A Real, Live, Lit from within, Woman!!!

Today I went into RMV to start the process of getting all new paperwork, or at least a photo ID that actually represented ME!!! Today after filling out the right paperwork and four lines, I reached the checkout window where a new ID Photo would be taken. For any number of reasons, not the least of which is the fact that I'm moving and the state I'm in requires a three month wait to get a drivers license, and then a year as a conditional driver, I'm waiting until I move. My new state issues real drivers licenses to adults and will allow all the tests to be taken the same day!

In any case, I have my paperwork checked at three different lines, each one saying thank you Miss, you can go to window so an so. I finally get to the fourth line, and the woman there is entering my information and she looks up, obviously confused, and says; "I'm sorry Miss, there is a typo on your birth certificate, and because of the new laws I'm going to have to list you as MALE unless, or until, you get this corrected. . ." She looks at all the paperwork again, and then, still looking confused says; "Unless you . . . Um . . . Changed? If you have a surgical letter showing that you've . . ." So I handed her the letter from my surgeon and she says; "Wow, I honestly thought this was a typo, you look amazing!"

We chatted while she finished my paperwork, she took my money, and my picture, and a few moments later I had my NEW ID. My picture, my vital statistics, everything and miracle of miracles I look good! Who knew? A DMV photo that looks good, though I forgot to put on lip gloss . . . Best of all, I'm ever more listed as the CORRECT gender!!! I'm beaming in the picture, almost, no, "really lit from within" the glow of happiness real and obvious!!!

Post-op update . . .

A friend asked me recently if I had any regrets about having had surgery. Without missing a beat, without blinking, I said simply "Yeah, I have one, that I didn't do this well over thrity years ago!"

Still working hard on bringing my weight down so that I can get the rest done, well I'm also now working on saving enough again to even have the final surgery. Life, health issues, friends health issues, and so on have had an extremely damaging financial impact on my life of late.

I have to spend a grand on a new AC compressor for my car, because it just isn't drivable all that comfortably without. So that's another chunk of money I don't have, that isn't going to my GRS fund. A fund that is slowly bleeding to death because I'm not strong enough to tell people they are HURTING me and do something about it.

I get what bipolar is like, how it can, and does destroy lives, what I don't get is ignoring it, or not taking it seriously. Please, really, some people spend huge amounts of money to get even close to the way I feel when I'm manic. Now THAT is just NUTS!!!

In any case, I have to move because the place I live in is at least as bad as living in a landfill. Worse I'm spending, becuase I have trouble doing anything about it, way too much money on food becuase the person I live with is a slob of biblical proportions. Oscar Madison looks like Felix Unger compared to the person I "live" with.

This person REFUSES to clean, to help around the house, to be responsible and it is one fracking crisis after another! So, I'm moving. 1811 miles away. I'll be able to buy grocerys and keep them in a kitchen that won't give you an infection if you scratch yourself on something . . .

More to follow . . .

Oh my Goddess!!! I'm free!!!

Okay, so anyone who's read this whole thing from the begining knows that aside from transition, I've been fighting a huge battle with Domestic Violence and the law. I don't want to "get away with anything" or otherwise try and "duck" any system anywhere. I do have a reasonable expectation of privacy, safety, and freedom from stalking. My in-laws ARE stalkers. I don't know why, I don't know what their frelling problem is, what their damage is, or anything else.

I DO KNOW they destroyed my marriage, murdered my husband, and wanted me to be next.

They have motive, means, and opportunity to hunt, torture, and kill me at a time of their choosing and have shown a blatant and flagrant disregard for the law. They are equally connectd to organized crime, AND the Wall Street financial community. They are EVIL and SICK, there is no nice way to say it.

Until today they had complete and total access to my life. Knew everything about me, including details about my birth, my parents, my social security number, and could, and have used it to track and harm me. Today all that ended!!!

After a nearly 10 month long project, today's mail brought me a brand new social security card, with a brand new number! I'm going to give it to NO-ONE unless they can demonstrate a valid, legal need for the information. PERIOD!!! I'm going to protect it with my life, and if, through some miracle I ever get married again, I'm NOT going to give it to my spouse, and he's then NOT going to be able to give it to anyone else. PERIOD!!!

Now they cannot track me, cannot take money from me, cannot hurt, torture or kill me easily. Now I'm a few short steps from that person they knew ceasing to exist completely!!! Now I have a bunch of other work to do, like all new ID and paperwork, but that will come in time . . .

If the Social Security Administration says it CANNOT be done, don't believe them, fight for your rights and safety!!! Get them all the paperwork, and they will give you a NEW Social Securtiy Number!!!

Post-op!!!

I'm not completely anatomically correct yet, but legally ever more I've made the crossing. I have to fill in a bunch of what's happened over the last several months, but I thought I'd drop in a quick note. For more information about the surgery, take a look at:

http://www.electrolysisfinder.com/~samantha/Kimmel-orchi.html

More to follow shortly . . .

Finally!

I'm in the land of brotherly love today for one simple, but profound purpose, to have two of the three anomalies removed. In a few hours from now I'll be legally female for the rest of my life, and any hope of children, flesh of my flesh, gone!

I'm here in Philadelphia to have the nasty little "T" factories surgically removed. If I actually were a guy, it would be castration, having the testicles removed. I'm not however and this isn't. Three hours from now, I'll be finished, I'll have had my first surgical experience in my life, and oh what a surgery it will be!

Happiness

I'm still youn enough to appreciate the time I have left before me, and old enough to understand the gift I've been given. I really know what's important now, what's most meaningful about life, what's most important. This world will eat me up and finish the job Earl starte if I try to go back to anything like what I was doing. PTSD, GAD, Depression are all warnings to change, grow, heal and finally live a real, healthy life that I can look back upon and not see constant, painful loss, death and destruction.

My heart, mind, soul and health are important, my happiness is vitl to my health. Not optional, not secondary, not something that would be nice if I can get it. Something that makes the hard work, the pain worht it. My happiness is vital, job one and everything to me. If I, when I, have healed enough that I begin to consider sharing my life WITH someone, my happiness needs to be as important to them as it is to me. Their happness also has to be as important to them as mine is to me.

Never again will I get sucked into believing that eventually all the hard work will be worth it. No longer will I see the goal, the "pay off" to be worth all the hard work and sacrifice. My life, my health depends on happiness, the journey IS my life and my happiness. Never again will I bee foolish enough to focus all my energy, all my strength on the prize. I need to enjoy a bit of each day, draw peace, health, light and happiness to my life. It has been said time and again that you take nothing with you when you go, that passing from this wolrd is the great equalizer. I know better and while true that nothing physical goes with you, ite not the material that is important.

Health, happiness, how one feels overall about life is that remains. I know this to be true, deep in my hesrt of hearts, in my soul I know this. There will be days along the road that leave much to be desired, darkness, pain, and loss but as my Mother told me time and again, the darkness is required for contrast. I've had plenty of darkness, pain and dischord. Never again will I allow someone to drag me into the darkness to live there hpoing for some sun, light and happiness at journey's end.

Anger? What do I do with it . . .

So tonight at about seven I got very angry at the whole state of affairs for those who are blessed or cursed depending on ones outlook with this partic . . .

Oh bullox. Yeah, the whole ts state of affairs has me upset, but honestly that’s not it. I’m just tired, sick and tired of a lifetime of pain, and rightfully angry. Now what in bloody hell am I supposed to with that? Okay, so I’ve calmed some, I still feel somewhat angry. The whole bloody world has been simply rotten to me, my father and husband both abused me, work was a hell I wouldn’t wish upon anyone and I’m angry.

So now the question is what do I do with it? Really, what in the name of all that’s holy do I do with this anger?

Where will she be . . . Tomorrow . . .

I just want to state for the record there is NO reason for this world, this life, to be this hard. I'm so damaged from nearly a decade with Earl that I can't even walk around the block by myself, have not been outside the house without someone with me in almost a year, and I'm working hard on healing.

The ongoing saga with the Social Security Administration? Not good, they are bound and determined to have me sue them into the stone age and I'm ready to oblige. They are discriminating against me and have trampled my civil rights in the some major ways. They have also exposed me to additional danger for no other reason than the are hideous, vile, creatures who lack even a fiber of decency or sensitivity in their heartless, soulless bodies. Mind you that's the nicest thing I can think to say about them. Oy!!!

So where will I be? Probably same old place, same old life, dreaming of just a little more. Now thankfully the dreaming has morphed into a little bit of serious thought. One of these days I'm going to be able to leave the house, and drive to places I've always wanted to see. Go hiking around Sedona (and mayhap heal some too) and soak up the history, energy, views, and peace of the wide open desert. One of these days I'm going to buy a used minivan, set it up to go camping, and see the country one campground at a time. One of these days I'll finally leave the east coast behind me for good and go home to Denver or perhaps find someplace new like Arizona. Time will tell.

Like I needed another test to tell me something I already knew . . .

So I'm a total girlie girl (Duh!) but this is yet another test that has different questions, but comes up with the same result.

You Are a Total Girlie Girl

You love looking good, and wooing men with your womanly ways. You're so feminine, men are in awe of you ... which is a very good thing.

How Girlie Are You?

Mental Illness and medications

Okay, so as if having a birth defect isn't bad enough, more than plenty to deal with, I'm dealing with the specter of having a brain that is actually a bit off. Now I've not been formally diagnosed as bipolar, but I'm on meds that treat it and they seem to be helping. Having a "mood disorder" whatever it may be named is something like "emtional epilepsy" periodically the brain just kinda jumps track and starts playing tricks on one. Trust me it is NOT anything close to fun.

Inherited, learned, or the result of too many years of abuse is anyone's guess, but the simple fact is I'm NOT enjoying this, or the realization that I may needs meds for the rest of my life. I can hear some regular readers of my site thinking, what the frell is she talking about? She's going to be on meds for the rest of her life anyway? Sure, this is true, correction of my wonderful birth defect involves a lifetime supply of meds, so what are a couple more? Well honestly I don't know, but somehow having to take meds everyday to prevent your own mind from betraying you is a touch hard to deal with.

Betrayal, something I have had way too much experience with in my life, and something I'd hoped to put behind me. Sure, simple enough it is to isolate oneself from people that can hurt you. Trivial really for those who like the life of a hermit, just don't go anywhere, do anything, or talk to anyone. Done. So what to do when periodically the whole world goes wonky and your left wanting to die to get away from the pain? You take meds thats what, because while all the external pressors in your life remain the same, and you're living exactly the same life you were, it becomes more or less alien to you. The only way back is to re-balance brain chemistry to something easier to live with, hence medication.