Sunday, July 26, 2009

This just in . . .

I hate to be a naysayer in a herd full of Armageddon worshiping sociopaths (Right wingers and nut jobs all) but the 2012 catastrophe that so many folks are obsessed with isn't coming. Actually it's been canceled do to lack of interest. So California is NOT going to fall off into the ocean, it will not be the end of life as we know it. It's that simple. No get out of decades worth of self indulent stupidity free card is coming, and God is most certainly NOT going to come and life us all up as what's left of this once beautiful world burns.

It's not going to happen. So just get over it, and move on.

What IS going to happen is a new age. Where priorities will shift, responsibility will become a form of currency, and mindless, deceptive, lying politicians will need to figure out something else to do. They will haver to earn an honest living. Children, the future, and real forward thinking growth based on sustainability and renewal will become the status quo, and religion? It will become the red headed step child of humanity. People will be valued, tresured, and appreciated for the rich, diverse, lovely beings we all are. Love will be based on a novel new concept, unconditionally loving someone. I know, I know, you're all saying it will never work. Ha! Says you! It is already working, in the future, you just haven't gotten there yet. But that's okay, we love you anyway.

Life as we know it isn't going to go out in a bang, with hellfire and brimstone flowing freely. Nope, that's been canceled cause to many folks have twisted and perverted it into something horrible, wicked and irresponsible. Instead, you have to be nice to people you don't know, spread a smile now and then, lift your neighboor up and say how you doing today?

Family will be about bonds of love, not sex, gender, bloodlines, or who gets who or what.

So, please put your seatbelts on, your tray tables in the upright and locked position and prepare for take off. This plane is on schedule to LEAVE the twilight zone. Welcome to a brave new world!

This is Cassandra speaking for "Forward Views," all the news of tomorrow, today!

Tuesday, July 21, 2009

Dreaming . . .

When I was very young, I had horrific nightmares I won't go into here. Be it enough said that at that young age the nightmares alone were traumatic, which in an already traumatic life, made a certain sense. Then, because of the way I dealt with the horrors of my existence, I stopped dreaming. With the exception of rare "dreams" of other people in other places as an observer, I never dreamed. In those rare dreams of other people and places, I was always this disembodied presence, just watching, never participating.

This continued right up to the point that Earl came into my life. For the first couple of years, before things got so ugly, I was still the disembodied watcher on the rare occasions I'd have any. Then, after Earl raped me the first time, the nightmares started with a vengeance. As time passed, and the horrors in my waking life grew, so too did the nightmares. I recall regularly waking up screaming, crying, and so terrified I wanted to kill myself so I'd never have to go through that again. Pretty serious when dreaming is bad enough that one wants to die. Unfortunately these dreams always involved me, first person, inexorably trapped into situations where I was once again being beaten, rapped and worse. I have pages of diary entries in the after math of some of these nightmares.

So it would be a gross understatement to say that dreaming for me has not been popular or acceptable.

Until recently. In the last couple of weeks I've had some interesting experiences in dreams. Dreams that actually had me waking up feeling okay, even good. It's SO weird! But you know, I'm not going to complain, I see it as another small step forward. Two amazing things about these new dreams, they don't hurt, and even more surprising is the background noise* is not there. Even for the first few blissful moments after waking up, the peace and quiet lingers. It's amazing, and leaves me hopeful for a future that is free from background noise*. Hey. a girl can dream right?

*I'm including a link to Laura's treatment of the term background noise because I so know what she's talking about there.

Monday, July 20, 2009

Relationship drama . . .

. . . and how it impacts how we deal with it, and why.

I'm going to start this with a bit of a disclaimer. I don't really think in terms of labels or orientation. Love is love, be it same or opposite sex. I'm also something of a bad example I guess. In terms of pure numbers and experience (what little I've had) I'm told I'm a Lesbian. Heck I've even had people break up with me because I was a Lesbian. The vast majority of my history has been with women, all have ended badly with me getting hurt. The one man I dated, I married, and he in effect killed me.

Prior to Earl, I was something of a "Militant Radical Lesbian Feminist" of the Man Hating variety. Not because I said so, but because other folks figured that out and decided the label fit.

Earl was a Man "trapped" in a DES body. He more or less "passed" as female when he really put his mind to it, but otherwise he was a dude. Through and through, no question about it. He was also suffering from Narcissistic Personality Disorder. Not because I say so, or because anyone in the medical field says so, but because in the years since he killed me, I've found out from reading. So he "suckered me in" sold me someone he wasn't, couldn't and would never be in order to get from me what he wanted. I fell for it hook, line and sinker. And because he was passing mostly as a woman at the time I was head over heals stupid in love before I found out his little secret. Now I'm not a bigot, far from it, I love people. Doesn't matter what the details are, but I just love people. I'm a very social creature by nature, and this has only grown stronger with time. I don't know if it would have made a difference if I'd known from day one he was male, but I certainly would have been WAY, WAY more cautious.

So when we started dating, I thought I was dating a woman. I thought I was falling in love with a woman, again. It was nothing new to me. Every serious relationship I'd had before Earl was with women. In the purest sense of labels, that makes me a die hard lesbian. Before Earl I'd never been with a guy. Admittedly because I had a very unhealthy attitude toward men. The person I was in those days used to say quite seriously that "Men should be kept in cages when not being used, other wise kept on a very short leash, and beaten regularly just so they know their place." Pathetic yes, also a bit prophetic too, because that was in essence what Earl believed about women, and spent more than a decade of my life doing to me.

So like I say, I went into the relationship with blinders on, and a false sense of who I was dating. A big part of that is my own fault and I get that. I'm attracted - even still somewhat to this day - to men who are bad for me. Guys like my Dad. Which is part of why I'm in no rush to start dating anytime soon. I'm still healing and looking at how I wound up HERE instead of where I wanted to go with my life. I want to avoid making the same mistake again.

So as part of my healing and growth process I started to fall back on the whole man hating lesbian thing in my post Earl life. My sister pulled me up short and read me the riot act. "Little or no experience, or one bad experience with men should not be a reason to be a lesbian, let alone a venomous man hating type. You're too old for this crap, I put up with it from you for years, enough okay?" She then launched into the details of why it was so much harder to be a lesbian, and how it cuts down on my options for a serious relationship. She also went into the whole thing of lesbian drama, and how it just spools out endlessly and that Lesbians are more crazy than men. She also argued that I was straight, had always been and was in denial. "At best Sam your a straight leaning Bi girl, but a lesbian? Nah, you're just too straight to be a lesbian."

Wow, well thanks ever so much for the vote of confidence.

Now, in my experience, on balance, lesbians are no more or less "crazy" than men. In fact anytime you bring two people together regardless of the details, there is going to be some drama.

Case in point, my sister (the one of great lectures above) is in a highly dysfunctional relationship with someone who is almost as bad for her as Earl was for me. It's a matter of degrees I guess.

But it, and a comment I made elsewhere on the web, got me thinking. First the comment I made:

Am I asking too much to want one who's smart, funny, AND cares about other people feelings? Someone who is sensitive and empathetic? Passionate about something other than TV and sports? Some who's actually emotionally invested in relationships? Who will get to know me? Someone who will know when to shut the heck up and hold me instead of badgering me with how HE thinks I should SOLVE the problem?

Oh good God, I sound like a lesbian!

So all relationships have an equal chance of being bad for one, of causing one pain, and while I am attracted to men, some of the things I need most from a relationship seem to be, somewhat, shall we say elusive in men's country. My sister for example who is very out about being Bi decided that in terms of social issues, relationship issues, and over all acceptance that it was just easier to be heteroish.

But the very drama she was expounding on when it comes to relationships with women, I've also seen in equal mesures with men, and it doesn't seem to be doing her any good.

So if there is going to be relationship drama regardless of who you're dating, what difference does the gender of that person make? Relationship drama is drama, regardless of the type, and so in the spirit of Carrie Bradshaw I ask you. Does orientation really matter?

In my case, I wonder if the things I most need and want in a relationship are even possible with a guy. Now admittedly I'm not going to base everything on one toxic psychopath. I mean I have two sisters that are happily married, so I know it's possible. I've even met some amazing men (some of whom read this, you know who you are) so I know they exist, but so far, they're all married or taken. Plus I'm not really in a rush to start dating. But still. The question remains:

Does gender in a relationship make that big a difference? Or is it like Spock said, "A difference that makes no difference, is no difference." Is the potential for drama a reson not to date someone? Especially when there are good reasons to date someone? I no longer buy into the concept of what society thinks about who I love or don't. So then it becomes a question of are there any real reasons not to date half the population if or when I ever get back to "dating?"

Right now I'm still working on getting over the need to throw up when I even think about someone getting too close to me. I'll get there. I mean I've made huge amounts of progress in the years since Earl, and I have hope that one day I'll be healed enough to consider a serious relationship. Sometimes, hope has to be enough cause it's all I have.

British Job Opening: Wanted, Witch.

It's a nice Salary, just over 80k a year here on this side of the pond:

BC News | Business | The witch job that pays £50,000

It's interesting but whats the catch? Here's my question,

Does the job come with flying monkeys? cause that's a deal breaker for me. Being a Witch of that sort without flying monkeys is like being captain of a boat that's five hundred miles inland and can't go anywhere. Why it's like being a top level demon reporting directly to the source without minions. It's like being a Goa'uld, a false god, without an army of Jaffa.

See, that's why the pay is so high, because they are hoping someone will over look the lack of flying monkeys. Just over 80K a year and no flying monkeys, wow, the economy really is in trouble . . .

I mean if I have to bring my own flying monkeys, well they are going to have to pay me a whole lot more!

Wednesday, July 15, 2009

Busty McBabbles to split the GOP?

Ok, this is going to be shortish, but to the point. ish. Meh.

Back when I had Jumper One in the shop and I was freaking out that my Ten year old car was toast, I saw several hours of Sarah Palin babbling about QUITING her job. Not only was she not going to run for re-election, she wasn't going to finish this term. Thank God! Now before I go casting stones I'm going to admit straight up I've been known to babble. Get me nervous, scared, or whatever, and in very little time at all folks will be calling me Brooke.

As in babbles like . . .

So today while reading some tripe about Sarah Palin's determiniation to split the republican party, two things happened. One I nearly peed my self laughing, and two the new nickname for the Red Dame who can see Russion from her house just sprang unbidden into my head:

"Busty McBabbles"

Because the second she goes off the prompter, well it's all over. She'll babble on for days. "Let's cut to tape! Quick, before she says something truely idiotic. Oops, too late."

So like I was saying, I know another babbler when I see one. I've seen one. Sarah Palin.

At any rate (short post eh Samantha?) she's got this plan you see, to bring the party back to supremacy! She's going to weed out all the trash and the liberals, and the Republicans will be back in power.

Let me assure you folks, the flying pigs are fleeing for thier lives, because those cute, flying, firebreathing, donkey-dragons from the end of Shrek II have it in their head to have some bacon. Face it folks, the pigs have flown. And that boat Sarah Palin is on? Well it sailed back before I was born in 1890. Lincoln, a Republican back in the days when the party hadn't been over-run by right wing nut jobs, had tried to bring about political reform and argued passionatly and logically, that two political parties of such scope and power, do not a true representative democracy make. No-one was buying it then, and aside from the American people, no-one is going to buy it now. The independent party is, statistically, and politically, largly only good at diluting the system enough to cast doubt, but is otherwise insignificant. I'm sorry if that offends anyone, but it's a simple mathematical reality folks don't seem to want to face.

The Repblican's have no interest in breaking up the Grand Ole Party, because at least for a time, it would mean real power for the Democrats, and amusingly enough, the Democrats are just fine with the Republican party because it's better an enemy you know. Plus the simple fact is, it wouldn't be long before they split if the Republican's did for no other reasons than believing they could align themselves with the more liberal/conservative splinters of the GOP to form, wait for it, another Two Party system.

Short of formal, constitutionally mandated campign and libbying finance reforms that in essence put an end to lobbying as it exists today, we will never see real government of the people, by the people, for the people in the United States.

So, Busty McBables can just wander off with the idiots at big oil and do whatever they wish, she's already proven herself irrelevant, now she's simply working on stupid. Big Oil, well they are on a very short leash as was shown last summer. They lost BILLIONS of dollars when the price of gas passed $4.00 in terms of the national average in May of last year alone. People, businesses, spoke by just not driving. The already trashed economy only got worse, and it was perfectly obvious they weren't helping.

Want real change? Close Wall Street, or dramatically curtail it's impact buy limiting it opportunities to buy on margin . . .

Oh, wait, that ship sailed too. I remember in great and horrifying detail the FIRST great depression . . . How and why it really happened and the changes put in place to prevent THAT from ever happening again. Worked amazingly well didn't it? The Wall Street jokers and the conservatives worked together to get around that little "restirction" and they could once again play with money and things that didn't even exist yet. Buying and margin became a fine art, and the old boys club worked up some sweet deals to keep playing God. And then it all went horribly wrong. We're all still feeling it, suffering, and they get BILLIONS in bailout money and a "Oops, now boys you have to be more careful."

So the second depression stretches on, but now the entire world is suffering. Good job there.

As long as there are two parties in the world, not just the US, there will be no true representaive democracy. And for those who wish to pic nits, the US is in fact a Republic that has spend the last two hundred plus years proving Capatalism as practiced here, doesn't work.

There are two parties, the Haves and the Have Nots. 90+% of the worlds resources are owned and controlled by the HAVES, and the rest of us are killing ourselves to try and get of peice of the action. However, like Prometheus dying by day, we only revive ourselves anouth by night, to repeat the same cycle again the next day. Only two things in life are said to be certain, death and taxes. Soon as they can figure out how to fix that problem in the system, the IRS will abolish death. You laugh, but they have people working on it now.

This is Cassandra speaking for "Forward Views," the only News from Tomorrow, Today . . .

Saturday, July 11, 2009

A new way of doing things . . .

Since I am starting to "process" more of my stuff, and at times it can get darker than I like to put over here, I've started another blog. The darker stuff, the stuff related to surviving and the crap I've been through is going to go over there. Below you will see an entry that reads only "MY Car . . ." it's a link through to the other blog, and the other stuff. This way I don't have to feel guilty about what content goes here. Yeah, I know, it's my blog, but it's my head and heart too. There's so much more than meets the eye, I just need a different way of organizing it. And thus, a blog is born.

In other news, my friend Chelsea looked like she was going to fall off the chair tonight when we were talking about one of her friends who was Dyslexic and I said "Oh, yeah, I know how much that sucks, I'm dyslexic too." When she could speak again the first words out of her mouth were "But you're so smart! You can't be dyslexic!"

Yeah, if only it really worked that way. So we talked about that for a while, her being further amazed because "If you're this smart and you're dyslexic, wonder what you'd be like if you were not?" I think after talking about it for a while she finally has a bit better understanding of it, but I'm not sure.

My Car . . .

Wednesday, July 08, 2009

A trip in the way back machine . . .

It's hard to believe that over twenty years ago someone I was dating sat me down and said:

"I can't keep doing this. You are NOT Vulcan. You are NOT an Android. You are NOT a block of stone. You are NOT an alien. Yet, you have NO facial expressions, NO body language, your eyes don't even show there is anyone home in there. Being stoic would be an improvement compared to how you are now. I'm not a mind reader and I don't want to be one, but it would be nice if I had some idea that you were . . . I don't know, alive maybe? I'm tired of trying to have a relationship with a piece of machinery."

That was in essence what I was told, that and maybe I wanted to look into the problem or look into another relationship.

It set off a process that lead me here. Mind you I so could have done without the Earl side trip, but otherwise I'm really grateful at the touch this one person had on my life. Ironically enough Foreigner's "A Girl Like You" just came on the radio, it and "I want to know what love is" were two of my favorites back then. So anyway, I tried to find a compromise between being who I am, and the undead creature I was back then, because I was pretty sure I was in love. Actually at the time I was certain I was in love. So I started making changes. But as the old saying goes, in for a penny, in for a pound? Or is that you give an inch? Anyway, the changes started then cascaded into time and space and caused other changes. Changes that snowballed out of my control pretty quickly.

A bunch of years ago I decided to look up P-- and say thanks. Well, easier said than done. I've since had dreams of running into P-- and catching up. The probelm is that P-- had an unusual last name to start with, and having then married and moved a whole bunch, it was like trying to find a needle in a very large haystack. Last address I had for her was over twenty years ago. As part of my "Independence Day 2.0, Now with Presents!" I should have mentioned I thought I found her, but it was all part of that amazing confluence of energy and time/space. So yesterday I put together a carefully worded one page letter and mailed it to the adress I dug out of the computers of the world. I'm hoping it's the right address and that I have indeed found her. She did something wonderful, though honestly at the time I wasn't so sure.

I know if I ran into her on the street, she'd be stunned. In fact she'd not know who I was. I've come that far from that emotionless block of stone all those years ago. I have friends who describe my face as dancing when I talk. My eyes while always pretty to the point of notice and comment by folks are now glowing with life, and in spite of what I've survived, hope and feeling. My body language has made similar leaps forward so that folks pretty much agree I'm one of the single most expressive people around. It's not like I did it on purpose, it is just the logical conclusion of that conversation all those years ago.

Long, long way from a block of stone. She did a wonderful thing, and has helped make me the woman I am today. She also used quip that one day I'd make a wonderful wife for someone. Just at the time she wasn't looking for a wife. I'd like her to know how right she was then too.

Freedom is an interesting thing. Once I started getting over myself, and all the rules and restirictions I'd put on my own life because of what other people had insisted I do, think, feel and believe it was all down hill from there. I was free to be me, to express myself, to let folks get close to me, know ME, not the characterization I'd created and then bought into. One thing led to another, and of course Earl, who I'm starting to realize actually helped me in a bizarre kind of way. That however is a story for another day. Right now, I'm going to hope that I've actually found P-- and will hear back from her at some point soon.

It promises to be an interesting bit of catching up we'll do.

Sunday, July 05, 2009

Bugs and Monsoons be damned . . .

. . . I have to go to Arizona one of these days. Something Farnel wrote on her blog recently made me thing about the first time I heard this song, and knew just how screwed I was . . .

. . . it was shortly after he'd raped me the first time. That's when it became painfully clear that everything, and I do mean everything was a facade. That there is no Arizona.

Because the song came along right after one of the most horrific experiences in my life, I'd actually gotten it cross-connected to that event, and the realization born of it, and believed (believe? All evidence to the contrary) that Arizona doesn't actually exist. That my hopes, dreams, wants, and needs for the future had vanished with the state. Destroyed when he destroyed me, and destroyed my innocence.

I now have friends, people I care about, who live in Arizona, and it wasn't until I read Farnel's post that it dawned on me that somehow it has once again become real for me. That was unexpected. If I can get - when I can get past my issue with bugs down there, I want to go down there. I need to go down into the Grand Canyon and lay down on the ground, closer to the heart of the earth, and thank the universe for my life. For the continuing strength to recover, grow and move on. I need to explore a bit, and meet some of the people who have touched my life with healing, courage, strength and friendship who call Arizona home.

I also need to take Arizona back. I need for it to be real for me. Technically I was in Arizona once briefly. We went through Arizona on the way back from San Fransisco when I was out there on business. Well sort of business. A company in San Fransisco found my resume online and flew me out there for a couple of day of interviews and put me up at the Donnatello. That was a while ago, it was also kinda cool in retrospect. So I flew through and had a brief layover in Phoenix. Wow, that was a while ago.

I also have this need to go to Sedona and feel it for myself.

So I need for there to be an Arizona, for me. To take back something in my life I never got to in the fish place. Regrettably I don't think going there will change my relationship with the some or what it means. It's symbolic. And it symbolizes all the things Earl promised and didn't even try to make good on. I symbolizes giving myself to him utterly and completely, with the innocense he took and destroyed. I'd wanted to, and really believed in the whole growing old together, having each others back and love as we moved through time and space. I gave him some of the best years of my life. Now . . . wow, just wow, I sometimes, oft times, can't believe how much this hurts. But I go on, and I heal, and who knows, maybe if I'm really lucky I'll take back enough of what he took from me to break even before this shell is no longer capable of housing my spirit. Maybe one day there will truely be an Arizona for me, and for Farnel, and so many other folks who deserve way better than we've gotten.

Saturday, July 04, 2009

Oh yes, one other present . . .

I don't even know how I forgot to mention this!

Many, many years ago I dated someone who is in some respects single handedly responsible for the direct my life has taken in the years since. I've been trying to find her now for several years to thank her for the profound and lasting touch she's had on my life. Today, my extensive mining of the internet and other databases turned up a solid lead. I'm working on a letter to her right now. I imagine it's probably going to blow her right out of the water so to speak, because we dated twenty three years ago. We were both 22. So now I have the chance to thank her for the lasting touch she had on my life.

Talk about a present. A chance to reconnect just a bit and see how she's doing, and let her know just how important and special she is, and the part she played in my life.

Independence Day Version 2.0, now with presents!

Two hundred thirty three years in the making, Independence day just got better!

So it's been an interesting day, or couple of days. Topping the list is the news from my sister that yes, she did in fact elope! I'm so happy for her, cause she's been searching for a while for Mr. Right. Before too much confusion ensues, this is NOT the same sister that was just in the hospital. I'm blessed with several. So, yes, my sister is now a married woman! So there is that, most certainly a present in my book, because I've so wanted her to be happy!

In other news, yesterday on a whim, driven by partial panic, I took Jumper One back into the shop. Why? Because while there's supposed to be a "Tiger in the Tank" it's not supposed to sound like one while driving. Mind you, the growling sound was coming from the engine, not the exhaust system that I had completely replaced two years ago. So I brought it in, had them listen, at which point the mechanic looked at me and said "Never heard a car do that before . . ." Great, I'm already freaking out that my poor Jumper is going to cost me a fortune to fix, and then he says that! Two hours of listening to Sarah Palin prattle on without making much sense other than she's quitting, they take me into the bay to show me what the noise is. The heat shield came off one of the mounts and was vibrating against the exhaust. Twenty three dollars later, she was good to go. Regrettably the tires need to be replaced. All four of them. Thankfully, they are having a special one day sale tomorrow. Buy one tire, get one free. That will significantly reduce the cost, but it's taking a heck of a bite out of my reserves what with an alignment and all. But hey, they could have skunked me on the heat shield and didn't, and let me in on a sale they were having tomorrow, so like I say, presents!

I also realized that while I probably won't live here the rest of my life, on balance, Ohio has been pretty good to me so far. I've also learned that i can be involved in helping other people I care about, without destroying my own life in the process. You know, that's pretty cool too.

So I hope everyone has had a happy, healthy and safe Independence day and have found their own presents.