Friday, January 21, 2005

Me think she doth protest too much . . .

Sometime ago I wrote several pages in my offline diary about how and why women in general, and transsexual women in particular can wind up as lesbians. Me, I WAS firmly convinced for DECADES that should I ever get to this point in my life, I too would be a confirmed Lesbian.

Last month at the very first support group I'd ever attended one of the Women there couldn't understand HOW any TS woman could be a lesbian. She shuddered just thinking about it, and went into great detail about how she was looking forward to losing her virginity. She was PostOp and healed up nicely, just looking for "Mr. Right" to take her gently into her new sex life.

Well it was that whole line of thinking that lead me to two pages in my diary on the subject and of course my plan to share this with her during the next meeting. Never one to do things halfway I've been thinking about the issue further, wishing to make sure I've covered all the different angles and consider everyone else's opinions on the subject I realized something interesting and not the least bit "frightening" in a good way.

I too am looking forward to being held, kissed, caressed and more! Yes, that's right after DECADES of being something of a "man hating lesbian" to the point of having people call me that LONG before they ever knew my "little secret", I'm looking forward to possibly finding "Mr. Right" myself. Surprise, surprise, surprise!

Some how on the road time finally becoming myself, on finally being whole, complete and somewhat "normal" I've found out some very interesting things about myself. On such being that while yes, I still have a nice healthy lesbian attraction to Women, I find myself looking at Men differently. Suddenly these "Vile, testosterone poisoned creatures jumping up and down on the table pounding thier hairy chests grunting" don't look and smell as bad as they used to and THAT really amuses me. Talk about poetic justice, talk about how life can and does change in the most amazing ways! Here I am, the conflicted soul who while still in the closet had a Women break up with me because I was a "Radical Lesbian Feminist" and to out about it for her comfort, looking forward to having a man inside the vagina I don't have yet.

Katie broke up with me because she wasn't ready for her folks to find out she was a lesbian, and I would have "outted" her to her parents if they met me. I argued that my views were perfectly normal for a man and might be considered mildly homophobic if anything. Mind you I was still fighting my own inner turmoil and certainly NOT out to her or anyone else at the time, but I was a "guy" or so I kept saying. I couldn't possibly be a Lesbian I argued, I had the wrong plumbing!!!

Today on the other hand while if, several years from now my vagina and I have a much closer relationship than we do now happen to find "Ms. Right" I won't hesitate to fully and completely enjoy a serious LTR with her, "Mr. Right" isn't going to be a problem either! Certainly won't be any issue should marriage become a serious concept over WHO gets to wear the wedding dress!

I don't know if it is the effect of the shift in hormone balance in my system, or just finally being fully and completely "out of the closet", but I can certainly understand where Carol is coming from. One of these days, yes, I'd LOVE to find myself on my back, legs in the air panting and well you get the general idea!

Newest version

Wednesday, January 19, 2005

Now she's gone and done it, again!

There are a plethora of symbols out there for just about everything, and some very talented woman have come up with others that I really like, but I'm against theft of others creativity. So, I've come up with something that is to my knowledge uniquely my own, something that really speaks to me, and will to anyone else who understands my journey a bit. Women who are going down the same path, or who have been there will understand this symbol perfectly!

In other news, while checking out how things are measured and why, I found that even with my fairly low doses of estrogen I'm having some breast development! So this evening I went a bought a couple of bras to get started with, one small step for a woman, but a great one.

Tuesday, January 18, 2005

I'm Transsexual and I'm Proud!

I'm Transsexual and I'm Proud!
So I'm really finding myself in an interesting position. I'm fond of rules and regulations within certain limitations, but never thought I'd find myself so at odds with things that I'd really see the point. Okay so I'm babbling, here is were I am;The standards of care say that I have to be ready to check out before I'd continue life as I have for 34 years. I've been on my journey for some time now, and until recently I had not considered things to be so bad a great change would be required. Now on however I cannot see why I should or need to continue such a rediculous sharade.I've been doing so much reading, following journey, trials, tribulations and victories of Sisters, and have come to reconsider much of my thinking. Yes, there is unquestionably work in front of me regardless of where and how I take my life, but there is no reason I should cave and take a path of continued suffering and unhappiness.I'm honored to find myself in the company of some of the most amazing women in the world. Women who in spite of outrageous odds and presures have struggled to bring thier dreams to reality. Women who represent the true beauty, grace and very essence of what it means to BE a woman. Women who have showed me, by sharing thier journeys with me, that the light at the end of the tunnel can be whatever you make of it.So in the spirit in which it was intended I "stand" before all assembled and proclaim:

Dr. Becky, you are an amazing woman and you stand next to many others I've come to consider Sisters. In Dr. Becky uses some wonderful images to bring home a subtle but amazing point. I have spent 34 years that I can directly recall living a lie that was, is, making my life a huge mess. Why in the name of God and Goddess would I want to step into living another, different lie? Why would I want to invest so much time, effort, energy and my life into fixing one lie only to then burry myself in another.
More to follow of course, for the moment however I'm pleased to report I'm laying down plans for transition and will one day reach a level of completness I have only dreamt of till now. I am a Woman, and one day such will be plainly obvious to anyone who looks at me. I will also still be a transsexual Woman. Someone who has invested in her own life in so significant fashion as to be beyond reproach. Humanity can learn from us, people can learn from us, after all we learn from each other.
I owe lovely Women both known and less known a huge debt of gratitude, my very life even for helping me find the strength and temerity to hold my head up and shout out:

Saturday, January 08, 2005

So many things I'm NOT going to miss about "outdoor" plumbing . . .

I've had "outdoor" plumbing now for longer than I ever really wanted it, and it quite honestly gets in the way of everything. Sitting, standing, lying, walking, biking doesn't matter what I'm doing, this extra equipment is in the way of everything.

The design of what I'm going to wind up with is greatly more efficient. Nothing to squish, pinch, or otherwise adjust no matter what I'm doing.

Suddenly things become so much more clear . . .

I figured out this morning much to my genuine surprise that 43 some odd years ago, right before she was married, my Mother-in-law was raped. Someone she'd allowed to get too close thinking she could "control" them took advantage of her either emotionally, physically or both. This had many of the usual effects seen in most rape victims, myself included, but for her included a psychotic break and a freeze of her world view. She's thus trapped in that part of her life, judging everything and everyone against that now long since gone "map" of values. She'd also tightened her CONTROL of the universe around her to the current pathologically unsound levels that are slowly destroying her family.

This all explains fundamentally EVERYTHING that has gone on up to this point, and makes as much sense as anything else.

Thursday, January 06, 2005

To paraphrase someone I know . . .

Hit 'em with a rock, take the rock home!

There are just SOME people who make me wish periodically such things were okay. Texas for example "approves" of killings in the interest of the greater good. A cup or two of chlorine in the gene pool every now and then is a good thing! In Texas, if you can prove that someone really needed killing, you can (and people have) quite litterally get away with murder!

Wow, what a concept eh?

So I've been missing now for a while because, well life happens. Christmas, Yule, Channuka, all came and went pretty quietly, and then 2005 steamed in. Mellow and sublime, the high point of my very first day of the new year was getting dressed, couifed, putting on some pretty bad makeup and heading out to a meeting (my first ever) of the local chapter of Transgender Renasiance. Went over to the Washington Crossing, NJ chapter and met a bunch of lovely women, sat around and talked for several hours and was made very welcome by one and all!

Assuming I'm still in New Jersey come next month, I'll head back over there again.

In the meantime, the madness and mayhem with Earl continues, after agreeing months ago to pay to have his stuff moved into a storage facility he has yet to pay the bills. So here I've gone and laid out money I didn't have in the first place to do all this, and now he expects to know where his stuff is? Frell that I say! I'll take all his stuff out of storage and give it away before I allow him to further use and abuse me!

Okay, so now I'm sounding like a bitter old shrew, but I mean really?!? What does a decent person have to do around here to get some respect and common decency?