Wednesday, March 25, 2009

Life, Love and Validation.

So since validation seems to be the theme of the week, I'll toss my two cents into the hat. I'd round up for inflation and cost of living, but it's not that big a deal at this stage in my life.

The local lake I regularly walk around, and boat on in the nicer weather is open again for the season. Well, the lake hasbeen open, but the boat house to rent boats and sell fishing supplies was open. So I stuck my head in to see if the rates were the same from last year (they are) and noticed something that just seemed so wrong. It was a fishing pole with a reel (spinner?) that had little flashing diodes as you wound it. I looked at the guy behind the desk and said is that for real, or just something to make you look? He got all animated and said, no they really come like that, here, look at this one and leads me over to a rack of them and hands me the electric hot pink one. It too sparkled and flashed when you spun it. He says to me "and look, it's pink, so that you'll easily be able to tell the difference between your's and your boyfriend's." Nice of him to assume I'd be fishing with a boyfriend I don't have right?

So I walked about a mile, laughing to myself that they make them in pink now too, and the way he just took it for granted I'd want the pink one. Sure, he assumed that I'd want the pink one, but I know some women who hate pink. Me, I don't fish, I don't eat them, I don't do the whole catch and release thing, but it might be nice to just sit there casting and slowly reeling it in. Well I can't say I don't eat fish like ever, cause truth to tell, a good tuna or salmon roll is better than a fillet sometimes, and of course throw some on the grill and crumble it in a salad, oh yum! As to the act of fishing, truth to tell, it's a trick I picked up from a certain Air Force General. He loves the relaxation of fishing, without there being any pesky fish in his pond.

Sitting here, I slipped into a bit of a fun earlier. When I was talking to my sister I said I was feeling a bit of a funk and she said "Cold or Blue?" I said "Cobalt, maybe even midnight blue!" I always get extra down during the spring, I don't know why, but it's not usually my favorite season. Fall is the one for me, especially in New England. Oddly enough not even because of the famous fall colors. When you grow up and live in New England for as long as I did, the color is, well, pretty and all that, but there is this quality to the air I simply adore! Yes, I'm strange, I love the smell of a New England fall more than the colors.

So while I was in my funk, I was thinking of one of my favorite quotes from Camus:

"A loveless world is a dead world, and always there comes an hour when one is weary of prisons, of one’s work, and of devotion to duty, and all one craves for is a loved face, the warmth and wonder of a loving heart."
Albert Camus

That speaks to me on so many levels, especially on the note having someone special in my life. Don't get me wrong, I love my family and friends, but sometimes not having anyone to go walking with, hanging out with, someone watching my six, while I watch his, gets old. As bad as he was for me in so many ways, I miss Earl. So yeah, I'm steaming along, fighting the good fight so to speak, but sometimes being alone sucks. I still talk to Earl, but it's not the same as a hand to hold while walking, not the same as having someone to wrap their arms around me and hold me. I know one day, when I've healed some, and can start looking at sharing my life with someone again, I won't be so alone. In the meantime, being a widow just sucks sometimes. So me, I'm feeling weary...

At least I'm not Woolly right? You know, what Tim Robbins was singing about in Bull Durham? "When women get woolly . . ." Geeze, I mean really, I shave what little hair I have on my legs. But Woolly?

So one last question to the blogosphere? Has anyone hear from Sara at Sara's Navel? I don't have her email adess and it seems like her blog is gone. It's been four months since she posted last (not that I'm keeping score) but I'm hoping she's okay! He, cool, I got to use blogosphere in a sentence! Never imagined I'd do that!

Saturday, March 21, 2009

Missing the point in favor of defending a position.

Near as I can figure, a friend of mine, who recently pitched a fit, entirerly missed the point of my last email. I've noticed that her political views and mine don't mesh. That's okay, since 99% of the time mine don't mesh with me either. Anyway last night she sent me a whole batch of bash Obama bumper stickers, and I asked her to take me off the list for those.

She replied with a venomous diatribe about the evils of liberals and how it was okay for them tobash Bush, but now that the shoe was on the other foot, hated the Obama attacks. Acussed me of some horrible things, and swore not only not to mail me this stuff again, but that she'd never email me again at all. That I shouldn't bother to reply because she wouldn't read it.

Wow. Harsh, reactionary and even violent. All because I tried to point out that I was intentionally NOT bashing anyone! Ferdryinoutloud already I'm a Buddhist, it's not in my view of the 'Verse to go about launching negative energy hither and yon. I don't care what someone labels themselves or each other, but draw the line at having them force their views, especially really negative ones down my throat. I'm neither liberal, nor conservative, Republican or Democrat, and I'm tired of the constantly shifting blame game.

I don't care whose doing it, talking trash about politics and how dark everything looks only begets more of the same. Why make things worse?!? Right now I'm focusing on healing and growth, and NOT welcoming more trump and pain into my life.

Frankly the entire US socio-political-economic system is in deep trouble and needs healing and growth. I don't care who did what to whom, why, or what you call it. Stop focusing on blame and work together on fixing it! If you don't have anything good or constructive to say, then please, by all means keep your own counsel and let folks work in peace.

All the political parties and vitriol labeled as "free speech" is just more lies covering violence with the Constitution. I don't want or need to hear it. As my father used to say, "don't go away mad, just go away" cause I don't want to play. Or as Sandra Bullock said in Demolition Man "Can we just dump some hormones!"

Don't be bashing anyone around me, regardless of who, what, or why. Life is hard enough at times without bringing more suffering by causing others pain with "Free Speech" because it's anything but!

Monday, March 16, 2009

Now for something lighter redux.

My friends enrich my life in so many ways. Recently while browsing photos one of my friends had put up on Facebook I instantly thought of another. Since it seems she left Facebook, although I'm not sure, they have been messing with Facebook of late in some major ways, so they could have lost her. Anyway, this is Princess Vicky Jo as she was captured by Vader and some Storm Troopers.

So seeing this picture I thought of Ange of course. Since I couldn't share it with Ange on Facebook, Vicky Jo said it was okay for me to post it here. It's a great picture and shows what a great sport Vicky Jo is, her innate sense of fun.

Saturday, March 14, 2009

Clean everything!

Okay, I'm about to head off to the land of nod, but I just thought I'd wallow in the anticipation a touch longer. Clean Samantha, inside and out, fresh clean sheets, a cup of tea, some lavender incense burning and candle light has my whole bedroom set in just the right mood. For the moment, all is right at Casa Samantha, who knows, maybe a glass of wine and I'm good. Setting the mood isn't just for romance, it's for even something as simple as sleeping.

So Good Night Wide Wonderful World where ever you are!


Friday, March 13, 2009

Friday the 13th.

I had a wonderful day. There's only 20 minutes left in the day, but I'm pretty certain the rest of it is going to be fine. I had a somewhat busy, but laid back day. My mailbox contained a 90 day supply of all my meds, so I don't have to worry about those for a while, and I saved myself 50 dollars a month for the next 3 months. Woot! I decided I'd go find the local Drive-in restaurant and have myself a Black & White shake, and I went shopping briefly for a new fan to put in my bedroom, otherwise a fine day not doing much of anything.

Probably the most amusing thing of note was with the batch of meds that came in today I'm officially back on Spironalactone. Yup, three years post-op and I'm back on a blocker. Why? Because my body is still making more Testosterone than my body is okay with. My blood pressure is up, my hair and nails are coming apart, and I'm starting to have a little bit of a problem with acne again. So, back on the blocker. Meanwhile I know post-op women who have to take testosterone because their bodies don't make enough, or any. Me I've alwasy been terribly sensitive to it, mind you my levels are in the middle of the female normal range, but that's just a bit more than my body is happy with.

So that's my Friday the thirteenth. Utterly uneventful, just how I like them.

Tomorrow I spend a few hours babysitting my namesake while my sister goes to a Gordon Lightfoot concert, and then we do the whole dinner and movie, plus a bunch of wine, just hanging out. So, I think I'm going to go jump in the shower so my hair will be dry and clean come the morning, have a cup of tea, and head off to the land of nod. Yes, I'm going to bed with my hair wet. Horrors! Actually for me it's never a problem. Put it up in a pony tail and blow it out in the morning and I'm fine.

Tuesday, March 10, 2009

I love Zilla!

Zilla comes out with things like this recent gem as part of a comment on Ange's blog.

'. . . pray like hell that they're inherently lazy, like American teenagers who don't understand why there isn't a smiling drive-thru attendant inside of the refrigerator. "Got milk!! Want fries with that?"'

Is that gold or what? Her Blog is frequently every bit as lucid, well written and funny. If you haven't been to her blog or Ange's for that matter, what are you waiting for? I mean they both write so well they should be charging for it! Their writing, regardless of the subject, is so often just utterly brilliant. They have indeed found their respective voices because regardless the topic, the way they write alone is wonderful beyond mere words can do justice.

Monday, March 09, 2009

The wonder of writing and finding your voice.

Oh what a wonderful, and powerful insight this has been in my life. I write. Constantly. Writing lets me see who I was, am, and become. Writing is as limitless as God[dess], and all at once, as limiting as a snapshot.

In my life up to June of 2004 writing was a tool for communications in a highly structured, cold, distant, technical fashion. Professionally I was sought out for my ability, but I had no real voice. In '04 as I lay weak and spent from a ong battle to save my own life, I put pen to paper and began at first, to document what was happening.

Over time, and the many battles to survive, my writing grew. My soul grew, and my voice became the mirror to my soul. I started five years ago with a single 200 page comp book. Today I'm in my 16th comp book and I've been growing this chronicle of my growth at the rate of three or four volumes per year.

The process of daily writing, has over time, become a form of meditation for me, as I take thoughts, feelings, experiences and weave them into a fixed form, embracing, accepting, and integrating them into me, while preserving the moment. It has indeed become mindfullness manifest.

I'm kind of sorry I missed this seminar, but confident that all who attended could find start the path to the opening the lotus of their voice.

200 page comp books: around $4.00 each.
The growth and memories they capture: Priceless!
Finding your voice in everything you are: Writing.

Sunday, March 08, 2009

When it's time to say goodbye . . .

. . .to a friend.

Donna Rose was talking about friendship in one of her recent posts, and I can so relate to what she was talking about.

Yesterday was great, spent a bunch of time hanging out with my namesake and his Momma, my friend Val. We were talking about the nature of relationships, and when it's time to let go and move on because being the only one working on a relationship, working towards a better life, isn't really worth it. On the other hand some relationships seem to flow, and not need huge amounts of work for them to thrive and grow. Such is the nature of our relationship. At one point she looked at me and said "I don't think Mark was entirely prepared for just how well we would hit it off. And we have, from day one. It's been great. If she hadn't met Mark and they hadn't started dating, she and I never would have met. But from Day one, we've been like two old friends who really "get" each other. Cool.

The other side of this coin is that no matter how hard one person works on a relationship, it does indeed, as my crazy Dad always said, take two to tango. Good, Bad or indifferent.

My younger brother is regrettably clinically insane. He's got nearly unmanaged, severe, bipolar disorder that leaves him significantly out of touch with reality or anything close. Almost a year ago I was forced to break all ties with him, because it took dramatically more work and effort on my part to deal with his issues. Sure he's biologically related to me, in that his mother and mine are the same. As to his Dad and mine being the same, I'm seriously begining to doubt that. No, truthfully? While we both had the same Dad growing up, I'm pretty certain based on everything I know now, that he is not my biological father. Such is life. Means somewhere out there is a guy that is my actual Father, but neither of us will ever know that. I'm not going to lose sleep over it. The point being is that my brother has grown up to be just like my Dad in so many ways, and me not at all.

Back in March of last year, in a related post, I was thinking about my brother when I wrote it, and another friend of mine who I was trying to decide when or if it's time to say goodbye. I don't make such decisions lightly, and it's taken me more than a year to decide that yes, it's time to say goodbye.

This woman and I have known each other now for five years. She was along a similar path, a similar journey to mine, and I befriended her early in my own travels because we had more than that in common. She was a lover of great music, and had a great gift for putting things into words. That was then. Now, she spends all her time, and what time I'm willing to share with her, bitching about how evil the world is, and how she wants to really transition. Mind you she's been "full time" almost as long as I have, but hasn't dealt with things correctly. When real ID finally hits, she's going to be screwed, because she'll lose the "F" on her DL. Anyway, that's not what I'm here to talk about. What I am here to say is I've been forced to realize that it's time.

Why? Because in a reply to one of her recnt tirades about being a "poor miserable tranny," I had something of an epiphany. One that is going to shape our future relationship, or lack thereof. I wrote:

This just came to me:

You: Assume that everyone is going to know you used to be a man and they are going to hate you and make your life a living hell. Then you're hurt when they do.

Me: I assume that everyone is going to see and know I'm a woman and they'll like me. Then I'm not at all disappointed or surprised when they do. Only time I really think about it is when you send me you longer suffering miserable tranny messages. You know when I get "clocked?" NEVER. It just doesn't happen.

Not because I'm this perfect wood worked woman, but because I'm just a woman. No artificial preservatives, fillers, or MSG added. I'm all natural, cholesterol free fun.

It's been the nature of our relationship for at least the last three years, and you know, I'm tired. I try to be encouraging, she takes offense, tells me I'll never measure up and so many other stupid, insane things and becomes verbally abusive. I mention real steps she can take to dramatically improve her life, and she offends and insults me.

May take a while, but I can take a hint. "The one friend you have is one too many Mare." Fine, I get that, and I'm sorry I've tried to encourage you to have more. Silly me, I think friendship is one of the greatest blessings a person can have in this life. Family you get stuck with, no choice, and you do what you can. Friends on the other hand CHOOSE each other.

Friends can also decide for themselves, "when it's time to say goodbye . . ."

Regrettably, I find myself there. I'm going to place an autoresponder into my mail server that sends a link to this post to her next time she emails me, and other wise drops her mail into a bit bucket.

"Congratulations Mare, you've just succeeded in pushing away your one friend left."

I wish I didn't have to say her one last friend, but both I and her sister have been trying to get her to take life more seriously, stop being an obsessed gender nazi, and get some friends. I really was her only friend for a long time, still am. Was?

I can't do this anymore. I shouldn't have to do this anymore. So it's time to say goodbye.

I have so many real friends I care about, and want to spend my time and energy with that it doesn't make sense to keep suffering like this. It's not a decision I make lightly, but do make with a heavy heart. It is my fundamental belief that people are not disposable. Sometimes however a safe distance is a healthy thing. People cannot get help unless or until they are ready for it. I have a responsibility to myself, and to Mare, to do her or myself no harm. Right now the best way to do that is to enforce some healthy distance.