Happier?

Sunday night was girls night out. We usually do Thursday or Friday, but because of a family crisis that needed my direct attention we did it last night. It actually turned out to be just my sister-in-law and I, which was nice. She said she wanted some time with me alone for a change. As is usually the case we got to talking about everything under the sun and then some. Our topic covered life, death, life and so much more, both in the physical world and beyond, it's what we do.

My sister-in-law thinks two of the best things to come our of her relationship with my brother are my namesake, and me. That touched me deeply, then again it's the simple things in life that get my heart going like a tilt-a-whirl anyway. Plus to be honest it's a very mutual feeling, two of the best things to come out of my brother's relationship with her, are her, and my namesake. One of the things we were talking about were how much our lives change over time, and how we deal with the things that come our way. Invariably when conversations like this get deep, and we start talking about history, there's really no way to avoid that mine is well outside of what many people have to deal with. Gender issues, domestic violence and rape, and so much more are things that have made my life somewhat less than a walk in the park.

Now my sister-in-law has known about my past since before we actually met for the first time in person. All of it. Though she still can't quite wrap her mind around me ever being a guy. Well you know, I can relate to that feeling, cause to be honest I have trouble too, and I was there. At one point she looked at me and asked me a question that pulled me up short, because at that moment I wasn't sure there was an easy answer.

It's been kinda rolling around inside me since last night, and while I gave her a long but clear yes, I felt like I was holding something back. This evening as I was working on something totally unrelated it hit me. Without question, Yes, I'm happier than I ever really thought was possible. Growing up as I did, dealing with the traumas (yes, traumas as in more than one) I had to face, I'd never imagined I'd be here where I am. Then with Earl and his folks and the traumas (yes, again, plural) there half the time I'm just amazed I'm even alive, let alone where I am.

Happy? Curiously enough, very, all things considered. Happier to be me than pretending to be someone else? Oh yes, yes, YES!!! Yeah, way happier. Like night and day happier.

And I own that now. It's mine. I've given myself permission to "wallow" in the happiness. I highly recommend it for everyone and anyone else.