Thursday, March 02, 2006


I'm still youn enough to appreciate the time I have left before me, and old enough to understand the gift I've been given. I really know what's important now, what's most meaningful about life, what's most important. This world will eat me up and finish the job Earl starte if I try to go back to anything like what I was doing. PTSD, GAD, Depression are all warnings to change, grow, heal and finally live a real, healthy life that I can look back upon and not see constant, painful loss, death and destruction.

My heart, mind, soul and health are important, my happiness is vitl to my health. Not optional, not secondary, not something that would be nice if I can get it. Something that makes the hard work, the pain worht it. My happiness is vital, job one and everything to me. If I, when I, have healed enough that I begin to consider sharing my life WITH someone, my happiness needs to be as important to them as it is to me. Their happness also has to be as important to them as mine is to me.

Never again will I get sucked into believing that eventually all the hard work will be worth it. No longer will I see the goal, the "pay off" to be worth all the hard work and sacrifice. My life, my health depends on happiness, the journey IS my life and my happiness. Never again will I bee foolish enough to focus all my energy, all my strength on the prize. I need to enjoy a bit of each day, draw peace, health, light and happiness to my life. It has been said time and again that you take nothing with you when you go, that passing from this wolrd is the great equalizer. I know better and while true that nothing physical goes with you, ite not the material that is important.

Health, happiness, how one feels overall about life is that remains. I know this to be true, deep in my hesrt of hearts, in my soul I know this. There will be days along the road that leave much to be desired, darkness, pain, and loss but as my Mother told me time and again, the darkness is required for contrast. I've had plenty of darkness, pain and dischord. Never again will I allow someone to drag me into the darkness to live there hpoing for some sun, light and happiness at journey's end.