Friday, November 11, 2005

Something I wrote . . .

I recently left a comment on someone else's blog that I feel bears repeating here.

"Hey there! I know, EXACTLY how you feel. My ex, I call "him" Earl after the Dixie Chick's song "Goodbye Earl" is someone who hurt me so badly there are times I have wondered if I can go on with life.

I did not read what you wrote that you feel you have to apologize for, but you are entitled to give voice to your pain. It is part of the healing process, and healthy for you to do. Someone else doesn't like it, well they have my sympathy, but not my respect. Sympathy I dole out freely, respect on the other hand has to be earned.

Your apology was penned with feeling and depth I strongly suspect may have been lost on the person who most needed to read it. I know exactly how you feel, I am standing next to you scratching my head with a HOW COULD THEY look on my face.

I don't know if you lost this person because of the journey we share, or as was my case, for some completely stupid reason. When I met, and later married, Earl he knew about what was then my special little secret. We married anyway, not because I thought it was a "cure" as so many of us do, but because I really loved this person deeply.

Earl touched my life in a profound and special way, and I came to think that I didn't need to transition because if the one person I loved most knew me and treated me with love and respect life would be good.

Well, my Earl, a big time "momma's" boy down to the umpteenth decimal place sold me a line and I bought it, right down to the violence and pain he gave me for years before I finally stood up for myself. As if GD isn't enough to deal with, now thanks to Earl I have PTSD, GAD, and nearly life ending depression.

My mind knows better, really it does, after all NO ONE is worth killing yourself over. My heart and soul know such darkness and pain that the so called christian "Hell" sounds like a vacation spot. Freyja as my witness, I'm working hard to move forward and heal. There are however times when I wish things, feel things, that are less than nice.

I AM entitled to my feelings, I am allowed to give them voice, freedom from this cage that is my heart. I need to heal, to grow, to move on and not go into a suicidal tailspin everytime I get to close to a Bed, Bath and Beyond. I need to reach a point in my life where he's a distant memory, not a searing torch to my heart and soul.

You go girl! Hang in there it can ONLY GET BETTER!!!"

I feel like that is something about myself that I need to refer to once in a while, and thought I'd share it with anyone who wanders by!

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