Friday, January 21, 2005

Me think she doth protest too much . . .

Sometime ago I wrote several pages in my offline diary about how and why women in general, and transsexual women in particular can wind up as lesbians. Me, I WAS firmly convinced for DECADES that should I ever get to this point in my life, I too would be a confirmed Lesbian.

Last month at the very first support group I'd ever attended one of the Women there couldn't understand HOW any TS woman could be a lesbian. She shuddered just thinking about it, and went into great detail about how she was looking forward to losing her virginity. She was PostOp and healed up nicely, just looking for "Mr. Right" to take her gently into her new sex life.

Well it was that whole line of thinking that lead me to two pages in my diary on the subject and of course my plan to share this with her during the next meeting. Never one to do things halfway I've been thinking about the issue further, wishing to make sure I've covered all the different angles and consider everyone else's opinions on the subject I realized something interesting and not the least bit "frightening" in a good way.

I too am looking forward to being held, kissed, caressed and more! Yes, that's right after DECADES of being something of a "man hating lesbian" to the point of having people call me that LONG before they ever knew my "little secret", I'm looking forward to possibly finding "Mr. Right" myself. Surprise, surprise, surprise!

Some how on the road time finally becoming myself, on finally being whole, complete and somewhat "normal" I've found out some very interesting things about myself. On such being that while yes, I still have a nice healthy lesbian attraction to Women, I find myself looking at Men differently. Suddenly these "Vile, testosterone poisoned creatures jumping up and down on the table pounding thier hairy chests grunting" don't look and smell as bad as they used to and THAT really amuses me. Talk about poetic justice, talk about how life can and does change in the most amazing ways! Here I am, the conflicted soul who while still in the closet had a Women break up with me because I was a "Radical Lesbian Feminist" and to out about it for her comfort, looking forward to having a man inside the vagina I don't have yet.

Katie broke up with me because she wasn't ready for her folks to find out she was a lesbian, and I would have "outted" her to her parents if they met me. I argued that my views were perfectly normal for a man and might be considered mildly homophobic if anything. Mind you I was still fighting my own inner turmoil and certainly NOT out to her or anyone else at the time, but I was a "guy" or so I kept saying. I couldn't possibly be a Lesbian I argued, I had the wrong plumbing!!!

Today on the other hand while if, several years from now my vagina and I have a much closer relationship than we do now happen to find "Ms. Right" I won't hesitate to fully and completely enjoy a serious LTR with her, "Mr. Right" isn't going to be a problem either! Certainly won't be any issue should marriage become a serious concept over WHO gets to wear the wedding dress!

I don't know if it is the effect of the shift in hormone balance in my system, or just finally being fully and completely "out of the closet", but I can certainly understand where Carol is coming from. One of these days, yes, I'd LOVE to find myself on my back, legs in the air panting and well you get the general idea!

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