Friday, September 17, 2004

Finding Nobody!

It struck me with some sadness this morning just exactly what was involved in finding Nobody, for I first had to find enough of myself and I was much further away than I'd ever thought. It is only upon looking back, that we can truly appreciate the distances we have traveled and for once in my life I'm perfectly normal in this regard.

Since October 19, 1996 I've been lost not only to Nobody but several other near and dear friends including myself. Today while writing to Nobody it became apparent just how bad off I'd been. Why 19, October 1996? Everything seemed to be right, it was a brilliant, warm sunny southern Colorado day during what passes for Fall out there. Cool, dry, clean air, warm sun on my face as I walked into Colorado Springs Airport to board a flight to Newark and my new life as part of a couple.

What I didn't realize as I bid a fond farewell to Tony in the parking lot was I would be leaving my abundant self confidence, self respect, and self esteem right there in Colorado.

Out of our past, came Nobody's words today, remarking on how nice bottling and selling just a small amount of my many interesting attributes would be for the rest of the world. High on her list was just a little bit of my self confidence, something I took far more for granted than I should have but that she could so clearly see. Through her eyes, a morning like many others brought a view of the past that made clear just how much trouble I've been in, and what has been lost or at least misplaced for the moment.

When one spends as much time as I being oppressed and abused, the very fabric of your being is chipped away, bit by bit, day by day. Stockholm Syndrome is at best case a defensive tool any such afflicted people can use to try and cope with impossible situations, but taken too far it can result in mental and emotional death that eventually leads to an ugly physical death. Trust me, I know of what I speak here, for up until March I was awful close to an ugly physical death.

Once in a land henceforth I shall fondly refer to as Nowhere, in honor of Nobody, I was well on my way to being a pretty decent human being. Colorado [Nowhere] was really good to me and more importantly, FOR me. Mentally and emotionally I'd grown and was moving in a healthy track toward being a decent human being. I'd spent a great deal of time there discovering who I really was, and lacking in many of the negative influences of the mad east, I was flourishing.

I owe a great deal to Nobody, actually in some respects my life, for in the great deal of time we spent wandering Nowhere eating cheese fries and singing Viking songs to heathens I was able to finally, actually live and breath for the first time in my life. Nobody allowed me to be me, never judging, pushing, or demanding, simply happy to be my friend. Right there in Nowhere, a real true foundation for my soul was built, one that was stable enough with the help of others, enabled me to survive almost a decade of mental, emotiona and sexual abuse that should have, in fact would have killed me and very nearly did.

Thank you Nobody, I'm sending you a giant telepathic hug and warm fuzzy!

So, what you may ask does all this dribble have to do with finding Nobody?!?! Simply this; I've been able to find people who don't want to be found, find people who are lost simply because they'd moved so many times and been through their own living hell that the trail was more than cold, but Nobody was quite literally right where I'd left her, still in the phone book listed the same way she was the last time I'd talked to her.

I however was lost not only to Nobody, but a bunch of other lovely people I've mistreated over the last decade, and mostly lost to myself. Nobody is the kind of friend everyone should have, a real Girlfriend (see "Girlfriends") through and through. Had I found her when I was in such a horrible state, she might have turned over Nowhere trying to mount a rescue mission to come and get me. Bad as the situation I've been in was, "Earl" (Dixie Chick's "Earl had to die") just couldn't die on our watch, and while she may be smallish in stature, I'd rather Nobody at my side in battle than a thousand Imperial Storm Troopers!

So it is perfect clear to me today, six months after my soon to be Wusband left me to move in with his folks, that I had to heal enough to prevent further disaster. Justice is a funny thing, while "Earl" and his folks may need and certainly deserve a real taste of what they put me through, I would never risk something horrid happening to someone I love while they were trying to help me. Nobody's already remarked recently that had she known she'd have beat "Earl" into the ground with her shoe, I just couldn't see her getting into the kind of trouble that would involve, but I'll love her forever thinking of it!

No comments: