...you have missed seeing.
It's an old Zen Koan I'm fond of, and fairly well sums up my day yesterday.
On the face of it I spent the day loafing around drinking wine with family. Specifically my brother, my namesake and sister-in-law. Mark called me up early yesterday and said "Hey, wanna come down to the marina and hang on with me and Sam today?"
I couldn't see a single reason not to, so I threw on some clothes and off I went.
Wasn't a going out on the river sightseeing kind of day, the weather had promised to be flaky and no sooner than I'd made it over to the marina, the sky's opened up and let loose with a serious amount of rain, as well as a light show and concert of epic proportions.
To his credit, my namesake was simply awesome with it. Eight months old and thunder and lightening don't bother him at all.
We, I, had a wonderful time! We're sitting there in the slip, drinking lightly, listening to music, checking out Mark's boat, and of course playing with my namesake. It was the first time since he got it that I'd been down to see the boat. Thirty plus feet of cabin cruiser made for the big river all tricked out the way Mark likes things. Hasn't named her yet, but she is yar!
The day was blissful for me. I love thunder, lightening, getting wet, and relaxing. Had just enough wine to leave me ever so slightly relaxed and slightly tipsy, in fact Mark was stunned. He'd never, ever, seen me loosen up close to that much, and was glad I felt safe enough, and comfortable enough doing so. In the past I used to be the designated drinker when we'd go out drinking and hanging out. Used to be I could drink anything living or dead under the table and still pass a blood test. Alcohol of any kind, no matter how mixed, or how much I drank, had no effect on me. Like at all.
Now, two glasses of wine on an empty stomach and I'm not safe to drive (and won't) three on a full stomach and I'm totally relaxed.
So yeah, amazing light show, sitting there in the marina on a boat with no name, just relaxing. Just being. No stress, pressure, nothin! A perfect day!
I was fully there, present, relaxed in a way Mark had never really seen. At one point later in the evening at his house he stopped, got all serious and said:
"You know, you should have done this years ago."
"Yeah, but you know full well I couldn't and why..." I replied "...took courage I didn't know I had to deal with the woogieman, let alone give myself permission to be happy, relaxed and at peace with me."
Even my sister-in-law who never met that "guy" I was supposed to be looked at me and said: "You know I have more and more trouble imagining you were ever that guy of epic proportions Mark told me about. You're just this cool laid back chick that knows how to relax and just be yourself with people. I'd have to imagine this is so much better than being a super hero?"
Oh yeah, so much better!!!
So the only thing I missed seeing was the ghost of the person I used to pretend to be. He's long since just a funny memory now. And I get to relax, let my hair, and my guard down, and just BE!
As I said to Mark when we were sitting there in the Marina: "A friend of mine and her SO were on a boat at one point and long story short they came out with 'Tis a good life, the life at sea! I couldn't help but think of that...
It was a Friday the 13th I'll long remember, simply because it was a perfect day... It also would have been "his" old birthday, but one I don't "celebrate" simply because it was so often so painful to do so. He can keep his old birthday. I'll remember it in some fashion now and again, acknowledge the profound sacrifices he made to keep me alive long enough for me to realize that I have a fundamental right to exist, that being me, being present, being authentic is more important than anything else. He enabled me to see that the single greatest gift I could give to the folks in my life was me. That nothing else I could do for them was near as precious and real as being me. To me, to them, to the universe.
Ah, the life at sea, 'tis a good life! (Thanks Jenny and Grace!)
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