Wednesday, November 30, 2005

Making progress! Or at least getting more exercise!

Okay, compared to some people I'm a lightweight, I get that, compared to others however I'm a health freak. Whatever! The news however is every day for the last week I've managed at least 30 sit ups each day, and running up and down three flights of stairs. Yesterday I squeezed in a minute of probably too fast jumping jacks which came out to 140 someodd jumps. That's something like two per second, and now I'm a bit sore in a bunch of new places.

Today, I managed two loads of laundry, and 40 sit ups along with three flights of stairs. I'll stick with 40 sit ups for the next week and go from there. Oddly enough all this extra work feels good! So, I'm guessing I'm doing something right!

Sunday, November 27, 2005

Someone recently asked me what my disability was . . .

. . . and I found my answer, while simple, interesting in it's ability to capture in so little space, something so complex? Here's what I wrote;

"Well, the fancy terms are Battered Wife Syndrome, Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, Generalized Anxiety Disorder, and Chronic Depression.  In simpler terms, I'm trying to recover from years of abuse, from being raped, and violated more than once, by people who claimed to love and respect me.  From trying time and again to live the life expected of me, regardless of what  is possible.  I'm attempting to recover from years of being a good little girl, working harder and harder to make EVERYONE
around me happy thinking if I just work hard enough, fast enough and better than anyone else that eventually people would love me. I'm attempting to recover from demands and expectations well outside what could ever be considered reasonable. I have serious problems having people demand more from me than can reasonably be expected from five people and be expected to do it all instantly, because invariably they are unwilling to accept responsibility for their own actions, and are not accountable. I have problems being treated like a little girl, told time and again that people around me were going to do something by a certain time and then NEVER doing it. I'm suffering from having asked for almost nothing and gotten so much less that it made me question what was wrong with me so often I actually believed I must be some kind of freak, some kind of evil creature for having a heart and mind. I'm suffering from being a woman with simple needs in a world of madness, greed and malice for people who are honest, feeling and emotional. I'm suffering from life.

I'm sorry that was so dark, but unfortunately this is what I've been "living" with and right now quite honestly it has been, for more than a year, a battle to stay alive. Domestic Violence against women and children is a plague on this planet, and I happened to be such a bad girl that people felt they could use and discard me. Rape is bad enough, horrible enough that I feel it should be a capitol offense, being beaten and raped by someone who worked hard to gain my trust, respect and love is even worse. I'm not perfect, and to answer my father's question (What did you do to deserve this?) anytime something went wrong; "I freely admit my guilt, I had a major hand in my own fate, I brought this on myself by loving, trusting, and respecting people who claimed to love me." Yes, I'm guilty, it's all my fault, just shoot me and put me out of everyone's misery . . .

Ellie just pointed out that she gets the sarcasm in this last paragraph, and I should point out that yes, there is a great deal of that there. It hasn't really made any of this easier, hasn't made dealing with the agony of life simpler, hasn't given me the resources I need to fight back. While not quite at the same level, my lawyer(s) even have treated me in a similar fashion, discounting and disregarding my feelings, my needs because I don't have huge amounts of money to throw their way.
You see my EX took everything from me when he left me . . .

So that's the nickel tour. Sorry ladies to be so dark and heavy, but this is the shortest answer I could give . . ."

Friday, November 25, 2005

Thanksgiving . . .

Well it was unusual and different, but otherwise better than it seemed it was going to be.  Ellie and I started the day slowly, since it was just going to be the two of us.  I was in the kitchen making some cornbread and knocked a perfectly good Riesling white wine off the counter which shattered and the white I was looking forward to introducing Ellie to wound up being introduced to the floor.  Me, well I lost it, broke down crying and the whole bit because "Aunt Flo's" in town and I tend to over react to things.  We went out trying to find an open liquor store without luck, and landed in McDonanlds to wish one of our friends (who works there) a happy thanksgiving.

We made a command decision to put our actual thanksgiving dinner off until tomorrow and had dinner there with Donna and Rose. Donna's the manager and made us special desserts (Yes, and McDonalds . . .) of applied pie ala mod, and added hot fudge to Ellie's, and pickles to mine. Believe it or not I really like pickles and ice cream, the hot apple pie simply made it so much better! Honestly, we had a good time and it really saved the day for me!

Came back home finished making the cornbread and made an extra for Ellie to take with her to work today and that, as they say, was the size of things here. While I was working on the cornbread I made the usual round of calls to friends and family in other states and spent some time on the phone with them. Nothing like a "normal" thanksgiving by any stretch of the imagination, but one I enjoyed regardless.

I had some different things to be thankful for this year, high on the list was being alive! I've been fighting depression on and off for years, back in 2000 because of the way my spouse was treating me the depression started getting worse, and worse. By May of this year I was in so much constant pain that when Flo would come to visit I get so much worse, and close to not being around for this Thanksgiving. Ellie and my Sisters helped me through, gave me a hand seeing the light so to speak and got me to a Doctor. Anti-depressants did not cure me of all that ails me, my life still sucks, but I have a bit healthier perspective on it all now!

So, Thankful that I'm still here, have family and friends who love me, and I'm finally, slowly working on rebuilding a life. For the first time in my life, I'm really, honestly free of some of the things I've been fighting my whole life, and free to just be, ME! May not sound like much, but having some goals, making a bit of progress, and being free to just be ME for a change is something truly worth being thankful for!

Monday, November 21, 2005

Weight loss . . .

Ohmigod! I'm getting seriously bummed, I'm trying so hard to lose weight and it's not as easy as it was last year! I so have to start getting more exercise, I mean really seriously have to do something. Walking is good, but I have to eat better and MORE? SO not going there . . . I mean, so like I'm supposed to take in MORE calories because I'm technically obese? What's a girl to do?

Sure, not eating enough and the amount of stress in my life means plenty of cortisol and hording of calories. I cannot drink any more water per day than I do now, I get close to a gallon, so I guess it means starting to seriously workout. Ack!

Transgender day of remembrance . . .

We live in a strange, sad, sick little world where some people have to die just for being themselves and many have, and continue to do so. Just think about it for a moment, you are minding your own business, walking down the street and someone jumps you and beats you to death for, the color of your skin, the religion you belive in, who you love, or taking steps to have a happier life of your own.

Tonight, all over the country (even the world) people gathered for a quiet prayer vigil for people who, for no other reason than they wanted to live true honest lives, were deprived of the option to live them. Each year, too many people are killed, period! Tonight's vigil was to remember men and women who had to die, men and women on a journey similar to mine.

Too many have died for NO REASON, help put a stop to hate crimes and make the cost so high it might make someone think, or at least, if not, get them off the streets quickly and for good if they do something horrible.

I went tonight because these people are more than worthy of my time, effort and energy to drive there and meet up with other like minded people to remember them. I went there to be with my "community" and be another small voice crying out against violence, discrimination and hate. I dream of a world without hate, one in which all people can grow to feel happy, safe and free.

Lacking that in the meantime I pray, including for those who no longer can . . .

more to follow . . .

Thursday, November 17, 2005

Just saw Dr. C . . .

The good news is my BP is fine, She approves of the steps I've taken for control of triglycerides and calcium level, and agreed that 2mgs twice a day of Estrogen wasn't enough and increased it to 2mgs three times a day. She's going to see me on December 1 to remove the skin tag on my left breast, and otherwise I'm in good shape.

The bad news, I gained 14 pounds since Spetember ARRRRGGGHHHH!!!! Must, work, HARDER!!!!

Tuesday, November 15, 2005


The Governments of the world are participating in, and encouraging, a serious delusion about the coming pandemic. Notice I said COMING! The outgoing US director of Health and Human Services said on his way out that the death toll in American lives is going to be between 30 and 70 MILLION people. My estimate based on a good old fashion hunch, is right down the middle at 50 million. My hunches so far have an amazing, even frightening accuracy and have saved my life more times than I can count. Remember flight 232 in Iowa in 1989? I wasn't on it because of one of my hunches.

When a pandemic hits (take note, I said when, not if) the death toll in terms of human lives world wide is going to be stagering. In the space of less than a year something like 25% of the population is going to die. Which if you take into account the current population of around 6.6 Billion people, translates into 1.65 billion people. More simply put, that's one in every four people. Doesn't matter where, doesn't matter when, and for reasons that should be perfectly obvious cities are going to be hit the hardest. So look around you at work, while you are shopping in the store, or just walking down a crowded street. Count four people one of them will die. People we know and love are going to die.

It is going to be a kind of ugly you've never heard of or imagined and are not prepared to deal with. It takes at least 6 to 8 months from outbreak to create any kind of preventative vaccine, and then two years or more to make enough to do anyone any good. Regrettably this is a medical fact, not something the government is lying about or covering up. The next pandemic is going to hit so hard, and so ast, that what is left of the national guard will be mobilized to do one thing. Try and put down civil unrest, enforce martial law, and collect those who have lost thier battle against this super flu.

Mentally and emotionally we need to be prepared, people, human beings, are NOT going to be taken to a funeral home, prepared, and burried in the family plot. This is going to be exactly like the movie outbreak, troops are going to collect remains, lay them all together and burn them. Not because they are insensitive, not because the government is cruel, not because anyone wants this done this way but simply because they MUST. The number of dead is going to be worse than anything you've ever heard of. The simple, harsh reality is this, that many bodies cannot be nicely, politely prepared and laid to rest.

Those of us who don't die from it, are not going to enjoy living through it, and will not enjoy what comes with it. Power, phones, radio, tv, cable, buses, trains, planes, hospitals, stores, supply lines, everything is going to be effected, and for a time everything is going to stop. Power will be out for months, along with everything else. Food and clean water will be hard to find, and so much more. I'm not going to talk about how bad it will be because it is too depressing to think about, let alone write about.

What can we do? Prepare, stay healthy, and pray! You can also start drinking small amounts of Hydrogen Peroxide. I kid you not, start now, little bits at a time working up to three teaspoonfulls a day mixed in something you like to drink. Take it either an hour before, or three hours after meals because otherwise you'll have serious gas issues. Simply put, it is one of a number of commonly available anti-viral agents that works really well and can save your life. I'm 41 years old right now, and (touching wood as she says this) have never had the flu, any flu that I know of because I do this every year at the begining of flu season, which is . . .
. . .Right about now!

Why this message of doom and gloom? Because it is not a matter of if, but a matter of when. We are due, sometime in the next ten to fifteen years, a major pandemic WILL hit. It happens just about every 100 years, the last one was 1918, you do the math.

Think I'm kidding? Read this and then Google it!

Monday, November 14, 2005

She's getting serious!

Okay, so it's just one day, and I have Ellie to thank for it but it was a good start and I'm still smarting from it. Sunday, yesterday, Ellie and I went over to Turkey Swamp Park and walked for about an hour. We covered about 2 and a 1/2 miles, and stopped at my favorite fitness station which is park of Turkey Swamp Parks fitness trail

So, now, just about every part of me from my breasts down hurts. I cannot for the life of me explain why, but my favorite station has to be one of the hardest. Station SIX is a crunch/sittup kind of thing, where you sit on a bench, hook your feet under a board, and lay down to touch a board behind you and situp again. Station SIX claims five reps is good for beginners, and fifteen reps is ideal for advanced users.

Ellie inspired me to do 30, five of them pilates style with my arms out straight, the remainder with them rested on my stomach. OY! So today, as anyone might expect, I hurt all over! What's worse is it feels good, like I actually accomplished something. Go figure! Perhaps more frightening still is my plan to do it again tomorrow. I don't even have to talk to anyone, or go near anyone making it all so much better. (People still frighten me, okay, terrify me) I'm alone, minding my own business, and not near anyone, plus I'm getting myself in better physical shape.

Now if I can just get over my fears of crowds, crowded places, people, and like just about everything else I might be able to be human again one day. Fulltime? Ha, SOC guidelines says something about living and working (or volunteering) in one's "new" role. Yeah, riiiiigggghhhtttt, that is SO going to happen. I cannot even goto a drive through by myself at this point. Waiting is for fullness I guess . . .

Mad props to Collen for the new look. I'm not going to be complete slime and totally copy it, but it's an awesome start and I hope she's not going to be upset with me while I work on making it my own!

Switching genders without warning or control?!?? Oy!!!

So I just don’t get it. My brain is wired, running, has for as long as I can remember been working consistently and regularly. Short of learning new things, dealing with what life has to throw at me, and betraying me periodically due to a mood disorder it is pretty constant. Nice, reliable, easy to understand and use, garden variety female brain.

I enjoy wielding pen and page to weave, into tangible form, everything from feelings to experiences and a spectrum of life between. I know I have a limitation when it comes to communicating with men, it has been, easily a defining aspect of Gender Dysphoria for me to live with. I am however working on it, and have recently made significant advances in being able to talk to men.

Women, ah yes, my sisters near and far, a fairer, smarter sex. Now women I’ve never had any problem talking with. We speak a common dialect; a common language and words, phrases, tone, inflection and context have a common understanding and meaning. We have been accused of using too many words to describe identicle concepts, and of intentionally obfuscating things that should otherwise be perfectly obvious. Ironically these accusations are almost always made by Men seeking to control those they do not understand. So rather than ask, and try to learn, they claim we are speaking a different language.

It certainly seems that way much of the time, because men use words we do, but suddenly they don’t mean what they did. They use identicle words, the same way, to cover so many different topics that I am never quite sure what they are talking about. When I ask questions, and attempt to understand, I’m either dismissed or they make a noise designed to end our conversation. Start talking about feelings, and suddenly it becomes a matter of open hostility and a refusal to talk about things because “You’d never understand!”

So you may be wondering why I’m restating something so obvious? This has been a standard of communications between men and women since our earliest days. Much has been said about differences between our brains and theirs, highlighting structural and chemical differences between male and female brains. Obviously Gender Dysphoria leaves us more torn between two worlds than others might be, while we LOOK like one side of the species, our brains are wired in an opposite fashion. Gender Dysphoria is a medical condition which has a profound impact on some lives, and in my own case is a life and death matter.

For nearly forty years I have been trying to find some kind of balance, some means to deal with this incongruity to no avail. For me, there is transition and GRS, a means of reshaping my body to fit my mind it houses, and ease much discord. Once this journey of mine is complete, I will finally look, and communicate like one half of our species. It will be obvious to everyone visually and aurally, and my thoughts are coming from a person who will be, in sync.

Great, that will make my life dramatically easier, and no different all at once. I’ll still need someone to translate for me periodically, and several people I’m close to can do this fairly easily. These people scare me! My Sister and Sister-in-law both to some degree have a unique and frightening ability to easily shift from one side of the “gender spectrum” to the other. They can understand both, and quite often translate between them. Wow, awesome, more power to them! I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t envious, because quite honestly I am. How different my life would have been, could have been, with this interesting gift.

It comes however with a price tag that to me is even higher than that of Gender Dysphoria! There are times with both of these women when I will suddenly completely lose any ability to speak with them. They slip across this “gender divide” and get stuck in Men’s country for a while and no longer have an ability to understand me or any interest in trying. For all practical purposes they “become” for a time, without warning or any apparent trigger, Men. This change is frightening, for me terrifying because quite suddenly this woman I know no longer is. I lose any ability to speak to them, understand them or communicate in any measurable fashion. Here I thought Gender Dysphoria was hard to deal with!!!

Mini-manicure set . . .

So the otherday while she was doing some shopping and i was napping in the car, Ellie picked up the most awesome mini-maicure set for me.

Thier website says;

"Put your best hand forward wherever you are!"
My Marvelous Minis Kit contains:
1. Side clipper for unbelievably easy, symmetrical nail trimming without all the pressure.
2. Mini sapphire metal file for shaping and cleaning.
3. Mini cuticle pusher for nudging cuticles back where they belong.
4. Mini cuticle remover for removing excess, ragged skin.

And having one to play with all I have to say is AWESOME! Stuck in bumper to bumper traffic on the turnpike, give yourself a quick manicure! Fit's into my purse so nicely and keeps everything in one place! Thanks Ellie!

Sunday, November 13, 2005

:: Colleen's Meme :: Carried on from Brandi's blog

Colleen's meme, carried on from Brandi's blog

Three names I go by:
1. Samantha
2. Tess
3. Georgie

Three screen names I have had:
1. Samanthasxx (Thanks Melanie Ann Phillips!)
3. Samanthaq123

Three physical things I like about myself:
1. My hips
2. My butt
3. My breasts

Three physical things I don't like about myself:
1. My nose
2. My stomach
3. The anomolies (Thanks Ruby Taylor!)

Three parts of my heritage:
1. Irish
2. English
3. Indian

Three things that scare me:
1. Doing this life over again
2. Loneliness
3. Reverting back to my previous incarnation (Thanks Mandy!)

Three of my everyday essentials:
1. Jesse (My bear!)
2. Purse
3. Something/someone to inspire me

Three of my favorite musical artists:
1. J.D. Danner
2. Gloria Estefan
3. Judy Collins

Three of my favorite songs:
1. "Shelter from the shame" - J.D. Danner
2. "Almost Home" - J.D. Danner
3. "Only have 100 years to live" - Five for fighting

Three things I want in a relationship:
1. Hugs
2. Love
3. Respect

Three LIES:
1. I am conservative
2. I'm over Earl/Deb
3. I am disloyal

1. I love being a girl
2. I love Luna
3. I love Jesse (I finally get to be Jesse's Girl!!!)

Three physical things about the opposite sex that appeal to me:
1. Strength tempered with Tenderness,
2. Drive tempered with Compassion,
3. Intelligence tempered with Wisdom and Understanding.

Three of my favorite hobbies:
1. Writing
2. Artwork
3. Sitting in a coffee shop reading!

Three things I want to do really badly now:
1. Read
2. Sleep
3. Drive out to my Sisters in CO

Three careers I've considered:
1. Massage Therapist
2. Librarian (Ooops, worked in librarys when I was a kid . . .)
3. Sex worker in Nevada (seriously)

Three places I want to go on vacation:
1. Ireland
2. Sedona
3. Any place Rachel Ray's done 40 dollars a day!

Three kid's names I like:
1. Lisa
2. Emily
3. Sara

Three things I want to do before I die:
1. Surgery!!!
2. Have sex the right way, maybe even work one week in Nevada
3. Find more things to do, and time to do them in.

Three ways that I am stereotypically a boy:
1. Your kidding right?
2. Like really, kidding???
3. I'm mean I haven't a clue, never could be one when I was forced to . . .

Three ways that I am stereotypically a girl:
1. I'm caring, considerate, tender, nurturing and an awesome listener.
2. I love shopping, well duh!
3. I have close female friends and can always enjoy more!

Three celebrity crushes:
1. Richard Dean Anderson
2. Kenau Revees
3. Amanda Tapping

Three people you want to see carry on this meme:
1. Ellie (She has to get a blog first)
2. My Sister Nobody, yeah like that could happen!
3. Someone new I haven't met yet!

Saturday, November 12, 2005

Not a bad day all things considered . . .

So I'm not really certain what I'm here to say, other than I had a decent day if you don't take into account the failed trip to Blockbuster. Thought I could handle it, took an extra anti-anxiety med to help give me some addition protection and marched into the place like I used to do.

Well, in short order my whole system was shutting down and I was in danger of crashing badly. Panic and anxiety welled up out of control, and I was in trouble once again. I left, quickly, and took a half hour nap in the car while Ellie shopped in a couple of stores.

We went back home, had some dinner, I napped some more and then we watched "Bewitched" with Nicole Kidman. It was, simply awesome! I'm not usually a big fan of remakes, but this was really, really well done! I really enjoyed this a great deal, easily one of my favorite films!

Friday, November 11, 2005


I may not make sense in what I have to say here, but I feel like saying it anyway? More's the pity I feel like sharing it with everyone! I won't lie to myself or anyone here, MY LIFE SUCKS! Yup, full on sucks so bad the Christian version of HELL sounds like a vacation spot right about now. Why? Because I wouldn't have anything to worry about there. It would suck outright and not be sneaky about it, I could put it out of my mind as what IS and get on with enjoying the suffering. No demands, unrealistic expectations, no drive to BE someone I'm not, comparatively no pressure, and well no sneaky, reaches up to strangle the life out of me, pain! Just real, honest to goodness suffering for the sake of pain. I can groove with that, really. It would sure beat the heck out of this hell I'm in, not being able to go anywhere, do anything, or spend time with friends I don't have because I live in terror of an attack.

What kind? Pain, sorrow, despair, and mind numbing terror that it will get worse. For the record, Gender Dysphoria is cake compared to PTSD, GAD, and Depression, cake, I mean give me a second helping this is so good kind of cake. Cake so good I don't care if it goes straight to my waist and I become this wide, round, chick who needs to have the doors widened kind of round. Give me more I say!

So what the frell is this woman blathering about? Well, it goes like this, in spite of how badly my life sucks right now I'm deliriously happy! In public service we used to have an acronym for a phrase we could not, because of FCC rules, utter on the air. Well, THEY still use it I'm certain, and it is WTFO? WTFO in case someone reads this who cannot parse it out themselves stands for "What The Fuck OVER?"

Okay, so here's this woman who's been back and forth to hell so often, Satan has given to her, her very own Gulfstream 5 aircraft. You know, to make commuting easier, to make the lure, the temptation of just moving into a garden spot of suffering and being done with it that much easier. Why, because the price of JP5 to power the damn jet is so high, I have to take out a whole new mortgage on my soul with a higher interest rate every time I want to make the trip. I mean that's some gig "he's" got going on down there, and something I think the union rep needs to take to management. Sure, hell is terrible, suffering a plenty, just utterly hideous, but it pales in comparison to life topside so much that like I said, hell is a garden spot.

In spite of all that I'm so happy today I just feel like sharing it, because I'm always saying when someone manages to see some of what I'm going through and shrugs, that I want some of what they are taking. So here it is folks, happiness overflowing from this poor mixed up soul who is babbling about the joys and wonders of GD. Why am I SO HAPPY? Well it started yesterday really, no probably Sunday with the two glasses of wine and a request of help from my brother-in-law. Yesterday it just got better, and today, well the NRC has called out an alert and they are not sending the men in white with a rubber truck and butterfly nets because burying me in one hundred tons of lead and titanium on the moon sounds safer to them. Hey, didn't they get the memo? Didn't they watch "Space 1999" all those years ago? Sure, bury radioactive materials on the moon, rightieO, and off it goes into space from the explosion. Anyway, happiness, Gender Dysphoria, the same place and time? WTFOver? Right, been there done that.

So, Sunday Tony admits to me that he screwed up his anniversary big time last year and he needs my help. Unsaid, but certainly understood was his reasoning; 1) I talk to my sister several times a week, 2) I'm a woman, so I know these things, and can help him give my sister an anniversary SHE'LL appreciate because he loves her even if he doesn't understand her. Wow, honesty, like that, FROM . . . A . . . MAN??? Okay, one last load of JP5 and I'm taking the plane back to hell and staying there! I mean really, a guy asking for help and admitting that a woman understands these things better? Especially the SAME woman he walked up to and said ". . . cut your hair, and your nails YOU ARE NOT a girl, get over it!!!" Wow, acceptance, from HIM??? Not just acceptance, but finding, and admitting that I had some value as a woman, oh my G-d the validation was enough to put me in shock!!!

From there it only got worse, I sent him an e-mail and outlined some ideas to make the anniversary really special, meaningful and, AND inexpensive too! He didn't even question me, he was amazed, shocked even that something so simple could mean so much! Men, always thinking things need to be harder than they should be. Used to be I'd snort in disgust with this superiour attitude that said "Hah, men aren't worth bothering with because they are like retarded, obnoxious children!" I've since gotten over that attitude with the help of one of my other sisters, and you know, I'm a much better woman for it!

Which brings me, in not so simple a fashion to yesterday. I spent hours chatting with a total stranger on the Internet who was kind, attentive, patient, good to talk to, and MALE!!! Shit, I should have gone back to hell sooner, now it's too late because it just froze over! Thirty six years I've spent hating them, bashing them, talking trash about them every chance I could and now I spent four hours with one and enjoyed it? I say again; WTFO?!?!?!? I've never been able to talk to one for more than sixty seconds because, well, I never really knew how. I just could not talk to men and I chalked it up to the whole gender divide thing. They were male, I wasn't, case closed, they could no more understand me, than I could them, why bother. Why indeed??? Mind you he did the whole, I found your profile on the net, have some intelligent questions about this hypnosis thing to cover the fact that he was flirting, WITH ME!!! He asked for a picture, and sent me his, we talked for FOUR HOURS.

I felt so free, so liberated, so happy that Ellie said last night I was beaming. Mind you this was after she spent some time singing "Samantha's got a boyfriend!!!" in glee poking some well intentioned fun at me. What did we talk about? Oh my, a bit of everything from FOOD, to TV, to Hobbies, to CARS and of course Hypnotherapy. It was great, a casual, friendly, slightly frisky and fun honest to goodness conversation! He was amazed I knew anything about cars at all, let alone appreciated nice ones, and at the same time apologized when I said I hated NOISY, SMOKY BEASTS that waste fuel, pollute the air and environment, and hurt my hears, let alone the general level of annoyance at such a testosterone driven display of power for the sake of power. He managed to do so without being negative or condescending about women even as he said it was cool I liked cars even though I'm "a girl!" Wow, rock my world baby. I like him. Yup, I like him enough that I don't immediately think EWWWW, "he's one of those!!!" like he has a horrible disease or something. Not once did I apologize for being female, for thinking, feeling and being who I am. A woman with her own heart, mind, likes, dislikes, feelings and opinions, one who is always polite, but not shy about sharing them! Never came up, he liked my picture, seemed to like me and just accepted the fact that I was a woman. Damn!!! Talk about walking on air for a change.

So last night it hit me. Just like a truck on a foggy, pitch dark night! Wham, I was, I am, can it be? HAPPY?!?!?!?!? No way, I mean really, we know how much my life sucks, what could I possibly be happy about? Being me is what!!! I'm far enough into transition that I've long since given up trying to hide it, trying to deny it, or trying to rationalize it all away as some sort of escape from how much I've been used, hurt and just generally a complete failure as a man. Of COURSE I'm a complete failure as a man, I'm not a man, never have been, never really could be simply because . . . Wait for it . . . I AM A WOMAN!!! Hey I've given as good as I got, better sometimes, and stuck out the lie longer than I should have. I've done things no men can do, and plan to keep on doing them because no MAN can. Doesn't make me better, worse, or anything else, I'm just a woman making my way through life.

Today I got up, made a simple breakfast, and a lunch that was as yummy as it was unusual. Bacon, Garlic, and Cheese omen with green beens sauted in garlic on the side and a tall cold glass of lemonaid! Better still, I cooked it all in one pan, and reserved some of the garlic and evoo on the side to cook the omelet in. Yes, the same garlic and evoo I cooked the beens in! Damn, talk about good!!! I've spent the day reading blogs, e-mail and writing blogs and e-mail. I relaxed a bit today for a change. Sure, my sucky life will be there when I get back to it, being a woman isn't going to suddenly, magically cure all that ails me.

Being ME is, however, eventually going to cure all that ails me, and the only thing better than admitting that I'm a woman and need to transition and be done with it is LIVING IT! No more hiding behind a lie for the sake of fitting someone else's narrow minded version of reality. No more HIDING, LYING, trying desperately to be someone I could never be. Something tells me that I put half again as much energy into my new life, as I did the old one, coupled with honesty and the freedom to be me, and I'm going to have a great life!!! Yes, transition cures something, my irrational need to be someone else, to need to live in self imposed pain and misery because I bought lock, stock and barrel the line of bull the world sold me for years! I'm reveling in being happy right now, feeling "normal" and comparatively healthy. GD is not, I say again NOT some mental disorder, not even close. It is, in my case, a series of tasks that I need to do to cut down on confusion and make me physically a bit more comfortable. The hardest part is over, I AM WOMAN, the rest are some things I need to do when I can afford them, just like a new wardrobe.

I'm done, it's over, I AM WOMAN and I'm NEVER, EVER going back to Men's country to suffer a silent agony of not being allowed to be me! I spent thirty six or so years in prison for a "crime" I did not commit, and I'm NOT EVER going back. There's an amazing pleasure and freedom in just being . . . ME! One I've never known before. Kay ( lovely woman in Florida I talk to ) says my "optimism is infectious" and you know, if it rubs off, even a little on everyone reading this I'll be a happy girl! I am a happy girl!!!

Something I wrote . . .

I recently left a comment on someone else's blog that I feel bears repeating here.

"Hey there! I know, EXACTLY how you feel. My ex, I call "him" Earl after the Dixie Chick's song "Goodbye Earl" is someone who hurt me so badly there are times I have wondered if I can go on with life.

I did not read what you wrote that you feel you have to apologize for, but you are entitled to give voice to your pain. It is part of the healing process, and healthy for you to do. Someone else doesn't like it, well they have my sympathy, but not my respect. Sympathy I dole out freely, respect on the other hand has to be earned.

Your apology was penned with feeling and depth I strongly suspect may have been lost on the person who most needed to read it. I know exactly how you feel, I am standing next to you scratching my head with a HOW COULD THEY look on my face.

I don't know if you lost this person because of the journey we share, or as was my case, for some completely stupid reason. When I met, and later married, Earl he knew about what was then my special little secret. We married anyway, not because I thought it was a "cure" as so many of us do, but because I really loved this person deeply.

Earl touched my life in a profound and special way, and I came to think that I didn't need to transition because if the one person I loved most knew me and treated me with love and respect life would be good.

Well, my Earl, a big time "momma's" boy down to the umpteenth decimal place sold me a line and I bought it, right down to the violence and pain he gave me for years before I finally stood up for myself. As if GD isn't enough to deal with, now thanks to Earl I have PTSD, GAD, and nearly life ending depression.

My mind knows better, really it does, after all NO ONE is worth killing yourself over. My heart and soul know such darkness and pain that the so called christian "Hell" sounds like a vacation spot. Freyja as my witness, I'm working hard to move forward and heal. There are however times when I wish things, feel things, that are less than nice.

I AM entitled to my feelings, I am allowed to give them voice, freedom from this cage that is my heart. I need to heal, to grow, to move on and not go into a suicidal tailspin everytime I get to close to a Bed, Bath and Beyond. I need to reach a point in my life where he's a distant memory, not a searing torch to my heart and soul.

You go girl! Hang in there it can ONLY GET BETTER!!!"

I feel like that is something about myself that I need to refer to once in a while, and thought I'd share it with anyone who wanders by!