Friday, November 11, 2005


I may not make sense in what I have to say here, but I feel like saying it anyway? More's the pity I feel like sharing it with everyone! I won't lie to myself or anyone here, MY LIFE SUCKS! Yup, full on sucks so bad the Christian version of HELL sounds like a vacation spot right about now. Why? Because I wouldn't have anything to worry about there. It would suck outright and not be sneaky about it, I could put it out of my mind as what IS and get on with enjoying the suffering. No demands, unrealistic expectations, no drive to BE someone I'm not, comparatively no pressure, and well no sneaky, reaches up to strangle the life out of me, pain! Just real, honest to goodness suffering for the sake of pain. I can groove with that, really. It would sure beat the heck out of this hell I'm in, not being able to go anywhere, do anything, or spend time with friends I don't have because I live in terror of an attack.

What kind? Pain, sorrow, despair, and mind numbing terror that it will get worse. For the record, Gender Dysphoria is cake compared to PTSD, GAD, and Depression, cake, I mean give me a second helping this is so good kind of cake. Cake so good I don't care if it goes straight to my waist and I become this wide, round, chick who needs to have the doors widened kind of round. Give me more I say!

So what the frell is this woman blathering about? Well, it goes like this, in spite of how badly my life sucks right now I'm deliriously happy! In public service we used to have an acronym for a phrase we could not, because of FCC rules, utter on the air. Well, THEY still use it I'm certain, and it is WTFO? WTFO in case someone reads this who cannot parse it out themselves stands for "What The Fuck OVER?"

Okay, so here's this woman who's been back and forth to hell so often, Satan has given to her, her very own Gulfstream 5 aircraft. You know, to make commuting easier, to make the lure, the temptation of just moving into a garden spot of suffering and being done with it that much easier. Why, because the price of JP5 to power the damn jet is so high, I have to take out a whole new mortgage on my soul with a higher interest rate every time I want to make the trip. I mean that's some gig "he's" got going on down there, and something I think the union rep needs to take to management. Sure, hell is terrible, suffering a plenty, just utterly hideous, but it pales in comparison to life topside so much that like I said, hell is a garden spot.

In spite of all that I'm so happy today I just feel like sharing it, because I'm always saying when someone manages to see some of what I'm going through and shrugs, that I want some of what they are taking. So here it is folks, happiness overflowing from this poor mixed up soul who is babbling about the joys and wonders of GD. Why am I SO HAPPY? Well it started yesterday really, no probably Sunday with the two glasses of wine and a request of help from my brother-in-law. Yesterday it just got better, and today, well the NRC has called out an alert and they are not sending the men in white with a rubber truck and butterfly nets because burying me in one hundred tons of lead and titanium on the moon sounds safer to them. Hey, didn't they get the memo? Didn't they watch "Space 1999" all those years ago? Sure, bury radioactive materials on the moon, rightieO, and off it goes into space from the explosion. Anyway, happiness, Gender Dysphoria, the same place and time? WTFOver? Right, been there done that.

So, Sunday Tony admits to me that he screwed up his anniversary big time last year and he needs my help. Unsaid, but certainly understood was his reasoning; 1) I talk to my sister several times a week, 2) I'm a woman, so I know these things, and can help him give my sister an anniversary SHE'LL appreciate because he loves her even if he doesn't understand her. Wow, honesty, like that, FROM . . . A . . . MAN??? Okay, one last load of JP5 and I'm taking the plane back to hell and staying there! I mean really, a guy asking for help and admitting that a woman understands these things better? Especially the SAME woman he walked up to and said ". . . cut your hair, and your nails YOU ARE NOT a girl, get over it!!!" Wow, acceptance, from HIM??? Not just acceptance, but finding, and admitting that I had some value as a woman, oh my G-d the validation was enough to put me in shock!!!

From there it only got worse, I sent him an e-mail and outlined some ideas to make the anniversary really special, meaningful and, AND inexpensive too! He didn't even question me, he was amazed, shocked even that something so simple could mean so much! Men, always thinking things need to be harder than they should be. Used to be I'd snort in disgust with this superiour attitude that said "Hah, men aren't worth bothering with because they are like retarded, obnoxious children!" I've since gotten over that attitude with the help of one of my other sisters, and you know, I'm a much better woman for it!

Which brings me, in not so simple a fashion to yesterday. I spent hours chatting with a total stranger on the Internet who was kind, attentive, patient, good to talk to, and MALE!!! Shit, I should have gone back to hell sooner, now it's too late because it just froze over! Thirty six years I've spent hating them, bashing them, talking trash about them every chance I could and now I spent four hours with one and enjoyed it? I say again; WTFO?!?!?!? I've never been able to talk to one for more than sixty seconds because, well, I never really knew how. I just could not talk to men and I chalked it up to the whole gender divide thing. They were male, I wasn't, case closed, they could no more understand me, than I could them, why bother. Why indeed??? Mind you he did the whole, I found your profile on the net, have some intelligent questions about this hypnosis thing to cover the fact that he was flirting, WITH ME!!! He asked for a picture, and sent me his, we talked for FOUR HOURS.

I felt so free, so liberated, so happy that Ellie said last night I was beaming. Mind you this was after she spent some time singing "Samantha's got a boyfriend!!!" in glee poking some well intentioned fun at me. What did we talk about? Oh my, a bit of everything from FOOD, to TV, to Hobbies, to CARS and of course Hypnotherapy. It was great, a casual, friendly, slightly frisky and fun honest to goodness conversation! He was amazed I knew anything about cars at all, let alone appreciated nice ones, and at the same time apologized when I said I hated NOISY, SMOKY BEASTS that waste fuel, pollute the air and environment, and hurt my hears, let alone the general level of annoyance at such a testosterone driven display of power for the sake of power. He managed to do so without being negative or condescending about women even as he said it was cool I liked cars even though I'm "a girl!" Wow, rock my world baby. I like him. Yup, I like him enough that I don't immediately think EWWWW, "he's one of those!!!" like he has a horrible disease or something. Not once did I apologize for being female, for thinking, feeling and being who I am. A woman with her own heart, mind, likes, dislikes, feelings and opinions, one who is always polite, but not shy about sharing them! Never came up, he liked my picture, seemed to like me and just accepted the fact that I was a woman. Damn!!! Talk about walking on air for a change.

So last night it hit me. Just like a truck on a foggy, pitch dark night! Wham, I was, I am, can it be? HAPPY?!?!?!?!? No way, I mean really, we know how much my life sucks, what could I possibly be happy about? Being me is what!!! I'm far enough into transition that I've long since given up trying to hide it, trying to deny it, or trying to rationalize it all away as some sort of escape from how much I've been used, hurt and just generally a complete failure as a man. Of COURSE I'm a complete failure as a man, I'm not a man, never have been, never really could be simply because . . . Wait for it . . . I AM A WOMAN!!! Hey I've given as good as I got, better sometimes, and stuck out the lie longer than I should have. I've done things no men can do, and plan to keep on doing them because no MAN can. Doesn't make me better, worse, or anything else, I'm just a woman making my way through life.

Today I got up, made a simple breakfast, and a lunch that was as yummy as it was unusual. Bacon, Garlic, and Cheese omen with green beens sauted in garlic on the side and a tall cold glass of lemonaid! Better still, I cooked it all in one pan, and reserved some of the garlic and evoo on the side to cook the omelet in. Yes, the same garlic and evoo I cooked the beens in! Damn, talk about good!!! I've spent the day reading blogs, e-mail and writing blogs and e-mail. I relaxed a bit today for a change. Sure, my sucky life will be there when I get back to it, being a woman isn't going to suddenly, magically cure all that ails me.

Being ME is, however, eventually going to cure all that ails me, and the only thing better than admitting that I'm a woman and need to transition and be done with it is LIVING IT! No more hiding behind a lie for the sake of fitting someone else's narrow minded version of reality. No more HIDING, LYING, trying desperately to be someone I could never be. Something tells me that I put half again as much energy into my new life, as I did the old one, coupled with honesty and the freedom to be me, and I'm going to have a great life!!! Yes, transition cures something, my irrational need to be someone else, to need to live in self imposed pain and misery because I bought lock, stock and barrel the line of bull the world sold me for years! I'm reveling in being happy right now, feeling "normal" and comparatively healthy. GD is not, I say again NOT some mental disorder, not even close. It is, in my case, a series of tasks that I need to do to cut down on confusion and make me physically a bit more comfortable. The hardest part is over, I AM WOMAN, the rest are some things I need to do when I can afford them, just like a new wardrobe.

I'm done, it's over, I AM WOMAN and I'm NEVER, EVER going back to Men's country to suffer a silent agony of not being allowed to be me! I spent thirty six or so years in prison for a "crime" I did not commit, and I'm NOT EVER going back. There's an amazing pleasure and freedom in just being . . . ME! One I've never known before. Kay ( lovely woman in Florida I talk to ) says my "optimism is infectious" and you know, if it rubs off, even a little on everyone reading this I'll be a happy girl! I am a happy girl!!!


Ellie :) said...

Your blog left me smiling! (BIG grin) :)

Samantha said...

Wow, that's it? I thought you might have something more to say! I'm glad I left you smiling though! :-o)