Friday, December 19, 2008

I have a tree...

I find this amazing. An actual Christmas tree. I have to put it up, but it's in my house right now. This is the first time in more years than I care to count, I'd have to guess at least twenty though, that I have a Christmas Tree. This feels like progress to me, like something of a return to something like a "normal life" and I'm going to enjoy it. Once I get it up, I'll put a picture up here, for no other reason than I can, and I wish to!

Tonight was dinner and a movie night with family. As usual we had a great time. Quiet, relaxing, peaceful and fun. Well expect for the one point when my namesake was unhappy about something, but come on, he's just one. I think he's entitled. 99% of the time he's a prince. Though watching him eat Cappelini is always fun. Val picked him up after dinner, stood him in the sink, and hosed him off. It was a smart move on her part.

I don't know why, but with the progress I've made in the last several years, I was thinking about having a home of my own, and maybe someone to share it with on the way home. Which is when my brain kinda locked up again. Regardless of who, or what kind of plumbing they have, my heart and soul yearns to have someone to call my own close to me. By the same token my heart, mind, body and soul recoil in horror at the thought. Let someone that close ever again? Aloow someone to touch me? Regrettably the consensus is still a line right out of the movie "Princes Bride" from a while back. Wesley and Buttercup have made it out of the forest and are surrounded by Humperdink, Count Rogan (the six fingered man) and his men. Humperdink gives Wesley the choice, "Surrender or Die." His responce:

"Death First!"

Yeah that still pretty much sums up my overall feelings about letting someone that close to me. Which is why I'm thrilled to have family and friends that love me, care about my happiness and health, but otherwise don't hurt me.

So that has me concerned. The good news however is I have a Christmas Tree. It's even upright, with some lights on it right this moment glowing softly saying "You've come a long way baby..."

Long indeed. This is the first Christmas tree I've had since I lived at home with my folks now that I think of it, and that was back in the late seventies.

So the world may not be perfect, and I'm still far from it, but I have a tree that stands for me right now as a symbol of hope. Of Hope, and survival, because I've held on and made it here.

My life is right with family and friends, both here and in the "real world" whatever, where ever that is. So I'm going to count this as such a win, something of a miracle in my life given where I've been. This my friends is the first Christmas of the rest of my life. And I'm going to tell you it's going to be a much better life than I have lived before.

Wow, Jenny Boylan said we need to write our stories. You know, I think I can start now. I really think I can. So, my first, perhaps my only new years resolution is to start on a memoir. Not an autobiography, just a memoir, ironically enough that's just what this months Reader's Digest suggested doing. I've already got a title picked out, and I have a good idea of what I'm going to talk about.

So, couple days early, but Merry Christmas everyone, and good night America, where ever you are! This is crazy Aunt Sam, filling in tonight for Jack Killian at KJCM in San Fransisco.


alan said...

I may not be "close" but that doesn't mean I haven't come to love you...

and I'm very happy you have your first Christmas tree in so many years; that's just not fair or right.

My first Christmas away from home at 17 I was out "floating" and got a care package from my grandmother. It was 4 big Folger's cans full of chocolate chip, oatmeal raisin and peanut butter cookies. Not only were the cookies a treat, but I folded every sheet of newspaper they were packed with flat and read them as well...

I hope this new, wonderful first Christmas of yours is just the beginning of a hundred or so more!

(and if you are that far from perfect, my friend, then where does that leave a mere mortal like me?)

May your days be Merry and Bright!


Véronique said...

It's sad that it's been so long since you had a Christmas tree, but wonderful that you have one now. Enjoy it!