Tuesday, September 21, 2004

Reality bites, other people, and thier pets . . .

I've never been one to rant (much) about my own issues and problems, but then again, I'm not the person I used to be. In an ideal world I'm going to have great success climbing out the nasty hole I'm in, but this is NOT an ideal world. Realistically I'm working hard on doing the best I can with the "hand I've been dealt" but there's no way I'm going to do what I've been doing my whole life and just giving in to everyone elses needs and demands at the expense of my health and happiness.

This goes three fold for the demands, desires and care of other people, or thier pets. I'm in a place I'd never planned, it's all new territory and I have to focus on my health and putting one foot in front of the other making a little bit of progress everyday. I cannot, and will not, take on the responsibilities of other people or thier pets just to be accomidating or helpful. Unless or until I'm out of harms way, and I've healed and grown more, I have to be selfish for the first time in my life.

When Earl and I met, he had a pyschotic cat named Nico. He and Nico had an interesting relationship, and it was a fairly new one at that, in the interests of harmony and being welcome I took Nico into my heart and made room in my life for both of them. I have issues with male energy, I'm not going to lie to anyone about that, and where I am now it's only been worsened by Earl's treatment of me. Long story short, I wound up being completely responsible for Nico AND Earl, and quite honestly I'm certain in my heart that part of where things went with Earl and I is due to Nico. I could not handle being a housewife, doctor, nurse, bread winner, therapist, and wife, let alone having to deal with Nico and his attitude problems. So, long story short, Nico lives with one of my Sisters now, is very happy and doing much better than he had been.

In the nine years together I grew emotionally attached to that pesky little brat I affectionatly called Bubba. Earl would lift a finger to help himself, let alone Bubba cat, and I'm a bitch for having to find Bubba a new home? Come on, please, someone give me a break already?!?!? So it's not just hard enough that I had to part with Bubba in the first place, but to have that held against me?

So for the time being, and I have honestly no idea how long that's going to be, I take care of me! Yes I'll help out when and where I can, but I must draw the line at dealing with other peoples problems and pets. I cannot have children at this point, and after nine years with Earl I'm not even close to being ready to consider building a family with anyone, and honestly have made my peace with that. I have plenty of Nieces and Nephews to keep me busy for the forseable future and the best thing about them is that when I've had enough I can give them back! I cannot get involved with people who cannot (or worse) will not, take care of themselves, let alone thier pets.

Pets are a huge responsibility, they are like children who will NEVER grow up, and if you cannot commit yourself to being depended on 100% by these little cratures, you should not have them. Case in point Earl! I would rather not have to worry about getting a road trip together to spend a week visiting distant family only to have the whole thing come apart because of pets. I cannot support myself at this exact second in time and when I can, I'm not going to take on extra responsibility and expenses unless or until I have the room. Room in my heart, my life, my home, my schedule, my budget for pets.

Right now it looks like I'm going to be moving in with my Sister-in-law (whom I love dearly, and without whom I might not be here to write this right now) who has a dog and FIVE cats. I cannot help her with them, I do not want to have to help her with them, I'm having enough trouble helping myself right now and think I should focus on getting my life in order before I take on the extra responsibility of pets. On the one hand its nice to be able to move in and help her out some, since my brother died life hasn't exactly been easy for her, and in this economy it isn't easy for anyone. By the same token I cannot be expected to come in and take over my brothers place either. Yes, Jon and I have much in common, and I miss him almost as much as I know my Sister-in-law does but I'm NOT my Brother.

As men go, he's always been one of the exceptional ones, and as an older brother he was a saint. Was he perfect? Hell no, but then again neither have I been "Wonder Woman" in all things to do with life. Was he the best older brother a girl could have, without question! Would I give up years of my life to have him back, so that BA could have him back? Also without question! However I have some very real limitations I have to deal with right now, and so does BA. We both need to be very serious about them, and take each day a step at a time. Are my Sister-in-law close, yes, very! Are we twins? Nope, not even close and while we share more than just a man, or at least the fond memories of one we both hope to see again one day in the Summerland, we are in some respects as different as Felix and Oscar. Can two grown (or mostly grown) women live together without tearing each other apart? Stay tuned dear readers, time will tell!

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