There's some hope for the boy after all!

Earl that is. We were having one of those little "coversations" that used to be fun, but of late has taken on a note of whining. Nothing worse than having a dead guy whining from the other side. Usually when I say something out loud, he feels it's fair game to comment on. Which was pretty much the way it has always been. The other day however I'd had a hard day, and Earl just got on my last nerve with his whining so I said:

"Well you know, time here, and time there, don't mean the same thing. There's nothing and no one stopping you from incarnating into another life, back in the 60's again, to a decent set of parents, live a quiet and fairly easy life and be in your 40s now, so that you can go to the Cheesecake Factory all you want. Nothing stopping you. So instead of mooping around the summerland sulking and refusing to grow up, why not do something else?"

I said more than that, and to be honest, I let some of my own anger speak to the way he handled his life, and the damage he did to me. Told him that I'd always love him (and I will) but I wasn't IN LOVE with him the way we were. This is nothing I'd not said to him before he died, I'd said it years before that, but I think he might have actually heard me this time and had it all connect inside himself. I ended the converstion with I don't care what you do, but go away and leave me be for a while if you are going to keep being such a miserable sot.

I came home and cried myself to sleep, again. In large part because of the day and what had happened in it, and because historically days like this are followed by several days of horrific nightmares that make sleep a joke.

That night however was different. I had a dream and like so many in the past, Earl was in it. This time however things were amazingly different. So much so that I'm still kinda shocked, and amazed. I won't bore you with the details, but three things stand out as really worth mentioning. One, was for a change it was a really good dream, and Earl was in it. Two was the fact that in the dream he was the one who was odd and having to explain himself, he was standing up for himself without being a complete Arse about it. And three He was the Earl I'd fallen in love with all those years ago. He was fun and funny, and when his eyes met mine I knew, I mean really KNEW how he felt, and felt about me. He actually admitted things, in public, about himself he'd never told anyone except me, and was stronger than he'd ever been, but way nicer. I'm actually proud of him for the way he behaved and dealt with reality and others in this dream.

Now, I should point out that dreams for me are more than just symbolic representations of people, places and events that are somewhat etheral in feeling. My dreams are solid, substantive, have plots and fully developed characters and people who if they are (or were) alive, are internally consistent to themselves in my dreams. For me, dreams are more like DVDs on a Star Trek Holodeck. Everything and everyone is real, solid, and is just like real life. When people grow in my dreams, it is usually, though not always reflective of growth they are going through in real life, or are about to go through. Unless of course it's a nightmare, and then, well it's every bit as real as say living the same evenets in real life.

Anyway, this one was wonderful, and has given me something I'd never imagined as possible in this lifetime. Some much wanted and needed closure. He admitted things in public, with other folks around that I'd hoped by taking the divorce into court, he'd have been forced to finally admit. He was honest, strong, and had the courage of his own convictions. He wasn't deep in the pit of despair known as suicidal depression. He was a nice guy. He was nice to me, defended me, stood up for once and defended me. And he gave me that look that spoke volumes. All the rest was icing on the cake compared to that look that had hooked me so long ago. He was once again the man I loved, and was in love with, and I never thought that would happen again.

So now, I'm hoping that one of these days we'll take a trip to Meridith, where we honeymooned oh so many years aog and help me take it back. Help me lift the stain of our last visit there when he was still alive. Help me reclaim the beauty of it and oh, I don't know, sit on the balcony over looking the lake and talk honestly for the first time in well over a decade. Have a quiet dinner at the Boathouse and split an order of "Almost Escargo" one night, go to the Cheesecake Factory, together, finally, and revel in the yummy goodness. Help me bring this decade long nightmare to something of a better conclusion. Breakfast at "Georges," shopping in Conway and Tilton. A trip up Mount Washington, Skee BALL!!! Oh my God a fall afternoon at Weir's Beach playing Skee ball! I want that, I need that, I'd love that! Finally take a dinner cruise on the "Mt. Washington" on the lake. A Foliage tour on the Hobo Railroad.

He's not a Psychopath anymore there in the summerland, he's equal parts of recovering from the knowledge of what he'd done, and trying to let go and grow.

I also figured out, and he admitted later, that he's lingering because he still loves me. My sister pointed out last night that I was litterally, factually the best person he'd ever had in his entire life, and some of the best times he'd ever had. Prior to that dream there's no way I could have heard that and even considered it, let alone believed it. But now? Well I've grown, healed some even, and can see that maybe more closure for both of us is possible. I've gotten past the may-december aspect of our relationship before, though admittedly when he was alive, it was only by a matter of months. I didn't let myself see then that spiritually he's so very much younger than I am, but that's okay, cause it means I can once again cut him some slack. But geeze, Mrs. Robinson I'd never expected to be.

I always kinda figured I'd out live him some, men don't usually live as long as we do, but I'd never quite figured it would be by this big a margin. So I'm willing to keep helping him heal and grow if he lets me do the same thing.

Never, ever in thousands of year would I have imagined I'd wind up being someone's spirit guide from THIS side of the divide. Oy vey!