Monday, August 09, 2010

I am not amused . . .

Exercise my doctors have all said will cure all that ills me.  Lower my blood pressure, reduce depression, help with my weight problems, Insomnia, Anxiety and so forth.  So, I invested in Serenity and myself.  I'm not exactly being a slacker about this having ridden over 500 miles on a bike since March 27th.  New meds to help improve my sleep, pretty decent diet, LOTS of exercise and nothing.

Still not sleeping well, the meds that once knocked my on my but now hardly work at all.  In the past I once lost 80 pounds in six months by walking  two or three miles every other day and eating right.  It's five months of some serious exercise and I have maybe lost 10 pounds?

I'm most certainly not sleeping any better, not sure if I'm really losing weight, and still fighting with everything else. And despite the clinical fact that exercise and meditation will noticeably lower BP, and that I can and have put myself into a deep state of meditation that lowers my respiration, heart rate and drops my BP about 20 points or more at the time, it stays stubbornly high.  As to diet, I proved to the doctor that I couldn't eat any less by giving myself a mild case of malnutrition that showed up on blood tests.  So THAT's not really a huge issue.

And yes, I'm just ranting some of my frustration here.  I don't know that there is so much a major point to this as my realization I've not posted in a while and thought I should say something.  I have other things bumping around in my head and heart looking for something to connect to, but nothing I can put to words yet.  So I'll get there I imagine eventually.


Caroline said...

Weight is one thing but like me you have probably had a change of fat to muscle ratio, me one way as I start my hrt and you the other as you build " heavy, dense" muscle. Do you look and feel different?

Wee used to have occasional tv programmes under the title "Fat man on a bicycle", all the cycling did little to change him into thin man on a bicycle. Our bodies are too darn clever at changing food into energy or fat.

This is a long term project and I think you are going the right way, hang in there and enjoy.

Véro B said...

You are definitely not being a slacker! Dunno what to say about not getting the results you expect though. I think Caroline is right that you're still on the right track. Hope you can get the sleep thing solved!

Samantha Shanti said...

Well I'm more frustrated at the sleep issue, okay, more than frustrated, it's starting to push on the depression. And that's not healthy. Plus there is the medical fact now given the amount of exercise and fuel I'm not taking in, and the BP to name a few, that I unquestionably have a medical condition that I'm getting the feeling they (doctors) are not only not taking seriously, but are not even capable of taking seriously. Or that if and when they do start taking it seriously, I'm not going to be able to afford the treatment(s) for. Which makes the anxiety worse, which makes the depression worse, which makes the insomnia worse, which makes the weight worse, which makes the condition worse... Vicious cycle. Very vicious cycle!

And of course this does very little to help with the PTSD, one of the primary triggers for is that people who are supposed to be helping me cannot or will not for whatever stupid reasons. It's the whole the world wants way, way more out of me than it's ever going to give back. Mind it's not about score for me, but balance. And eternally wanting a balance that seems never to be in the offing is more than just unfraking fair, but cruel and unusual punishment for something I didn't do.

I've always been the good girl, the quite girl, the girl next door who WANTS (wanted) children, a family, a house, a home, just a bit of love, stability, and who has never been afraid of hard work or doing her share because it was the right thing to do.

As Laura is wont to say, all this is pushing against my pain body and it's going "YEAH BABY, HURT ME SOME MORE!!!"