Sunday, July 05, 2009

Bugs and Monsoons be damned . . .

. . . I have to go to Arizona one of these days. Something Farnel wrote on her blog recently made me thing about the first time I heard this song, and knew just how screwed I was . . .

. . . it was shortly after he'd raped me the first time. That's when it became painfully clear that everything, and I do mean everything was a facade. That there is no Arizona.

Because the song came along right after one of the most horrific experiences in my life, I'd actually gotten it cross-connected to that event, and the realization born of it, and believed (believe? All evidence to the contrary) that Arizona doesn't actually exist. That my hopes, dreams, wants, and needs for the future had vanished with the state. Destroyed when he destroyed me, and destroyed my innocence.

I now have friends, people I care about, who live in Arizona, and it wasn't until I read Farnel's post that it dawned on me that somehow it has once again become real for me. That was unexpected. If I can get - when I can get past my issue with bugs down there, I want to go down there. I need to go down into the Grand Canyon and lay down on the ground, closer to the heart of the earth, and thank the universe for my life. For the continuing strength to recover, grow and move on. I need to explore a bit, and meet some of the people who have touched my life with healing, courage, strength and friendship who call Arizona home.

I also need to take Arizona back. I need for it to be real for me. Technically I was in Arizona once briefly. We went through Arizona on the way back from San Fransisco when I was out there on business. Well sort of business. A company in San Fransisco found my resume online and flew me out there for a couple of day of interviews and put me up at the Donnatello. That was a while ago, it was also kinda cool in retrospect. So I flew through and had a brief layover in Phoenix. Wow, that was a while ago.

I also have this need to go to Sedona and feel it for myself.

So I need for there to be an Arizona, for me. To take back something in my life I never got to in the fish place. Regrettably I don't think going there will change my relationship with the some or what it means. It's symbolic. And it symbolizes all the things Earl promised and didn't even try to make good on. I symbolizes giving myself to him utterly and completely, with the innocense he took and destroyed. I'd wanted to, and really believed in the whole growing old together, having each others back and love as we moved through time and space. I gave him some of the best years of my life. Now . . . wow, just wow, I sometimes, oft times, can't believe how much this hurts. But I go on, and I heal, and who knows, maybe if I'm really lucky I'll take back enough of what he took from me to break even before this shell is no longer capable of housing my spirit. Maybe one day there will truely be an Arizona for me, and for Farnel, and so many other folks who deserve way better than we've gotten.


Lori D said...

I understand the push and pull you must feel because of what you went through. But I was hooked on Arizona the first day I saw a spectacular sunset behind the mountains and below the clouds.

Anonymous said...

ah, false promises.

This song describes it so much better!

ps: no one can take your innocence from you. That is for you to decide. It's still there.

pss: I linked your blog , I hope you don't mind. (-:

Samantha said...

@Lori, you know that's exactly how I feel about Colorado, and my first memory of it so long ago. As I was flying into Denver Stapelton Airport (gone now) we pased through a terrible thunderstorm and then the coulds broke and I was stunned. Sunset behind the mountains painting the sky with such a glow I couldn't get enough of.

@Farnel, yeah, as I was reading your post I could hear this song in my head and heart and started crying. So I had to share.

You know I'm thinking you might be right about my innocence, I'm finding it again slowly.

No I don't mind you linking to my blog, in fact I have to add a link to your's too. Thanks Ladies for being awesome!