Merry Christmas!

Wow, Christmas??? Or is it Saturnalia? Signs littered about the landscape in these parts say;

"Jesus is
the reason for the
Season"

Really? Wow, and here it thought it was for millions of people to go spending money they don't have, buying stuff other people don't need or can't afford and otherwise acting like manaics, running hither and yon over the aforementioned landscape being rushed and exceptionally rude because someone else might get to where ever they are going and scoop all the best deals first.

Okay, so maybe that is a somewhat fatalistic and dark view of things. For me, the Holidays are about getting together with people I love, eating too much food, and having a quiet day to ourselves without all the pressures of the outside world. 2000 years dead carpenter the reason? Okay, I guess it is better than rampant, abusive commercialism gone mad.

I had a quiet, very relaxed and enjoyable day with family and friends. Yes we exchanged presents, the old run of thumb, something they would want, but not necessarily buy for themselves as a way to say; "Hey, you know I think you're really special!" Lots of great food, hanging out, enjoying our time together, catching up on things we might not otherwise get to in the day to day rush of life. A day to appreciate who and what I DO have in my life, and not focus on what I don't. So, in some ways, a day much like Thanksgiving, only without the unique madness my sister brings to things.

So in other news . . . Well first, does anyone actually read this on anything like a regular basis? I don't know, I could just be talking to myself here . . .

Anyway, I'm back in Jersey. I left Colorado on the 13th, took a fairly easy, slow drive across country taking three days. Jumper one, now completely, legally mine in every way, did a great job. I stopped over four times in three days for rest, and even stopped in St. Loius to take pictures of the Arch. The pictures, well I'll get some up here in the next day or so. I'll probably also fill in some of the details of my trip.

The traveling isn't quite over yet, I have to head up to upstate New York on Saturday to spend some time with my little brother. I'm not sure how I feel about that quite yet, but we'll see. Not quite as far a drive as Colorado or even close, but still gonna be a tiring day.

So that's enough for the moment, time to actually have something to eat I think.

Yeah, so I was up early, that was a mistake!

Either that or spending the entire day with my sister doing her gender conflicted version of shopping was, maybe both. She's the only person I know who can spend an hour fondling socks trying to decide which ones to buy. She's also so fraking obsessed with her own unique twist on "reality" that she MUST buy another pair of shoes, ones she wasn't going to buy in the first place, just so that there will be SIX pairs of shoes instead of five, because God and Goddess forbid we don't get the buy one, get one half off deal for all of them. Mind you she was only buying three pair when we started, and I bought two. Nuts I tell you!

We wandered all over hells half acre and then some to even find the shoes in the first place. Me, I found a decent pair of Merril knockoffs for 22 dollars, and a nice simple pair of plain black pumps. Now I can go back to wearing skirts, I have shoes to go with!!! Yay!!!

I did way, way, to much today, including a brief, and not terribly successful foray into a mall. Not just any mall, but one that the last time I'd been there was more than ten years ago with Earl before we married. We were window shopping for rings, and found one in Nordstroms that we liked. Personally I think I handled things amazingly well and only broke down hyterical crying once while we were eating lunch at Subway.

My sister got to talking about patterns and behaviors, how people who live long enough in horrible situations pick up bad habits and so forth. She then proceed to launch into a blow by blow description of how O'Brian on DS9 was sentenced to 40 years in prison, then they did this whole compressed time thing so that he lived out the entire 40 year sentence in a handful of days. Somehow I'd missed that one (thankfully) but her going into great and gory detail managed to remind me of what it's like to be in prison for years on end. Not like I'd know anything about that, and she realized what she'd done way too late. I was toast.

Living in 'gender prison' is bad enough, but THAT isn't what came to mind. I've been officially diagnosed with 'Post Traumatic Stress Disorder' sub classified as 'Prison Camp Survivor' because of my life with Earl. Yeah, it really was that bad and then some. So I lost it right there while eating lunch, and all because I was "eating too fast" and how that wasn't healthy. Mind you, I've slowed down quite a bit of late, working on getting away from the behaviors beaten into my head and heart around Earl and his parents. My sister who knows EVERYTHING (just ask her) then launched into the whole thing and the DS9 episode I'd missed. She assured me that at the end of the show they'd managed to "deprogram" O'Brian and he was fine.

Can they do me next?

Regrettably, no such technology exists in this time and space. Sucks to be me! I hate this, I really do! By the "end" of the day I was so screwed up I was jumping at everything. Now however I have a hankering for some corn. Yeah, just a dish full of hot corn! I'm so tired I think I'm going to head off to bed at TEN tonight, which is right around the corner. Maybe I'll dream of a life without the agony of my past, the limitations on my future, and the damage simple talking can do to me, let alone going out in public.

Holy Frak! I'm up!

So my sister just wandered through and woke me up because she was going to McDonalds to bring back some breakfast. She also thought that since I'm trying to get on something like a better sleep schedule, getting up and 9:00 would be a good idea.

For the record this is the first time I've been up before 10:00 am in over a year. I'm SO NOT a morning person. Now I have to get my brain started, which I suppose is why I'm writing, though honestly I don't think it is working all that well.

Ah, food!

Getting to bed earlier and other tidbits. . .

If you've been here before, you'll probably notice the change to the template. Yup, changed it! Long since overdue kind of change too! This is brighter, a bit more welcoming, and for it's cool affect, feels warmer to me. This also gives me a layout of simplicity that I'll be able to change out the image for one of my own.

Had a bit of a craving for something apple, cobbler, pie, strudel, whatever. So I just ran over to Albertsons and picked up a nice piece of strudel, came back here, poured myself and ice cold glass of fat free milk, and had a piece of yummy strudel. Once upon a time I'd have had more than a glass of milk, several in fact, and ate the whole thing. Not anymore!

I've accomplished more the last several months than I thought I'd be able to. I've put the last of my ghosts to rest, finally finished starting my life over, and have managed to get all the paperwork to catch up with me. I drove out here in a car that was "mine" in that it is the same one Earl and "I" bought new in '99 but it wasn't in my name, it was in his. Same with Driver's License and Insurance. Nothing illegal, but it still FELT weird and just off.

When I drive back across the country to spend the holidays with family, nothing out of sorts, everything exactly correct and legal. Old what's his name and Earl will finally really be the past, and this place I know and love is once again mine to treasure. The last week has been good, and while driving around Denver I'm not being confronted by the ghosts of the past as much. I've made Denver mine again, home once again to my heart and soul, perhaps more so than ever before. The mountains, sky, and air once again embrace me, welcome me, hold me close without smothering me.

She was born in the summer of her 27th year,
coming home to a place she'd never been before.
She left yesterday behind her , you might say she was born again,
you might say she's found a key to every door.
("Rocky Mountain High," John Denver)

Profound, but true. I moved out here all those long years ago on the promise of meeting "HER" and while I opened some wrong doors between now and then, I did find HER, I found ME!

It's now 23:59 and I'm going to do something utterly nuts for me. I'm going to take my pills and hit the sack. If I'm lucky I'll be asleep before one am, which for me will be a minor miracle. Good night all! My the ghosts of all my yesteryears sleep in peace for once . . .

Wow, this is different . . .

MY journey has, as anyone who knows me, or has read enough of my blog knows, been somewhat different than that of many women. Today, the last bit of past, or "real life" that tied "him" to the earthly plane vanished into thin air.

Inspections in hand I made my way back over to DMV today and finished the paperwork legally making my car mine. Due to the nature of my journey, "HE" had to sell me my own car and then of course the whole normal thing associated with buying a car. Registration, Title, Inspection and so forth. Today I finished all that making the car legally ever more mine!

I waited on line at DMV and miracle of miracles I wound up at Dawn's window again. She looked up and said;

"Hello Samantha, I was just thinking about you. I was just thinking to myself I wonder if she'd printed swatches and what you you decided? Now here you are!"

Talk about personalized sevice. "Wow, Dawn you have a really good memory!"

"Honestly, you helped with that, when you were in yesterday, it was right at the end of the day and you were so nice and patient when MOST people are in a hurry. You made my day yesterday, I'm not used to people being nice to me, after all I'm just a DMV clerk who makes everyones life harder, just ask them! So, the big question in my mind is what DID you decide?"

I smiled and said; "My Nanna always said it was nice to be nice, and I agree. No point in making your life harder, you didn't do anything wrong. Frankly you made things simpleand painless yesterday, so I think you're doing a great job. As to swatches, yup, I printed them and decided I'd have to repaint the car to get the breast cancer plates. I have plenty of other BC pink ribbon stuff, including this (and held up my wrist with the bracelet I have) and I figure I really can't afford to have it painted.

So, Designer plates it is, cause everyone has the other ones, plus the designer plates have purple, my all time favorite color." So, designer plates it was and off I was to take the old plates off the car and put MY plates on! The old ones had been on long enough that I had trouble getting the rear plate off, but it finally came away and on went the new one! Miracle of miracles they even printed the title right then and there so I don't have to wait for it to show up in the mail. That of course went right into the safe when I got back to the house. It is something of an interesting feeling, it's not my first car, yet it feels like it is. I feel like I'm a teenager getting my first car, despite the fact that I'm 42. Legally, it IS in fact my first car, which means paying higher insurance than "HE" was for a while. Could be worse though, if I were male just getting a new license and car, my rates would be even higher. So, I'm a brand new driver with my first car.

"HE" had a good driving record, and I'm confident I'll have a good one in due time too. I'm glad I took drivers ed, and took it seriously, I'm an even safer, and more careful driver than "HE" was. What's the old saying? Familiarity breeds contempt? So, yeah, the last of that old life is now firmly behind me! It's all at once a really good feeling, and really strange too!

Late starts, sleeping, and so forth . . .

So today was interesting. I managed to get up, and out of the house, but not soon enough to get everything done in one day. I stopped at the bank, then Pepboys for some fuel system additive/cleaner and then a tank of super unleaded. Drive around a bit, and then into DMV at 4:30. Got temporary plates until I could get the car inspected, Dawn at DMV was very nice and helpful. We chatted briefly while she get the paperwork going. I'm trying to decide "designer plates" which are pretty, and Breast Cancer plates, which have the benefit of being one of my favorite colors (pink) but will probably clash with my car.


I said I'd have to print out some swatches and hold then next to my car. Dawn was amused because her boyfriend wouldn't get that but she's had a similar conversation with hundreds of women. Then, temporary plates in hand and off I went to the inspection station. For some odd internal screw up with the computers they had to run my car three times, each time it passed just fine, but it still took more than an hour. By then DMV was closed for the day.

Now, sleeping is something I'm not good enough at, and all at once too good at. Takes me far too long, even with meds, to get to sleep, so I commonly go to bed way too late. Then, THANKFULLY, the meds keep me asleep eight hours which is fine unless you go to bed at SIX. I've done it with, and without sleep meds, and I love my meds.

The problem of course is then when its time to get up I take a bit of time to "spin up" the drives before I can jump even off the bed. Okay, so maybe I watch too much Galactica (is there such a thing?) but otherwise the point is apt. So today, I finally dragged arse out of bed and got going. Bummer! If I'd gotten a bit eariler a start, I might have finished everything today!

M U S T, G e t t o b e d e a r l i e r !

What is with people anyway?

Self absorbed, lazy trolls who have nothing better to do than hang around places they aren't wanted or welcome, and people who want to spend ours of the phone talking to me about complete rubbish WHILE they try to convince me to move to Erie, PA?

I spent the day getting things done, and working on having something of a life. My little brother has nothing better to do than dream of things that are NEVER going to happen. I understand being needy, I think. I don't understand wanting to spend time on the phone talking about pie in the sky delusions, and having someone who is SO needed he's trying to get me to move to a backwater place like Erie, PA? I mean really, someone get him some smelling salts, he's passed out and is dreaming or something.

Today I spend the day on changing phone service, getting my drivers license and buying new insurance for the car so that I can register it tomorrow, or at least start the process. My brother on the other hand is dreaming of a Laptop he's not going to get, that he can't use because he's paralyzed and I doubt he'll get the voice recognition working. He has the nerve to spend fifteen minutes telling me what a STUPID plan my new phones were, despite the fact that they are a third the price of my existing service, and when I finally get a word in edge wise, he simply says, "Oh, sorry" as if that makes up for his being an overbearing know-it-all!

Of course this is when he's not telling me all about the laptop he's expecting someone else to buy him. I don't care that it is magnesium alloy, or that it has a dedicated "skype" connection jack for a handset. Big deal! Then of course his ongoing pipe dream that the mean people at housing are going to give him all this money for wrecking something that he didn't really own in the first place. I mean really, listening to this madness at times is nothing short of insanity run a muck. He's supposed to be being treated for his bi-polar disorder, but I honestly wonder if he's taking his meds, or being medicated correctly.

Then of course there is the simple fact that he's obsessed all at once with someone who no longer exists, and a new sister he's not trying to get to know, just control. Seems his home health aid was listening when I was talking to him earlier, and she decided that I should move out to Erie too. This of course got Dre started on th whole move thing again. Oh, yeah, you could afford like 800 a month for a house. I just don't understand people and money, really I don't! What is that child smoking anyway. I'm having trouble paying attention sometimes, and he's dreaming about the house I'm going to buy in Erie?

I know he and his brother could talk for endless hours about complete bullshit and a hodge podge of stupid part numbers, specifications and technology crap that just makes my head hurt. Who the FRAK cares, give me tools that will do what I need them to, and not require a phd in techno-babble bullshit. When is he going to get it through his head I'm not his brother? I have a laptop that does what I want and need it to really well. You know what, that's about all I can, or care to say about it. Yeah I could get into all the features and performance, but who really cares?

So, that's me eventing for a moment, not really pretty . . . SUCK!

Stay off the sidewalks she loose!

So at 13:20 mountain time I started the car and began my road test. At 13:35 I was done, and THIS TIME, got a perfect score. The examiner looked at me and said, wow, I'm not used to people making this much improvement in a few short days. I said, hey, I wrote down everything you said last week three times so that I would remember it and NOT do that again. She reminded me I failed for only one thing, I said yeah, but why take chances! So I'm now a licensed driver!!! The sidewalks are no longer safe people I'm telling you.

Primped. preened and ready!

Head to toe I'm clean, exfoliated, mosturized, conditioned, hair free legs and so forth. Time now to do my teeth and my makeup (what little I wear) and be on my way. Ny sister asked me why was I worrying about my legs if I was wearing slacks and quite simply its because I know better. I don't feel quite as clean if I don't shave my legs, and that just throws off my whole Feng Shui for the day. Yeah, I'm worried about what I look like even the parts of me no-one can see today. I can feel it, and it will bother me. Not one of those things I can really explain, its like going out of the house without a bra. Ick! Sure I can and have done it, but the girls just bounce around no matter what I'm doing. So I guess the simple way to say it is I'm making sure I'm balanced, harmonious, clean, feeling and smelling good, and at peace. Now I go blowdry my hair upside down and get dressed . . .

Wish me luck, I'm going to need it!

So I have to remember to watch all my signs (like a hawk, they do tricks!) seriously, for changes.
Bear to the right when making left turns.
Stop before all stopsigns and line, then proceed slowly into th intersection.
Check blind spots BEFORE making changes.
15mph in school zone.
Do not signal too early.
Stay right of yellow lines at all times.
signal after street but before turn.
Watch left turns.

These are the most important things I can think of at the moment so here I go!!!

Ha! I'm ready now . . .

. . . I think? So I went to another area today with conditions similar to the test area, and drove around for hours. In most states if you practice in the test area, they take your permit for a year and you cannot get a license. So, I found a similar area and did everything by the book, keeping a close eye on the speed and keeping it five under the limit in the school zone. Felt like an idiot driving 15mph through the roads, but it had to be done. I needed to know exactly what it felt like, so in my bones I'd be able to help keep the speed right. Stop before the line, and stop sign, then inch forward and move through the intersection etc . . . Tomorrow I'm going to be as close to damn perfect as I possibly can be.

I've done my nails, my hair, laid out the perfect outfit to have my picture taken in, everything. I know, I can hear you asking, what the frell is this woman talking about. Well for me, I like leaving nothing to chance, and every little bit helps. Its a confidence thing, if I look my best, I feel better than if I'm frumpy. Plus I so want a good picture on my drivers license, only way to do that, I prep! I'm going to send this, then probably hit the sack, get plenty of sleep so I'll be refreshed and rested. Get up early, have a good breakfast, lit it digest, put a final coat of pain on my nails and then go. I'll meditate for ten minutes before the test so I'm being nice and zen about it, and then just do it! This time I'll get it right!!! The perfect outfit is important because it frames my face properly on the bottom, nice crossdyed purple against the skin, a suede plum jacket over the top, just the right amount of framing to pick up on my coloration and I'll be good to go. Silver necklace for a bit of pop, and fine elongated teardrop leaf earrings in a shiny purple that works with the blouse, and green details to bring out my eyes. Just a light touch of Raspbery tint lip gloss, and a light dusting of powder on freshly exfoliated skin. Thankfully I don't need much makeup to look good, and natural!

Happy birthday to me!

So it was three years ago today that I started this journey and I've come a long way in a short time. I'd started with what I thought was going to be a ten year plan to finally being me, and now three years later I'm post-op and legally ever more female! Damn, time sure flies sometimes! Do I have any regrets? Yeah one. . . I should have done this so many years ago!

Amazing what you can accomplish when you put your heart and mind into something that means so much to you. Amazing the freedom and peace I feel now, the way I've come out of my chrysalis a lovely butterfly free to take to the skys instead of stuck a prisoner of the crushing gravity of my previous life.

FRAK! One stupid mistake!

So today I went over to a place across the street from DMV that will let you take the test in their car with having to schedule the test and bring your own car. The one problem is that I failed this test because I was two miles an hour over the speed limit in a school zone. TWO! This place has a zero tolerance policy and DMV and the local police check drivers tests for this. So I have to go back next week on tuesday and retake it. I'm going to go five mph UNDER this time just to be safe, because I so want to get this done.

Wow, a permit? 42 years old and I have a drivers permit . . .

So I finished drivers ed, went to DMV, took the written test, and passed it with a perfect score! Cool! Had my picture taken, and now I just have to deal with making arrangements for a road test. Fun, fun, fun!

TAARNA The Tarakian and I.

Well, today's mail brought me the DVD copy of Heavy Metal, a movie that once seen has stayed with me for one main reason.

Many claim that Heavy Metal is very negative, even misogynistic in tone. While many of the early sequences paint women in a less than ideal or favorable light the last sequence of the film, when we meet Taarna, we find redemption and a very positive light painted with a heavy brush.

Taarna is a Tarakian, the LAST of her line, her "breed" and a warrior. She's called upon to Avenge the death of a people, the end of an age, to fulfill a promise, a pact made long before she was born. She takes up her her sword, and the 'armor' of her birthright and sets out to answer her call.

What can one woman do? What indeed!

Taarna is captured, tortured, abused and left for dead. She goes on to fight the leader of the Mutants, and then, to face certain death in the ultimate battle against evil. Her wounds, from torture and her battle with the mutant leader can not be pleasant or painfree. Her will however tired and wounded her body, is not broken, her duty no less clear, and she fights against all this, and of course certain death to do what is right, and close the lid on the box so to speak. From her death, she is reborn, a new defender takes up the mantle of defense against evil to protect the next generation.

I'm not Taara, and while I don't really want to die defending time and space against evil, given the same situation I cannot say I'd do things any differently.

I've been beaten, abused, violated and more. I've had my birthright stripped from me, my very soul torn and tortured to conform to someone else's vision of the universe and yet I've survived. I fought the hard battles with myself, and the world and its peoples, and while I wouldn't say I am victorious, I will say I'm still here.

Adam Smith in his writings on the Legend of Taarna (also www.taarna.net) writes in part;

"But in this age of darkness and nihilism, I believe virtue and beauty should be credited wherever found, even in the most unusual places. In St. Paul’s words, “whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is gracious, if there is any excellence, if there is anything worthy of praise, think about these things.” Philippians 4:8. I find this a fitting description for Taarna, and I hope that you will find her story edifying, uplifting, and a source of inspiration as I did 24 years ago, and still do today."

And I'd have to say I agree. From the first time I saw Heavy Metal until now, I was captivated by Taarna. Now, all these years later, I remain so. All these years later I'm reminded of my own struggles with Domestic Violence, Mental illness, and Gender. While my life is far from perfect, and I've been through the fires of hell more times than I wish to count or think about, I am reborn.

My heart, soul, spirit and birthright are all once again mine. NO longer will I sit quietly by and have my life force, my spirit stripped from me. Never again will I be accept being told, NO, YOU cannot possibly be, are not allow to exist. I will fight for my heart, my soul, my right to express myself and live my life HONESTLY.

I may not be an actual Tarakian, but I get it, I understand and have stood against adversity and pain to protect my spirit, my heart, my beauty. I have sacrificed everything, including life as I once knew it, once held it to be, to fight for truth and beauty. I am not the person I was as recently as five years ago, and while that person is missed, and the value and beauty in the sacrifice made not forgotten, I am not the same.

I feel a kinship not with an animated character in a movie, but who and what she represents. I am reborn, I am ME, I am, the last of my line, and I am a new Tarakian . . .

Communications, Mental Illness and growth . . .

I'm not even close to perfect. I'm just a girl dealing with a lifetime of stuff that has been, shall we say, less than favorable. A lifetime of abuse specifically, and of course my own internal issues have left me with problems, and plenty of them. My growth and changes have left the lions share of people around me lamenting the loss of the person I was. Not a week goes by that I don't find myself reminding folks I've known for years that I'm not HIM. That guy they knew, for better or worse, is gone.

Because these are people I care about, and the effect years of abuse have had on me, quite often I try too hard to please other people. I know this to be a problem and I'm working on it. I try to keep track of myself, how I relate to the world, and how I communicate. I am dealing with Mental Illness and this makes things more difficult for me, and the folks around me, but hey, I'm trying. I'm working hard on growth, healing and recovery where possible.

Some people, too many people, try to blindly PUSH through things to avoid change and growth. Some people seem to feel, subconsciously, that it is MY job, MY problem and that I should change to fit into their own bit of brokenness. I'm sorry, but I've long since outgrown, or burned out, on the obsessive NEED to be right and have all the answers. Even to the stupid s5it no one really thinks about or cares.

Case in point, the government is stupid and at many levels a very simply run organization. Cost matters, and in many places they nickel and dime things to death. The Food Stamp program is one such instance where this is seen to be true. Someone I know just started, as part if her own journey of healing and growth, on Food Stamps. Great, wonderful, awesome, she's getting some much needed help.

No one cares, or gives a flying pig when or why the FS program will prorate the amount available. Reality check here; You start in the middle of the month, they give you only as much as days remain in the month. NO ONE except maybe the person getting FS gives a flying fig that the portion of the month BEFORE FS started the person may not have had much to eat. The government doesn't CARE, you were NOT their problem then, so of course they are going to prorate it.

Me I had to sit through a lecture of why it is stupid and even somewhat insensitive. I had to sit, biting down on my tongue to keep from saying something, anything, because it would have served only to fuel this persons wrath and brand of brokenness and use me as the target. I don't really fracking CARE! Damn it girl, you are broken, need to be on disability so you can focus on healing and growth, not just beat into your own and everyone else's minds why you are so broken.

Communications is as much learned as innate, nature and nurture combine to form a matrix that gives us some direction and then life is the process of growth, change, learning and so forth. The definition of insanity for many is doing the same thing time and again expecting a different response. Men and women have two completely different styles of communication and at times it is, in my experience, like speaking two very different languages. Those of us "gifted" with Gender issues understand the torment of trying to be someone we are not.

Some people, for whatever reason, just refuse to heal and grow. This includes but is not limited to picking a damn gender. Just pick one, go there, and be done with it. Worse yet, find a way to communicate that WORKS and go with it, some people, know, down to a horrific level of detail EXACTLY how gender communications works for BOTH genders and can switch back and forth with an ease that makes those of us stuck with one or the other envious.

REFUSING to pick a language, a style of communications that people can relate to is what brings me to this level of frustration. Sitting right on the fence teasing BOTH sides with language and communications that works for neither is just cruel. BULLSHIT you don't think in one or the other, you've shown, time and again you can. Refusing to because its HARD? Come off it, grow up! Life isn't easy, isn't meant to be, and like anything, the rewards are there.

You're broken enough, without having to prove it constantly! Sitting halfway between worlds and taunting both is simply MEAN, NOT easy. Well, I sit corrected, yeah, it's easy to pick on the crippled kids. But when you are the one crippled and you come off all pompous, high and mighty and then manage through double talk to get everyone hooked on what you are saying and trying to keep up, we eventually tire of this. Get over it! Really! Male, female, pick one already! Don't sit between like you are some super being who knows better than everyone and hit us because we can't keep up or even follow you more than half the time.

Get over the dissection of everything into atoms leaving crap everywhere! Stop breaking it down to math and actually try to live for a change. Talk WITH people, NOT AT THEM and see where that can take you. When you are faced with someone who admits she's not perfect, doesn't know everything, and is WORKING hard on healing and growth, DON'T KICK the shit out of her every change you get.

I'm terrified of speaking, of saying ANYTHING because NOTHING I say is ever good enough, right enough, accurate or perfect enough. I live in the real world, I avoid the news, I KNOW WHAT I'VE seen, lived, am trying to survive. I really don't give a flying pig about libertarian dogma, and it is dogma. You have it burned so deep into you somehow you are incapable, or unwilling to see WHAT ACTUALLY IS, before you go ripping it to shreds. I'm sure . . .

I'm sure I meant to finish this, but it will have to wait I guess . . .

Drivers Education?!

Wow, 42 years old and I'm just starting life all over again. Like signing up for Drivers Education to get the discount off my insurance, and be certain when I test for my new license I don't screw it up.

His old life, that old life, is rapidly falling by the wayside, and the last vestiages with him. Because of my history of being stalked and abused, because of the fear and lasting pain my Late Husband and his parents burned into my heart and soul, I've been forced to start completely fresh. This includes being 42 years old and a new driver. Woof!

For the nonce I need to wash my hair and get cleaned up as I'm going to take part in a study at Colorado University about transissues . . .

I'll let you all know how that goes! Oh yeah, one other thing, I may be moving my blog soon, just so that I can more easily integrate it with my server and the content I'm building there.

Caio!

NY gender law not realistic - Opinions

NY gender law not realistic - Opinions

I'm sorry, but since when are stupid bigots allowed to come of sounding like experts. I don't usually like to call people names, but steve Kook is just that a Kook! Hey, we are the only ones allowed to engage in revisionist history, we let anyone do it and we won't have control anymore. That in a nutshell is his argument.

Wake up Steve. I've been female, through and through, for as long as I KNEW the difference between the two. Medically I've undertaken, willingly, numerous steps to correct what I consider little more than a birth defect doctors missed when they "guessed" at my gender. Hormone replacement therapy is a major, irreversible step, after more than a year the way back is risky and not likely to be all that sucessful. After seven years (just four years from now) every cell in my body will have been replaced by one completely female in nature. What genitalia I have at the time will be far less significant than what my blood chemistry says. What is between my legs, of between my shoulders is not what makes me a woman. What is between my ears on the other hand is now, always has been, and will ever more be female. My mind. I tried to change it, attempted three decades of lies, deceit and acting toseem like someone I'm not. My health, happiness and welfare however suffered greatly.

I have, as a person BORN here, in the United States of America, certain rights given to me by the founding fathers. These brave and stubborn men fought King and crown to step forward and loudly proclaim:

"We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal, that they are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable Rights, that among these are Life, Liberty and the pursuit of Happiness.--That to secure these rights, Governments are instituted among Men, deriving their just powers from the consent of the governed, --"

Wow, a real page turner!

Seriously though, this has nothing to do with you specious and out right discriminatory thinking and arguments. The US constitution forwards additional rights, including but not limited to the following:

"Amendment IV

The right of the people to be secure in their persons, houses, papers, and effects, against unreasonable searches and seizures, shall not be violated, and no warrants shall issue, but upon probable cause, supported by oath or affirmation, and particularly describing the place to be searched, and the persons or things to be seized. "

How do these two things go together? Simple, 99% of my paperwork says I'm female, a woman, a United States citizen by birth. The one last, tiny bit of information is incongruent with the rest of my life, and can cause huge problems, including but not limited to gross violation of my forth amendment rights. Then of course, there is my fifth amendment right:

"Amendment V

No person shall be held to answer for a capital, or otherwise infamous crime, unless on a presentment or indictment of a grand jury, except in cases arising in the land or naval forces, or in the militia, when in actual service in time of war or public danger; nor shall any person be subject for the same offense to be twice put in jeopardy of life or limb; nor shall be compelled in any criminal case to be a witness against himself, nor be deprived of life, liberty, or property, without due process of law; nor shall private property be taken for public use, without just compensation. "

In short, 1% of my paperwork incriminates me without so much as a by your leave, and on the face of it violates my fifth amendment rights.

I don't want to be some kind of gender varient "creature" the circus freak who's life is half male, half female, and never quite whole.

With God as my witness, I don't WANT to be a woman. Despite this being the twenty first century, bigots are everywhere, and women everywhere are still second class citizens, in some places worse that that, we are not even considered human. I can think of any number of other things that I could do with the time, effort, money, blood, sweat and tears spent reaching "congruence" and if there was any way I could survive the ongoing charade of the last thrity years, I'd give it a go. Oh wait, did that, time and time again.

I don't want to be a woman, I just am one. It has nothing to do with clothes, shoes, shopping or makeup! Well, maybe shoes . . . :-o) I has everything to do with the fact that when I open my mouth a woman's heart, mind, soul and spirit express in a clearly and distinctly female fashion. Why? Just because I'm a woman, I didn't, and wouldn't CHOOSE this, why it would be so much easier being a heartless, insensitive, unthinking bigot like yourself, making idiotic argements that have nothing to do with gender, history, medicine, health or anything else.

I suppose you are one of those completely slimy morons who saw araped woman should find, and marry her rapist and raise the child of violence together in agony all her days until she finally snaps under the strain and kills all three of them. I suppose you are one of those hideous creatures who believes I should carry my child to term even if it kills me, leaving another orphan in the world?

The founding fathers didn't set out to TAKE rights (or responsibilities) from anyone, John Adams didn't say: Okay,so we all get to be free and live happy, peaceful lives EXCEPT for this list of people.

I HAVE the same rights as you do, for the same reason, and while it is your right to stand and be known far and wide as a complete idiot and bigot for shooting off your mouth without giving it a seconds thought, is it my right to stand up in full public view and say "He's an idiot and bigot, here's why!"

So Steven Kwok, just take your idiocy and bigotry and sell it to someone with less brains than yourself. You go ahead and keep on shouting at the rain Steve because you don't understand it and cannot sell it.

I cannot be too hard on you, it is against my moral and ethical code to have a battle of whits with unarmed people plus I make it a point never to kick people who are retarded, infirm, or otherwise less advantaged than I am. So you are pretty much covered there . . .

I am a woman, never "going" back, never want to, and just want to live in peace without morons like you messing up my hair. You are a bully and an ignoramus Stephen Kwok, go play blind man's bluff on the highway okay?

Passing days, and memories. . .

Earl was a bastard, there is no nice way to say it, he was controlling, abusive, cruel and so much more. He was exactly the same man I married nine years ago today. On our wedding day he was more than just rude and an obnoxious jerk to my sister and a friend, he was violent and abusive.

He was also, for better or worse, richer or poorer, in sickness and in health, my husband and I failed him and myself.

His illnesses took him from us, from me, long before his death April 10th of 2006. Gender Dysphoria, A co-dependant, abusive relationship with his parents, diabetes, kidney failure due to high blood pressure, which was due to the stress on his heart and soul of living so profound a lie.

I've "learned" to hate him over time, to "see" how this wasn't my fault, why I shouldn't feel ashamed and a waste of life. But you see this is the crux of the problem, feelings don't always make sense. I spent the better part of my adult life controlling, or trying to, my FEELINGS to the point that it nearly took my life too! I've "learned" that I did what I must to survive, to live, to "protect and serve" my own life. To for once, nurture my own heart, mind, body and soul, allowing myself to be first for a change.

It still isn't easy. I still LOVE that man who was so bad for me, to me, that I am damaged. Well past a "Christmas cake" I'm the old woman down the lane no-one knows and no-one misses. I hurt, so much, and so deep, that I worry I'll never be able to love again. I'm damaged so badly that sleep without tranquilizers and sleeping pills is just a rumor, something other people do, and the thought of allowing anyone too close to me makes my already cold blood freeze solid with terror.

The days pass, and endless stream of tomorrows to muddy with the pain of my heart and soul. The memories however seem to go on forever. All at once I hate this man who violated me, took my heart, mind, body and soul from me and made me unclean, and yet. If he were to walk through the door right now I'd probably go back to waiting on him hand and foot, taking his violence and abuse as if it were my penance for having sinned so badly in my last life.

Today would have been nine years . . . Nine years of violence and pain I am trying so hard to escape. Nine years of betrayal and death of dreams, nine years since I gave this man my heart, mind, body, soul and innocence. I hate him, I love him, and I feel every bit like a drug or alcohol addict must.

She was born with her mother’s habit,
You could say it’s in her blood,
She hates that she’s got to have it,
As she fills her glass up,

She’d love to kill that bottle,
But all she can think about,
Is a better life, a second chance,
And everyone she’s letting down,
She throws that bottle down,

One day, I hope, I pray, I will be that woman. I will throw down the bottle of pain and memory that poisons me.

Don’t give up hope,
Some people change,
Against all odds,
Against the grain,
Love finds a way,
Some people change.

Thank God for those who make it,
Let them be the light,

I pray one day I will be one of these people, that I'll have changed enough to allow Love back into my heart and life, that I'll be able to let someone close to me, to touch me, to hold me, to love me without recoiling in fear and terror.

The days continue to march on, and I'm still here. Slowly growing, changing, healing, and praying for more miracles in my life. The memories however remain, haunt me, taunt me, threatening to tear down what is left of me.

I just cannot give up hope, it is all that sustains me some times . . . Now however I need some Chocolate and some sleep . . .

Today would have been, was nine years . . . I miss him, I miss us, I morn for what might have been, and children thankfully un-born. I morn life . . .

Oh my, what a day . . .

So I got up and out of the hotel this morning right around the time that I should have been checking out anyway and got an early start on what should have been, and was, a short day! I was on I70 highway before noon, and made good time to the CO line. My goal was the Front Range, and Denver, before sunset! Made good time, by just shy of 15:00 mountain I was crossing the line into Colorado. When I was just west of Limon I could see Pikes Peak, small and in the distance, but I knew I was getting closer! About a hundred miles out I could see the mountains, my mountains, small and in the distance but growing with each passed mile.

The tears welled up in my eyes and threatened to choke off my throat, I could only sit there crying, driving and saying 'mou, mou, mou, mou, mou, mou' for something like 25 or 30 miles. Had anyone been in the car with me they'd have had me locked up I 'spect. No matter! I was almost home, almost 'safe' back in the loving embrace of those magestic peaks. Several phone calls, and a few rest stops later I was looking at the Denver skyline, and beyond it the first hints of a sunset in the mountains. A full decade since my last, I just drank in the beauty of it all. I watched every lovely second of sunset over the Rockies, taking my time making the last miles to my sisters house last.

It was in fact nearly dark by the time I pulled into the neighborhood to see my sister standing there waiting for me, talking to me on the phone while I drove up. She sure was a sight for sore eye's, and especially mine. Last time we'd been in the same State, let alone the same room, was more than a year ago. I was home . . .

Sempre Avanti!

Ever forward! I left Cincinatti behind me and continued on my way west today. The weekend with Mark and Val was really cool. We spent a whole bunch of time talking, and just hanging out. Had Lunch Saturday at a wonderful little hilltop spot called City Tavern. Out on the balcony with a view of the river and much of downtown Cincinatti laid out before us, we had some great burgers, a bit of liquid and plenty of good conversation.

From there we wandered down to the Kentucky side of the river. We walked along the river, and then stuck our heads into Hooters of all places. Mark and Val split a pitcher of draft, and I got a pitcher of Sangria, and we all shared several orders of fried pickles. Now I like pickles, and be they cold, cooked into a japanese stir fry, or whatever, I really enjoy them. Lightly batter dipped and fried up like tempura however was a whole new experience and I really, really, enjoyed them! Sometimes you just have to say the heck with the diet, and today was certainly one of them!

Sunday we went over to Donatto's Pizza for link, where they make the most wonderful, fresh French Bread pizza! I'm talking real, honest to goodness bread dough, they load up with your choices of toppings and then put into a pizza oven! Very cool and not the most expensive stuff in the world. I mean for "fast food" this is worth eating and filling.

More just hanging out and talking which seemed to be the theme for the visit and then Mark had to head back up to his house for work at "oh dark ick" in the morning. I stayed at Val's sunday and we wound up up talking until late while Val made cookies. White and regular chocolate chip cookies and tea set off the day nicely.

Morning came, as it does, too soon and I got myself ready for the next legs of my drive. Coolest thing happened as we wer walking out of the house, it started to flurry! First snow flakes of the season to user me west, I was one happy girl as I drove out to the highway and headed west.

So I made a new friend, since Val is perfectly awesome, and reconnected with a dear old one who'd not seen me since the bulk of my changes. From my perspective, everything went well, and I had a great deal of fun. Mark and Val are still talking to me, so I don't think it went all that bad!

I made it as far as Salina Kansas, which is more than halfway, and puts me in great shape to get to Denver tomorrow. I stopped for the night, well really the morning, in the Day's in right off of I70 in Salina. The service was excellent, the room quiet and clean, and the sleep MUCH better than in the days of my youth when I might have slept in the car in a rest stop. More to follow . . .

Leaving, no plane involved . . .

So today I took the first major step to my new life, and home. It was a huge one, and the day lasted far longer than I'd imagined. My goal was 620 some odd miles to reach Cincinnati, OH where I was to have a few days of layover on my way west. Traffic and road construction turned what should have been a 10 hour drive into a fourteen hour drive. Seriously NOT fun driving wise, but some of the scenery through Penn state was amazing! Lush, lovely, color saturated Penn farm land!

It was dark by the time I reached Ohio, and then one thirty in the morning when I got to Cincinnatti. My friend and former roommate Mark and his new love were waiting for me, with Val's three lovely dogs and two cats. Three dogs who normally bark at everyone, didn't even make a peep when I showed up. Mark, Val and I stayed up until very, very early in the morning talking, connecting and reconnecting.

Finally at five in the morning I took my night time pills and drifted off to sleep.

Lit from within . . .

So I'm finished in the Ladies room tonight, and washing up and I couldn't help but smile. So many years I saw someone in the mirror I didn't know how to be, and the pain was always there. Mirrors, like cameras I avoided like the mythical Vampire eschews the sun [cause we all know real ones are sensitive, but don't instantly turn to dust right? ;-o) j/k] and doesn't have a reflection.

Now, I see a woman with a past, but who's heart, mind, body and soul are pretty together, or congruent! Such a simple thing that just takes my breath away. I'm not perfect, but I never wanted perfection, just some peace, and a face looking back at me that matched who I am. I see me now, anytime I look, and I actually like who I see. I have this glow, happiness, even a level of peace I never thought possible. I'm told it isn't going to go away anytime soon, and that's just fine by me.

I was also struck be how alien the thought of a men's room was to me. Why you might wonder was I even thinking of the men's room? Well I noticed in the stall in the ladies room that the door lock had a black line on it, and when closed, it pointed to a similar black mark on the door. I didn't remember seeing that in the men's room when I was still using them at this one building, and for a split second I thought "hey, maybe I should stick my head in and look . . ." and it hit me. There was NO WAY I was going into a Men's room!!! Ewwww, gross!!!

I don't know when or how it happened, but now, not only does the Ladies room feel normal, natural and comfortable but the men's room just felt completely alien. Wasn't any concious decision, or even any point I can look back on and say, Ah, ha! Nope, just happened when I wasn't thinking about it or paying any attention.

So, there is this new level of existence I have now that I never had before. I'm so much more comfortable in my own life than I ever was. I have this sense of self, of comfort, that I've never had, never dreamt of having. With it comes this glow I cannot explain, but really don't want to look into, it is just so much easier to revel in it and enjoy my life. This glow, sense of self, of happiness and comfort is not something I can hide, nor do I want wish to for any reason.

That deep down aching empty hole in my soul has been replaced with light, warmth and life! So I'm a woman lit from with in! The lights are on, there is a fire in the hearth and I'm home and it shows.

A Real, Live, Lit from within, Woman!!!

Today I went into RMV to start the process of getting all new paperwork, or at least a photo ID that actually represented ME!!! Today after filling out the right paperwork and four lines, I reached the checkout window where a new ID Photo would be taken. For any number of reasons, not the least of which is the fact that I'm moving and the state I'm in requires a three month wait to get a drivers license, and then a year as a conditional driver, I'm waiting until I move. My new state issues real drivers licenses to adults and will allow all the tests to be taken the same day!

In any case, I have my paperwork checked at three different lines, each one saying thank you Miss, you can go to window so an so. I finally get to the fourth line, and the woman there is entering my information and she looks up, obviously confused, and says; "I'm sorry Miss, there is a typo on your birth certificate, and because of the new laws I'm going to have to list you as MALE unless, or until, you get this corrected. . ." She looks at all the paperwork again, and then, still looking confused says; "Unless you . . . Um . . . Changed? If you have a surgical letter showing that you've . . ." So I handed her the letter from my surgeon and she says; "Wow, I honestly thought this was a typo, you look amazing!"

We chatted while she finished my paperwork, she took my money, and my picture, and a few moments later I had my NEW ID. My picture, my vital statistics, everything and miracle of miracles I look good! Who knew? A DMV photo that looks good, though I forgot to put on lip gloss . . . Best of all, I'm ever more listed as the CORRECT gender!!! I'm beaming in the picture, almost, no, "really lit from within" the glow of happiness real and obvious!!!

Post-op update . . .

A friend asked me recently if I had any regrets about having had surgery. Without missing a beat, without blinking, I said simply "Yeah, I have one, that I didn't do this well over thrity years ago!"

Still working hard on bringing my weight down so that I can get the rest done, well I'm also now working on saving enough again to even have the final surgery. Life, health issues, friends health issues, and so on have had an extremely damaging financial impact on my life of late.

I have to spend a grand on a new AC compressor for my car, because it just isn't drivable all that comfortably without. So that's another chunk of money I don't have, that isn't going to my GRS fund. A fund that is slowly bleeding to death because I'm not strong enough to tell people they are HURTING me and do something about it.

I get what bipolar is like, how it can, and does destroy lives, what I don't get is ignoring it, or not taking it seriously. Please, really, some people spend huge amounts of money to get even close to the way I feel when I'm manic. Now THAT is just NUTS!!!

In any case, I have to move because the place I live in is at least as bad as living in a landfill. Worse I'm spending, becuase I have trouble doing anything about it, way too much money on food becuase the person I live with is a slob of biblical proportions. Oscar Madison looks like Felix Unger compared to the person I "live" with.

This person REFUSES to clean, to help around the house, to be responsible and it is one fracking crisis after another! So, I'm moving. 1811 miles away. I'll be able to buy grocerys and keep them in a kitchen that won't give you an infection if you scratch yourself on something . . .

More to follow . . .

Oh my Goddess!!! I'm free!!!

Okay, so anyone who's read this whole thing from the begining knows that aside from transition, I've been fighting a huge battle with Domestic Violence and the law. I don't want to "get away with anything" or otherwise try and "duck" any system anywhere. I do have a reasonable expectation of privacy, safety, and freedom from stalking. My in-laws ARE stalkers. I don't know why, I don't know what their frelling problem is, what their damage is, or anything else.

I DO KNOW they destroyed my marriage, murdered my husband, and wanted me to be next.

They have motive, means, and opportunity to hunt, torture, and kill me at a time of their choosing and have shown a blatant and flagrant disregard for the law. They are equally connectd to organized crime, AND the Wall Street financial community. They are EVIL and SICK, there is no nice way to say it.

Until today they had complete and total access to my life. Knew everything about me, including details about my birth, my parents, my social security number, and could, and have used it to track and harm me. Today all that ended!!!

After a nearly 10 month long project, today's mail brought me a brand new social security card, with a brand new number! I'm going to give it to NO-ONE unless they can demonstrate a valid, legal need for the information. PERIOD!!! I'm going to protect it with my life, and if, through some miracle I ever get married again, I'm NOT going to give it to my spouse, and he's then NOT going to be able to give it to anyone else. PERIOD!!!

Now they cannot track me, cannot take money from me, cannot hurt, torture or kill me easily. Now I'm a few short steps from that person they knew ceasing to exist completely!!! Now I have a bunch of other work to do, like all new ID and paperwork, but that will come in time . . .

If the Social Security Administration says it CANNOT be done, don't believe them, fight for your rights and safety!!! Get them all the paperwork, and they will give you a NEW Social Securtiy Number!!!

Post-op!!!

I'm not completely anatomically correct yet, but legally ever more I've made the crossing. I have to fill in a bunch of what's happened over the last several months, but I thought I'd drop in a quick note. For more information about the surgery, take a look at:

http://www.electrolysisfinder.com/~samantha/Kimmel-orchi.html

More to follow shortly . . .

Finally!

I'm in the land of brotherly love today for one simple, but profound purpose, to have two of the three anomalies removed. In a few hours from now I'll be legally female for the rest of my life, and any hope of children, flesh of my flesh, gone!

I'm here in Philadelphia to have the nasty little "T" factories surgically removed. If I actually were a guy, it would be castration, having the testicles removed. I'm not however and this isn't. Three hours from now, I'll be finished, I'll have had my first surgical experience in my life, and oh what a surgery it will be!

Happiness

I'm still youn enough to appreciate the time I have left before me, and old enough to understand the gift I've been given. I really know what's important now, what's most meaningful about life, what's most important. This world will eat me up and finish the job Earl starte if I try to go back to anything like what I was doing. PTSD, GAD, Depression are all warnings to change, grow, heal and finally live a real, healthy life that I can look back upon and not see constant, painful loss, death and destruction.

My heart, mind, soul and health are important, my happiness is vitl to my health. Not optional, not secondary, not something that would be nice if I can get it. Something that makes the hard work, the pain worht it. My happiness is vital, job one and everything to me. If I, when I, have healed enough that I begin to consider sharing my life WITH someone, my happiness needs to be as important to them as it is to me. Their happness also has to be as important to them as mine is to me.

Never again will I get sucked into believing that eventually all the hard work will be worth it. No longer will I see the goal, the "pay off" to be worth all the hard work and sacrifice. My life, my health depends on happiness, the journey IS my life and my happiness. Never again will I bee foolish enough to focus all my energy, all my strength on the prize. I need to enjoy a bit of each day, draw peace, health, light and happiness to my life. It has been said time and again that you take nothing with you when you go, that passing from this wolrd is the great equalizer. I know better and while true that nothing physical goes with you, ite not the material that is important.

Health, happiness, how one feels overall about life is that remains. I know this to be true, deep in my hesrt of hearts, in my soul I know this. There will be days along the road that leave much to be desired, darkness, pain, and loss but as my Mother told me time and again, the darkness is required for contrast. I've had plenty of darkness, pain and dischord. Never again will I allow someone to drag me into the darkness to live there hpoing for some sun, light and happiness at journey's end.

Anger? What do I do with it . . .

So tonight at about seven I got very angry at the whole state of affairs for those who are blessed or cursed depending on ones outlook with this partic . . .

Oh bullox. Yeah, the whole ts state of affairs has me upset, but honestly that’s not it. I’m just tired, sick and tired of a lifetime of pain, and rightfully angry. Now what in bloody hell am I supposed to with that? Okay, so I’ve calmed some, I still feel somewhat angry. The whole bloody world has been simply rotten to me, my father and husband both abused me, work was a hell I wouldn’t wish upon anyone and I’m angry.

So now the question is what do I do with it? Really, what in the name of all that’s holy do I do with this anger?

Where will she be . . . Tomorrow . . .

I just want to state for the record there is NO reason for this world, this life, to be this hard. I'm so damaged from nearly a decade with Earl that I can't even walk around the block by myself, have not been outside the house without someone with me in almost a year, and I'm working hard on healing.

The ongoing saga with the Social Security Administration? Not good, they are bound and determined to have me sue them into the stone age and I'm ready to oblige. They are discriminating against me and have trampled my civil rights in the some major ways. They have also exposed me to additional danger for no other reason than the are hideous, vile, creatures who lack even a fiber of decency or sensitivity in their heartless, soulless bodies. Mind you that's the nicest thing I can think to say about them. Oy!!!

So where will I be? Probably same old place, same old life, dreaming of just a little more. Now thankfully the dreaming has morphed into a little bit of serious thought. One of these days I'm going to be able to leave the house, and drive to places I've always wanted to see. Go hiking around Sedona (and mayhap heal some too) and soak up the history, energy, views, and peace of the wide open desert. One of these days I'm going to buy a used minivan, set it up to go camping, and see the country one campground at a time. One of these days I'll finally leave the east coast behind me for good and go home to Denver or perhaps find someplace new like Arizona. Time will tell.

Like I needed another test to tell me something I already knew . . .

So I'm a total girlie girl (Duh!) but this is yet another test that has different questions, but comes up with the same result.

You Are a Total Girlie Girl

You love looking good, and wooing men with your womanly ways. You're so feminine, men are in awe of you ... which is a very good thing.

How Girlie Are You?

Mental Illness and medications

Okay, so as if having a birth defect isn't bad enough, more than plenty to deal with, I'm dealing with the specter of having a brain that is actually a bit off. Now I've not been formally diagnosed as bipolar, but I'm on meds that treat it and they seem to be helping. Having a "mood disorder" whatever it may be named is something like "emtional epilepsy" periodically the brain just kinda jumps track and starts playing tricks on one. Trust me it is NOT anything close to fun.

Inherited, learned, or the result of too many years of abuse is anyone's guess, but the simple fact is I'm NOT enjoying this, or the realization that I may needs meds for the rest of my life. I can hear some regular readers of my site thinking, what the frell is she talking about? She's going to be on meds for the rest of her life anyway? Sure, this is true, correction of my wonderful birth defect involves a lifetime supply of meds, so what are a couple more? Well honestly I don't know, but somehow having to take meds everyday to prevent your own mind from betraying you is a touch hard to deal with.

Betrayal, something I have had way too much experience with in my life, and something I'd hoped to put behind me. Sure, simple enough it is to isolate oneself from people that can hurt you. Trivial really for those who like the life of a hermit, just don't go anywhere, do anything, or talk to anyone. Done. So what to do when periodically the whole world goes wonky and your left wanting to die to get away from the pain? You take meds thats what, because while all the external pressors in your life remain the same, and you're living exactly the same life you were, it becomes more or less alien to you. The only way back is to re-balance brain chemistry to something easier to live with, hence medication.

Happy New Year!

Wow, somewhat had to believe that 2005 is gone, and it's now 2006!!! It is my great hope that 2006 is a MUCH better year for everyone. I've certainly had enough negativity and pain to last me several lifetimes, and honestly I seriously doubt I deserved it!