So as I'm laying here trying to get off to sleep holding Jesse close I cannot help but think about how badly I want to be the one being held close. I think back to all those years ago trying to reach a compromise with Eral to hold him the way I wanted to be held, to love him the way I wanted to be loved and find some kind of balance. He wouldn't have anything to do with working together, to compromise in ourlife together. He is, in retrospect, one of the most supremely selfish people I've ever met. Me, I'm left to pick up the pieces of a life built on honesty of a sort, much hard work, ansd more pain than anyone person should have to endure.
I find myself in the dark longing for arms around me, the feel of my husbands body close to mine, the heat, the hard softness, the passion of someone's touch who loves me. I find myself wondering if I'll ever marry at this point and how I could bear to be with someone who's so different from me, a different dialect of the same language to screw things up more and a heart and mind wired so differently as to confound my abilities to understand.
I curse myselffor these desires because in spite of all the harm they have brought me in this life and others I am still attracted to men. My flesh betrays my heart and soul. My need for something like a normal relationship, warts and all, can rob me of a connection to a heart and mind I can really relat to, really share myself and my body with.
Is it really so wrong to hope that I can have a life, a family at this point in my life? What's wrong with wanting a simple life of home, hearth and family? What is wrong with wanting to have the wedding I've always dreamt of? With adopting a couple of girls and building a future together with someone I love who returns that love?
Why is it in the the time of death and pain, this end of as life so brightly began I even have the strength to consider such things? I don't understand really the needs I have for love making I've always hoped for even though I don't curretnly have the plumbing to support it? How is it I can be so conflicted? How can I want mental, emotional and spiritual connections that women are so used to, that I fear only a woman can provide and yet the physical contact of a man? How can physically I be drawn to creatures at once so attractive, the look, the smell (when they are clean and take good care of themselves) and strength yet at the same time be repulsed?
PP 80, 81, and 82 from the third book of my diary for 2005.
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