Wow, a permit? 42 years old and I have a drivers permit . . .

So I finished drivers ed, went to DMV, took the written test, and passed it with a perfect score! Cool! Had my picture taken, and now I just have to deal with making arrangements for a road test. Fun, fun, fun!

TAARNA The Tarakian and I.

Well, today's mail brought me the DVD copy of Heavy Metal, a movie that once seen has stayed with me for one main reason.

Many claim that Heavy Metal is very negative, even misogynistic in tone. While many of the early sequences paint women in a less than ideal or favorable light the last sequence of the film, when we meet Taarna, we find redemption and a very positive light painted with a heavy brush.

Taarna is a Tarakian, the LAST of her line, her "breed" and a warrior. She's called upon to Avenge the death of a people, the end of an age, to fulfill a promise, a pact made long before she was born. She takes up her her sword, and the 'armor' of her birthright and sets out to answer her call.

What can one woman do? What indeed!

Taarna is captured, tortured, abused and left for dead. She goes on to fight the leader of the Mutants, and then, to face certain death in the ultimate battle against evil. Her wounds, from torture and her battle with the mutant leader can not be pleasant or painfree. Her will however tired and wounded her body, is not broken, her duty no less clear, and she fights against all this, and of course certain death to do what is right, and close the lid on the box so to speak. From her death, she is reborn, a new defender takes up the mantle of defense against evil to protect the next generation.

I'm not Taara, and while I don't really want to die defending time and space against evil, given the same situation I cannot say I'd do things any differently.

I've been beaten, abused, violated and more. I've had my birthright stripped from me, my very soul torn and tortured to conform to someone else's vision of the universe and yet I've survived. I fought the hard battles with myself, and the world and its peoples, and while I wouldn't say I am victorious, I will say I'm still here.

Adam Smith in his writings on the Legend of Taarna (also www.taarna.net) writes in part;

"But in this age of darkness and nihilism, I believe virtue and beauty should be credited wherever found, even in the most unusual places. In St. Paul’s words, “whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is gracious, if there is any excellence, if there is anything worthy of praise, think about these things.” Philippians 4:8. I find this a fitting description for Taarna, and I hope that you will find her story edifying, uplifting, and a source of inspiration as I did 24 years ago, and still do today."

And I'd have to say I agree. From the first time I saw Heavy Metal until now, I was captivated by Taarna. Now, all these years later, I remain so. All these years later I'm reminded of my own struggles with Domestic Violence, Mental illness, and Gender. While my life is far from perfect, and I've been through the fires of hell more times than I wish to count or think about, I am reborn.

My heart, soul, spirit and birthright are all once again mine. NO longer will I sit quietly by and have my life force, my spirit stripped from me. Never again will I be accept being told, NO, YOU cannot possibly be, are not allow to exist. I will fight for my heart, my soul, my right to express myself and live my life HONESTLY.

I may not be an actual Tarakian, but I get it, I understand and have stood against adversity and pain to protect my spirit, my heart, my beauty. I have sacrificed everything, including life as I once knew it, once held it to be, to fight for truth and beauty. I am not the person I was as recently as five years ago, and while that person is missed, and the value and beauty in the sacrifice made not forgotten, I am not the same.

I feel a kinship not with an animated character in a movie, but who and what she represents. I am reborn, I am ME, I am, the last of my line, and I am a new Tarakian . . .

Communications, Mental Illness and growth . . .

I'm not even close to perfect. I'm just a girl dealing with a lifetime of stuff that has been, shall we say, less than favorable. A lifetime of abuse specifically, and of course my own internal issues have left me with problems, and plenty of them. My growth and changes have left the lions share of people around me lamenting the loss of the person I was. Not a week goes by that I don't find myself reminding folks I've known for years that I'm not HIM. That guy they knew, for better or worse, is gone.

Because these are people I care about, and the effect years of abuse have had on me, quite often I try too hard to please other people. I know this to be a problem and I'm working on it. I try to keep track of myself, how I relate to the world, and how I communicate. I am dealing with Mental Illness and this makes things more difficult for me, and the folks around me, but hey, I'm trying. I'm working hard on growth, healing and recovery where possible.

Some people, too many people, try to blindly PUSH through things to avoid change and growth. Some people seem to feel, subconsciously, that it is MY job, MY problem and that I should change to fit into their own bit of brokenness. I'm sorry, but I've long since outgrown, or burned out, on the obsessive NEED to be right and have all the answers. Even to the stupid s5it no one really thinks about or cares.

Case in point, the government is stupid and at many levels a very simply run organization. Cost matters, and in many places they nickel and dime things to death. The Food Stamp program is one such instance where this is seen to be true. Someone I know just started, as part if her own journey of healing and growth, on Food Stamps. Great, wonderful, awesome, she's getting some much needed help.

No one cares, or gives a flying pig when or why the FS program will prorate the amount available. Reality check here; You start in the middle of the month, they give you only as much as days remain in the month. NO ONE except maybe the person getting FS gives a flying fig that the portion of the month BEFORE FS started the person may not have had much to eat. The government doesn't CARE, you were NOT their problem then, so of course they are going to prorate it.

Me I had to sit through a lecture of why it is stupid and even somewhat insensitive. I had to sit, biting down on my tongue to keep from saying something, anything, because it would have served only to fuel this persons wrath and brand of brokenness and use me as the target. I don't really fracking CARE! Damn it girl, you are broken, need to be on disability so you can focus on healing and growth, not just beat into your own and everyone else's minds why you are so broken.

Communications is as much learned as innate, nature and nurture combine to form a matrix that gives us some direction and then life is the process of growth, change, learning and so forth. The definition of insanity for many is doing the same thing time and again expecting a different response. Men and women have two completely different styles of communication and at times it is, in my experience, like speaking two very different languages. Those of us "gifted" with Gender issues understand the torment of trying to be someone we are not.

Some people, for whatever reason, just refuse to heal and grow. This includes but is not limited to picking a damn gender. Just pick one, go there, and be done with it. Worse yet, find a way to communicate that WORKS and go with it, some people, know, down to a horrific level of detail EXACTLY how gender communications works for BOTH genders and can switch back and forth with an ease that makes those of us stuck with one or the other envious.

REFUSING to pick a language, a style of communications that people can relate to is what brings me to this level of frustration. Sitting right on the fence teasing BOTH sides with language and communications that works for neither is just cruel. BULLSHIT you don't think in one or the other, you've shown, time and again you can. Refusing to because its HARD? Come off it, grow up! Life isn't easy, isn't meant to be, and like anything, the rewards are there.

You're broken enough, without having to prove it constantly! Sitting halfway between worlds and taunting both is simply MEAN, NOT easy. Well, I sit corrected, yeah, it's easy to pick on the crippled kids. But when you are the one crippled and you come off all pompous, high and mighty and then manage through double talk to get everyone hooked on what you are saying and trying to keep up, we eventually tire of this. Get over it! Really! Male, female, pick one already! Don't sit between like you are some super being who knows better than everyone and hit us because we can't keep up or even follow you more than half the time.

Get over the dissection of everything into atoms leaving crap everywhere! Stop breaking it down to math and actually try to live for a change. Talk WITH people, NOT AT THEM and see where that can take you. When you are faced with someone who admits she's not perfect, doesn't know everything, and is WORKING hard on healing and growth, DON'T KICK the shit out of her every change you get.

I'm terrified of speaking, of saying ANYTHING because NOTHING I say is ever good enough, right enough, accurate or perfect enough. I live in the real world, I avoid the news, I KNOW WHAT I'VE seen, lived, am trying to survive. I really don't give a flying pig about libertarian dogma, and it is dogma. You have it burned so deep into you somehow you are incapable, or unwilling to see WHAT ACTUALLY IS, before you go ripping it to shreds. I'm sure . . .

I'm sure I meant to finish this, but it will have to wait I guess . . .

Drivers Education?!

Wow, 42 years old and I'm just starting life all over again. Like signing up for Drivers Education to get the discount off my insurance, and be certain when I test for my new license I don't screw it up.

His old life, that old life, is rapidly falling by the wayside, and the last vestiages with him. Because of my history of being stalked and abused, because of the fear and lasting pain my Late Husband and his parents burned into my heart and soul, I've been forced to start completely fresh. This includes being 42 years old and a new driver. Woof!

For the nonce I need to wash my hair and get cleaned up as I'm going to take part in a study at Colorado University about transissues . . .

I'll let you all know how that goes! Oh yeah, one other thing, I may be moving my blog soon, just so that I can more easily integrate it with my server and the content I'm building there.

Caio!

NY gender law not realistic - Opinions

NY gender law not realistic - Opinions

I'm sorry, but since when are stupid bigots allowed to come of sounding like experts. I don't usually like to call people names, but steve Kook is just that a Kook! Hey, we are the only ones allowed to engage in revisionist history, we let anyone do it and we won't have control anymore. That in a nutshell is his argument.

Wake up Steve. I've been female, through and through, for as long as I KNEW the difference between the two. Medically I've undertaken, willingly, numerous steps to correct what I consider little more than a birth defect doctors missed when they "guessed" at my gender. Hormone replacement therapy is a major, irreversible step, after more than a year the way back is risky and not likely to be all that sucessful. After seven years (just four years from now) every cell in my body will have been replaced by one completely female in nature. What genitalia I have at the time will be far less significant than what my blood chemistry says. What is between my legs, of between my shoulders is not what makes me a woman. What is between my ears on the other hand is now, always has been, and will ever more be female. My mind. I tried to change it, attempted three decades of lies, deceit and acting toseem like someone I'm not. My health, happiness and welfare however suffered greatly.

I have, as a person BORN here, in the United States of America, certain rights given to me by the founding fathers. These brave and stubborn men fought King and crown to step forward and loudly proclaim:

"We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal, that they are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable Rights, that among these are Life, Liberty and the pursuit of Happiness.--That to secure these rights, Governments are instituted among Men, deriving their just powers from the consent of the governed, --"

Wow, a real page turner!

Seriously though, this has nothing to do with you specious and out right discriminatory thinking and arguments. The US constitution forwards additional rights, including but not limited to the following:

"Amendment IV

The right of the people to be secure in their persons, houses, papers, and effects, against unreasonable searches and seizures, shall not be violated, and no warrants shall issue, but upon probable cause, supported by oath or affirmation, and particularly describing the place to be searched, and the persons or things to be seized. "

How do these two things go together? Simple, 99% of my paperwork says I'm female, a woman, a United States citizen by birth. The one last, tiny bit of information is incongruent with the rest of my life, and can cause huge problems, including but not limited to gross violation of my forth amendment rights. Then of course, there is my fifth amendment right:

"Amendment V

No person shall be held to answer for a capital, or otherwise infamous crime, unless on a presentment or indictment of a grand jury, except in cases arising in the land or naval forces, or in the militia, when in actual service in time of war or public danger; nor shall any person be subject for the same offense to be twice put in jeopardy of life or limb; nor shall be compelled in any criminal case to be a witness against himself, nor be deprived of life, liberty, or property, without due process of law; nor shall private property be taken for public use, without just compensation. "

In short, 1% of my paperwork incriminates me without so much as a by your leave, and on the face of it violates my fifth amendment rights.

I don't want to be some kind of gender varient "creature" the circus freak who's life is half male, half female, and never quite whole.

With God as my witness, I don't WANT to be a woman. Despite this being the twenty first century, bigots are everywhere, and women everywhere are still second class citizens, in some places worse that that, we are not even considered human. I can think of any number of other things that I could do with the time, effort, money, blood, sweat and tears spent reaching "congruence" and if there was any way I could survive the ongoing charade of the last thrity years, I'd give it a go. Oh wait, did that, time and time again.

I don't want to be a woman, I just am one. It has nothing to do with clothes, shoes, shopping or makeup! Well, maybe shoes . . . :-o) I has everything to do with the fact that when I open my mouth a woman's heart, mind, soul and spirit express in a clearly and distinctly female fashion. Why? Just because I'm a woman, I didn't, and wouldn't CHOOSE this, why it would be so much easier being a heartless, insensitive, unthinking bigot like yourself, making idiotic argements that have nothing to do with gender, history, medicine, health or anything else.

I suppose you are one of those completely slimy morons who saw araped woman should find, and marry her rapist and raise the child of violence together in agony all her days until she finally snaps under the strain and kills all three of them. I suppose you are one of those hideous creatures who believes I should carry my child to term even if it kills me, leaving another orphan in the world?

The founding fathers didn't set out to TAKE rights (or responsibilities) from anyone, John Adams didn't say: Okay,so we all get to be free and live happy, peaceful lives EXCEPT for this list of people.

I HAVE the same rights as you do, for the same reason, and while it is your right to stand and be known far and wide as a complete idiot and bigot for shooting off your mouth without giving it a seconds thought, is it my right to stand up in full public view and say "He's an idiot and bigot, here's why!"

So Steven Kwok, just take your idiocy and bigotry and sell it to someone with less brains than yourself. You go ahead and keep on shouting at the rain Steve because you don't understand it and cannot sell it.

I cannot be too hard on you, it is against my moral and ethical code to have a battle of whits with unarmed people plus I make it a point never to kick people who are retarded, infirm, or otherwise less advantaged than I am. So you are pretty much covered there . . .

I am a woman, never "going" back, never want to, and just want to live in peace without morons like you messing up my hair. You are a bully and an ignoramus Stephen Kwok, go play blind man's bluff on the highway okay?

Passing days, and memories. . .

Earl was a bastard, there is no nice way to say it, he was controlling, abusive, cruel and so much more. He was exactly the same man I married nine years ago today. On our wedding day he was more than just rude and an obnoxious jerk to my sister and a friend, he was violent and abusive.

He was also, for better or worse, richer or poorer, in sickness and in health, my husband and I failed him and myself.

His illnesses took him from us, from me, long before his death April 10th of 2006. Gender Dysphoria, A co-dependant, abusive relationship with his parents, diabetes, kidney failure due to high blood pressure, which was due to the stress on his heart and soul of living so profound a lie.

I've "learned" to hate him over time, to "see" how this wasn't my fault, why I shouldn't feel ashamed and a waste of life. But you see this is the crux of the problem, feelings don't always make sense. I spent the better part of my adult life controlling, or trying to, my FEELINGS to the point that it nearly took my life too! I've "learned" that I did what I must to survive, to live, to "protect and serve" my own life. To for once, nurture my own heart, mind, body and soul, allowing myself to be first for a change.

It still isn't easy. I still LOVE that man who was so bad for me, to me, that I am damaged. Well past a "Christmas cake" I'm the old woman down the lane no-one knows and no-one misses. I hurt, so much, and so deep, that I worry I'll never be able to love again. I'm damaged so badly that sleep without tranquilizers and sleeping pills is just a rumor, something other people do, and the thought of allowing anyone too close to me makes my already cold blood freeze solid with terror.

The days pass, and endless stream of tomorrows to muddy with the pain of my heart and soul. The memories however seem to go on forever. All at once I hate this man who violated me, took my heart, mind, body and soul from me and made me unclean, and yet. If he were to walk through the door right now I'd probably go back to waiting on him hand and foot, taking his violence and abuse as if it were my penance for having sinned so badly in my last life.

Today would have been nine years . . . Nine years of violence and pain I am trying so hard to escape. Nine years of betrayal and death of dreams, nine years since I gave this man my heart, mind, body, soul and innocence. I hate him, I love him, and I feel every bit like a drug or alcohol addict must.

She was born with her mother’s habit,
You could say it’s in her blood,
She hates that she’s got to have it,
As she fills her glass up,

She’d love to kill that bottle,
But all she can think about,
Is a better life, a second chance,
And everyone she’s letting down,
She throws that bottle down,

One day, I hope, I pray, I will be that woman. I will throw down the bottle of pain and memory that poisons me.

Don’t give up hope,
Some people change,
Against all odds,
Against the grain,
Love finds a way,
Some people change.

Thank God for those who make it,
Let them be the light,

I pray one day I will be one of these people, that I'll have changed enough to allow Love back into my heart and life, that I'll be able to let someone close to me, to touch me, to hold me, to love me without recoiling in fear and terror.

The days continue to march on, and I'm still here. Slowly growing, changing, healing, and praying for more miracles in my life. The memories however remain, haunt me, taunt me, threatening to tear down what is left of me.

I just cannot give up hope, it is all that sustains me some times . . . Now however I need some Chocolate and some sleep . . .

Today would have been, was nine years . . . I miss him, I miss us, I morn for what might have been, and children thankfully un-born. I morn life . . .

Oh my, what a day . . .

So I got up and out of the hotel this morning right around the time that I should have been checking out anyway and got an early start on what should have been, and was, a short day! I was on I70 highway before noon, and made good time to the CO line. My goal was the Front Range, and Denver, before sunset! Made good time, by just shy of 15:00 mountain I was crossing the line into Colorado. When I was just west of Limon I could see Pikes Peak, small and in the distance, but I knew I was getting closer! About a hundred miles out I could see the mountains, my mountains, small and in the distance but growing with each passed mile.

The tears welled up in my eyes and threatened to choke off my throat, I could only sit there crying, driving and saying 'mou, mou, mou, mou, mou, mou' for something like 25 or 30 miles. Had anyone been in the car with me they'd have had me locked up I 'spect. No matter! I was almost home, almost 'safe' back in the loving embrace of those magestic peaks. Several phone calls, and a few rest stops later I was looking at the Denver skyline, and beyond it the first hints of a sunset in the mountains. A full decade since my last, I just drank in the beauty of it all. I watched every lovely second of sunset over the Rockies, taking my time making the last miles to my sisters house last.

It was in fact nearly dark by the time I pulled into the neighborhood to see my sister standing there waiting for me, talking to me on the phone while I drove up. She sure was a sight for sore eye's, and especially mine. Last time we'd been in the same State, let alone the same room, was more than a year ago. I was home . . .

Sempre Avanti!

Ever forward! I left Cincinatti behind me and continued on my way west today. The weekend with Mark and Val was really cool. We spent a whole bunch of time talking, and just hanging out. Had Lunch Saturday at a wonderful little hilltop spot called City Tavern. Out on the balcony with a view of the river and much of downtown Cincinatti laid out before us, we had some great burgers, a bit of liquid and plenty of good conversation.

From there we wandered down to the Kentucky side of the river. We walked along the river, and then stuck our heads into Hooters of all places. Mark and Val split a pitcher of draft, and I got a pitcher of Sangria, and we all shared several orders of fried pickles. Now I like pickles, and be they cold, cooked into a japanese stir fry, or whatever, I really enjoy them. Lightly batter dipped and fried up like tempura however was a whole new experience and I really, really, enjoyed them! Sometimes you just have to say the heck with the diet, and today was certainly one of them!

Sunday we went over to Donatto's Pizza for link, where they make the most wonderful, fresh French Bread pizza! I'm talking real, honest to goodness bread dough, they load up with your choices of toppings and then put into a pizza oven! Very cool and not the most expensive stuff in the world. I mean for "fast food" this is worth eating and filling.

More just hanging out and talking which seemed to be the theme for the visit and then Mark had to head back up to his house for work at "oh dark ick" in the morning. I stayed at Val's sunday and we wound up up talking until late while Val made cookies. White and regular chocolate chip cookies and tea set off the day nicely.

Morning came, as it does, too soon and I got myself ready for the next legs of my drive. Coolest thing happened as we wer walking out of the house, it started to flurry! First snow flakes of the season to user me west, I was one happy girl as I drove out to the highway and headed west.

So I made a new friend, since Val is perfectly awesome, and reconnected with a dear old one who'd not seen me since the bulk of my changes. From my perspective, everything went well, and I had a great deal of fun. Mark and Val are still talking to me, so I don't think it went all that bad!

I made it as far as Salina Kansas, which is more than halfway, and puts me in great shape to get to Denver tomorrow. I stopped for the night, well really the morning, in the Day's in right off of I70 in Salina. The service was excellent, the room quiet and clean, and the sleep MUCH better than in the days of my youth when I might have slept in the car in a rest stop. More to follow . . .

Leaving, no plane involved . . .

So today I took the first major step to my new life, and home. It was a huge one, and the day lasted far longer than I'd imagined. My goal was 620 some odd miles to reach Cincinnati, OH where I was to have a few days of layover on my way west. Traffic and road construction turned what should have been a 10 hour drive into a fourteen hour drive. Seriously NOT fun driving wise, but some of the scenery through Penn state was amazing! Lush, lovely, color saturated Penn farm land!

It was dark by the time I reached Ohio, and then one thirty in the morning when I got to Cincinnatti. My friend and former roommate Mark and his new love were waiting for me, with Val's three lovely dogs and two cats. Three dogs who normally bark at everyone, didn't even make a peep when I showed up. Mark, Val and I stayed up until very, very early in the morning talking, connecting and reconnecting.

Finally at five in the morning I took my night time pills and drifted off to sleep.

Lit from within . . .

So I'm finished in the Ladies room tonight, and washing up and I couldn't help but smile. So many years I saw someone in the mirror I didn't know how to be, and the pain was always there. Mirrors, like cameras I avoided like the mythical Vampire eschews the sun [cause we all know real ones are sensitive, but don't instantly turn to dust right? ;-o) j/k] and doesn't have a reflection.

Now, I see a woman with a past, but who's heart, mind, body and soul are pretty together, or congruent! Such a simple thing that just takes my breath away. I'm not perfect, but I never wanted perfection, just some peace, and a face looking back at me that matched who I am. I see me now, anytime I look, and I actually like who I see. I have this glow, happiness, even a level of peace I never thought possible. I'm told it isn't going to go away anytime soon, and that's just fine by me.

I was also struck be how alien the thought of a men's room was to me. Why you might wonder was I even thinking of the men's room? Well I noticed in the stall in the ladies room that the door lock had a black line on it, and when closed, it pointed to a similar black mark on the door. I didn't remember seeing that in the men's room when I was still using them at this one building, and for a split second I thought "hey, maybe I should stick my head in and look . . ." and it hit me. There was NO WAY I was going into a Men's room!!! Ewwww, gross!!!

I don't know when or how it happened, but now, not only does the Ladies room feel normal, natural and comfortable but the men's room just felt completely alien. Wasn't any concious decision, or even any point I can look back on and say, Ah, ha! Nope, just happened when I wasn't thinking about it or paying any attention.

So, there is this new level of existence I have now that I never had before. I'm so much more comfortable in my own life than I ever was. I have this sense of self, of comfort, that I've never had, never dreamt of having. With it comes this glow I cannot explain, but really don't want to look into, it is just so much easier to revel in it and enjoy my life. This glow, sense of self, of happiness and comfort is not something I can hide, nor do I want wish to for any reason.

That deep down aching empty hole in my soul has been replaced with light, warmth and life! So I'm a woman lit from with in! The lights are on, there is a fire in the hearth and I'm home and it shows.