72 Hour Hold

Today is one I'd much rather forget about, let alone retell, but it is representative of some of the madness and confusion in and around my life.

I'd been feeling pretty good for me, depression held back a bit, and that anxiety, fear and panic also limited some all by medications. Better living through chemistry a friend of mine used to say. So, having finally managed to complete my name change, signed, sealed (both ways) and delivered to me by UPS overnight I decided that since my last few trips to the Social Security Administration office went well, I'd get the paperwork started.

I went in armed to the teeth with more documentation than the website claims they need in order to change my Social Security number. Earl, and his parents, are violent, nasty, evil people who making lying such a habit they don't know what turth is anymore. Worse still, because of their connections in Wall Street, they think they are above the law. They have said, on more than one occasion, since the day Earl and I announced our engagement, that he'd be better of if I were dead. They've also said that they can, and just might arrange that. So, I need some healthy space, and protection from these "evil-doers" and the Justice Department says that a name, and SSN change is the way to go.

Now changing your SSN isn't easy to start with, and one used to have to present an impossible amount of paperwork to even try to get it changed. In fact the only people allowed to change SSNs are the survivors of domestic violence. In 1998 by executive order from then Vice President Gore, the rules were changed to make it a bit easier on us, survivors that is. I went with more information than they required, and tried to get the ball rolling.

What a completely wretched mistake, a horrible, painful experience that were I not already scarred for life by my ex-husband, this would have done just as well. I have enough problems, and an existing fear, terror of "authority figures" and the woman I got stuck with 'Mrs. L------' of the  SSA was about as caustic and dangerous as any one person can get. I wonder if she knows Earl? Anyway dealing with her attitude, and the EXTREMELY offensive track she took was significantly more painful then having ACID poured onto my raw, exposed nerves.

I left hysterical in tears, fighting to see through the tears, pain and overwhelming desire to "put a more permanent end to my pain" than I could handle. I mean seriously, I was suicidal and wanted nothing more than to die and get it over with. I managed to fight it long enough to drive the fifteen or so miles to my therapists office where I spent more than an hour trying to save my life. Finally, composed enough not to be a threat to myself (or anyone else) I went home with orders to take a tranquilizer and take a nap. She (my therapist) called my sister-in-law and told her what had happened and asked her to wake me and check up on me when she got home from work.

I took my pill, but made the critical mistake of calling the SSA tollfree number to find out what happened, and all the pain came rushing back. In seconds I was hysterical in tears, and the woman there decided I was a danger to myself or others. She called the local police, had them rush to my house with the lights on, thankfully, no sirens and take the phone from me to let the folks at the SSA know they were there. The patrolman who showed up was patient, nice, and not there to make me feel worse, BUT he was required to either take me willingly to the local rubber room or hold me there until the medics could come and take me in. He said if I go willingly with him, I could get evaled and possibly sent home that night, if the medics took me I'd be in for a three day hold. What's a girl to do? I went with him and even gave him a shorter route to the hospital he'd never have thought of. He was impressed and surprised wanting to know how long I've been living here. Not long I said, I just spend too much time studying, in this case, maps . . .

Thank Goddess!!!

I got up this morning and called my lawyers office to see if there was an actual tracking number for the package he was going to send yesterday. Wow, there actually is!!! I went out to UPS online, and it says the package is out for delivery . . .

Then, without so much as a hi, how are you, the UPS guy shows up driving a rental truck and just leaves the package between my storm door and the front door. Not knowing the rental was them, and not actually seeing a guy in brown walk up, I figured just in case, I'll check and see who/what this was. I honestly thought it was going to be another Chinese menu, which sucks because I'm not the only one here that prefers my home made Chinese/Japanese/Thia food to delivery.

Sitting quietly between the two doors, looking for all the world like a kitten who'd been nosy and got stuck, was the UPS overnight letter!!! Finally, really, signed, sealed DELIVERED my new name!!! I didn't even need to go within 300 miles of the court house!

The waiting continues . . .

Well today was the day Jay was suppose to overnight my decree . . . Waiting can be such a pain sometimes!

Omigoddess!!! Finally!!!

Today the phone rings, caller id says it's my lawyer Jay, I groan and answer it certain he's going to have more BS reasons he cannot complete my name change anytime soon. I'm just waiting for it, after him putting me through hell on the phone about creditors and rights, I figure the excuse is coming. He said he ran around court much of the morning and the afternoon, and miracle of miracles EXACTLY like I said it would happen, my name change is done!!!

He said it was going to take them a few days to get everything typed up and finished, and everything would be ready on Wednesday. Did I want him to overnight the decree to me? Oh, yes, without question if you don't mind I'd love it if you overnighted it!

So now, I wait!!! Knowing that he's lied to me in the past, not certain I can believe until the paperwork is in hand, I wait . . .

A piece from October that I find myself thinking of . . .

. . . today. I wrote this "A piece from my 2005 diary" back in October and for some reason it is weighing heavy on my heart and mind right now. Quite possibly due to the fact that today is a cold, but sunny winter saturday, just the sort of day Earl and I would put to good use.

If he were alive, and still part of my life, we'd get ourselves together and go out driving, explore a small town. Wander through new housing developments looking at houses being built. Even wander around inside new houses while they were still under construction. We'd do some shopping, some cleaning, some laundry and nothing really pressing or difficult. Wouldn't need great amounts of money, just time and an interest having fun together.

That was then, this is now. Here I sit in Jersey, my roommate next to me, laptops madly clicking away as she works on making more lists, and I try to keep from losing what's left of my mind . . .

Making progress! Or at least getting more exercise!

Okay, compared to some people I'm a lightweight, I get that, compared to others however I'm a health freak. Whatever! The news however is every day for the last week I've managed at least 30 sit ups each day, and running up and down three flights of stairs. Yesterday I squeezed in a minute of probably too fast jumping jacks which came out to 140 someodd jumps. That's something like two per second, and now I'm a bit sore in a bunch of new places.

Today, I managed two loads of laundry, and 40 sit ups along with three flights of stairs. I'll stick with 40 sit ups for the next week and go from there. Oddly enough all this extra work feels good! So, I'm guessing I'm doing something right!

Someone recently asked me what my disability was . . .

. . . and I found my answer, while simple, interesting in it's ability to capture in so little space, something so complex? Here's what I wrote;

"Well, the fancy terms are Battered Wife Syndrome, Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, Generalized Anxiety Disorder, and Chronic Depression.  In simpler terms, I'm trying to recover from years of abuse, from being raped, and violated more than once, by people who claimed to love and respect me.  From trying time and again to live the life expected of me, regardless of what  is possible.  I'm attempting to recover from years of being a good little girl, working harder and harder to make EVERYONE
around me happy thinking if I just work hard enough, fast enough and better than anyone else that eventually people would love me.  I'm attempting to recover from demands and expectations well outside what could ever be considered reasonable.  I have serious problems having people demand more from me than can reasonably be expected from five people and be expected to do it all instantly, because invariably they are unwilling to accept responsibility for their own actions, and are not accountable.  I have problems being treated like a little girl, told time and again that people around me were going to do something by a certain time and then NEVER doing it.  I'm suffering from having asked for almost nothing and gotten so much less that it made me question what was wrong with me so often I actually believed I must be some kind of freak, some kind of evil creature for having a heart and mind.  I'm suffering from being a woman with simple needs in a world of madness, greed and malice for people who are honest, feeling and emotional.  I'm suffering from life.

I'm sorry that was so dark, but unfortunately this is what I've been "living" with and right now quite honestly it has been, for more than a year, a battle to stay alive.  Domestic Violence against women and children is a plague on this planet, and I happened to be such a bad girl that people felt they could use and discard me.  Rape is bad enough, horrible enough that I feel it should be a capitol offense, being beaten and raped by someone who worked hard to gain my trust, respect and love is even worse.  I'm not perfect, and to answer my father's question (What did you do to deserve this?) anytime something went wrong; "I freely admit my guilt, I had a major hand in my own fate, I brought this on myself by loving, trusting, and respecting people who claimed to love me."  Yes, I'm guilty, it's all my fault, just shoot me and put me out of everyone's misery . . .

Ellie just pointed out that she gets the sarcasm in this last paragraph, and I should point out that yes, there is a great deal of that there.  It hasn't really made any of this easier, hasn't made dealing with the agony of life simpler, hasn't given me the resources I need to fight back.  While not quite at the same level, my lawyer(s) even have treated me in a similar fashion, discounting and disregarding my feelings, my needs because I don't have huge amounts of money to throw their way. 
You see my EX took everything from me when he left me . . .

So that's the nickel tour.  Sorry ladies to be so dark and heavy, but this is the shortest answer I could give . . ."

Thanksgiving . . .

Well it was unusual and different, but otherwise better than it seemed it was going to be.  Ellie and I started the day slowly, since it was just going to be the two of us.  I was in the kitchen making some cornbread and knocked a perfectly good Riesling white wine off the counter which shattered and the white I was looking forward to introducing Ellie to wound up being introduced to the floor.  Me, well I lost it, broke down crying and the whole bit because "Aunt Flo's" in town and I tend to over react to things.  We went out trying to find an open liquor store without luck, and landed in McDonanlds to wish one of our friends (who works there) a happy thanksgiving.

We made a command decision to put our actual thanksgiving dinner off until tomorrow and had dinner there with Donna and Rose.  Donna's the manager and made us special desserts (Yes, and McDonalds . . .) of applied pie ala mod, and added hot fudge to Ellie's, and pickles to mine.  Believe it or not I really like pickles and ice cream, the hot apple pie simply made it so much better!  Honestly, we had a good time and it really saved the day for me!

Came back home finished making the cornbread and made an extra for Ellie to take with her to work today and that, as they say, was the size of things here.  While I was working on the cornbread I made the usual round of calls to friends and family in other states and spent some time on the phone with them.  Nothing like a "normal" thanksgiving by any stretch of the imagination, but one I enjoyed regardless.

I had some different things to be thankful for this year, high on the list was being alive!  I've been fighting depression on and off for years, back in 2000 because of the way my spouse was treating me the depression started getting worse, and worse.  By May of this year I was in so much constant pain that when Flo would come to visit I get so much worse, and close to not being around for this Thanksgiving.  Ellie and my Sisters helped me through, gave me a hand seeing the light so to speak and got me to a Doctor.  Anti-depressants did not cure me of all that ails me, my life still sucks, but I have a bit healthier perspective on it all now!

So, Thankful that I'm still here, have family and friends who love me, and I'm finally, slowly working on rebuilding a life.  For the first time in my life, I'm really, honestly free of some of the things I've been fighting my whole life, and free to just be, ME!  May not sound like much, but having some goals, making a bit of progress, and being free to just be ME for a change is something truly worth being thankful for!

Weight loss . . .

Ohmigod! I'm getting seriously bummed, I'm trying so hard to lose weight and it's not as easy as it was last year! I so have to start getting more exercise, I mean really seriously have to do something. Walking is good, but I have to eat better and MORE? SO not going there . . . I mean, so like I'm supposed to take in MORE calories because I'm technically obese? What's a girl to do?

Sure, not eating enough and the amount of stress in my life means plenty of cortisol and hording of calories. I cannot drink any more water per day than I do now, I get close to a gallon, so I guess it means starting to seriously workout. Ack!

Transgender day of remembrance . . .

We live in a strange, sad, sick little world where some people have to die just for being themselves and many have, and continue to do so. Just think about it for a moment, you are minding your own business, walking down the street and someone jumps you and beats you to death for, the color of your skin, the religion you belive in, who you love, or taking steps to have a happier life of your own.

Tonight, all over the country (even the world) people gathered for a quiet prayer vigil for people who, for no other reason than they wanted to live true honest lives, were deprived of the option to live them. Each year, too many people are killed, period! Tonight's vigil was to remember men and women who had to die, men and women on a journey similar to mine.

Too many have died for NO REASON, help put a stop to hate crimes and make the cost so high it might make someone think, or at least, if not, get them off the streets quickly and for good if they do something horrible.

I went tonight because these people are more than worthy of my time, effort and energy to drive there and meet up with other like minded people to remember them. I went there to be with my "community" and be another small voice crying out against violence, discrimination and hate. I dream of a world without hate, one in which all people can grow to feel happy, safe and free.

Lacking that in the meantime I pray, including for those who no longer can . . .

more to follow . . .

Just saw Dr. C . . .

The good news is my BP is fine, She approves of the steps I've taken for control of triglycerides and calcium level, and agreed that 2mgs twice a day of Estrogen wasn't enough and increased it to 2mgs three times a day. She's going to see me on December 1 to remove the skin tag on my left breast, and otherwise I'm in good shape.

The bad news, I gained 14 pounds since Spetember ARRRRGGGHHHH!!!! Must, work, HARDER!!!!

Pray!

The Governments of the world are participating in, and encouraging, a serious delusion about the coming pandemic. Notice I said COMING! The outgoing US director of Health and Human Services said on his way out that the death toll in American lives is going to be between 30 and 70 MILLION people. My estimate based on a good old fashion hunch, is right down the middle at 50 million. My hunches so far have an amazing, even frightening accuracy and have saved my life more times than I can count. Remember flight 232 in Iowa in 1989? I wasn't on it because of one of my hunches.

When a pandemic hits (take note, I said when, not if) the death toll in terms of human lives world wide is going to be stagering. In the space of less than a year something like 25% of the population is going to die. Which if you take into account the current population of around 6.6 Billion people, translates into 1.65 billion people. More simply put, that's one in every four people. Doesn't matter where, doesn't matter when, and for reasons that should be perfectly obvious cities are going to be hit the hardest. So look around you at work, while you are shopping in the store, or just walking down a crowded street. Count four people one of them will die. People we know and love are going to die.

It is going to be a kind of ugly you've never heard of or imagined and are not prepared to deal with. It takes at least 6 to 8 months from outbreak to create any kind of preventative vaccine, and then two years or more to make enough to do anyone any good. Regrettably this is a medical fact, not something the government is lying about or covering up. The next pandemic is going to hit so hard, and so ast, that what is left of the national guard will be mobilized to do one thing. Try and put down civil unrest, enforce martial law, and collect those who have lost thier battle against this super flu.

Mentally and emotionally we need to be prepared, people, human beings, are NOT going to be taken to a funeral home, prepared, and burried in the family plot. This is going to be exactly like the movie outbreak, troops are going to collect remains, lay them all together and burn them. Not because they are insensitive, not because the government is cruel, not because anyone wants this done this way but simply because they MUST. The number of dead is going to be worse than anything you've ever heard of. The simple, harsh reality is this, that many bodies cannot be nicely, politely prepared and laid to rest.

Those of us who don't die from it, are not going to enjoy living through it, and will not enjoy what comes with it. Power, phones, radio, tv, cable, buses, trains, planes, hospitals, stores, supply lines, everything is going to be effected, and for a time everything is going to stop. Power will be out for months, along with everything else. Food and clean water will be hard to find, and so much more. I'm not going to talk about how bad it will be because it is too depressing to think about, let alone write about.

What can we do? Prepare, stay healthy, and pray! You can also start drinking small amounts of Hydrogen Peroxide. I kid you not, start now, little bits at a time working up to three teaspoonfulls a day mixed in something you like to drink. Take it either an hour before, or three hours after meals because otherwise you'll have serious gas issues. Simply put, it is one of a number of commonly available anti-viral agents that works really well and can save your life. I'm 41 years old right now, and (touching wood as she says this) have never had the flu, any flu that I know of because I do this every year at the begining of flu season, which is . . .
. . .Right about now!

Why this message of doom and gloom? Because it is not a matter of if, but a matter of when. We are due, sometime in the next ten to fifteen years, a major pandemic WILL hit. It happens just about every 100 years, the last one was 1918, you do the math.

Think I'm kidding? Read this and then Google it!

She's getting serious!

Okay, so it's just one day, and I have Ellie to thank for it but it was a good start and I'm still smarting from it. Sunday, yesterday, Ellie and I went over to Turkey Swamp Park and walked for about an hour. We covered about 2 and a 1/2 miles, and stopped at my favorite fitness station which is park of Turkey Swamp Parks fitness trail

So, now, just about every part of me from my breasts down hurts. I cannot for the life of me explain why, but my favorite station has to be one of the hardest. Station SIX is a crunch/sittup kind of thing, where you sit on a bench, hook your feet under a board, and lay down to touch a board behind you and situp again. Station SIX claims five reps is good for beginners, and fifteen reps is ideal for advanced users.

Ellie inspired me to do 30, five of them pilates style with my arms out straight, the remainder with them rested on my stomach. OY! So today, as anyone might expect, I hurt all over! What's worse is it feels good, like I actually accomplished something. Go figure! Perhaps more frightening still is my plan to do it again tomorrow. I don't even have to talk to anyone, or go near anyone making it all so much better. (People still frighten me, okay, terrify me) I'm alone, minding my own business, and not near anyone, plus I'm getting myself in better physical shape.

Now if I can just get over my fears of crowds, crowded places, people, and like just about everything else I might be able to be human again one day. Fulltime? Ha, SOC guidelines says something about living and working (or volunteering) in one's "new" role. Yeah, riiiiigggghhhtttt, that is SO going to happen. I cannot even goto a drive through by myself at this point. Waiting is for fullness I guess . . .

Mad props to Collen for the new look. I'm not going to be complete slime and totally copy it, but it's an awesome start and I hope she's not going to be upset with me while I work on making it my own!

Switching genders without warning or control?!?? Oy!!!

So I just don’t get it. My brain is wired, running, has for as long as I can remember been working consistently and regularly. Short of learning new things, dealing with what life has to throw at me, and betraying me periodically due to a mood disorder it is pretty constant. Nice, reliable, easy to understand and use, garden variety female brain.

I enjoy wielding pen and page to weave, into tangible form, everything from feelings to experiences and a spectrum of life between. I know I have a limitation when it comes to communicating with men, it has been, easily a defining aspect of Gender Dysphoria for me to live with. I am however working on it, and have recently made significant advances in being able to talk to men.

Women, ah yes, my sisters near and far, a fairer, smarter sex. Now women I’ve never had any problem talking with. We speak a common dialect; a common language and words, phrases, tone, inflection and context have a common understanding and meaning. We have been accused of using too many words to describe identicle concepts, and of intentionally obfuscating things that should otherwise be perfectly obvious. Ironically these accusations are almost always made by Men seeking to control those they do not understand. So rather than ask, and try to learn, they claim we are speaking a different language.

It certainly seems that way much of the time, because men use words we do, but suddenly they don’t mean what they did. They use identicle words, the same way, to cover so many different topics that I am never quite sure what they are talking about. When I ask questions, and attempt to understand, I’m either dismissed or they make a noise designed to end our conversation. Start talking about feelings, and suddenly it becomes a matter of open hostility and a refusal to talk about things because “You’d never understand!”

So you may be wondering why I’m restating something so obvious? This has been a standard of communications between men and women since our earliest days. Much has been said about differences between our brains and theirs, highlighting structural and chemical differences between male and female brains. Obviously Gender Dysphoria leaves us more torn between two worlds than others might be, while we LOOK like one side of the species, our brains are wired in an opposite fashion. Gender Dysphoria is a medical condition which has a profound impact on some lives, and in my own case is a life and death matter.

For nearly forty years I have been trying to find some kind of balance, some means to deal with this incongruity to no avail. For me, there is transition and GRS, a means of reshaping my body to fit my mind it houses, and ease much discord. Once this journey of mine is complete, I will finally look, and communicate like one half of our species. It will be obvious to everyone visually and aurally, and my thoughts are coming from a person who will be, in sync.

Great, that will make my life dramatically easier, and no different all at once. I’ll still need someone to translate for me periodically, and several people I’m close to can do this fairly easily. These people scare me! My Sister and Sister-in-law both to some degree have a unique and frightening ability to easily shift from one side of the “gender spectrum” to the other. They can understand both, and quite often translate between them. Wow, awesome, more power to them! I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t envious, because quite honestly I am. How different my life would have been, could have been, with this interesting gift.

It comes however with a price tag that to me is even higher than that of Gender Dysphoria! There are times with both of these women when I will suddenly completely lose any ability to speak with them. They slip across this “gender divide” and get stuck in Men’s country for a while and no longer have an ability to understand me or any interest in trying. For all practical purposes they “become” for a time, without warning or any apparent trigger, Men. This change is frightening, for me terrifying because quite suddenly this woman I know no longer is. I lose any ability to speak to them, understand them or communicate in any measurable fashion. Here I thought Gender Dysphoria was hard to deal with!!!

Mini-manicure set . . .

So the otherday while she was doing some shopping and i was napping in the car, Ellie picked up the most awesome mini-maicure set for me.

Thier website says;

"Put your best hand forward wherever you are!"
My Marvelous Minis Kit contains:
1. Side clipper for unbelievably easy, symmetrical nail trimming without all the pressure.
2. Mini sapphire metal file for shaping and cleaning.
3. Mini cuticle pusher for nudging cuticles back where they belong.
4. Mini cuticle remover for removing excess, ragged skin.

And having one to play with all I have to say is AWESOME! Stuck in bumper to bumper traffic on the turnpike, give yourself a quick manicure! Fit's into my purse so nicely and keeps everything in one place! Thanks Ellie!

:: Colleen's Meme :: Carried on from Brandi's blog

Colleen's meme, carried on from Brandi's blog

Three names I go by:
1. Samantha
2. Tess
3. Georgie

Three screen names I have had:
1. Samanthasxx (Thanks Melanie Ann Phillips!)
2. SRGCS1
3. Samanthaq123

Three physical things I like about myself:
1. My hips
2. My butt
3. My breasts

Three physical things I don't like about myself:
1. My nose
2. My stomach
3. The anomolies (Thanks Ruby Taylor!)

Three parts of my heritage:
1. Irish
2. English
3. Indian

Three things that scare me:
1. Doing this life over again
2. Loneliness
3. Reverting back to my previous incarnation (Thanks Mandy!)

Three of my everyday essentials:
1. Jesse (My bear!)
2. Purse
3. Something/someone to inspire me

Three of my favorite musical artists:
1. J.D. Danner
2. Gloria Estefan
3. Judy Collins

Three of my favorite songs:
1. "Shelter from the shame" - J.D. Danner
2. "Almost Home" - J.D. Danner
3. "Only have 100 years to live" - Five for fighting

Three things I want in a relationship:
1. Hugs
2. Love
3. Respect

Three LIES:
1. I am conservative
2. I'm over Earl/Deb
3. I am disloyal

Three TRUTHS:
1. I love being a girl
2. I love Luna
3. I love Jesse (I finally get to be Jesse's Girl!!!)

Three physical things about the opposite sex that appeal to me:
1. Strength tempered with Tenderness,
2. Drive tempered with Compassion,
3. Intelligence tempered with Wisdom and Understanding.

Three of my favorite hobbies:
1. Writing
2. Artwork
3. Sitting in a coffee shop reading!

Three things I want to do really badly now:
1. Read
2. Sleep
3. Drive out to my Sisters in CO

Three careers I've considered:
1. Massage Therapist
2. Librarian (Ooops, worked in librarys when I was a kid . . .)
3. Sex worker in Nevada (seriously)

Three places I want to go on vacation:
1. Ireland
2. Sedona
3. Any place Rachel Ray's done 40 dollars a day!

Three kid's names I like:
1. Lisa
2. Emily
3. Sara

Three things I want to do before I die:
1. Surgery!!!
2. Have sex the right way, maybe even work one week in Nevada
3. Find more things to do, and time to do them in.

Three ways that I am stereotypically a boy:
1. Your kidding right?
2. Like really, kidding???
3. I'm mean I haven't a clue, never could be one when I was forced to . . .

Three ways that I am stereotypically a girl:
1. I'm caring, considerate, tender, nurturing and an awesome listener.
2. I love shopping, well duh!
3. I have close female friends and can always enjoy more!

Three celebrity crushes:
1. Richard Dean Anderson
2. Kenau Revees
3. Amanda Tapping

Three people you want to see carry on this meme:
1. Ellie (She has to get a blog first)
2. My Sister Nobody, yeah like that could happen!
3. Someone new I haven't met yet!

Not a bad day all things considered . . .

So I'm not really certain what I'm here to say, other than I had a decent day if you don't take into account the failed trip to Blockbuster. Thought I could handle it, took an extra anti-anxiety med to help give me some addition protection and marched into the place like I used to do.

Well, in short order my whole system was shutting down and I was in danger of crashing badly. Panic and anxiety welled up out of control, and I was in trouble once again. I left, quickly, and took a half hour nap in the car while Ellie shopped in a couple of stores.

We went back home, had some dinner, I napped some more and then we watched "Bewitched" with Nicole Kidman. It was, simply awesome! I'm not usually a big fan of remakes, but this was really, really well done! I really enjoyed this a great deal, easily one of my favorite films!

Happiness!!!

I may not make sense in what I have to say here, but I feel like saying it anyway? More's the pity I feel like sharing it with everyone! I won't lie to myself or anyone here, MY LIFE SUCKS! Yup, full on sucks so bad the Christian version of HELL sounds like a vacation spot right about now. Why? Because I wouldn't have anything to worry about there. It would suck outright and not be sneaky about it, I could put it out of my mind as what IS and get on with enjoying the suffering. No demands, unrealistic expectations, no drive to BE someone I'm not, comparatively no pressure, and well no sneaky, reaches up to strangle the life out of me, pain! Just real, honest to goodness suffering for the sake of pain. I can groove with that, really. It would sure beat the heck out of this hell I'm in, not being able to go anywhere, do anything, or spend time with friends I don't have because I live in terror of an attack.

What kind? Pain, sorrow, despair, and mind numbing terror that it will get worse. For the record, Gender Dysphoria is cake compared to PTSD, GAD, and Depression, cake, I mean give me a second helping this is so good kind of cake. Cake so good I don't care if it goes straight to my waist and I become this wide, round, chick who needs to have the doors widened kind of round. Give me more I say!

So what the frell is this woman blathering about? Well, it goes like this, in spite of how badly my life sucks right now I'm deliriously happy! In public service we used to have an acronym for a phrase we could not, because of FCC rules, utter on the air. Well, THEY still use it I'm certain, and it is WTFO? WTFO in case someone reads this who cannot parse it out themselves stands for "What The Fuck OVER?"

Okay, so here's this woman who's been back and forth to hell so often, Satan has given to her, her very own Gulfstream 5 aircraft. You know, to make commuting easier, to make the lure, the temptation of just moving into a garden spot of suffering and being done with it that much easier. Why, because the price of JP5 to power the damn jet is so high, I have to take out a whole new mortgage on my soul with a higher interest rate every time I want to make the trip. I mean that's some gig "he's" got going on down there, and something I think the union rep needs to take to management. Sure, hell is terrible, suffering a plenty, just utterly hideous, but it pales in comparison to life topside so much that like I said, hell is a garden spot.

In spite of all that I'm so happy today I just feel like sharing it, because I'm always saying when someone manages to see some of what I'm going through and shrugs, that I want some of what they are taking. So here it is folks, happiness overflowing from this poor mixed up soul who is babbling about the joys and wonders of GD. Why am I SO HAPPY? Well it started yesterday really, no probably Sunday with the two glasses of wine and a request of help from my brother-in-law. Yesterday it just got better, and today, well the NRC has called out an alert and they are not sending the men in white with a rubber truck and butterfly nets because burying me in one hundred tons of lead and titanium on the moon sounds safer to them. Hey, didn't they get the memo? Didn't they watch "Space 1999" all those years ago? Sure, bury radioactive materials on the moon, rightieO, and off it goes into space from the explosion. Anyway, happiness, Gender Dysphoria, the same place and time? WTFOver? Right, been there done that.

So, Sunday Tony admits to me that he screwed up his anniversary big time last year and he needs my help. Unsaid, but certainly understood was his reasoning; 1) I talk to my sister several times a week, 2) I'm a woman, so I know these things, and can help him give my sister an anniversary SHE'LL appreciate because he loves her even if he doesn't understand her. Wow, honesty, like that, FROM . . . A . . . MAN??? Okay, one last load of JP5 and I'm taking the plane back to hell and staying there! I mean really, a guy asking for help and admitting that a woman understands these things better? Especially the SAME woman he walked up to and said ". . . cut your hair, and your nails YOU ARE NOT a girl, get over it!!!" Wow, acceptance, from HIM??? Not just acceptance, but finding, and admitting that I had some value as a woman, oh my G-d the validation was enough to put me in shock!!!

From there it only got worse, I sent him an e-mail and outlined some ideas to make the anniversary really special, meaningful and, AND inexpensive too! He didn't even question me, he was amazed, shocked even that something so simple could mean so much! Men, always thinking things need to be harder than they should be. Used to be I'd snort in disgust with this superiour attitude that said "Hah, men aren't worth bothering with because they are like retarded, obnoxious children!" I've since gotten over that attitude with the help of one of my other sisters, and you know, I'm a much better woman for it!

Which brings me, in not so simple a fashion to yesterday. I spent hours chatting with a total stranger on the Internet who was kind, attentive, patient, good to talk to, and MALE!!! Shit, I should have gone back to hell sooner, now it's too late because it just froze over! Thirty six years I've spent hating them, bashing them, talking trash about them every chance I could and now I spent four hours with one and enjoyed it? I say again; WTFO?!?!?!? I've never been able to talk to one for more than sixty seconds because, well, I never really knew how. I just could not talk to men and I chalked it up to the whole gender divide thing. They were male, I wasn't, case closed, they could no more understand me, than I could them, why bother. Why indeed??? Mind you he did the whole, I found your profile on the net, have some intelligent questions about this hypnosis thing to cover the fact that he was flirting, WITH ME!!! He asked for a picture, and sent me his, we talked for FOUR HOURS.

I felt so free, so liberated, so happy that Ellie said last night I was beaming. Mind you this was after she spent some time singing "Samantha's got a boyfriend!!!" in glee poking some well intentioned fun at me. What did we talk about? Oh my, a bit of everything from FOOD, to TV, to Hobbies, to CARS and of course Hypnotherapy. It was great, a casual, friendly, slightly frisky and fun honest to goodness conversation! He was amazed I knew anything about cars at all, let alone appreciated nice ones, and at the same time apologized when I said I hated NOISY, SMOKY BEASTS that waste fuel, pollute the air and environment, and hurt my hears, let alone the general level of annoyance at such a testosterone driven display of power for the sake of power. He managed to do so without being negative or condescending about women even as he said it was cool I liked cars even though I'm "a girl!" Wow, rock my world baby. I like him. Yup, I like him enough that I don't immediately think EWWWW, "he's one of those!!!" like he has a horrible disease or something. Not once did I apologize for being female, for thinking, feeling and being who I am. A woman with her own heart, mind, likes, dislikes, feelings and opinions, one who is always polite, but not shy about sharing them! Never came up, he liked my picture, seemed to like me and just accepted the fact that I was a woman. Damn!!! Talk about walking on air for a change.

So last night it hit me. Just like a truck on a foggy, pitch dark night! Wham, I was, I am, can it be? HAPPY?!?!?!?!? No way, I mean really, we know how much my life sucks, what could I possibly be happy about? Being me is what!!! I'm far enough into transition that I've long since given up trying to hide it, trying to deny it, or trying to rationalize it all away as some sort of escape from how much I've been used, hurt and just generally a complete failure as a man. Of COURSE I'm a complete failure as a man, I'm not a man, never have been, never really could be simply because . . . Wait for it . . . I AM A WOMAN!!! Hey I've given as good as I got, better sometimes, and stuck out the lie longer than I should have. I've done things no men can do, and plan to keep on doing them because no MAN can. Doesn't make me better, worse, or anything else, I'm just a woman making my way through life.

Today I got up, made a simple breakfast, and a lunch that was as yummy as it was unusual. Bacon, Garlic, and Cheese omen with green beens sauted in garlic on the side and a tall cold glass of lemonaid! Better still, I cooked it all in one pan, and reserved some of the garlic and evoo on the side to cook the omelet in. Yes, the same garlic and evoo I cooked the beens in! Damn, talk about good!!! I've spent the day reading blogs, e-mail and writing blogs and e-mail. I relaxed a bit today for a change. Sure, my sucky life will be there when I get back to it, being a woman isn't going to suddenly, magically cure all that ails me.

Being ME is, however, eventually going to cure all that ails me, and the only thing better than admitting that I'm a woman and need to transition and be done with it is LIVING IT! No more hiding behind a lie for the sake of fitting someone else's narrow minded version of reality. No more HIDING, LYING, trying desperately to be someone I could never be. Something tells me that I put half again as much energy into my new life, as I did the old one, coupled with honesty and the freedom to be me, and I'm going to have a great life!!! Yes, transition cures something, my irrational need to be someone else, to need to live in self imposed pain and misery because I bought lock, stock and barrel the line of bull the world sold me for years! I'm reveling in being happy right now, feeling "normal" and comparatively healthy. GD is not, I say again NOT some mental disorder, not even close. It is, in my case, a series of tasks that I need to do to cut down on confusion and make me physically a bit more comfortable. The hardest part is over, I AM WOMAN, the rest are some things I need to do when I can afford them, just like a new wardrobe.

I'm done, it's over, I AM WOMAN and I'm NEVER, EVER going back to Men's country to suffer a silent agony of not being allowed to be me! I spent thirty six or so years in prison for a "crime" I did not commit, and I'm NOT EVER going back. There's an amazing pleasure and freedom in just being . . . ME! One I've never known before. Kay ( lovely woman in Florida I talk to ) says my "optimism is infectious" and you know, if it rubs off, even a little on everyone reading this I'll be a happy girl! I am a happy girl!!!

Something I wrote . . .

I recently left a comment on someone else's blog that I feel bears repeating here.

"Hey there! I know, EXACTLY how you feel. My ex, I call "him" Earl after the Dixie Chick's song "Goodbye Earl" is someone who hurt me so badly there are times I have wondered if I can go on with life.

I did not read what you wrote that you feel you have to apologize for, but you are entitled to give voice to your pain. It is part of the healing process, and healthy for you to do. Someone else doesn't like it, well they have my sympathy, but not my respect. Sympathy I dole out freely, respect on the other hand has to be earned.

Your apology was penned with feeling and depth I strongly suspect may have been lost on the person who most needed to read it. I know exactly how you feel, I am standing next to you scratching my head with a HOW COULD THEY look on my face.

I don't know if you lost this person because of the journey we share, or as was my case, for some completely stupid reason. When I met, and later married, Earl he knew about what was then my special little secret. We married anyway, not because I thought it was a "cure" as so many of us do, but because I really loved this person deeply.

Earl touched my life in a profound and special way, and I came to think that I didn't need to transition because if the one person I loved most knew me and treated me with love and respect life would be good.

Well, my Earl, a big time "momma's" boy down to the umpteenth decimal place sold me a line and I bought it, right down to the violence and pain he gave me for years before I finally stood up for myself. As if GD isn't enough to deal with, now thanks to Earl I have PTSD, GAD, and nearly life ending depression.

My mind knows better, really it does, after all NO ONE is worth killing yourself over. My heart and soul know such darkness and pain that the so called christian "Hell" sounds like a vacation spot. Freyja as my witness, I'm working hard to move forward and heal. There are however times when I wish things, feel things, that are less than nice.

I AM entitled to my feelings, I am allowed to give them voice, freedom from this cage that is my heart. I need to heal, to grow, to move on and not go into a suicidal tailspin everytime I get to close to a Bed, Bath and Beyond. I need to reach a point in my life where he's a distant memory, not a searing torch to my heart and soul.

You go girl! Hang in there it can ONLY GET BETTER!!!"

I feel like that is something about myself that I need to refer to once in a while, and thought I'd share it with anyone who wanders by!

Blogspam?!?!? Really what is the world coming to?

Take a look at the comments for Just for the record . . . I mean really? How desperate, or stupid can people be anyway??? That's just pathetic, spamming someone's blog?

Chris Crain is some kind of serious NUT!!!

Chris Crain is some kind of serious NUT!!! I mean really, some of the things that come out of his mouth make me want to lobby to have his membership card REVOKED! Membership to what? GLBT activism? ENDA activism? Nope, these are minor memberships compared to what I think should happen; his membership to the human race should be revoked!!! Shut this moron up once and for all, vote to have Chris Crain FIRED. Executive Editor my arse, he's a sensationalist soapbox speaker who likes to hear himself talk or see his particular brand of narish in print. He's a bigot of the worst kind, picks and chooses whom he approves of and damn the rest.

Last year he slammed the Trans community for hijacking ENDA?"ENDA gets trans-jacked" Really, then why is it that the HATE CRIMES bill passed a part of congress it never managed before? Larger cross section of effected constituents! More voters to risk pissing off, thus it went through.

Now he's back beating up on Tran folk AGAIN in "Trans or bust""‘Trans or bust’ is still a bust" which is so full of misinformation and outright stupidity that I'm amazed he hasn't been fired yet!

I've been a self proclaimed "Lesbian Trapped in a Man's body" my whole life which in two years when I FINALLY have corrective surgery will put me square in the cross hairs of any number of ignorant bigots like Chris. Sure I'm part of his protected class of people because I prefer women, or did, which now puts me right in the middle of the Bi demographic.

Great, so he's okay with me because I'm BI and thus entitled to protections he feels strongly about? WooHoo!!! Happy days are here again Chris Crain is okay with me because I'm part of a group whose rights get trampled and violated . . . . . . or am I?

I am also a Trans woman, which means I'm entitled to be picked on an excluded because I'm Trans? So which is it? Figures a man would come up with rules like that, I mean really all that testosterone just POISONS otherwise healthy minds with exclusive, competitive thinking. He should probably start on a detox program to help him beat back the "T" monster. Either that, or just adjust his balance some so that he understands the value of INCLUSION!!!

I used in the writing of this small words whenever possible, and kept the concepts simple so Chris Crain might have a better chance of understanding. His arguments are those of a sixth grader, so I’ve kept things simple . . .

Pity really, the “Free Press” has become anything but when idiots like Chris spew intolerant, discriminatory garbage and yet no-one is allowed to disagree with him. Ironically “Freedom of Press” USED to be a protected right, now it’s used as a weapon, controlled by folks with more money than brains, more attitude than compassion and more control than any dictatorial regime! Ooops, sorry Chris, “dictatorial regime” is over your head so I’ll dumb it down for you; the phrase refers to Tyrants who feel that they have the right to control everything and everyone and NO-ONE has any rights!

A piece from my 2005 diary.

So as I'm laying here trying to get off to sleep holding Jesse close I cannot help but think about how badly I want to be the one being held close. I think back to all those years ago trying to reach a compromise with Eral to hold him the way I wanted to be held, to love him the way I wanted to be loved and find some kind of balance. He wouldn't have anything to do with working together, to compromise in ourlife together. He is, in retrospect, one of the most supremely selfish people I've ever met. Me, I'm left to pick up the pieces of a life built on honesty of a sort, much hard work, ansd more pain than anyone person should have to endure.

I find myself in the dark longing for arms around me, the feel of my husbands body close to mine, the heat, the hard softness, the passion of someone's touch who loves me. I find myself wondering if I'll ever marry at this point and how I could bear to be with someone who's so different from me, a different dialect of the same language to screw things up more and a heart and mind wired so differently as to confound my abilities to understand.

I curse myselffor these desires because in spite of all the harm they have brought me in this life and others I am still attracted to men. My flesh betrays my heart and soul. My need for something like a normal relationship, warts and all, can rob me of a connection to a heart and mind I can really relat to, really share myself and my body with.

Is it really so wrong to hope that I can have a life, a family at this point in my life? What's wrong with wanting a simple life of home, hearth and family? What is wrong with wanting to have the wedding I've always dreamt of? With adopting a couple of girls and building a future together with someone I love who returns that love?

Why is it in the the time of death and pain, this end of as life so brightly began I even have the strength to consider such things? I don't understand really the needs I have for love making I've always hoped for even though I don't curretnly have the plumbing to support it? How is it I can be so conflicted? How can I want mental, emotional and spiritual connections that women are so used to, that I fear only a woman can provide and yet the physical contact of a man? How can physically I be drawn to creatures at once so attractive, the look, the smell (when they are clean and take good care of themselves) and strength yet at the same time be repulsed?

PP 80, 81, and 82 from the third book of my diary for 2005.

**** WARNING TRIGGERS ****

What is PTSD and Rape? PTSD is the ongoing invalidation and loss of self to the past. PTSD isn’t just the simple things like the finality of death. It’s the living death of those things ripped from your heart, your life, by heartless, selfish, insensitive men who violate our lives and bodies taking from us everything and nothing all at once.

RAPE is any act taken by someone else, against us, without our consent, is any contact with someone that treats us (woman) as chattle, property, less than human, less than people and with or without intent to cause pain or distress DOES cause pain or distress.

RAPE is being forced, or otherwise caused to suffer anything we don't want to, and any other definition is simply pure self serving bulls**t men use to claim it wasn't rape and they aren't reponsible.

RAPE is any act by an outside person or persons that causes me pain, leaves me feeling violated, dirty, humiliated, used, abused or discarded.

RAPE isn't just physical violation of my body, it's that and much more, its giving my heart to someone I love and trust, someone I belived loves and trusts me and having my heart, mind, body and soul violated and discarded. Used and thrown aside like a piece of garbage.

Men can never properly understand the pain, the finality of rape, of violence taken out on a woman’s life simply because they do not at the deepest level understand us, or how we feel about things. We (women) are sensitive, emotive creatures and texture is more than something felt with fingertips and skin.

Violence against our lives, our bodies, our hearts and souls leaves damage that takes a long time to heal and the slightest thing can in an instant reduce us to hysterical, sobbing, wretches that frighten men. Men just “suck it up” and get on with life and such displays are weakness and they simply cannot have that.

Rape will never be taken seriously by men because they cannot possibly understand it and expect us to get past it . . . “Come on Lady just grow up, you brought it on yourself.” OR “Well, what did you do to bring it on?” It is the very act of dismissing the violence and pain, the trauma, the invalidation of our suffering because it cannot easily be measured that is the nothing.

When a husband rapes his wife it is even worse because the assumption is we surrender ourselves, our bodies, to men as in property and have no right to complain or refuse something that is his right! Men marry for sex, babies and so on. . . We are nothing but servants, slaves, sex workers, and private whores. We are nothing and since they cannot of will not relate to what we feel it is as if it doesn’t exist.

I cannot even go near a Bed Bath & Beyond because it is one of a number of places my husband and I shared during our life together and while yes, it is a place where only good memories were formed it exists now as a part of a scab on my heart and soul covering the wound placed there by the violence, the betrayal, the violation of my heart, mind, body and soul.

He took everything from me when he left me after using me up and throwing me away like so much trash. It is the links and bonds that hold our lives together and make our history complete and continuous. By violating me and discarding me as a used and broken piece of property he has taken from me years of my life, years of memories, places and things and ruined them forever. Nearly a decade of my life is gone and even the good memories force me to remember the agony, the violence and this is everything.

I can be driving along and see something we’d both have laughed over – Now its like a bullet through my heart. Its not being able to go shopping without becoming hysterical and running from the building crying if I can even make it in to the store in the first place. Everything, everyone, makes me recoil in fear, pain, terror of it happening again.

My life has been forever changed and PTSD makes this so much worse because when the memories surface in nanoseconds I’m RELIVING the pain, the fear, the abuse and everything is gone. The ground I have gained trying to heal is taken from me. I’m back in that place with Earl screaming in my face or demanding sex the way he wants. It’s his hands beating me, his eyes filled with anything from contempt to rage and hatred boring into me, through me. It’s the feelings, the texture, the taste, the smells, the light, sound, tone of voice and so many other things that in a nanosecond ends my life once again.

PTSD is like dying a slow horrible death at the hands of a horrible, evil person intent on inflicting intense pain and then when you think it’s over, think you can crawl into the loving embrace and peace of death because it’s finally over, you find instead you have been resurrected only to have to go through it all over again, and again, and again. . .

. . . and again . . .

. . . and again . . .

. . . and again . . .

. . . and again . . .

. . . and every time you go through it the pain is every bit as real, every bit as dangerous and damaging so that when you are done you never want to have to go through that ever again. You are left drained, soaked in sweat and in pain, tired of being treated this way. You want it to stop and it gets to the point that death makes sense because it will, you think, finally end the pain.

Treatments for this takes time, there are drugs that can mask, minimize some of the body’s reactions to things even numb ones heart, mind and soul so that living isn’t constant agony. But, it’s a fine line between being drugged into a flat state, a pain free life that is that way by virtue of the fact that you can no longer feel anything!!! This is not living either SURVIVAL means finding new ways to live and means time to heal enough to be able to leave the house, go to the store, meet people and talk to them, maybe even work.

This all takes time and so much hard work that it’s the only “fulltime job” you’ll have for a while. Like I said, medication can help block some of this, can help ease the depression enough to keep one from ending the pain. It can help one get back and forth to Doctors and Therapists who first have to understand what you are dealing with before they can help you learn new ways to deal with, you guessed it, everything and nothing.

Samantha . . .

Well here's a shock, my brain is female. I never would have guessed it . . .

Your Brain is 93.33% Female, 6.67% Male

You have the brain of a girly girl Which isn't a bad thing at all You're emphatetic, caring, and in tune with emotions. You're a good friend and give great advice.

What Gender Is Your Brain?

This is one of a number of online "gender" tests that has said exactly the same thing!

Just for the record . . .

. . . I think "coalition building" that is all male focused is something of a bad idea! I'm a member of a number of online support groups for survivers of domestic violence, one member, who runs his own group, sent out a message to everyone looking to build a "coalition" so that people from different walks of life can get together and fight for human rights. (I thought the HRC was doing that?) He invited everyone to join HIS group as a central point for "Politically Active Familes" however the description is for "Politically Active Dads" and reads as follows;


"Politically Active Families", takes direct political action to fight for "family friendly" politicians. Key Search words: Fathers Rights, Dads, Men's Rights, Access, Custody, Support, Visitation, Divorce, Separation, Mens Health, Shared Parenting, Equal Parenting, Joint Physical Custody, Children's Rights, Domestic Violence, Child Abuse, Marriage, Common Law Relationships, Family Court Reform, Family Law, Mediation, Fathers 4 Justice, F4J, Parenting, Men's Issues, Non-custodial Parents, Moms, Child Abduction, Gay Fathers, Gay Dads, Lesbian Mothers, Adoption, Grandparent's Rights, Civil Rights, Parents, Grandfathers, Grandmothers, Judicial Law Reform, Youth Rights, Gender Wars, Missing Children, Men's Movement, Equality, Blended Families, Children of Divorce, Dads in Family Court, Civil Rights, Human Rights, and Fathering.
Contact Wayne Cook at waynevcook@rogers.com for more information.


Further searching indicated this person has put together a series of 60 some odd groups that are the inverse of his "coalition building" concept and each features the SAME text as above.

I have issues with "coalition building" that basically ignores women and our feelings, rights, and lives.

Okay, I'm officially pissed now!!!

Having been hospitalized TWICE recently because of the madness and mayhem Earl is getting away with because my lawyers are idiots not withstanding, I'm seriously getting tired of how women are treated around here!!! Case in point, Earl has managed to do so much damage to me that I spend far too much of my time in fear of what is going to happen next, terrified another shoe will drop squishing me like a bug ending my life.

Today I find out about a woman who's husband went to a doctor, CONVINCED him his wife needs to be medicated and controlled, and HE IS DOING IT!!! Didn't give this poor woman a chance to talk about it, defend herself, nothing, take these and present yourself for a blood test every week or we are going to commit you against your will to a mental hospital!

I'm sorry, when did Hitler get elected president? I thought that frelling NUTTER was dead!!!!!!! I mean really folks who the frell comes up with these kinds of things? Since when can a husband play doctor like that and WHY???????

I know our country is in trouble, I get that, there are whackos out there re-writing history and undermining OUR constitution on a daily basis, slowly trying to turning our country in to a theocracy, I get that. I also understand the country is so divided and blind that they just might get away with it.

Now to find out there are, I repeat THERE ARE, places in our country where ONE HUSBAND can legally take away ALL of a woman's rights, right here, right now, without so much as a how do YOU FEEL??????? Come on, we have to wake up, we have to fight, we have to stand together and say NO, THIS CANNOT BE ALLOWED to happen!!!!!!!

Talk about making one nuts . . .

So Friday they let me leave the hospital under three conditions;

1.) I not be alone, I had to call my Sister-in-law, who is also my roommate, to confirm she'd keep an eye on me over the weekend,

2.) I'd fill the perscription for Xanax they gave me, and take it until,

3.) I call the local out-paitent mental health place FIRST THING Monday and schedule and appointment. So I head back to the townhouse, met Ellie in the car on the way over to the hospital and waited.

So I called, first thing Monday, I spoke to Tracy at this place who spent half an hour trying to convince me to go back to the hospital and admit myself until they can see me. I managed to get her to skip the idea of going for admission and she said I'd be assinged to a Maria. Maria wasn't in, so she'd have to call me back later. Later turned out to be Tuesday and while I liked her right off,the first scheduled appointement would be JUNE 4th. She suggested I get the Xanax refilled until thier Doctor could see me and give me something else.

The hospital, after playing switchboard tag informed me they do not refill PERIOD, see my Doctor. I said my doctor said to see you UNTIL I could be seen . . . I called Maria back, she said you are STILL thier paitent, and I should go back over there. The main desk said see the folks in the ED, they said take a number and wait. On top of everything else, the lowest dosage was too strong for me, left me a complete Zombie.

So, if you are ever going to take Xanax, keep in mind Estrogen AND Prilosec both conspire to make the Xanax more powerful. Great!!! Zombie!!! So I cut the dose in half after the first day, zombie woman is gone! So I waited, and they called me in . . .

Oh, yes Ms. Q*****, Estrogen and Pilosec will make it stronger, we just couldn't get you anything different since this is already the lowest dosage around. What? You cut them in half? Oh well yeah that could work but we cannot tell you that. Oh, not going to be seen by the doctor for several weeks, okay here's 12 more . . .

In any case I didn't need to keep taking them, so the extra ED visit was an expensive pain in the rear . . .

I'm a lucky Girl, I'm a lucky Girl, I'm a lucky Girl, I'm a lucky Girl, I'm a lucky Girl, I'm a lucky Girl, I'm a lucky Girl, I'm a lucky Girl, I'm a lucky Girl, I'm a lucky Girl, I'm a lucky Girl, I hope if I say it often enough while clicking my heals together I'll finally be lucky!?!

So I really think I need to spend more time here . . .

I couldn't take it anymore, I just lost it, and checked into the local ER because I couldn't stop crying. I was done, over, finished, couldn't take any more pain, shouldn't have to, and knew that if I didn't do something positive RIGHT THEN and there, I wouldn't live to see the weekend. The scariest part of it all is being a TS Woman had NOTHING to do with it.

I really don't think of myself as a TS or TG anything. I'm a woman, I am trying to have some kind of life and I cannot handle all the expectations that folks keep throwing on me. My ex has taken EVERYTHING, and still people expect things, money, etc from me. When I say NO; I get abuse.

When I ask for help on the other hand the entire damn world is more than happy to tell ME know and when, IF I ask why; I get abuse.

So I was done, I was going home because it just isn't worth it, I have enough pain in my life to start with without people giving me more. Life post-ascension ins't all clouds and angles, BUT it isn't this insufferably STUPID and there are checks and balances in place and REAL FREE WILL . . .

Thank God and Godess for the folks at the hospital, they saved my life!

About children . . .

So back in September of 2004 9/25/04 I wrote about children and not rushing. The issues I mentioned then notwithstanding I have another obstacle standing between me and possible offspring. Fertility! I've been on HRT now long enough that the chances of being able to have children have probably vanished. Estrogen alone has a significant effect on sperm production and will reduce output, combined with Spiro, well I'd say even if I stopped now (which would probably result in my death) there's little chance I'd be able to do much.

Quite honestly I'm at the point that HRT is keeping me alive and stable mentally and emotionally. I KNOW myself, I remember what life was like before HRT, what I could handle, how I felt and dealt with those feelings. The problems I have in my life now are SO MUCH worse than anything I went through back before HRT and I was too close to suicide back then.

In other news, my lawyer has given me the okay to increase pressure on the creatures responsible for the madness and mayhem in my life. I'm starting with a letter to Earl, from there it is going to get very, very ugly for them. I hate that I have to resort to this, hate that I'm going to have to start acting like the "trailer trash" they have claimed from day one that I am, and hate having to go on the offensive intentionally taking steps that I KNOW will cause all three of them pain.

My letter to Earl was simple, a vague warning to instruct his lawyer to settle in the most general terms. In thinking about it as I write this I'm going to send a carefully worded letter to his parents too. It will come as a complete shock to them, and probably make me even less popular than I already am. Well it sucks to be them I guess. I'm even likely to send the letters to someone on my list of people who are close to them with a plea to have them take it seriously.

I'm getting closer I think to ready to start putting serious effort into my first book. I was reminded today of my dreams for a wedding and how much it meant to me. I'm a romantic at heart and had, HAVE this dream for a wedding that I think is going to be a perfect start to the book. Now that I know how it's going to start, and end, it's going to be much easier to write the whole thing.

Now this is getting interesting . . .

So time ago I start working on a serious transition and after months of herbals and patches that for me were only marginally effective I started on sublingual tablets and a blocker. My plan was to take things slowly and work my way up to "standard" TS doses over the course of a year or more. I wanted to give my body the opportunity to change and adjust to the switch from the minor amounts of Testosterone I had, to being primarily Estrogen based. The begining of April I stepped up the the next logical dosage on my list a bit earlier than I'd originally planed but based on the way my system was responding I didn't see any possible problems.

What I experienced however was a major surprise and has me seriously wondering. First for those who don't know, the "standard" feminizing dose of Estrogen for a TS woman is in the range of 2-8mgs a day with 100-300mgs of blocker. I'm on dramatically less than this, and in less time, I'm already having sgnificant growth in all areas. My hips, butt, breasts and even face are starting to change, and while I love it, I'm very pleasantly surprised.

Without question I have serious growth going on, what I do not understand is how? Such a small dose and yet this? One of these days I'll be able to get to a doctor and get some bloods run to know for certain what's going on. My personal hunch is that I'm intersexed or something close. Would have been nice to have before HRT bloods run to know for certain, but extrapolating back from whatever I find when I do get them tested I'll know more.

This is getting cool!!!

Well the core of my new electrolysis provider lookup system is built, tested and working! I've even gone as far as adding support for an adserver because it has alawys been part of the plan. Just a bit more work and it can go live! The Prototype is located at: http://www.massagefinder.org/electro/

In other news, by this time tommorrow there will be an actual picture in my profile, I'm going over to Long Island NY for a make over and a photoshoot! Going to be really cool! I am really looking forward to this!

Nearly a month now and she's taking another step . . .

. . . forward! I've been taking 500mcg of Estrofem since the begining of the month with great success and decided it was time to move up a step. So, three days ago I increased to 1mg a day and doubled my dose of blocker. The result, I feel great! I'm making my way further along this path I'm on and each step I take is better than the last one before. I didn't anticipate the the increased dosage of Estrogen would make so big an improvement, I am however pleased it has! My creativity, sensitivity, feelings, and sense of general well being have increased. I'm slowly moving up to "standard" doses, and looking forward to getting there, transition or not Estrogen is a wonderful substance . . .

Stepping things up just a bit now!

The Estogen patch for me is on the one hand a great idea, on the other hand having to replace them more often than I should because they don't stick is a real pain. So much so that I've switched to sublingual's tables which also gave me a big boost in strength. The Climara patches were 50mcgs per day and eventually I'd have stepped it up and up to where I should be. The sublinguals cut down (I started with 2mg tablets) into four pieces give me 500mcgs per day, eventaully I'll step up further to something closer to "normal" mtf doses.

In the meantime between months on high doses of herbals, and low doses of Climara I'm a B cup which is cool, but amazing too since I'd not expected any growth this early. Now with the higher doses, I'm actually starting to feel growth going on, which is also very cool!

Everyone is different, so I don't want anyone reading this to think that you'll have the same results. I've always needed less of anything to get the same results as everyone else, so your mileage WILL vary! The most important thing to remember is that slow and steady wins the race!

Me think she doth protest too much . . .

Sometime ago I wrote several pages in my offline diary about how and why women in general, and transsexual women in particular can wind up as lesbians. Me, I WAS firmly convinced for DECADES that should I ever get to this point in my life, I too would be a confirmed Lesbian.

Last month at the very first support group I'd ever attended one of the Women there couldn't understand HOW any TS woman could be a lesbian. She shuddered just thinking about it, and went into great detail about how she was looking forward to losing her virginity. She was PostOp and healed up nicely, just looking for "Mr. Right" to take her gently into her new sex life.

Well it was that whole line of thinking that lead me to two pages in my diary on the subject and of course my plan to share this with her during the next meeting. Never one to do things halfway I've been thinking about the issue further, wishing to make sure I've covered all the different angles and consider everyone else's opinions on the subject I realized something interesting and not the least bit "frightening" in a good way.

I too am looking forward to being held, kissed, caressed and more! Yes, that's right after DECADES of being something of a "man hating lesbian" to the point of having people call me that LONG before they ever knew my "little secret", I'm looking forward to possibly finding "Mr. Right" myself. Surprise, surprise, surprise!

Some how on the road time finally becoming myself, on finally being whole, complete and somewhat "normal" I've found out some very interesting things about myself. On such being that while yes, I still have a nice healthy lesbian attraction to Women, I find myself looking at Men differently. Suddenly these "Vile, testosterone poisoned creatures jumping up and down on the table pounding thier hairy chests grunting" don't look and smell as bad as they used to and THAT really amuses me. Talk about poetic justice, talk about how life can and does change in the most amazing ways! Here I am, the conflicted soul who while still in the closet had a Women break up with me because I was a "Radical Lesbian Feminist" and to out about it for her comfort, looking forward to having a man inside the vagina I don't have yet.

Katie broke up with me because she wasn't ready for her folks to find out she was a lesbian, and I would have "outted" her to her parents if they met me. I argued that my views were perfectly normal for a man and might be considered mildly homophobic if anything. Mind you I was still fighting my own inner turmoil and certainly NOT out to her or anyone else at the time, but I was a "guy" or so I kept saying. I couldn't possibly be a Lesbian I argued, I had the wrong plumbing!!!

Today on the other hand while if, several years from now my vagina and I have a much closer relationship than we do now happen to find "Ms. Right" I won't hesitate to fully and completely enjoy a serious LTR with her, "Mr. Right" isn't going to be a problem either! Certainly won't be any issue should marriage become a serious concept over WHO gets to wear the wedding dress!

I don't know if it is the effect of the shift in hormone balance in my system, or just finally being fully and completely "out of the closet", but I can certainly understand where Carol is coming from. One of these days, yes, I'd LOVE to find myself on my back, legs in the air panting and well you get the general idea!

Newest version

Now she's gone and done it, again!

There are a plethora of symbols out there for just about everything, and some very talented woman have come up with others that I really like, but I'm against theft of others creativity. So, I've come up with something that is to my knowledge uniquely my own, something that really speaks to me, and will to anyone else who understands my journey a bit. Women who are going down the same path, or who have been there will understand this symbol perfectly!

In other news, while checking out how things are measured and why, I found that even with my fairly low doses of estrogen I'm having some breast development! So this evening I went a bought a couple of bras to get started with, one small step for a woman, but a great one.

I'm Transsexual and I'm Proud!

I'm Transsexual and I'm Proud!
So I'm really finding myself in an interesting position. I'm fond of rules and regulations within certain limitations, but never thought I'd find myself so at odds with things that I'd really see the point. Okay so I'm babbling, here is were I am;The standards of care say that I have to be ready to check out before I'd continue life as I have for 34 years. I've been on my journey for some time now, and until recently I had not considered things to be so bad a great change would be required. Now on however I cannot see why I should or need to continue such a rediculous sharade.I've been doing so much reading, following journey, trials, tribulations and victories of Sisters, and have come to reconsider much of my thinking. Yes, there is unquestionably work in front of me regardless of where and how I take my life, but there is no reason I should cave and take a path of continued suffering and unhappiness.I'm honored to find myself in the company of some of the most amazing women in the world. Women who in spite of outrageous odds and presures have struggled to bring thier dreams to reality. Women who represent the true beauty, grace and very essence of what it means to BE a woman. Women who have showed me, by sharing thier journeys with me, that the light at the end of the tunnel can be whatever you make of it.So in the spirit in which it was intended I "stand" before all assembled and proclaim:

I'm Transsexual And I'm Proud.

Dr. Becky, you are an amazing woman and you stand next to many others I've come to consider Sisters. In http://www.drbecky.com/sayitloud.html Dr. Becky uses some wonderful images to bring home a subtle but amazing point. I have spent 34 years that I can directly recall living a lie that was, is, making my life a huge mess. Why in the name of God and Goddess would I want to step into living another, different lie? Why would I want to invest so much time, effort, energy and my life into fixing one lie only to then burry myself in another.
More to follow of course, for the moment however I'm pleased to report I'm laying down plans for transition and will one day reach a level of completness I have only dreamt of till now. I am a Woman, and one day such will be plainly obvious to anyone who looks at me. I will also still be a transsexual Woman. Someone who has invested in her own life in so significant fashion as to be beyond reproach. Humanity can learn from us, people can learn from us, after all we learn from each other.
I owe lovely Women both known and less known a huge debt of gratitude, my very life even for helping me find the strength and temerity to hold my head up and shout out:

I'm Transsexual And I'm Proud.

So many things I'm NOT going to miss about "outdoor" plumbing . . .

I've had "outdoor" plumbing now for longer than I ever really wanted it, and it quite honestly gets in the way of everything. Sitting, standing, lying, walking, biking doesn't matter what I'm doing, this extra equipment is in the way of everything.

The design of what I'm going to wind up with is greatly more efficient. Nothing to squish, pinch, or otherwise adjust no matter what I'm doing.

Suddenly things become so much more clear . . .

I figured out this morning much to my genuine surprise that 43 some odd years ago, right before she was married, my Mother-in-law was raped. Someone she'd allowed to get too close thinking she could "control" them took advantage of her either emotionally, physically or both. This had many of the usual effects seen in most rape victims, myself included, but for her included a psychotic break and a freeze of her world view. She's thus trapped in that part of her life, judging everything and everyone against that now long since gone "map" of values. She'd also tightened her CONTROL of the universe around her to the current pathologically unsound levels that are slowly destroying her family.

This all explains fundamentally EVERYTHING that has gone on up to this point, and makes as much sense as anything else.

To paraphrase someone I know . . .

Hit 'em with a rock, take the rock home!

There are just SOME people who make me wish periodically such things were okay. Texas for example "approves" of killings in the interest of the greater good. A cup or two of chlorine in the gene pool every now and then is a good thing! In Texas, if you can prove that someone really needed killing, you can (and people have) quite litterally get away with murder!

Wow, what a concept eh?

So I've been missing now for a while because, well life happens. Christmas, Yule, Channuka, all came and went pretty quietly, and then 2005 steamed in. Mellow and sublime, the high point of my very first day of the new year was getting dressed, couifed, putting on some pretty bad makeup and heading out to a meeting (my first ever) of the local chapter of Transgender Renasiance. Went over to the Washington Crossing, NJ chapter and met a bunch of lovely women, sat around and talked for several hours and was made very welcome by one and all!

Assuming I'm still in New Jersey come next month, I'll head back over there again.

In the meantime, the madness and mayhem with Earl continues, after agreeing months ago to pay to have his stuff moved into a storage facility he has yet to pay the bills. So here I've gone and laid out money I didn't have in the first place to do all this, and now he expects to know where his stuff is? Frell that I say! I'll take all his stuff out of storage and give it away before I allow him to further use and abuse me!

Okay, so now I'm sounding like a bitter old shrew, but I mean really?!? What does a decent person have to do around here to get some respect and common decency?