Just for the record . . .

. . . I think "coalition building" that is all male focused is something of a bad idea! I'm a member of a number of online support groups for survivers of domestic violence, one member, who runs his own group, sent out a message to everyone looking to build a "coalition" so that people from different walks of life can get together and fight for human rights. (I thought the HRC was doing that?) He invited everyone to join HIS group as a central point for "Politically Active Familes" however the description is for "Politically Active Dads" and reads as follows;


"Politically Active Families", takes direct political action to fight for "family friendly" politicians. Key Search words: Fathers Rights, Dads, Men's Rights, Access, Custody, Support, Visitation, Divorce, Separation, Mens Health, Shared Parenting, Equal Parenting, Joint Physical Custody, Children's Rights, Domestic Violence, Child Abuse, Marriage, Common Law Relationships, Family Court Reform, Family Law, Mediation, Fathers 4 Justice, F4J, Parenting, Men's Issues, Non-custodial Parents, Moms, Child Abduction, Gay Fathers, Gay Dads, Lesbian Mothers, Adoption, Grandparent's Rights, Civil Rights, Parents, Grandfathers, Grandmothers, Judicial Law Reform, Youth Rights, Gender Wars, Missing Children, Men's Movement, Equality, Blended Families, Children of Divorce, Dads in Family Court, Civil Rights, Human Rights, and Fathering.
Contact Wayne Cook at waynevcook@rogers.com for more information.


Further searching indicated this person has put together a series of 60 some odd groups that are the inverse of his "coalition building" concept and each features the SAME text as above.

I have issues with "coalition building" that basically ignores women and our feelings, rights, and lives.

Okay, I'm officially pissed now!!!

Having been hospitalized TWICE recently because of the madness and mayhem Earl is getting away with because my lawyers are idiots not withstanding, I'm seriously getting tired of how women are treated around here!!! Case in point, Earl has managed to do so much damage to me that I spend far too much of my time in fear of what is going to happen next, terrified another shoe will drop squishing me like a bug ending my life.

Today I find out about a woman who's husband went to a doctor, CONVINCED him his wife needs to be medicated and controlled, and HE IS DOING IT!!! Didn't give this poor woman a chance to talk about it, defend herself, nothing, take these and present yourself for a blood test every week or we are going to commit you against your will to a mental hospital!

I'm sorry, when did Hitler get elected president? I thought that frelling NUTTER was dead!!!!!!! I mean really folks who the frell comes up with these kinds of things? Since when can a husband play doctor like that and WHY???????

I know our country is in trouble, I get that, there are whackos out there re-writing history and undermining OUR constitution on a daily basis, slowly trying to turning our country in to a theocracy, I get that. I also understand the country is so divided and blind that they just might get away with it.

Now to find out there are, I repeat THERE ARE, places in our country where ONE HUSBAND can legally take away ALL of a woman's rights, right here, right now, without so much as a how do YOU FEEL??????? Come on, we have to wake up, we have to fight, we have to stand together and say NO, THIS CANNOT BE ALLOWED to happen!!!!!!!

Talk about making one nuts . . .

So Friday they let me leave the hospital under three conditions;

1.) I not be alone, I had to call my Sister-in-law, who is also my roommate, to confirm she'd keep an eye on me over the weekend,

2.) I'd fill the perscription for Xanax they gave me, and take it until,

3.) I call the local out-paitent mental health place FIRST THING Monday and schedule and appointment. So I head back to the townhouse, met Ellie in the car on the way over to the hospital and waited.

So I called, first thing Monday, I spoke to Tracy at this place who spent half an hour trying to convince me to go back to the hospital and admit myself until they can see me. I managed to get her to skip the idea of going for admission and she said I'd be assinged to a Maria. Maria wasn't in, so she'd have to call me back later. Later turned out to be Tuesday and while I liked her right off,the first scheduled appointement would be JUNE 4th. She suggested I get the Xanax refilled until thier Doctor could see me and give me something else.

The hospital, after playing switchboard tag informed me they do not refill PERIOD, see my Doctor. I said my doctor said to see you UNTIL I could be seen . . . I called Maria back, she said you are STILL thier paitent, and I should go back over there. The main desk said see the folks in the ED, they said take a number and wait. On top of everything else, the lowest dosage was too strong for me, left me a complete Zombie.

So, if you are ever going to take Xanax, keep in mind Estrogen AND Prilosec both conspire to make the Xanax more powerful. Great!!! Zombie!!! So I cut the dose in half after the first day, zombie woman is gone! So I waited, and they called me in . . .

Oh, yes Ms. Q*****, Estrogen and Pilosec will make it stronger, we just couldn't get you anything different since this is already the lowest dosage around. What? You cut them in half? Oh well yeah that could work but we cannot tell you that. Oh, not going to be seen by the doctor for several weeks, okay here's 12 more . . .

In any case I didn't need to keep taking them, so the extra ED visit was an expensive pain in the rear . . .

I'm a lucky Girl, I'm a lucky Girl, I'm a lucky Girl, I'm a lucky Girl, I'm a lucky Girl, I'm a lucky Girl, I'm a lucky Girl, I'm a lucky Girl, I'm a lucky Girl, I'm a lucky Girl, I'm a lucky Girl, I hope if I say it often enough while clicking my heals together I'll finally be lucky!?!

So I really think I need to spend more time here . . .

I couldn't take it anymore, I just lost it, and checked into the local ER because I couldn't stop crying. I was done, over, finished, couldn't take any more pain, shouldn't have to, and knew that if I didn't do something positive RIGHT THEN and there, I wouldn't live to see the weekend. The scariest part of it all is being a TS Woman had NOTHING to do with it.

I really don't think of myself as a TS or TG anything. I'm a woman, I am trying to have some kind of life and I cannot handle all the expectations that folks keep throwing on me. My ex has taken EVERYTHING, and still people expect things, money, etc from me. When I say NO; I get abuse.

When I ask for help on the other hand the entire damn world is more than happy to tell ME know and when, IF I ask why; I get abuse.

So I was done, I was going home because it just isn't worth it, I have enough pain in my life to start with without people giving me more. Life post-ascension ins't all clouds and angles, BUT it isn't this insufferably STUPID and there are checks and balances in place and REAL FREE WILL . . .

Thank God and Godess for the folks at the hospital, they saved my life!

About children . . .

So back in September of 2004 9/25/04 I wrote about children and not rushing. The issues I mentioned then notwithstanding I have another obstacle standing between me and possible offspring. Fertility! I've been on HRT now long enough that the chances of being able to have children have probably vanished. Estrogen alone has a significant effect on sperm production and will reduce output, combined with Spiro, well I'd say even if I stopped now (which would probably result in my death) there's little chance I'd be able to do much.

Quite honestly I'm at the point that HRT is keeping me alive and stable mentally and emotionally. I KNOW myself, I remember what life was like before HRT, what I could handle, how I felt and dealt with those feelings. The problems I have in my life now are SO MUCH worse than anything I went through back before HRT and I was too close to suicide back then.

In other news, my lawyer has given me the okay to increase pressure on the creatures responsible for the madness and mayhem in my life. I'm starting with a letter to Earl, from there it is going to get very, very ugly for them. I hate that I have to resort to this, hate that I'm going to have to start acting like the "trailer trash" they have claimed from day one that I am, and hate having to go on the offensive intentionally taking steps that I KNOW will cause all three of them pain.

My letter to Earl was simple, a vague warning to instruct his lawyer to settle in the most general terms. In thinking about it as I write this I'm going to send a carefully worded letter to his parents too. It will come as a complete shock to them, and probably make me even less popular than I already am. Well it sucks to be them I guess. I'm even likely to send the letters to someone on my list of people who are close to them with a plea to have them take it seriously.

I'm getting closer I think to ready to start putting serious effort into my first book. I was reminded today of my dreams for a wedding and how much it meant to me. I'm a romantic at heart and had, HAVE this dream for a wedding that I think is going to be a perfect start to the book. Now that I know how it's going to start, and end, it's going to be much easier to write the whole thing.

Now this is getting interesting . . .

So time ago I start working on a serious transition and after months of herbals and patches that for me were only marginally effective I started on sublingual tablets and a blocker. My plan was to take things slowly and work my way up to "standard" TS doses over the course of a year or more. I wanted to give my body the opportunity to change and adjust to the switch from the minor amounts of Testosterone I had, to being primarily Estrogen based. The begining of April I stepped up the the next logical dosage on my list a bit earlier than I'd originally planed but based on the way my system was responding I didn't see any possible problems.

What I experienced however was a major surprise and has me seriously wondering. First for those who don't know, the "standard" feminizing dose of Estrogen for a TS woman is in the range of 2-8mgs a day with 100-300mgs of blocker. I'm on dramatically less than this, and in less time, I'm already having sgnificant growth in all areas. My hips, butt, breasts and even face are starting to change, and while I love it, I'm very pleasantly surprised.

Without question I have serious growth going on, what I do not understand is how? Such a small dose and yet this? One of these days I'll be able to get to a doctor and get some bloods run to know for certain what's going on. My personal hunch is that I'm intersexed or something close. Would have been nice to have before HRT bloods run to know for certain, but extrapolating back from whatever I find when I do get them tested I'll know more.

This is getting cool!!!

Well the core of my new electrolysis provider lookup system is built, tested and working! I've even gone as far as adding support for an adserver because it has alawys been part of the plan. Just a bit more work and it can go live! The Prototype is located at: http://www.massagefinder.org/electro/

In other news, by this time tommorrow there will be an actual picture in my profile, I'm going over to Long Island NY for a make over and a photoshoot! Going to be really cool! I am really looking forward to this!

Nearly a month now and she's taking another step . . .

. . . forward! I've been taking 500mcg of Estrofem since the begining of the month with great success and decided it was time to move up a step. So, three days ago I increased to 1mg a day and doubled my dose of blocker. The result, I feel great! I'm making my way further along this path I'm on and each step I take is better than the last one before. I didn't anticipate the the increased dosage of Estrogen would make so big an improvement, I am however pleased it has! My creativity, sensitivity, feelings, and sense of general well being have increased. I'm slowly moving up to "standard" doses, and looking forward to getting there, transition or not Estrogen is a wonderful substance . . .

Stepping things up just a bit now!

The Estogen patch for me is on the one hand a great idea, on the other hand having to replace them more often than I should because they don't stick is a real pain. So much so that I've switched to sublingual's tables which also gave me a big boost in strength. The Climara patches were 50mcgs per day and eventually I'd have stepped it up and up to where I should be. The sublinguals cut down (I started with 2mg tablets) into four pieces give me 500mcgs per day, eventaully I'll step up further to something closer to "normal" mtf doses.

In the meantime between months on high doses of herbals, and low doses of Climara I'm a B cup which is cool, but amazing too since I'd not expected any growth this early. Now with the higher doses, I'm actually starting to feel growth going on, which is also very cool!

Everyone is different, so I don't want anyone reading this to think that you'll have the same results. I've always needed less of anything to get the same results as everyone else, so your mileage WILL vary! The most important thing to remember is that slow and steady wins the race!

Me think she doth protest too much . . .

Sometime ago I wrote several pages in my offline diary about how and why women in general, and transsexual women in particular can wind up as lesbians. Me, I WAS firmly convinced for DECADES that should I ever get to this point in my life, I too would be a confirmed Lesbian.

Last month at the very first support group I'd ever attended one of the Women there couldn't understand HOW any TS woman could be a lesbian. She shuddered just thinking about it, and went into great detail about how she was looking forward to losing her virginity. She was PostOp and healed up nicely, just looking for "Mr. Right" to take her gently into her new sex life.

Well it was that whole line of thinking that lead me to two pages in my diary on the subject and of course my plan to share this with her during the next meeting. Never one to do things halfway I've been thinking about the issue further, wishing to make sure I've covered all the different angles and consider everyone else's opinions on the subject I realized something interesting and not the least bit "frightening" in a good way.

I too am looking forward to being held, kissed, caressed and more! Yes, that's right after DECADES of being something of a "man hating lesbian" to the point of having people call me that LONG before they ever knew my "little secret", I'm looking forward to possibly finding "Mr. Right" myself. Surprise, surprise, surprise!

Some how on the road time finally becoming myself, on finally being whole, complete and somewhat "normal" I've found out some very interesting things about myself. On such being that while yes, I still have a nice healthy lesbian attraction to Women, I find myself looking at Men differently. Suddenly these "Vile, testosterone poisoned creatures jumping up and down on the table pounding thier hairy chests grunting" don't look and smell as bad as they used to and THAT really amuses me. Talk about poetic justice, talk about how life can and does change in the most amazing ways! Here I am, the conflicted soul who while still in the closet had a Women break up with me because I was a "Radical Lesbian Feminist" and to out about it for her comfort, looking forward to having a man inside the vagina I don't have yet.

Katie broke up with me because she wasn't ready for her folks to find out she was a lesbian, and I would have "outted" her to her parents if they met me. I argued that my views were perfectly normal for a man and might be considered mildly homophobic if anything. Mind you I was still fighting my own inner turmoil and certainly NOT out to her or anyone else at the time, but I was a "guy" or so I kept saying. I couldn't possibly be a Lesbian I argued, I had the wrong plumbing!!!

Today on the other hand while if, several years from now my vagina and I have a much closer relationship than we do now happen to find "Ms. Right" I won't hesitate to fully and completely enjoy a serious LTR with her, "Mr. Right" isn't going to be a problem either! Certainly won't be any issue should marriage become a serious concept over WHO gets to wear the wedding dress!

I don't know if it is the effect of the shift in hormone balance in my system, or just finally being fully and completely "out of the closet", but I can certainly understand where Carol is coming from. One of these days, yes, I'd LOVE to find myself on my back, legs in the air panting and well you get the general idea!