Victimizing the victims - instead of the perpetrators . . .

I am a survivor of Sexual Assault, which in most states in a first degree felony.  My now late husband used power, privilege and money every step of the way to fight from having the light of truth shined on his miserable soul. At every turn he used the courts against me to keep me from having any real closure or protection from his ongoing actions.  Six some odd years ago he died while fighting our divorce. He was found in contempt of court repeatedly for violations of retraining orders, failure to appear and continuing to stalk me. He didn't even get a slap on the wrist.  His death was the only closure I got.  I had to find out about it second hand.  My lawyer who'd been notified by the court that the divorce was dismissed because Earl died didn't bother to contact me. A Friend called to let me know when she heard from one of my husband's friends that he had died.

I've often said rapists and sexual predators should be put to death.  But you know, I'm not completely sure about that anymore, because frankly, Earl got off easy and "escaped" for now, the consequences of his actions.

Regrettably, we live in a rape culture.  Where rapists, and sexual predators are protected while their victims continue to get victimized.

Recently a young woman in Kentucky was sexually assaulted and had pictures of her assault spread to the four winds BY THE two men that committed the assault.  It took a year to get the matter into court, and rather than fighting the charges and getting a real sentence, they made a plea arrangement with the court to get what amounts to a slap on the wrist. Outraged, she tweeted their names and what had happened.

So guess who is likely to wind up in jail? The victim!

Savannah Dietrich, 17-Year-Old Sexual Assault Victim, Faces Charge For Naming Attackers

Once again the victim being victimized instead of the perpetrators.  So I did some digging, and managed to catch more of the information and most importantly, the names and pictures of the two CONVICTED SEX OFFENDERS that attacked Savannah.

First up we have Austin Zehnder of Kentucky:

Austin Zehnder - Convicted Of First Degree Sexual Assault, A Felony.

Don't you just love those eyes? That winning smile? The hardened chiseled features? Ruggedly handsome or lifelong sociopath.  My money is on the later.

Next up we have Will Frey III also of Kentucky:

Will Frey III - Convicted Of First Degree Sexual Assault, A Felony.

Another award winning specimen of humanity here.  These men Sexually Assaulted Savannah in Kentucky and posted PICTURES of the act electronically. They violated a young woman without her consent for their own deviant needs and BRAGGED about it to friends and online.  They were convicted of First Degree Sexual Assault, A FELONY and given a slap on the wrist while Savannah, rightfully upset and violated may go to jail for letting the world know who these men are?  By a FEMALE judge no less.

Once again, Victimizing the victims instead of the perpetrators. Way to go America.  Savannah, we are your sisters and we stand with you.

Calogrenant begins!

My dear friend, brilliant artist, and talented story teller Gillian Cameron of Mythcongeniality has undertaken a new weekly comic set in an around Camelot.  Having been a big fan of anything to do with the old Legend, and or stories based around it, Calogrenant gives us a whole new twist on one of the Knights of King Arthur's round table.  So with great pleasure, I give you the first two pages of this young Knight's adventure.

Now this is what I call progress!

Today, while running errands, I came through an intersection that I'd not really paid attention to in a while.  Or it could be the new glasses giving me a different enough view of the world that I'm seeing more.  Or it could be all the meditation and being instead of doing.  It could be all of the above.

Or it could just be that it's Friday the thirteenth?

Whatever the case may be, I noticed something different about the intersection.  Something changed, new, missing.

Here is the intersection a year ago:

The above image was taken from Google Maps which still shows the Taco Bell Restaurant clearly there. This is from the Galbraith side of the space.  When I moved here in 2008, that's the way the corner looked right up until last year when Taco Bell closed.  When I saw that it had closed I kinda groaned. We all know about urban sprawl.  The obsession with paving over and building on every bit of property till there's nothing natural left. Here's the intersection from the Winton road side:

Today however was a very different story.  The restaurant, parking, blacktop, the blight, was gone and in it's place, grass and trees!  I'm thrilled and amazed.  Progress, in the right direction!  I mean really, planting grass, trees, and shrubs?  Holy Hannah!!!  This is something to cheer about in my book.

Given that my last "profile" picture was taken I think last year - maybe - I decided that a fresh one was in order.  That and of course the fact that I'm now rockin the librarian look, I figured what the heck right?

So as I'm sitting here working away on the computer I thought it was time. To the right, the result. Untouched, unprocessed, and without make-up of any kind is me in natural light. I'm sitting in front of a nice large window that looks out over sky and trees.  So the light was good for a shot.  On the wall, boring stuff like a calendar, a map of the Little Miami Scenic Trail that runs through Ohio, a place I enjoy riding now and then, and a reminder for workouts.  Namely that if you can sing while working out, you're not working hard enough.  Something a friend told me when I was giving thought to upgrading my heart rate monitor.  So there you have it. Short post, new picture, and a smile.

Lucid Dreaming meets Quantum Jumping . . .

So if you go snuffling about on the web you can find all sorts of bits and pieces on the concepts of both Lucid Dreaming and Quantum Jumping.  I will let you chose to chase those down if you are of a mind and just close over what they are.

Lucid dreaming in short is the ability to direct dreams. Instead of being an observer taken by the dream where your subconcious mind would take you, one is an active participant, and is offered the chance to go in dream space where you wish.

Quantum Jumping simply put is quite literally surfing the multiverse for other nows, thens, and whens.  Everything that possibly can exist, does exist, somewhere and time is just an illusion.

Often I have dreams that are either Lucid in nature, or Quantum in nature, last night was the first time the two meshed quite unexpectedly and seamlessly.

I found myself standing next to Jumper One, in the parking lot of Catherine's Confections in Great Barrington Massachusetts.  A place I know and love, but do not often get to, especially these days when I'm over a thousand miles from there.  In any case, I'm standing there, the day is wonderful and I don't have a bag with me.  I could either go in, get some of their fudge, or head on out to other places.  In fact I realized I was stopping there as I was taking the back way to Stockbridge to go hunting for a church that I'm not sure I've lost. That's a topic for another post.  So in any case, I of course chose to go inside to get some fudge.

What happened next was fascinating to say the least.

My sister P, who passed from this world into the next four years ago looked up from behind the counter, smiled and said "Hey Sis" as she was helping another customer.  A flood of memories opened themselves to me and I remembered that in this part of time space, her life, and mine, had gone very differently and she was obviously still alive.  "D" she hollered over her shoulder "Customer" and said I'll be with you in a bit.

So this really good looking guy walks out of the back room, gives me a smile I'd know anywhere, and says "Can I help you Ms?"  The stunned look on my face wasn't missed by my sister who gave me a wink and a smile as she finished ringing up her customer.

Looking around for Alan Funt, or one of those "I get that all the time" cameras I stammered "Dillon McDermot, as I live and breath, what are YOU doing here?"

Shock, then a blank look on his face, then a "Yes I am, how did you know my name? I'm new here, P just hired me."

My sister also surprised said "Dillon, I'd like you to meet my sister Sam, but I guess you two already know each other?"

Looking at both of them I manage "This is a joke right?" Then it hits me, no, no joke, my sister is still alive so anything is possible and I'm somewhere else.  Here he's not the famous actor, here he's not known to some as the guy that managed to do a respectable job of following in Jimmy Stewart's shoes.  Here he's just a guy working at a Confectionery.  I pause for dramatic effect, decide to share some of what his life became somewhere else.  He looks at me like I'm crazy and says "What the hell am I doing here then? Are you kidding me? How can this be possible if I'm working here and hardly anyone knows me?" Then as an aside to my sister "Sorry P, it's nothing personal, I appreciate the job, but I've always wondered what my life could be if I wasn't so ... normal?"

She looks at Dillon and says "D, my sister is special, she's always known things and sometimes she shares. Life could be very different in other places and times and she can see them all. Years ago, she saw what life could be, warned us, told our family what was going to happen. If I, we'd not listened, I'd be four years dead now.  You're looking at a woman that died four years ago somewhere else. I'd be lying if I said I understood it, but my sister is like my Mom, some kind of magical being or something.  I learned years ago to just roll with it. Maybe you two should talk more, see what she can tell you about you somewhere else. Maybe you could get out of here, have a different life. It's all up to you. But I know if that my sister knows you, and shares things that may seem incredible, you might want to listen.  For now, she's my sister and we're going to have some lunch."

It was great day. It was cool seeing P healthy, happy and living a life she wouldn't have otherwise ever had. Possibly the best part from my perspective is we'd stayed best of friends, the trauma and pain of our lives never cost us our relationship, or her - both of us - our lives.  It was kinda cool. After lunch with my sister I had lunch (again) with Dillon and I encouraged him to take charge of his life. Rekindle his dream of acting. It was really nice. Got to spread the hope around some. Even shared with him the hit series he stared in, what it was about, some highlights, the whole nine yards.

Dreams teach, but they also give us the chance to spread our wings and fly.  Typically in Quantum Jumping, one finds out about their own life and how they can make it better, different.  They get to share information about themselves.  In this one, I was all at once me, and the alternate me that I'd been, was being in that part of time and space. I decided to stay a few days in town with my sister, it was time well spent.

Two very different experiences...

Today I went for my second eye exam this year. Mainly because it was required and free, and because to be honest I had issues with the last one.

So let's take a short trip in the way back machine here shall we?

In the first week of March I went for an eye exam at Lenscrafters.  Mainly because that's where I've always gone over the years.  The difference this time of course was the fact that I really needed to go because even I could tell my eyes weren't what they once were.  In fact for me they were a dramatic change from what they used to be.  Six years ago I had better than perfect eyes, and could see things at much greater distances than say the average person with 20/20 vision.  That was then, this is now.

My exam at Lenscrafters honestly felt rushed.  And while they did indeed have a pair of glasses ready in about an hour, and they did make a marked difference in what I could see, they weren't quite there.  I'd gone in because my right eye was much changed, and frankly made driving uncomfortable.  Thus my decision to have them checked.  The rushed exam, and the single vision plain glasses that were better than my eyes, but still cost a small fortune and didn't have things like Transitions lenses, or nonglare/nonreflective coating, mainly because I couldn't afford them.

This left me doing research into where else one could get glasses that didn't require taking out a loan. Especially given that the ones I got from Lenscrafters were on special just plain, that a single pair with the options I needed would be over $600.  That's just crazy!

So I found my way to America's Best the home of two pair of glasses for $70 dollars if I just wanted plain glasses, and that includes an eye exam free.  Today I went in for my exam and to pick out frames.

Before I go further, it's also important for me to mention that men terrify me. Perhaps not as much as spiders or clowns, but I'd say they are still in the top five. In fact being that most clowns are guys, and often vice versa, I'd say they were tied.  I'm sorry, that's just how I feel.  Now the guy at Lenscrafters was cute, friendly and well behaved. But I felt rushed, and him calling out numbers and flipping settings on the machine like it was a race didn't much help.

Today was very different. A male tech by the name of Mike got some of the preliminaries out of the way, and then he had me sit in the big chair and wait for the doctor.  In comes Adrienne. Nice grey slacks, beautiful blouse, great shoes. Very well put together, looking calm, cool and professional.  She was great, listened to my concerns, my experience with Lenscrafters, and really gave me an eye exam.  Did a bunch of things the guy at Lenscrafters didn't do, confirmed that yes, the prescription from Lenscrafters would have helped, but not as much as it could, and additionally checked things that they didn't over at Lensecrafters, like for astigmatism, and that my eyes needed prism lenses, because they point inward toward each other.  Took a bunch longer, and she said that for whatever reasons she couldn't get the right one corrected as well as the left, and had no idea why. Which is not to say that the correction we did settle on wasn't much better, because it was.  I then went and picked out two pair of frames.  One a pair that would go with anything, they didn't have a midnight blue, so I went with black metal, the others are much more expressive and fun.  They are a bright pair that's a cross between purple and electric hot pink.  Really lovely. So me.  I mean I have clothes these are going to go well with, and accessorize the color scheme of my bike quite well.  In fact, come to think of it, they are about the same color as the accents on my bike frame.

With full coatings, including Transitions lenses, non glare, uv, extra scratch resistant, and a one year warranty for full replacement and the extra 15 dollars for eye health exam, all total 300 dollars instead of the 200 I paid for the basic bottom of the line pair at Lenscrafters on 50% sale.  Since I returned the Lenscrafters ones, that 200 went to the two pair I got today.  They don't do them in house in an hour, so I have to wait seven days for them to come in, but hey, that's okay by me.

So Lenscrafters was rushed and didn't quite do me any favors while costing me 245 some odd dollars including the exam that was rushed.  America's Best, was a much better eye exam that looked for things and took steps to find the right correction for me that was really going to work. And I left with two pair of glasses that will really work, and let me ride, automatically adjusting for light and the glare of on coming head lights, and corrects the astigmatism.  I quite approve!

Women of a certain age . . .

. . . have to deal with changes.  It's a study in in impermanence, this whole ageing thing, really it is.  Over the last year or so I've noticed that my once perfect, no, better than perfect, eyesight has moved toward the average for my age?  It's particularly noticeable when cycling and driving. For the most part it's only really my non-dominant eye, and it's not significant, but enough to be annoying.

So in March, after not having had an eye exam in six years, I went to Lenscrafters figuring I knew them and had always had my eyes checked there.  Plus six years ago I dropped a big chunk of money on nonprescription sunglasses there.  You know, scratch resistant, non glare, uv coated, transition lenses in a nice Ray Ban metal frame.  So I thought if I was going to need a prescription, that I'd be able to get new lenses for the frames I already had.

Had the eye exam done, and no big shock, my right eye needed correction just as I thought, the slight surprise was that my left eye could do with a very minor bit of correction too.  So, that done I set about having new glasses made.  After a song and a dance about how they couldn't really do anything with my existing frames I had to pick new ones.  Strike one right there.  I got measured, fitted, found nice frames that brought out my green eyes, and then got the price tag.  One pair of glasses again was going to be several hundreds of dollars with the non glare, uv, scratch resistant, transition lenses.  Damn!!! And that was with a 50% off sale that was going to be ending shortly. If I waited until I could afford the options I wanted, the sale would have been over and the price would have been close to seven hundred dollars for one pair of glasses.  Double damn, so I settled on plain lenses in the frames and figured I'd have to get some clip on sunglasses for them or something like that. Strike TWO!!!

An hour and  $245 dollars later I had new glasses. The first pair of corrective lenses I've ever needed. Lovely. $210 for the glasses, $35 for the exam.

Riding and driving were of course different, "better."  Not having transitions lenses a real pain in the tush. Driving at night, quite the pain because of the reflections and glare of oncoming traffic. Sure, I could see "better" but there were some serious issues with just plain lenses. So I started looking at my options, online. You know, doing some serious research as I got used to having and wearing glasses.  I also started to notice that while much improved, my right eye, was still not quite as good as my non corrected left eye. Corrected, my left eye was even better.  So there was a distinct imbalance there that I thought shouldn't be. It became clear through March and April that we'd rushed my eye exam and that my right eye prescription still needed work. Damn! Triple Damn even. Strike THREE!!!

My research last night culminated with finding multiple less expensive options for glasses including a place on line that would give, with a proper prescription, the first pair of glasses free for single vision plain lenses.  FREE!!! For the options I want on the free pair, another $130 dollars.  America's Best, two pair of single vision plain lenses starting at $69 with a free eye exam. So I drove over there today to look at frames and see if I'd be able to find anything I could live with, and to price the option I wanted. To get all everything I want, that I had on the non prescription glasses, a total of $280 dollars. For TWO pair.  WITH a free eye exam.

So today, while still within the 90 day return policy at Lenscrafters, I did just that. Returned the glasses and had the $210 dollars credited back to my account.  Wednesday of next week, I'll head over to America's Best, have another eye exam, and place my order for two new sets of glasses with all the options.  While at America's best today I looked at the selection of frames and found some wonderful looking ones, so that's not a concern. in fact one set of frames I picked out are Amethyst.  Oh such a happy thing.  So I'll get those, and another pair of midnight blue ones, and that way I'll have two pair of glasses, with all the coatings and transitions lenses.  Mind you I don't spend that much time in the sun in general, but I do get some, and the transitions make a big difference. As does the non glare and UV coatings. Especially the non glare, which makes a big difference at night, and one doesn't have to experience distracting reflections from the lenses while doing other things even during the day.

So yeah, as a woman of a certain age that now needs glasses, at least I'm not having to spend almost seven hundred dollars for a single pair that do what I want and need.

It's like coming home ...

P4C-427 Great Room Sketch

Despite there being so much wrong with it, I'm honestly thrilled with this little sketch of mine, because it is recognizably a room I wasn't standing in at the time.  It's part illustration, part "story board" sketch and part getting back into the swing of something that left my life a long, long time ago.  Art. Or I should say something I left behind me that I'm just now welcoming back?

Even more interesting is that this was a huge leap for me, from paper and implements of drawing, to a tablet computer and taking art to a whole new place for me. When last I was near art school, I could "see" in my minds eye, the day when one could just draw directly onto a computer screen like it was paper, and that is exactly what this is.  That day I envisioned more than two decades ago is now as real and present as my keyboard while I type this.  Mind you all those years ago when I "saw" that day in my minds eye?  Folks told me I was crazy.  Whose crazy now I wonder?

For those of whom have never been to this room, while there is everything wrong with this drawing, at the same time it is still recognizably a room, drawn by a human hand. My hand.  It is still clearly a representation of a place, with a sense of space, depth and substance, not just mindless squiggles on paper.  It is clearly something drawn by hand, not painted with a mouse on a screen.

For me, it's new freedom.  For me it's growth, and evolution of a medium without taking away what makes me an artist.  It's just another tool of expression.  That it is all virtual, inside a computer stored as electrons?  That doesn't both me near as much as even I'd have thought, or at all.  In fact, it's a certain amount of additional freedom.  Because I know that should I choose to do so, I could print this onto paper, or velum, or whatever media I can put through a printer.  So I don't need to spend lots of money and room on art supplies I cannot realistically justify right now.

For me, this means despite not having really drawn anything in more than 2 decades, I've not lost the hand or the eye for it.  Sure I'm rusty, but I can still render something I can see in my minds eye into something real, solid, and easy to share with you.  For me, this is a first step back to skills and feelings I'd left so far in my past as to almost having been forgotten.  So this is me, picking up something I'd thought lost to me decades ago.  For me this is exactly like a home coming of sorts.  On more than one level.  This is a room I know well.  A room I've been to many times.  A second home for me, far from the troubles of this tiny little world.

This sketch is of a room I've been to many times.  A safe place, a home, a haven by the sea.  Through the double doors is a balcony and deck that looks out over a sea. Off to the left is a bedroom, my bedroom, with closets and a bathroom, also on the left is a largish open, welcoming kitchen.  To the right, another set of doors out to a larger deck area, and another bedroom and bathroom.  Behind me the front door.  Many an hour I've spent on that deck beyond the doors eating fruit, drinking tea, and watching the sunset into the sea.  This is a place of light, love, warmth and "old world charm" like it might be somewhere on the coast of Italy.

So this is a sketch, drawn by my hand, of a place that feels like, and is, a home.  And being able to once again share with you what my eyes alone have seen?  Well that's a homecoming of a different sort.  I have more than one of my sisters to thank for this post, and the confluence of thought that brings me too it.  But that's for another day me thinks.  For now, this is about home, my home, my heart.  About finding once again something I thought I'd lost.  It's said you can never go home again, but this experience makes me see this is simply not so.  It has been said "home is where the heart is."  My heart in this moment is weaving together different bits of things to share this room you'll probably never stand in, via my ability to freeze moments in time in my minds eye, and then put them on paper.

So it's very much like coming home.  Because despite the fact that the last time I drew anything was more than a dozen years before I'd set foot in the room pictured, I get to share it with you quickly now.  This room?  It's my Polonia, my Bramasole made manifest.  It's a place of my heart.  That I can make it real and share with you is the promise of a light still shining.  It's very now, and very Zen.  It's like coming home ... for me!

Christmas Eve, Eve, Now, And Zen.

Six years ago today the Social Security Administration after horribly traumatizing and an already traumatized woman who was living in fear, even terror, most of the time, had this same woman involuntarily placed in a locked padded room staring at the possibility of being there through Christmas.  This was after letting her drive in hysterical tears from the SSA office, to her therapist's office, where her therapist managed to get her calmed down enough that she wasn't ready to take her own life.  This also involved having her take double her usual dose of tranquilizer and sending her home.

Still, the SSA sent the local police to her house with the lights on with orders to either take her to the hospital, or supervise her until EMS could come pick her up.  She was given no choice. Either go to the hospital willingly, or wait for EMS.  She went with the nice policeman and was locked into a padded room.   She sat in that locked padded room as people came wandering in and out, asking her questions and trying to decide if she was a danger to herself or anyone else.  She managed to get released and not have to spend the holiday locked up, but that damage was done.

It's now six years later.

So she lives in a different kind of fear. Yet she does a marginally better job of managing that fear.  It's good not to be locked away on Christmas Eve, Eve.  By the same token she sometimes wonders if she might be safer locked away.  Not safer from herself, but from the kind of dark, lunatic, fringe that doesn't seem to be the fringe anymore.  People everywhere are becoming increasingly dangerous and hostile over things they cannot control and know little or nothing about.  Conspiracy theorists are popping up everywhere, not just on the far right, but everywhere. And they have conspiracy theories about conspiracy theories.  It's bedlam.  This includes Facebook, especially Facebook.

So while she does her absolute best to stay calm, present, and focused on what is, and is not real, and treating everyone with love, compassion and empathy, many people just go completely off the reservation trying to spread insanity to her.  The anger, pain, and lack of stability makes her wonder if she might not be safer in a locked room with no access to (self proclaimed) seemingly "normal" people who suddenly turn into mindless zombies ranting about things that may or may not be real, all while they refuse to see what is plainly before them.

On Facebook, she's become particularly adept at completely blocking people when it becomes clear they are interested only in being right, and shoving their own brand of rage down her throat.  She's not suffering fools gladly anymore and that's a big change from then.  She's a whole bunch more Zen.  Mainly because it's a defense against the growing madness of entire classes of people who have come unhinged.

She's taken to blocking friends of friends because they have lost the ability to manage their own impulses and have to be right about something that had nothing to do with the topic at hand.  Meditation and an eye on history that many seem to have lost keeps her from losing what little of her mind is left, keeps her focused on this moment, and helps her to see that quite often what she might once have thought was her own shortcoming really has nothing to do with her.

If you engage fear, let it smolder within you, and fan that smoke into flames you will succeed in setting yourself aflame for no good reason.  If you wish to burn yourself down on a heady dose of the toxic soup of misinformation, lies and pure full on paranoia, I will say a silent prayer to the universe for your lost soul, and go back to my own life, trying to make the best of it I can with what I have to work with.  The woman above?  Yeah, that was me, and I spent the day locked inside my own little corner of reality staying away from dangerous people as best I could.  I blocked someone else's friend so that I cannot see his posts, and he cannot see mine, because he's set on setting himself on fire.  I wish him well with that, but want no part of it.

"Bring It On" and dream fulfilled.

So when I was growing up, and all through high school, I wanted to be a cheerleader.  I mean really.  But I was the invisible, outcast, almost alien child.  Sure I was in great shape, I used to ride at least 100 miles a week on a bike, up and down all sorts of really gnarly hills and was in great shape.  Tall, thin, flexible, coordinated, and worked the baton whicked fast.  My sister hated me.  I had the hair, skills, energy and strength, heck I could have been a flier, or one heck of a base. I had enthusiasm.  I was almost the whole package.  But I was horribly shy and about as social as an abused cat.  But even today “Bring It On” and “Bring It On Again” are two of my favorite movies.  “Hellcats,” when I remember to watch it, is also a favorite.  But that was just a place in my life I could never get to.

So today I realized, somewhat late, but better than never I’d say, that I got my wish.  My inner cheerleader is feeling fulfilled, happy and proud.  Because life threw me the spirit stick and I DID NOT drop it!  That’s a big thing, I mean huge.  You drop the spirit stick and it’s a curse not just on you, but the whole team.  So while I may not have the body I once did, and 100 miles a week is not quite something I can pull off these days, I’m still, FINALLY, a cheerleader!

Because I support my team, my friends, the people I adore with loving, positive energy any chance I can.  I help people see past the negatives and encourage them to find the sunshine in any situation.  And I can still do a split.  Not that I have any reason to these days, but I can so stick the landing.

But I bring energy, enthusiasm, sunshine and as positive an outlook as I can to anyone that needs it.  I’m Bringing It On every chance I get! And I still think spirit fingers is kinda, well, lame? :)

For those who are so inclined, I was moved to actually read my own blog outloud.  Now let's see if I can post it here.