About children . . .

So back in September of 2004 9/25/04 I wrote about children and not rushing. The issues I mentioned then notwithstanding I have another obstacle standing between me and possible offspring. Fertility! I've been on HRT now long enough that the chances of being able to have children have probably vanished. Estrogen alone has a significant effect on sperm production and will reduce output, combined with Spiro, well I'd say even if I stopped now (which would probably result in my death) there's little chance I'd be able to do much.

Quite honestly I'm at the point that HRT is keeping me alive and stable mentally and emotionally. I KNOW myself, I remember what life was like before HRT, what I could handle, how I felt and dealt with those feelings. The problems I have in my life now are SO MUCH worse than anything I went through back before HRT and I was too close to suicide back then.

In other news, my lawyer has given me the okay to increase pressure on the creatures responsible for the madness and mayhem in my life. I'm starting with a letter to Earl, from there it is going to get very, very ugly for them. I hate that I have to resort to this, hate that I'm going to have to start acting like the "trailer trash" they have claimed from day one that I am, and hate having to go on the offensive intentionally taking steps that I KNOW will cause all three of them pain.

My letter to Earl was simple, a vague warning to instruct his lawyer to settle in the most general terms. In thinking about it as I write this I'm going to send a carefully worded letter to his parents too. It will come as a complete shock to them, and probably make me even less popular than I already am. Well it sucks to be them I guess. I'm even likely to send the letters to someone on my list of people who are close to them with a plea to have them take it seriously.

I'm getting closer I think to ready to start putting serious effort into my first book. I was reminded today of my dreams for a wedding and how much it meant to me. I'm a romantic at heart and had, HAVE this dream for a wedding that I think is going to be a perfect start to the book. Now that I know how it's going to start, and end, it's going to be much easier to write the whole thing.

Now this is getting interesting . . .

So time ago I start working on a serious transition and after months of herbals and patches that for me were only marginally effective I started on sublingual tablets and a blocker. My plan was to take things slowly and work my way up to "standard" TS doses over the course of a year or more. I wanted to give my body the opportunity to change and adjust to the switch from the minor amounts of Testosterone I had, to being primarily Estrogen based. The begining of April I stepped up the the next logical dosage on my list a bit earlier than I'd originally planed but based on the way my system was responding I didn't see any possible problems.

What I experienced however was a major surprise and has me seriously wondering. First for those who don't know, the "standard" feminizing dose of Estrogen for a TS woman is in the range of 2-8mgs a day with 100-300mgs of blocker. I'm on dramatically less than this, and in less time, I'm already having sgnificant growth in all areas. My hips, butt, breasts and even face are starting to change, and while I love it, I'm very pleasantly surprised.

Without question I have serious growth going on, what I do not understand is how? Such a small dose and yet this? One of these days I'll be able to get to a doctor and get some bloods run to know for certain what's going on. My personal hunch is that I'm intersexed or something close. Would have been nice to have before HRT bloods run to know for certain, but extrapolating back from whatever I find when I do get them tested I'll know more.

This is getting cool!!!

Well the core of my new electrolysis provider lookup system is built, tested and working! I've even gone as far as adding support for an adserver because it has alawys been part of the plan. Just a bit more work and it can go live! The Prototype is located at: http://www.massagefinder.org/electro/

In other news, by this time tommorrow there will be an actual picture in my profile, I'm going over to Long Island NY for a make over and a photoshoot! Going to be really cool! I am really looking forward to this!

Nearly a month now and she's taking another step . . .

. . . forward! I've been taking 500mcg of Estrofem since the begining of the month with great success and decided it was time to move up a step. So, three days ago I increased to 1mg a day and doubled my dose of blocker. The result, I feel great! I'm making my way further along this path I'm on and each step I take is better than the last one before. I didn't anticipate the the increased dosage of Estrogen would make so big an improvement, I am however pleased it has! My creativity, sensitivity, feelings, and sense of general well being have increased. I'm slowly moving up to "standard" doses, and looking forward to getting there, transition or not Estrogen is a wonderful substance . . .

Stepping things up just a bit now!

The Estogen patch for me is on the one hand a great idea, on the other hand having to replace them more often than I should because they don't stick is a real pain. So much so that I've switched to sublingual's tables which also gave me a big boost in strength. The Climara patches were 50mcgs per day and eventually I'd have stepped it up and up to where I should be. The sublinguals cut down (I started with 2mg tablets) into four pieces give me 500mcgs per day, eventaully I'll step up further to something closer to "normal" mtf doses.

In the meantime between months on high doses of herbals, and low doses of Climara I'm a B cup which is cool, but amazing too since I'd not expected any growth this early. Now with the higher doses, I'm actually starting to feel growth going on, which is also very cool!

Everyone is different, so I don't want anyone reading this to think that you'll have the same results. I've always needed less of anything to get the same results as everyone else, so your mileage WILL vary! The most important thing to remember is that slow and steady wins the race!

Me think she doth protest too much . . .

Sometime ago I wrote several pages in my offline diary about how and why women in general, and transsexual women in particular can wind up as lesbians. Me, I WAS firmly convinced for DECADES that should I ever get to this point in my life, I too would be a confirmed Lesbian.

Last month at the very first support group I'd ever attended one of the Women there couldn't understand HOW any TS woman could be a lesbian. She shuddered just thinking about it, and went into great detail about how she was looking forward to losing her virginity. She was PostOp and healed up nicely, just looking for "Mr. Right" to take her gently into her new sex life.

Well it was that whole line of thinking that lead me to two pages in my diary on the subject and of course my plan to share this with her during the next meeting. Never one to do things halfway I've been thinking about the issue further, wishing to make sure I've covered all the different angles and consider everyone else's opinions on the subject I realized something interesting and not the least bit "frightening" in a good way.

I too am looking forward to being held, kissed, caressed and more! Yes, that's right after DECADES of being something of a "man hating lesbian" to the point of having people call me that LONG before they ever knew my "little secret", I'm looking forward to possibly finding "Mr. Right" myself. Surprise, surprise, surprise!

Some how on the road time finally becoming myself, on finally being whole, complete and somewhat "normal" I've found out some very interesting things about myself. On such being that while yes, I still have a nice healthy lesbian attraction to Women, I find myself looking at Men differently. Suddenly these "Vile, testosterone poisoned creatures jumping up and down on the table pounding thier hairy chests grunting" don't look and smell as bad as they used to and THAT really amuses me. Talk about poetic justice, talk about how life can and does change in the most amazing ways! Here I am, the conflicted soul who while still in the closet had a Women break up with me because I was a "Radical Lesbian Feminist" and to out about it for her comfort, looking forward to having a man inside the vagina I don't have yet.

Katie broke up with me because she wasn't ready for her folks to find out she was a lesbian, and I would have "outted" her to her parents if they met me. I argued that my views were perfectly normal for a man and might be considered mildly homophobic if anything. Mind you I was still fighting my own inner turmoil and certainly NOT out to her or anyone else at the time, but I was a "guy" or so I kept saying. I couldn't possibly be a Lesbian I argued, I had the wrong plumbing!!!

Today on the other hand while if, several years from now my vagina and I have a much closer relationship than we do now happen to find "Ms. Right" I won't hesitate to fully and completely enjoy a serious LTR with her, "Mr. Right" isn't going to be a problem either! Certainly won't be any issue should marriage become a serious concept over WHO gets to wear the wedding dress!

I don't know if it is the effect of the shift in hormone balance in my system, or just finally being fully and completely "out of the closet", but I can certainly understand where Carol is coming from. One of these days, yes, I'd LOVE to find myself on my back, legs in the air panting and well you get the general idea!

Newest version

Now she's gone and done it, again!

There are a plethora of symbols out there for just about everything, and some very talented woman have come up with others that I really like, but I'm against theft of others creativity. So, I've come up with something that is to my knowledge uniquely my own, something that really speaks to me, and will to anyone else who understands my journey a bit. Women who are going down the same path, or who have been there will understand this symbol perfectly!

In other news, while checking out how things are measured and why, I found that even with my fairly low doses of estrogen I'm having some breast development! So this evening I went a bought a couple of bras to get started with, one small step for a woman, but a great one.

I'm Transsexual and I'm Proud!

I'm Transsexual and I'm Proud!
So I'm really finding myself in an interesting position. I'm fond of rules and regulations within certain limitations, but never thought I'd find myself so at odds with things that I'd really see the point. Okay so I'm babbling, here is were I am;The standards of care say that I have to be ready to check out before I'd continue life as I have for 34 years. I've been on my journey for some time now, and until recently I had not considered things to be so bad a great change would be required. Now on however I cannot see why I should or need to continue such a rediculous sharade.I've been doing so much reading, following journey, trials, tribulations and victories of Sisters, and have come to reconsider much of my thinking. Yes, there is unquestionably work in front of me regardless of where and how I take my life, but there is no reason I should cave and take a path of continued suffering and unhappiness.I'm honored to find myself in the company of some of the most amazing women in the world. Women who in spite of outrageous odds and presures have struggled to bring thier dreams to reality. Women who represent the true beauty, grace and very essence of what it means to BE a woman. Women who have showed me, by sharing thier journeys with me, that the light at the end of the tunnel can be whatever you make of it.So in the spirit in which it was intended I "stand" before all assembled and proclaim:

I'm Transsexual And I'm Proud.

Dr. Becky, you are an amazing woman and you stand next to many others I've come to consider Sisters. In http://www.drbecky.com/sayitloud.html Dr. Becky uses some wonderful images to bring home a subtle but amazing point. I have spent 34 years that I can directly recall living a lie that was, is, making my life a huge mess. Why in the name of God and Goddess would I want to step into living another, different lie? Why would I want to invest so much time, effort, energy and my life into fixing one lie only to then burry myself in another.
More to follow of course, for the moment however I'm pleased to report I'm laying down plans for transition and will one day reach a level of completness I have only dreamt of till now. I am a Woman, and one day such will be plainly obvious to anyone who looks at me. I will also still be a transsexual Woman. Someone who has invested in her own life in so significant fashion as to be beyond reproach. Humanity can learn from us, people can learn from us, after all we learn from each other.
I owe lovely Women both known and less known a huge debt of gratitude, my very life even for helping me find the strength and temerity to hold my head up and shout out:

I'm Transsexual And I'm Proud.

So many things I'm NOT going to miss about "outdoor" plumbing . . .

I've had "outdoor" plumbing now for longer than I ever really wanted it, and it quite honestly gets in the way of everything. Sitting, standing, lying, walking, biking doesn't matter what I'm doing, this extra equipment is in the way of everything.

The design of what I'm going to wind up with is greatly more efficient. Nothing to squish, pinch, or otherwise adjust no matter what I'm doing.