Blogspam?!?!? Really what is the world coming to?

Take a look at the comments for Just for the record . . . I mean really? How desperate, or stupid can people be anyway??? That's just pathetic, spamming someone's blog?

Chris Crain is some kind of serious NUT!!!

Chris Crain is some kind of serious NUT!!! I mean really, some of the things that come out of his mouth make me want to lobby to have his membership card REVOKED! Membership to what? GLBT activism? ENDA activism? Nope, these are minor memberships compared to what I think should happen; his membership to the human race should be revoked!!! Shut this moron up once and for all, vote to have Chris Crain FIRED. Executive Editor my arse, he's a sensationalist soapbox speaker who likes to hear himself talk or see his particular brand of narish in print. He's a bigot of the worst kind, picks and chooses whom he approves of and damn the rest.

Last year he slammed the Trans community for hijacking ENDA?"ENDA gets trans-jacked" Really, then why is it that the HATE CRIMES bill passed a part of congress it never managed before? Larger cross section of effected constituents! More voters to risk pissing off, thus it went through.

Now he's back beating up on Tran folk AGAIN in "Trans or bust""‘Trans or bust’ is still a bust" which is so full of misinformation and outright stupidity that I'm amazed he hasn't been fired yet!

I've been a self proclaimed "Lesbian Trapped in a Man's body" my whole life which in two years when I FINALLY have corrective surgery will put me square in the cross hairs of any number of ignorant bigots like Chris. Sure I'm part of his protected class of people because I prefer women, or did, which now puts me right in the middle of the Bi demographic.

Great, so he's okay with me because I'm BI and thus entitled to protections he feels strongly about? WooHoo!!! Happy days are here again Chris Crain is okay with me because I'm part of a group whose rights get trampled and violated . . . . . . or am I?

I am also a Trans woman, which means I'm entitled to be picked on an excluded because I'm Trans? So which is it? Figures a man would come up with rules like that, I mean really all that testosterone just POISONS otherwise healthy minds with exclusive, competitive thinking. He should probably start on a detox program to help him beat back the "T" monster. Either that, or just adjust his balance some so that he understands the value of INCLUSION!!!

I used in the writing of this small words whenever possible, and kept the concepts simple so Chris Crain might have a better chance of understanding. His arguments are those of a sixth grader, so I’ve kept things simple . . .

Pity really, the “Free Press” has become anything but when idiots like Chris spew intolerant, discriminatory garbage and yet no-one is allowed to disagree with him. Ironically “Freedom of Press” USED to be a protected right, now it’s used as a weapon, controlled by folks with more money than brains, more attitude than compassion and more control than any dictatorial regime! Ooops, sorry Chris, “dictatorial regime” is over your head so I’ll dumb it down for you; the phrase refers to Tyrants who feel that they have the right to control everything and everyone and NO-ONE has any rights!

A piece from my 2005 diary.

So as I'm laying here trying to get off to sleep holding Jesse close I cannot help but think about how badly I want to be the one being held close. I think back to all those years ago trying to reach a compromise with Eral to hold him the way I wanted to be held, to love him the way I wanted to be loved and find some kind of balance. He wouldn't have anything to do with working together, to compromise in ourlife together. He is, in retrospect, one of the most supremely selfish people I've ever met. Me, I'm left to pick up the pieces of a life built on honesty of a sort, much hard work, ansd more pain than anyone person should have to endure.

I find myself in the dark longing for arms around me, the feel of my husbands body close to mine, the heat, the hard softness, the passion of someone's touch who loves me. I find myself wondering if I'll ever marry at this point and how I could bear to be with someone who's so different from me, a different dialect of the same language to screw things up more and a heart and mind wired so differently as to confound my abilities to understand.

I curse myselffor these desires because in spite of all the harm they have brought me in this life and others I am still attracted to men. My flesh betrays my heart and soul. My need for something like a normal relationship, warts and all, can rob me of a connection to a heart and mind I can really relat to, really share myself and my body with.

Is it really so wrong to hope that I can have a life, a family at this point in my life? What's wrong with wanting a simple life of home, hearth and family? What is wrong with wanting to have the wedding I've always dreamt of? With adopting a couple of girls and building a future together with someone I love who returns that love?

Why is it in the the time of death and pain, this end of as life so brightly began I even have the strength to consider such things? I don't understand really the needs I have for love making I've always hoped for even though I don't curretnly have the plumbing to support it? How is it I can be so conflicted? How can I want mental, emotional and spiritual connections that women are so used to, that I fear only a woman can provide and yet the physical contact of a man? How can physically I be drawn to creatures at once so attractive, the look, the smell (when they are clean and take good care of themselves) and strength yet at the same time be repulsed?

PP 80, 81, and 82 from the third book of my diary for 2005.

**** WARNING TRIGGERS ****

What is PTSD and Rape? PTSD is the ongoing invalidation and loss of self to the past. PTSD isn’t just the simple things like the finality of death. It’s the living death of those things ripped from your heart, your life, by heartless, selfish, insensitive men who violate our lives and bodies taking from us everything and nothing all at once.

RAPE is any act taken by someone else, against us, without our consent, is any contact with someone that treats us (woman) as chattle, property, less than human, less than people and with or without intent to cause pain or distress DOES cause pain or distress.

RAPE is being forced, or otherwise caused to suffer anything we don't want to, and any other definition is simply pure self serving bulls**t men use to claim it wasn't rape and they aren't reponsible.

RAPE is any act by an outside person or persons that causes me pain, leaves me feeling violated, dirty, humiliated, used, abused or discarded.

RAPE isn't just physical violation of my body, it's that and much more, its giving my heart to someone I love and trust, someone I belived loves and trusts me and having my heart, mind, body and soul violated and discarded. Used and thrown aside like a piece of garbage.

Men can never properly understand the pain, the finality of rape, of violence taken out on a woman’s life simply because they do not at the deepest level understand us, or how we feel about things. We (women) are sensitive, emotive creatures and texture is more than something felt with fingertips and skin.

Violence against our lives, our bodies, our hearts and souls leaves damage that takes a long time to heal and the slightest thing can in an instant reduce us to hysterical, sobbing, wretches that frighten men. Men just “suck it up” and get on with life and such displays are weakness and they simply cannot have that.

Rape will never be taken seriously by men because they cannot possibly understand it and expect us to get past it . . . “Come on Lady just grow up, you brought it on yourself.” OR “Well, what did you do to bring it on?” It is the very act of dismissing the violence and pain, the trauma, the invalidation of our suffering because it cannot easily be measured that is the nothing.

When a husband rapes his wife it is even worse because the assumption is we surrender ourselves, our bodies, to men as in property and have no right to complain or refuse something that is his right! Men marry for sex, babies and so on. . . We are nothing but servants, slaves, sex workers, and private whores. We are nothing and since they cannot of will not relate to what we feel it is as if it doesn’t exist.

I cannot even go near a Bed Bath & Beyond because it is one of a number of places my husband and I shared during our life together and while yes, it is a place where only good memories were formed it exists now as a part of a scab on my heart and soul covering the wound placed there by the violence, the betrayal, the violation of my heart, mind, body and soul.

He took everything from me when he left me after using me up and throwing me away like so much trash. It is the links and bonds that hold our lives together and make our history complete and continuous. By violating me and discarding me as a used and broken piece of property he has taken from me years of my life, years of memories, places and things and ruined them forever. Nearly a decade of my life is gone and even the good memories force me to remember the agony, the violence and this is everything.

I can be driving along and see something we’d both have laughed over – Now its like a bullet through my heart. Its not being able to go shopping without becoming hysterical and running from the building crying if I can even make it in to the store in the first place. Everything, everyone, makes me recoil in fear, pain, terror of it happening again.

My life has been forever changed and PTSD makes this so much worse because when the memories surface in nanoseconds I’m RELIVING the pain, the fear, the abuse and everything is gone. The ground I have gained trying to heal is taken from me. I’m back in that place with Earl screaming in my face or demanding sex the way he wants. It’s his hands beating me, his eyes filled with anything from contempt to rage and hatred boring into me, through me. It’s the feelings, the texture, the taste, the smells, the light, sound, tone of voice and so many other things that in a nanosecond ends my life once again.

PTSD is like dying a slow horrible death at the hands of a horrible, evil person intent on inflicting intense pain and then when you think it’s over, think you can crawl into the loving embrace and peace of death because it’s finally over, you find instead you have been resurrected only to have to go through it all over again, and again, and again. . .

. . . and again . . .

. . . and again . . .

. . . and again . . .

. . . and again . . .

. . . and every time you go through it the pain is every bit as real, every bit as dangerous and damaging so that when you are done you never want to have to go through that ever again. You are left drained, soaked in sweat and in pain, tired of being treated this way. You want it to stop and it gets to the point that death makes sense because it will, you think, finally end the pain.

Treatments for this takes time, there are drugs that can mask, minimize some of the body’s reactions to things even numb ones heart, mind and soul so that living isn’t constant agony. But, it’s a fine line between being drugged into a flat state, a pain free life that is that way by virtue of the fact that you can no longer feel anything!!! This is not living either SURVIVAL means finding new ways to live and means time to heal enough to be able to leave the house, go to the store, meet people and talk to them, maybe even work.

This all takes time and so much hard work that it’s the only “fulltime job” you’ll have for a while. Like I said, medication can help block some of this, can help ease the depression enough to keep one from ending the pain. It can help one get back and forth to Doctors and Therapists who first have to understand what you are dealing with before they can help you learn new ways to deal with, you guessed it, everything and nothing.

Samantha . . .

Well here's a shock, my brain is female. I never would have guessed it . . .

Your Brain is 93.33% Female, 6.67% Male

You have the brain of a girly girl Which isn't a bad thing at all You're emphatetic, caring, and in tune with emotions. You're a good friend and give great advice.

What Gender Is Your Brain?

This is one of a number of online "gender" tests that has said exactly the same thing!

Just for the record . . .

. . . I think "coalition building" that is all male focused is something of a bad idea! I'm a member of a number of online support groups for survivers of domestic violence, one member, who runs his own group, sent out a message to everyone looking to build a "coalition" so that people from different walks of life can get together and fight for human rights. (I thought the HRC was doing that?) He invited everyone to join HIS group as a central point for "Politically Active Familes" however the description is for "Politically Active Dads" and reads as follows;


"Politically Active Families", takes direct political action to fight for "family friendly" politicians. Key Search words: Fathers Rights, Dads, Men's Rights, Access, Custody, Support, Visitation, Divorce, Separation, Mens Health, Shared Parenting, Equal Parenting, Joint Physical Custody, Children's Rights, Domestic Violence, Child Abuse, Marriage, Common Law Relationships, Family Court Reform, Family Law, Mediation, Fathers 4 Justice, F4J, Parenting, Men's Issues, Non-custodial Parents, Moms, Child Abduction, Gay Fathers, Gay Dads, Lesbian Mothers, Adoption, Grandparent's Rights, Civil Rights, Parents, Grandfathers, Grandmothers, Judicial Law Reform, Youth Rights, Gender Wars, Missing Children, Men's Movement, Equality, Blended Families, Children of Divorce, Dads in Family Court, Civil Rights, Human Rights, and Fathering.
Contact Wayne Cook at waynevcook@rogers.com for more information.


Further searching indicated this person has put together a series of 60 some odd groups that are the inverse of his "coalition building" concept and each features the SAME text as above.

I have issues with "coalition building" that basically ignores women and our feelings, rights, and lives.

Okay, I'm officially pissed now!!!

Having been hospitalized TWICE recently because of the madness and mayhem Earl is getting away with because my lawyers are idiots not withstanding, I'm seriously getting tired of how women are treated around here!!! Case in point, Earl has managed to do so much damage to me that I spend far too much of my time in fear of what is going to happen next, terrified another shoe will drop squishing me like a bug ending my life.

Today I find out about a woman who's husband went to a doctor, CONVINCED him his wife needs to be medicated and controlled, and HE IS DOING IT!!! Didn't give this poor woman a chance to talk about it, defend herself, nothing, take these and present yourself for a blood test every week or we are going to commit you against your will to a mental hospital!

I'm sorry, when did Hitler get elected president? I thought that frelling NUTTER was dead!!!!!!! I mean really folks who the frell comes up with these kinds of things? Since when can a husband play doctor like that and WHY???????

I know our country is in trouble, I get that, there are whackos out there re-writing history and undermining OUR constitution on a daily basis, slowly trying to turning our country in to a theocracy, I get that. I also understand the country is so divided and blind that they just might get away with it.

Now to find out there are, I repeat THERE ARE, places in our country where ONE HUSBAND can legally take away ALL of a woman's rights, right here, right now, without so much as a how do YOU FEEL??????? Come on, we have to wake up, we have to fight, we have to stand together and say NO, THIS CANNOT BE ALLOWED to happen!!!!!!!

Talk about making one nuts . . .

So Friday they let me leave the hospital under three conditions;

1.) I not be alone, I had to call my Sister-in-law, who is also my roommate, to confirm she'd keep an eye on me over the weekend,

2.) I'd fill the perscription for Xanax they gave me, and take it until,

3.) I call the local out-paitent mental health place FIRST THING Monday and schedule and appointment. So I head back to the townhouse, met Ellie in the car on the way over to the hospital and waited.

So I called, first thing Monday, I spoke to Tracy at this place who spent half an hour trying to convince me to go back to the hospital and admit myself until they can see me. I managed to get her to skip the idea of going for admission and she said I'd be assinged to a Maria. Maria wasn't in, so she'd have to call me back later. Later turned out to be Tuesday and while I liked her right off,the first scheduled appointement would be JUNE 4th. She suggested I get the Xanax refilled until thier Doctor could see me and give me something else.

The hospital, after playing switchboard tag informed me they do not refill PERIOD, see my Doctor. I said my doctor said to see you UNTIL I could be seen . . . I called Maria back, she said you are STILL thier paitent, and I should go back over there. The main desk said see the folks in the ED, they said take a number and wait. On top of everything else, the lowest dosage was too strong for me, left me a complete Zombie.

So, if you are ever going to take Xanax, keep in mind Estrogen AND Prilosec both conspire to make the Xanax more powerful. Great!!! Zombie!!! So I cut the dose in half after the first day, zombie woman is gone! So I waited, and they called me in . . .

Oh, yes Ms. Q*****, Estrogen and Pilosec will make it stronger, we just couldn't get you anything different since this is already the lowest dosage around. What? You cut them in half? Oh well yeah that could work but we cannot tell you that. Oh, not going to be seen by the doctor for several weeks, okay here's 12 more . . .

In any case I didn't need to keep taking them, so the extra ED visit was an expensive pain in the rear . . .

I'm a lucky Girl, I'm a lucky Girl, I'm a lucky Girl, I'm a lucky Girl, I'm a lucky Girl, I'm a lucky Girl, I'm a lucky Girl, I'm a lucky Girl, I'm a lucky Girl, I'm a lucky Girl, I'm a lucky Girl, I hope if I say it often enough while clicking my heals together I'll finally be lucky!?!

So I really think I need to spend more time here . . .

I couldn't take it anymore, I just lost it, and checked into the local ER because I couldn't stop crying. I was done, over, finished, couldn't take any more pain, shouldn't have to, and knew that if I didn't do something positive RIGHT THEN and there, I wouldn't live to see the weekend. The scariest part of it all is being a TS Woman had NOTHING to do with it.

I really don't think of myself as a TS or TG anything. I'm a woman, I am trying to have some kind of life and I cannot handle all the expectations that folks keep throwing on me. My ex has taken EVERYTHING, and still people expect things, money, etc from me. When I say NO; I get abuse.

When I ask for help on the other hand the entire damn world is more than happy to tell ME know and when, IF I ask why; I get abuse.

So I was done, I was going home because it just isn't worth it, I have enough pain in my life to start with without people giving me more. Life post-ascension ins't all clouds and angles, BUT it isn't this insufferably STUPID and there are checks and balances in place and REAL FREE WILL . . .

Thank God and Godess for the folks at the hospital, they saved my life!

About children . . .

So back in September of 2004 9/25/04 I wrote about children and not rushing. The issues I mentioned then notwithstanding I have another obstacle standing between me and possible offspring. Fertility! I've been on HRT now long enough that the chances of being able to have children have probably vanished. Estrogen alone has a significant effect on sperm production and will reduce output, combined with Spiro, well I'd say even if I stopped now (which would probably result in my death) there's little chance I'd be able to do much.

Quite honestly I'm at the point that HRT is keeping me alive and stable mentally and emotionally. I KNOW myself, I remember what life was like before HRT, what I could handle, how I felt and dealt with those feelings. The problems I have in my life now are SO MUCH worse than anything I went through back before HRT and I was too close to suicide back then.

In other news, my lawyer has given me the okay to increase pressure on the creatures responsible for the madness and mayhem in my life. I'm starting with a letter to Earl, from there it is going to get very, very ugly for them. I hate that I have to resort to this, hate that I'm going to have to start acting like the "trailer trash" they have claimed from day one that I am, and hate having to go on the offensive intentionally taking steps that I KNOW will cause all three of them pain.

My letter to Earl was simple, a vague warning to instruct his lawyer to settle in the most general terms. In thinking about it as I write this I'm going to send a carefully worded letter to his parents too. It will come as a complete shock to them, and probably make me even less popular than I already am. Well it sucks to be them I guess. I'm even likely to send the letters to someone on my list of people who are close to them with a plea to have them take it seriously.

I'm getting closer I think to ready to start putting serious effort into my first book. I was reminded today of my dreams for a wedding and how much it meant to me. I'm a romantic at heart and had, HAVE this dream for a wedding that I think is going to be a perfect start to the book. Now that I know how it's going to start, and end, it's going to be much easier to write the whole thing.