Wednesday, October 25, 2006

Passing days, and memories. . .

Earl was a bastard, there is no nice way to say it, he was controlling, abusive, cruel and so much more. He was exactly the same man I married nine years ago today. On our wedding day he was more than just rude and an obnoxious jerk to my sister and a friend, he was violent and abusive.

He was also, for better or worse, richer or poorer, in sickness and in health, my husband and I failed him and myself.

His illnesses took him from us, from me, long before his death April 10th of 2006. Gender Dysphoria, A co-dependant, abusive relationship with his parents, diabetes, kidney failure due to high blood pressure, which was due to the stress on his heart and soul of living so profound a lie.

I've "learned" to hate him over time, to "see" how this wasn't my fault, why I shouldn't feel ashamed and a waste of life. But you see this is the crux of the problem, feelings don't always make sense. I spent the better part of my adult life controlling, or trying to, my FEELINGS to the point that it nearly took my life too! I've "learned" that I did what I must to survive, to live, to "protect and serve" my own life. To for once, nurture my own heart, mind, body and soul, allowing myself to be first for a change.

It still isn't easy. I still LOVE that man who was so bad for me, to me, that I am damaged. Well past a "Christmas cake" I'm the old woman down the lane no-one knows and no-one misses. I hurt, so much, and so deep, that I worry I'll never be able to love again. I'm damaged so badly that sleep without tranquilizers and sleeping pills is just a rumor, something other people do, and the thought of allowing anyone too close to me makes my already cold blood freeze solid with terror.

The days pass, and endless stream of tomorrows to muddy with the pain of my heart and soul. The memories however seem to go on forever. All at once I hate this man who violated me, took my heart, mind, body and soul from me and made me unclean, and yet. If he were to walk through the door right now I'd probably go back to waiting on him hand and foot, taking his violence and abuse as if it were my penance for having sinned so badly in my last life.

Today would have been nine years . . . Nine years of violence and pain I am trying so hard to escape. Nine years of betrayal and death of dreams, nine years since I gave this man my heart, mind, body, soul and innocence. I hate him, I love him, and I feel every bit like a drug or alcohol addict must.

She was born with her mother’s habit,
You could say it’s in her blood,
She hates that she’s got to have it,
As she fills her glass up,

She’d love to kill that bottle,
But all she can think about,
Is a better life, a second chance,
And everyone she’s letting down,
She throws that bottle down,

One day, I hope, I pray, I will be that woman. I will throw down the bottle of pain and memory that poisons me.

Don’t give up hope,
Some people change,
Against all odds,
Against the grain,
Love finds a way,
Some people change.

Thank God for those who make it,
Let them be the light,

I pray one day I will be one of these people, that I'll have changed enough to allow Love back into my heart and life, that I'll be able to let someone close to me, to touch me, to hold me, to love me without recoiling in fear and terror.

The days continue to march on, and I'm still here. Slowly growing, changing, healing, and praying for more miracles in my life. The memories however remain, haunt me, taunt me, threatening to tear down what is left of me.

I just cannot give up hope, it is all that sustains me some times . . . Now however I need some Chocolate and some sleep . . .

Today would have been, was nine years . . . I miss him, I miss us, I morn for what might have been, and children thankfully un-born. I morn life . . .

Tuesday, October 24, 2006

Oh my, what a day . . .

So I got up and out of the hotel this morning right around the time that I should have been checking out anyway and got an early start on what should have been, and was, a short day! I was on I70 highway before noon, and made good time to the CO line. My goal was the Front Range, and Denver, before sunset! Made good time, by just shy of 15:00 mountain I was crossing the line into Colorado. When I was just west of Limon I could see Pikes Peak, small and in the distance, but I knew I was getting closer! About a hundred miles out I could see the mountains, my mountains, small and in the distance but growing with each passed mile.

The tears welled up in my eyes and threatened to choke off my throat, I could only sit there crying, driving and saying 'mou, mou, mou, mou, mou, mou' for something like 25 or 30 miles. Had anyone been in the car with me they'd have had me locked up I 'spect. No matter! I was almost home, almost 'safe' back in the loving embrace of those magestic peaks. Several phone calls, and a few rest stops later I was looking at the Denver skyline, and beyond it the first hints of a sunset in the mountains. A full decade since my last, I just drank in the beauty of it all. I watched every lovely second of sunset over the Rockies, taking my time making the last miles to my sisters house last.

It was in fact nearly dark by the time I pulled into the neighborhood to see my sister standing there waiting for me, talking to me on the phone while I drove up. She sure was a sight for sore eye's, and especially mine. Last time we'd been in the same State, let alone the same room, was more than a year ago. I was home . . .

Monday, October 23, 2006

Sempre Avanti!

Ever forward! I left Cincinatti behind me and continued on my way west today. The weekend with Mark and Val was really cool. We spent a whole bunch of time talking, and just hanging out. Had Lunch Saturday at a wonderful little hilltop spot called City Tavern. Out on the balcony with a view of the river and much of downtown Cincinatti laid out before us, we had some great burgers, a bit of liquid and plenty of good conversation.

From there we wandered down to the Kentucky side of the river. We walked along the river, and then stuck our heads into Hooters of all places. Mark and Val split a pitcher of draft, and I got a pitcher of Sangria, and we all shared several orders of fried pickles. Now I like pickles, and be they cold, cooked into a japanese stir fry, or whatever, I really enjoy them. Lightly batter dipped and fried up like tempura however was a whole new experience and I really, really, enjoyed them! Sometimes you just have to say the heck with the diet, and today was certainly one of them!

Sunday we went over to Donatto's Pizza for link, where they make the most wonderful, fresh French Bread pizza! I'm talking real, honest to goodness bread dough, they load up with your choices of toppings and then put into a pizza oven! Very cool and not the most expensive stuff in the world. I mean for "fast food" this is worth eating and filling.

More just hanging out and talking which seemed to be the theme for the visit and then Mark had to head back up to his house for work at "oh dark ick" in the morning. I stayed at Val's sunday and we wound up up talking until late while Val made cookies. White and regular chocolate chip cookies and tea set off the day nicely.

Morning came, as it does, too soon and I got myself ready for the next legs of my drive. Coolest thing happened as we wer walking out of the house, it started to flurry! First snow flakes of the season to user me west, I was one happy girl as I drove out to the highway and headed west.

So I made a new friend, since Val is perfectly awesome, and reconnected with a dear old one who'd not seen me since the bulk of my changes. From my perspective, everything went well, and I had a great deal of fun. Mark and Val are still talking to me, so I don't think it went all that bad!

I made it as far as Salina Kansas, which is more than halfway, and puts me in great shape to get to Denver tomorrow. I stopped for the night, well really the morning, in the Day's in right off of I70 in Salina. The service was excellent, the room quiet and clean, and the sleep MUCH better than in the days of my youth when I might have slept in the car in a rest stop. More to follow . . .

Friday, October 20, 2006

Leaving, no plane involved . . .

So today I took the first major step to my new life, and home. It was a huge one, and the day lasted far longer than I'd imagined. My goal was 620 some odd miles to reach Cincinnati, OH where I was to have a few days of layover on my way west. Traffic and road construction turned what should have been a 10 hour drive into a fourteen hour drive. Seriously NOT fun driving wise, but some of the scenery through Penn state was amazing! Lush, lovely, color saturated Penn farm land!

It was dark by the time I reached Ohio, and then one thirty in the morning when I got to Cincinnatti. My friend and former roommate Mark and his new love were waiting for me, with Val's three lovely dogs and two cats. Three dogs who normally bark at everyone, didn't even make a peep when I showed up. Mark, Val and I stayed up until very, very early in the morning talking, connecting and reconnecting.

Finally at five in the morning I took my night time pills and drifted off to sleep.

Monday, October 02, 2006

Lit from within . . .

So I'm finished in the Ladies room tonight, and washing up and I couldn't help but smile. So many years I saw someone in the mirror I didn't know how to be, and the pain was always there. Mirrors, like cameras I avoided like the mythical Vampire eschews the sun [cause we all know real ones are sensitive, but don't instantly turn to dust right? ;-o) j/k] and doesn't have a reflection.

Now, I see a woman with a past, but who's heart, mind, body and soul are pretty together, or congruent! Such a simple thing that just takes my breath away. I'm not perfect, but I never wanted perfection, just some peace, and a face looking back at me that matched who I am. I see me now, anytime I look, and I actually like who I see. I have this glow, happiness, even a level of peace I never thought possible. I'm told it isn't going to go away anytime soon, and that's just fine by me.

I was also struck be how alien the thought of a men's room was to me. Why you might wonder was I even thinking of the men's room? Well I noticed in the stall in the ladies room that the door lock had a black line on it, and when closed, it pointed to a similar black mark on the door. I didn't remember seeing that in the men's room when I was still using them at this one building, and for a split second I thought "hey, maybe I should stick my head in and look . . ." and it hit me. There was NO WAY I was going into a Men's room!!! Ewwww, gross!!!

I don't know when or how it happened, but now, not only does the Ladies room feel normal, natural and comfortable but the men's room just felt completely alien. Wasn't any concious decision, or even any point I can look back on and say, Ah, ha! Nope, just happened when I wasn't thinking about it or paying any attention.

So, there is this new level of existence I have now that I never had before. I'm so much more comfortable in my own life than I ever was. I have this sense of self, of comfort, that I've never had, never dreamt of having. With it comes this glow I cannot explain, but really don't want to look into, it is just so much easier to revel in it and enjoy my life. This glow, sense of self, of happiness and comfort is not something I can hide, nor do I want wish to for any reason.

That deep down aching empty hole in my soul has been replaced with light, warmth and life! So I'm a woman lit from with in! The lights are on, there is a fire in the hearth and I'm home and it shows.