Wednesday, July 08, 2009

A trip in the way back machine . . .

It's hard to believe that over twenty years ago someone I was dating sat me down and said:

"I can't keep doing this. You are NOT Vulcan. You are NOT an Android. You are NOT a block of stone. You are NOT an alien. Yet, you have NO facial expressions, NO body language, your eyes don't even show there is anyone home in there. Being stoic would be an improvement compared to how you are now. I'm not a mind reader and I don't want to be one, but it would be nice if I had some idea that you were . . . I don't know, alive maybe? I'm tired of trying to have a relationship with a piece of machinery."

That was in essence what I was told, that and maybe I wanted to look into the problem or look into another relationship.

It set off a process that lead me here. Mind you I so could have done without the Earl side trip, but otherwise I'm really grateful at the touch this one person had on my life. Ironically enough Foreigner's "A Girl Like You" just came on the radio, it and "I want to know what love is" were two of my favorites back then. So anyway, I tried to find a compromise between being who I am, and the undead creature I was back then, because I was pretty sure I was in love. Actually at the time I was certain I was in love. So I started making changes. But as the old saying goes, in for a penny, in for a pound? Or is that you give an inch? Anyway, the changes started then cascaded into time and space and caused other changes. Changes that snowballed out of my control pretty quickly.

A bunch of years ago I decided to look up P-- and say thanks. Well, easier said than done. I've since had dreams of running into P-- and catching up. The probelm is that P-- had an unusual last name to start with, and having then married and moved a whole bunch, it was like trying to find a needle in a very large haystack. Last address I had for her was over twenty years ago. As part of my "Independence Day 2.0, Now with Presents!" I should have mentioned I thought I found her, but it was all part of that amazing confluence of energy and time/space. So yesterday I put together a carefully worded one page letter and mailed it to the adress I dug out of the computers of the world. I'm hoping it's the right address and that I have indeed found her. She did something wonderful, though honestly at the time I wasn't so sure.

I know if I ran into her on the street, she'd be stunned. In fact she'd not know who I was. I've come that far from that emotionless block of stone all those years ago. I have friends who describe my face as dancing when I talk. My eyes while always pretty to the point of notice and comment by folks are now glowing with life, and in spite of what I've survived, hope and feeling. My body language has made similar leaps forward so that folks pretty much agree I'm one of the single most expressive people around. It's not like I did it on purpose, it is just the logical conclusion of that conversation all those years ago.

Long, long way from a block of stone. She did a wonderful thing, and has helped make me the woman I am today. She also used quip that one day I'd make a wonderful wife for someone. Just at the time she wasn't looking for a wife. I'd like her to know how right she was then too.

Freedom is an interesting thing. Once I started getting over myself, and all the rules and restirictions I'd put on my own life because of what other people had insisted I do, think, feel and believe it was all down hill from there. I was free to be me, to express myself, to let folks get close to me, know ME, not the characterization I'd created and then bought into. One thing led to another, and of course Earl, who I'm starting to realize actually helped me in a bizarre kind of way. That however is a story for another day. Right now, I'm going to hope that I've actually found P-- and will hear back from her at some point soon.

It promises to be an interesting bit of catching up we'll do.

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