Tuesday, May 24, 2011

He wasn't perfect ... but he was perfect for me.

As to predictions ...

... I have an unerring record with those.  Which is why I can relate to the name Cassandra so well.  But for those of you watching, who probably don't even know who Cassandra is, go look it up, and don't blame me when I turn out to be right.  Unlike Harold "The world is going to end on May 21st 2011" Camping.  Yeah, oops!  He missed ... AGAIN!  Just like I predicted he would.

Love, jealousy, attachment and suffering.

So it's been an interesting day.  Comments and crazy people, memories and accusations that were more projection of their own problems.  A friend started a thread on FB about relationships, this comment sprang forth.

The first time Earl and I slept together? We SLEPT! No sex involved. We talked and laughed and compared note on things we like to do, things we'd like to do as well. When I got married, it wasn't the sex, cause trust me, on balance, it so wasn't about sex. If it had been about sex, I'd have broken off the engagement after we'd lived together for a frickin year planning the wedding.
I wanted to grow old together with someone who got my jokes, who'd been there through the good times AND THE bad. Someone I had a history with, someone who respected me, and cared about me as much as I did about him. Someone who when faced with standing with me against the world, or standing with the world beating on me would stand with me. Someone who defend me as much as I'd defend him.
Someone who knew what I was thinking by the look in my eye, and we'd both start laughing at our own inside jokes. Before we married, we had the kind of relationship I dreamed about, and sex had nothing to do with it. We used to finish each others sentences, complete thoughts, have whole conversations with just a look. Folks said we were like a little old married couple we were so adorable, and freaky together. HIS parents, who had been together almost 40 years didn't know each other, or get each other the way Earl and I did.
I fell stupid in love. Over looked the warning signs, and let him put that ring in my nose. So I'm as much to blame I guess as he was. Because I BELIEVED him, and choose to over look the parts that weren't perfect. Like the fact that he was a pathological liar, an obsessive Momma's boy, had a toxic co-dependant abusive relationship with his Mom. Like the fact that he and his Dad used to go to Giant's games in sub zero temperatures while getting sleeted and freezing rained on to watch them lose ... again. I KNEW he wasn't perfect, but I never claimed to be perfect either.
He was also awesome, and brilliant, and funny, and could touch my heart and soul in a way no one had ever even tried before. He took me to places I'd never have gone, and shared with me things I'd never have experienced because it was fun. Like Skeeball off the boardwalk in a New England coastal town. He helped me fall in love with the ocean. He loved little New England towns and window shopping as much as I did.
He hurt me so badly that anyone else would have wished him dead, not just divorced. I didn't even want a divorce, I just want him to look at me again the way he used to. I wanted, I needed his love again. I wanted to go play skee ball and walk on the beach. I wanted him to hold me. I needed him to hold me. But eventually the abuse got so bad I had to do something. Worse yet he totally took me for granted.
But you know what, I wouldn't have wished him dead. He is, and so he never got a chance to see what he lost, what he'd done. And I'd lost an epic love. Despite everything that happened, and as much as he hurt me, and as much as I grew to fear him, TO THIS DAY I STILL LOVE HIM.
I can't not. Cause this isn't a Disney fair tale, and when I give my heart to someone it isn't just a thing of convenience, it wasn't about sex, it wasn't about a nice house and a white picket fence with 2 kids a dog and a cat. It wasn't about money, or status, or friends, or car payments or a big bank account. It was about love, and that look in his eye he had only for me. It was the way he could just look at me across a crowded and room and I'd KNOW for certain, he loved ME.
And after everything that happened, I'd give just about anything to have him look at me like that again. To have him hold my hand as we walked across the street to go watch the ducks fucking in the lake on a cool autumn day. How for years after he'd just say ducks in that way he had and we'd always break out laughing. I'd live in a cardboard box with him in the middle of the woods eating roots and berries if we could just go walking through the outlets browsing for thing we were never going to buy and laughing about who would buy them. I'd sell my soul to have some "Almost Escargo" at the boat house grill with him and hear his voice. After everything I still love him. After everything I still didn't want for him to die. I can't not love him. And it had NOTHING to do with sex.

Which made me think of the lunatic ravings of an unrepentant Narcissist that claimed I was jealous of her relationship.  She's never even had a real relationship and I'm jealous?  Yeah, right, and the Pope is a cross dressing former nazi who endorses sex with children.  Oh wait, bad comparison since that is pretty much the current Pope.  Not only am I not jealous of the abuse she hands out to everyone and anyone that doesn't see things her way, I'm also not jealous of the life she thinks she has, where she's one more catastrophe away from having to beg or borrow money from anyone because she's incapable of dealing with bills, budgets or life in any meaningful sense.  But she and her lunatic fringe are watching me of course.  Yeah, really?  So "Lindsay I'm such a worshiper of the devil herself" watch this.

Not only am I NOT jealous of anything a Narcissist think she's has, but I'm so sick to death of people like her and my late husband that I plan on dying alone and happily single.  Jealous of her relationship?  There isn't enough money in the 'verse to get me to have the kind of "relationship" she has now.  I had one of those.  I'm still healing, growing, and ENJOYING being single.  I personally think Lindsay is a made up name and persona just so that certain hateful little people who haven't even lived a real life yet could launch more hateful comments because she had to have the last word.  So go right ahead Lindsay, watch, and understand clearly that I think the BEST thing that could happen is for my other friend to finally get to live single for awhile, and live her own life, and get to find out who she is, heal and grow.  Watch as my prediction that eventually our favorite little narcissist finds herself alone because she's a horrid little person who is so self involved that she's incapable or real love, because she loves herself more than anyone else.

I have a nice, quiet apartment all my own that I pay for, a car that runs well that has insurance on it so that I can drive it legally, and can and do pay my own bills instead of suckering other people into paying them for me.  I have friends I adore, who adore me, because we're all bright, shiny, happy people.  I don't have to beg for anything.  Even peace and quiet.  My phone doesn't get turned off all the time because I spent the money on a manicure and hair color I didn't need, and had no reason to have, when the children didn't have enough food.  I don't risk going to jail driving a car with no insurance because my beauty supplies are more important than driving legally.

Jealous of what?  Grow up children and get over yourselves.  As if that all wasn't enough, I'm a Buddhist, I don't form the kinds of attachments anymore that could lead to jealousy because that only leads to suffering.  And with God as my witness I've had plenty of that.  Jealous?  Yeah right.  I've at least known real love a time or too and always pay my car insurance.  So you and all your little friends can go to Ne'tu for all I care, since obviously you enjoy suffering so much.  I've been there plenty of times before and have always managed to survive and escape.  I'm going to keep it that way.

Friday, May 20, 2011

Halp I is being raptured!

By Cassandra Speaking.

So by this time tomorrow the Rapture will be underway.  At least if you believe the lunatic ramblings of an almost 90 year old repeat failure of a prophet.  Twice before he's predicted the date of the rapture with utterly NO success whatsoever.  For a while he was claiming the world was going to end in 1988.

We see how well that went over now didn't we?  Wasn't it so much fun?

Apparently it was so much fun he went back to his magic book and saw the error of his ways and predicted it was actually going to end in March of 1994.  While the early 90's so the implosion of the tech bubble, and resulting economic slide on wall street, 1994 was otherwise unremarkable.  During March he said there was some leeway in the numbers and waited all month for the end to come.

It didn't.  Again!

So here we are now on the eve of the most famous undate in history.  Tomorrow he claims is really, truly, without question, the end of history.  Thus, an undate, since no one worthy of remembering will be around long to remember it.   "Good by my friends, I'll see you all in the great beyond."  I like so many other "people" haven't bothered to pay any of my bills, or put my affairs in order, because the entire world ends tomorrow.  Not just tomorrow, but right after work at 18:00 hours local time.

I hope you'll all join me here Sunday morning as the reports start coming in of people all over the globe drinking the sacramental koolade because they missed the bus.

I predict that tomorrow will go down in history as a famous date.  The date that Harold Camping will forever be known as a three time loser.  You see he's the very self important little man who has predicted the last two spectacularly failed end of the world dates.  Tomorrow at around 19:00 local time, when nothing at all has happened, he'll end up being ranked right up there with "Chicken Little" and the "Boy Who Cried Wolf."

I feel kinda bad for Harold and his followers, because even I know that God has made it clear that the end will come without warning, fanfare, public appearance spots, or any media coverage whatsoever.

I as a Buddhist and former ascended master, who has studied many of earths religions, and was last "risen up" or "raised up" sometime before Christ came, know that there's more than one way to scramble an egg.   Or, perhaps a better way of putting it?  It's fairly simple these days to get from New York to San Fransisco.  There are as many, or more ways to get from here to there than there are days in a month.  So too with reaching the next plane of existence.  After all I've been there, and back.

I'm sorry but it's the height of hubris for one insignificant little man, who has somehow more money and motivated self importance than brain cells, to decide he knows when the end is going to come.  Especially given the numbers involved.  Right now there are around 6 BILLION (with a B) human beings on Earth.  I know for a fact that some one sixth of all those humans follow one of the many flavors of Buddhism, I mean there at least a billion Buddhists on Mainland China for example.  That doesn't count the rest of South East Asia, Japan, and significant parts of India.  Then we have those of the Hindu faith, which is similar in many ways and flavors to Buddhism, and if nothing else, certainly NOT Christianity.  Then there are our Muslim brothers and sisters, who while the don't believe as we do, certainly don't believe what Harold does.  So for good measure lets throw in the Catholics who KNOW, because God has told them so, that no one will know when the end is coming.  Oh, and while we are adding people in who don't believe, lets add the Jews, Protestants, Baptists, Wiccan's, and who else for good measure?  How about the Krishnas?  Who else?

Well see that's the thing, the vast majority of people don't believe what Harold does.  They believe their God of gods doesn't work that way.  Many of them believe a harbinger of the end times, but not a set date, will include quite a show, a new world order, the coming of the Anti-Christ, and much more.  While many have claimed that Sarah Palin is the Anti-Christ, I don't think she's smart enough for that.  Sorry Sarah, but your just not smart enough for that.  That's my opinion and I'm sticking to it.  It's also my opinion that Harold Camping is an idiot.  I mean he's even dumber than Sarah Palin, and you really have to work hard to be that vapid.

But I digress.  Yes, I'm a Buddhist, but I'm not a perfect Buddhist, and admit so much of this tome is NOT right speech.  Then again, it's not supposed to be, since this is only my tiny little irrelevant opinion, and I freely admit having fallen from grace, ON PURPOSE, after having already once achieved ascension.

So Sunday afternoon as you're relaxing enjoying a day off, please feel free to join this me in saying "Harold Camping, You ARE The weakest link, Goodbye."

This is Casandra Speaking for Forward Views, all of tomorrows news, today.

Saturday, May 07, 2011

Well that went exceptionally well. NOT!

So after a suitable disclaimer, and careful wording so as to not get anyone's panties in a bunch, my last comment was rewarded with five pages of shall we say some interesting comments.  Comments I'm NOT go publish to protect the author from her own madness and my own attempts to keep from making things worse as she's doing more than a good enough job of that herself periodically ranting on her own blog.  If anyone is refusing to leave things in the past and move on, it would have to be her, because I refuse to be baited.

That said, for those poor souls who have somehow connected all the dots together, please keep in mind that ever story has two sides, and it takes two to tango.  There are also times and places when it's impossible to find the truth because it's a subjective thing.  Some people consider verbal abuse just part of living and don't really consider it "real" abuse.  These are often the same people who accuse rape victims of "asking for it" by how they look, act, or simply for being alive.  Reality check here, verbal abuse IS, IN FACT, ABUSE.  Period, end of subject.  It's violence, and when within a relationship, it's domestic violence.  Period.

Often these people are in a world of their own and their own self important ends, justify the means.

My brother is a perfect example.

He uses people.  It's been his whole life.  He's a violent, self important little shell of a person who twists everything to convince himself he's right.  I fell into the trap of that kind of abuse for year, and all allowed him to take from me without ever even trying to contribute anything while making everything about him.  At a point in his life when he had once again fallen out of a relationship because of his own mental health issues and abusive tendencies I gave him a place to live, feed him, in fact wound up fully supporting him because he wasn't even trying.  At all.  He had this self important view of the universe where everything was about him, how people owed him, how it was my responsibility at the time to provide for all his needs even at the expense of my own.  He had to have everything I did, everything was about keeping score for him.  Mind you I was in fact supporting him completely, and his wants and needs were more important than my own, even if it meant rent on the apartment, car insurance, or whatever.  He'd get a notion, I'd have to drop what I was doing, give him what he wanted and needed whether I could afford it or not, just so that he'd stop abusing me verbally.  It was no way to live, and a mistake I went on to make again with my late husband.  Suggest that either of them pull their own weight, or even contribute to make life a bit easier?  That only brought more abuse.  My brother was (and is to this day) chronically unwilling and incapable of supporting himself or even getting a simple job so as not to be a complete drain on my life.

Me, over the years I was more than willing to work in grocery stores or fast food joints if I had to, because they will hire anyone.  He had a mountain of excuses why he couldn't.  Not one of them was a real, viable concern, but he'd decided that he couldn't get a job there.  He came up with plenty of things he demanded I get him that he really didn't need, but he had to have them.  Rent and the utilities were supposed to magically pay themselves and it didn't matter if giving him what he wanted meant I wouldn't have enough for the bills, that was after all MY problem, not his.  Like cigarettes for example.  He smoked, I didn't, but spending the last 20 dollars before payday on a carton of cigarettes was more important than putting gas in my car to get to work, or keep groceries in the house or whatever it was.

And the keeping score thing drove me crazy.  I'd put new tires on my car and he'd have to have new tires on his truck.  Didn't matter that one tire for his truck was the price of all four tires on my car.  He had to have what he wanted.  Whatever I got for myself he had to have better and more.  Even if it meant I had to suffer, after all, I OWED him.  Get a job to contribute to the household?  Hell no.  His ex-wife had the same problem with him after I finally had more than enough and moved.   The whole reason I wound up supporting him is because he'd broken up with his girlfriend at the time because she got tired of supporting him and his sense of entitlement and abuse.

Moving away and sharing a place with a friend where my brother wasn't welcome was the only way I could escape.  That's when he found someone else to leach from and married that poor woman.  She and I became friends, and no big shock when she started trying to get him to get a job and help support the household, all the excuses came back.

And Earl, well I've talked about him before.  His answer to everything was running back to his parents and making ME look like I was crazy and not working hard enough.  I was at the time handling all his medical care, working a full time six figure job, being a housewife, and staying up to date on the latest research that could help make his life easier.  Him get a job?  Heavens no, better to run back to Mommy and make ME look like I was the lazy good for nothing leach.

I don't understand people that think the world, or someone else, owes them a living.  I never have, and never will.  That goes equally for people who twist reality to fit their views and blame someone else for things that happen to them.   I assure you that if my brother were to read this, he'd send me pages of excuses why I'm work, and claim that I was wrong, or twisting things.  So I'm not even going to try and but a disclaimer in here, should someone take offense to what I've written, keep in mind I'm keeping things deliberately vague, and other than my brother, not mentioning anyone specifically.

I'm suddenly reminded of my divorce.  Earl accused me of costing him friends, because people we'd know, or that he'd known, wanted nothing to do with him when they found out his true colors so to speak.  He'd even insisted that some of our mutual friends choose him or me.  I on the other hand refused to stoop to that level of nonsense.  So the friends he forced to choose said, well She's (me) not forcing us to choose, but you are, so we'll choose her, goodbye if you're going to be that way.  Yeah that went exceptionally well.  NOT!