Wow! What a difference a day makes

So I'm working on cleaning out the car for a change, so that later I can load it up with stuff to move and decided it time for a break. Which of course is when I looked at the clock. Based on recent experience I figured it was getting toward the end of the day.

Yeah, right, if I was a banker maybe...

...turns out it wasn't even two yet...

...it's what I get for being up so early! So much more daylight to play with this getting up before 14:00! I've already made hotel reservations for tomorrow and I'm somewhat amazed at how the day is going. Jeeze, I must sond pathetic! Time for a nap or lunch or something...

Going to be leaving this place behind me son enough!

Another few days and this place I've called "home" these past three years will no longer be mine. I'm actually kinda happy about that to be sure, but oh, parting can indeed, be such sweet sorrow. I've grown here, become somehow stronger in the face of some serious violence, and a co-dependent, abusive, roommate who happens to be a drug abusing pschotic, anti-social, control freak. Now I'm looking forward to getting out of here and on with a better, newer healthier life. That's my hope at least, and one I'm going to work hard on making for myself a step at a time.

Sleep patterns and spoons...

So I've been using lots of spoons of late trying to adjust my sleep pattern toward something more normal. Today is something of an early payoff. It's not even ten as I write this (09:55) and I've been to HomeDepot, Burger King, and Walgreens!

Better to light a single candle...

...or is it? What if sitting cursing the dark was the easier, less painful way of a dealing with a simply horrific life? How about knowing you could sit being miserable in the dark for the rest of eternity as penance for crimes against yourself you didn't commit?

What if the unknown of taking a single step by the light of a lone candle was potentially far more horrific than all that you've already lived through? What do you then do? You find, even create and defend your own brokeness!

More to follow...

Okay, if this isn't really easy!

I really don't know how or what is then. This isn't technology gone mad as much as expression and self publish made really easy! This is a picture of a famous mantra;

Om mani padme hum!

Seriuosly, this is what it looks like hanging on the wall next to my bed So I know for sure I can do the picture a day right from my phone... AAaaaa mazzzz ing!

Mobile blogging made easy!

Wow, if this isn't technology gone mad! I can type a mail into my "smartphone" and send it directly to my blog. Including pictures if I'm of a mind to that is...

So this will be short, though it bodes well for my sisters thought of a picture blog in the near future... Well, this will be a short test of the concept.

ENDA the road for Joe!

I'm not going to get into the whole mess of politics, money, people and emotion. I've held my tongue on the subject for a while hoping and praying the HRC would catch a clue, or someone would hit them with a cluebyfour. Seems that isn't likely anytime soon, which frankly is bad for everyone. So, I'm going to say one thing on the subject;

And that's all I'm going to say about that!

The Spoon Theory

So, there are days, and then there are days. Some are diamonds, others are stones. There are times, when the hard times, and people won't leave you alone. Living with any kind of chronic illness is, how shall I say, less than fun maybe?

Christine Miserandino is, unfortunately, someone who understands way, way to well what it's all about. She wrote the Spoon Theory and I think everyone, regardless of their condition, health, whatever should read her wonderful piece and find in themselves some understanding. Compassion, sympathy, empathy are, or should be, family values. More of those, and a bit slower pace in life are important and frankly vital to all people, regardless of health, all over the world.

I took my health for granted for so many years, pushed myself faster and further than anyone of either gender, just to try and find acceptance, understanding, a bit of validation and love. What I took too long to find were these values, these feelings, in myself. Now that I have, maybe I'll lucky enough to find someone else in my life to share it, and myself with. I've also figured out that I must separate myself from the overly fast pace of life. Too much for too long, and so I'm running with limitations I never had before, and have to take these into account. Yeah, I may not always look sick, but appearances can be, and usually are quite deceiving.

I did the whole dramatically unbalanced thing for way, way too long, spread myself so thin that I crashed and burned. I've become close friends with a hot water bottles, anti-depressants, heating pads, and the limitations and impact that all of this has on my life. I live each day wanting to do so much more than I can now. I am, for the first time ever focused on my own health, my own life. Day by day, spoon by spoon, I'm working on healing and growth and this for me is a fulltime career.

Strange having a job that involves dealing with my own needs and health. From making over a 100K a year, to being on disability and having to work within my limitations on growth. Not fun, but what I've learned, am learning, is amazing and scary all at once. What it says about the world in which we live, and try to survive, is even more astonishing.

So, for the moment, take a look at the Spoon Theory, you'll be glad you did.

Remember who? Why? How would anyone know?

Okay, I'm a bit annoyed. More than annoyed. Novemeber 20th is supposed to be the Day Of Rememberance, the GBLT Day Of Remembrance.

GBLT people all over the country coming together, honoring people who have been lost, not forgetting what has happened before. Great idea, wonderful idea, one I fully suport in everyway I can. Every year that I've known about it I've gone.

Except this year.

Why? Because I couldn't find a DOR event I could get to. I searched for weeks, and then, found an event couple of towns over from mine. Great, I finally figured out when and where it...

...was! Three days before.

ENDA died a terrible death because of a lack of knowledge, education and community. Communications is the cornerstone of all three of the above concepts, and the community just doesn't have any going on. Publishing days and locations AFTER they have already happened is like Joe Solomese going on for years about how only an inclusive ENDA will be supported. The SECOND the knucklheads inside the beltway decided to throw a curve, Joe and the HRC Political Action Committe sold out anyone who's gender wasn't perfectly binary and basically told everyone that in the grand scheme of political grand standing, everyone was expendable. So much for an inclusive bill...

Thanks Joe and the HRC. Thanks for telling me I'm unimportant compared to your own political agenda!

The Value of understanding

Sometimes in life, people can run into a lack of understanding and tolerance. People grow, change, and heal from things we experience over time. Surviving Domestic Violence is one of these things and when one changes as part of healing, not everyone accepts these changes. It's unfortunate, but while finding our way, people at times get lost in the shuffle.

I've been growing, healing and moving forward with something like life, and now some people aren't terribly happy. What makes it so much harder people expect they can go right on treating me the way they always have. Somehow they figure that I'm just going to go right on taking the same old crap I always have because for years I never stood up for myself. Now, I'm standing up for myself, they're not having it one bit and I'm public enemy number one. Complete crap, that's what it is I tell you, complete crap!

So, while I didn't lose any friends or family because some changes I've made in my life, I am because I'm no longer willing to be a punching bag. Sucks to be them I guess!

People claim they understand what I've been through, what I'm going through, and then they turn around and show me they have no fraking clue. I just wish sometimes I could hit them with a clue-by-four, but I know that won't help.

Like explaining color one blind from birth, when someone lacks any true frame of reference you can talk until you're blue in the face but it just doesn't help. I try to be patient, really I do, but over time this gets really old. Faced again with the same old question of how much is friendship worth, I find myself knowing when enough, is exactly that. So, I lose a friend, someone I've known for over a decade, because they are too self involved to see that the very things they complained about with my late husband, are some of the same things they are doing.

Try and talk about it? Yeah, great idea. The very same people I used to be able to talk to about anything, I can't discuss anything with. Again, color, blind people. And so I go on . . .