Saturday, August 09, 2008

The Hitchhiker's Guide to my life with Earl.

Okay, dear readers, it has been said time and again, as far back as Hamlet and before, that truth is far stranger than fiction. What follows is a real simple sketch of my life with the man I still to this day love. Even when I "hate" him for what he did, or allowed, to happen to me, him, and the people around us.

First a disclaimer, the noble eightfold path tells us, me, that "right speech" is important. The four noble truths say among other things, that all emotion is pain, and nothing lasts forever. I'm here to tell you I still have issues there, and this is from one who's been through all the cycles of life, and ascended to a higher plane of existence, free of suffering, and pretty much everything else. Once, long ago, the stereotypical little old monk sitting contemplating enlightenment and coming out with Zen Koans like most people breath? Well that was me. Been there, done that, and now I'm back. That's another story, not really important to what I'm here to cover right now.

So, here we go. Brief cast of characters:

"Earl" my late, not so great, husband.
"Earl's" folks, who one day I'm looking forward to them finally realizing what they did. I want to be there for that, I won't say I told you so, but I'm sorry for your pain, I grieve wit thee... And I'll mean it. Unspoken in that will be a lifetime, several infact, of I TOLD YOU SO and why the hell didn't you listen to me back then, and last but not least: YOU murdered my husband, your child with your narrow minded superior view of the universe. May you live a long happy life as a dung bettle!

That's good for the nonce. So here goes, this is fairly simple.

Girl meets Boy, Girl LIKES Boy, they get to know each other, she falls deeply, passionately, stupid in love with Boy. She's all about love, communications, compassion, sharing, caring and standing together come what may through life as a team. Girl's ex military, believes that no-one gets left behind and would have, nearly did, sell her soul to protect those she loves. Triple for BOY... Boy get's as far as "Three words, always" and goes back to football. Seriously, he couldn't say I love you, wouldn't, for the longest time, and then when he did start saying it, it meant next to nothing.

Girl grew up being abused by her Dad. Girl still had serious issues with Dad even though he was long gone from her life by the time she met BOY! She embraced the cliche with passion: "Little girls grow up to marry their fathers."

Boy grew up being abused by his Mom. Was still being abused till the day he died. Badly, horribly, horrifically abused and it cost him his life. Boy was the text book Momma's boy. Boy loved Girl in his own twisted way, but was also hoping to replace Momma with a woman who would protect him from Momma.

Momma, well let's just say that if you take the worst evil female characters out of every story in history, add them together, and multiply by orders of magnitutde, they'd STILL be wannabe's compared to Earl's Mom. She was, is, and will be for a while, a sociopath/psychopath with delusions... I mean wow! Poster child for the dark side of the force here folks who would slap the Emporer around and send him to hell without supper...

Earl's Dad? He was a very badly whipped nut job with his own history and problems. Together they had enough mental health issues for a small country's worth of people. I wish I were kidding.

Back to Girl and her Boy. They met, fell deeply in love, started planning a wedding and a life together, and then one horrible night, confessed their darkest secrets to each other. Actually Boy was freaking out, and Girl being an Empath, got all the things Boy couldn't actually bring himself to say. So Girl looked him in the eye and said: "Look, it's okay. I know. You don't have to say it out loud if it's too scary, but I have a secret too..." At which point she confessed HER horrible dark secret.

Now, what could be so horrible it can (and did) kill Boy and seriously hurt Girl you ask?

Well, Girl looked like a Boy, and yes, Boy looked like a Girl.

That's right dear readers, this classic love triangle with the evil Mother and everything else was complicated by not one, but TWO "trans" people in the relationship. Girl was intersex and assigned to Boy at birth, Boy was a textbook DES baby, who looked the part of a girl more or less, but had been surgically "assigned" as Girl at birth.

Boy had a vagina and didn't want it, Girl had that other thing that Boy wanted and needed to feel whole but couldn't have.

So matching hers and his gender issues out and on the table, they decided to make a life together and keep living the lie. Staying in the closet in the outside world, but at home, we'd be ourselves. Truth to tell it was a screwed up life. They were a screwed up couple.

But the love they'd found in the begining was real, pure, and the kind of thing you read in romance novels. Wow, a FTM marrying a MTF, you wanna talk about your odd couple here?

So are they G? L? B? T? I? or what??? Boy "falls in love" whith Girl, or as close as he can come, Girl just loses her friggin mind deeply in love with Boy. Who care's what the alphbet soup is!

So, yeah, in a nutshell, your standard horrible nightmare of a fairy tale with two gender challenged people trying to survive against all odds. Boy's dead and burried these two years now. Girl, is healing, growing and moving on with her life at a level of peace and consistency long denied her...

So I hope this helps?



Anonymous said...

Thanks, Sam. I can tell from the way you write about this that it is not easy for you to write about.

I'm not sure about all emotion being pain, but I am only a stream enterer at this point.

~K~ said...

Well it definitely lets us in and understand you a little bit more which is never a bad thing.It shows how much you have had to endure and struggle with which in the end makes you a stronger person.

I have a lot of respect for you in sharing what you have, that's not an easy thing to do. In doing so I hope it eases some of the pain that you have over it ...

You never cease to amaze me, you're an amzing woman my dear Sam..