Sunday, June 07, 2009

There's some hope for the boy after all!

Earl that is. We were having one of those little "coversations" that used to be fun, but of late has taken on a note of whining. Nothing worse than having a dead guy whining from the other side. Usually when I say something out loud, he feels it's fair game to comment on. Which was pretty much the way it has always been. The other day however I'd had a hard day, and Earl just got on my last nerve with his whining so I said:

"Well you know, time here, and time there, don't mean the same thing. There's nothing and no one stopping you from incarnating into another life, back in the 60's again, to a decent set of parents, live a quiet and fairly easy life and be in your 40s now, so that you can go to the Cheesecake Factory all you want. Nothing stopping you. So instead of mooping around the summerland sulking and refusing to grow up, why not do something else?"

I said more than that, and to be honest, I let some of my own anger speak to the way he handled his life, and the damage he did to me. Told him that I'd always love him (and I will) but I wasn't IN LOVE with him the way we were. This is nothing I'd not said to him before he died, I'd said it years before that, but I think he might have actually heard me this time and had it all connect inside himself. I ended the converstion with I don't care what you do, but go away and leave me be for a while if you are going to keep being such a miserable sot.

I came home and cried myself to sleep, again. In large part because of the day and what had happened in it, and because historically days like this are followed by several days of horrific nightmares that make sleep a joke.

That night however was different. I had a dream and like so many in the past, Earl was in it. This time however things were amazingly different. So much so that I'm still kinda shocked, and amazed. I won't bore you with the details, but three things stand out as really worth mentioning. One, was for a change it was a really good dream, and Earl was in it. Two was the fact that in the dream he was the one who was odd and having to explain himself, he was standing up for himself without being a complete Arse about it. And three He was the Earl I'd fallen in love with all those years ago. He was fun and funny, and when his eyes met mine I knew, I mean really KNEW how he felt, and felt about me. He actually admitted things, in public, about himself he'd never told anyone except me, and was stronger than he'd ever been, but way nicer. I'm actually proud of him for the way he behaved and dealt with reality and others in this dream.

Now, I should point out that dreams for me are more than just symbolic representations of people, places and events that are somewhat etheral in feeling. My dreams are solid, substantive, have plots and fully developed characters and people who if they are (or were) alive, are internally consistent to themselves in my dreams. For me, dreams are more like DVDs on a Star Trek Holodeck. Everything and everyone is real, solid, and is just like real life. When people grow in my dreams, it is usually, though not always reflective of growth they are going through in real life, or are about to go through. Unless of course it's a nightmare, and then, well it's every bit as real as say living the same evenets in real life.

Anyway, this one was wonderful, and has given me something I'd never imagined as possible in this lifetime. Some much wanted and needed closure. He admitted things in public, with other folks around that I'd hoped by taking the divorce into court, he'd have been forced to finally admit. He was honest, strong, and had the courage of his own convictions. He wasn't deep in the pit of despair known as suicidal depression. He was a nice guy. He was nice to me, defended me, stood up for once and defended me. And he gave me that look that spoke volumes. All the rest was icing on the cake compared to that look that had hooked me so long ago. He was once again the man I loved, and was in love with, and I never thought that would happen again.

So now, I'm hoping that one of these days we'll take a trip to Meridith, where we honeymooned oh so many years aog and help me take it back. Help me lift the stain of our last visit there when he was still alive. Help me reclaim the beauty of it and oh, I don't know, sit on the balcony over looking the lake and talk honestly for the first time in well over a decade. Have a quiet dinner at the Boathouse and split an order of "Almost Escargo" one night, go to the Cheesecake Factory, together, finally, and revel in the yummy goodness. Help me bring this decade long nightmare to something of a better conclusion. Breakfast at "Georges," shopping in Conway and Tilton. A trip up Mount Washington, Skee BALL!!! Oh my God a fall afternoon at Weir's Beach playing Skee ball! I want that, I need that, I'd love that! Finally take a dinner cruise on the "Mt. Washington" on the lake. A Foliage tour on the Hobo Railroad.

He's not a Psychopath anymore there in the summerland, he's equal parts of recovering from the knowledge of what he'd done, and trying to let go and grow.

I also figured out, and he admitted later, that he's lingering because he still loves me. My sister pointed out last night that I was litterally, factually the best person he'd ever had in his entire life, and some of the best times he'd ever had. Prior to that dream there's no way I could have heard that and even considered it, let alone believed it. But now? Well I've grown, healed some even, and can see that maybe more closure for both of us is possible. I've gotten past the may-december aspect of our relationship before, though admittedly when he was alive, it was only by a matter of months. I didn't let myself see then that spiritually he's so very much younger than I am, but that's okay, cause it means I can once again cut him some slack. But geeze, Mrs. Robinson I'd never expected to be.

I always kinda figured I'd out live him some, men don't usually live as long as we do, but I'd never quite figured it would be by this big a margin. So I'm willing to keep helping him heal and grow if he lets me do the same thing.

Never, ever in thousands of year would I have imagined I'd wind up being someone's spirit guide from THIS side of the divide. Oy vey!


Teresa said...

Interesting that you can heal each other across the veil

alan said...

You are a light in a lot of lives; it doesn't surprise me you have that much reach!



Samantha said...

Well a little old Taoist once looked at me in all serious and said "May you live in interesting times." Lucky me. Seriously I think this is equal parts my age, and years of service on the otherside, and my new found stubborn view of time and space. Normally when here one is not supposed to remember there, let alone be able to come and go as one pleases. Part of my "mission" parameters for my most recent set of incarnations is to figure out what went wrong last time I ascended.

You see I did the whole cycle of lives and growing on this side long ago. Then I spent, invested time and effort growing into my wings so to speak. I did the whole spirit guide thing and spent a very long time in service helping others grow and heal between lives. Then oneday I realized I'd lost something precious to me and my soul was dying. No one else over there had any idea what was wrong, what was going on, so they couldn't help. So, I fell, determined to find out what was "killing" me.

Mainly because when you die over there, it really is death. Not like here where the body, the shell, expires and we go on. So here I am aain, but this time with the resources and memory at hand I had there. In large part because I was certain it was something important that I'd forgotten that was killing me. So I was dertermined not to forget again so easily -- or at all.

As to reach, it's more like another area code than another planet or universe. Distance isn't what it appears to be. So I'm getting there, making progress . . .

Debbie K said...

Hi Samantha
I have travelled here from time to time from far away to read your powerful words of wisdom. You have been through so much yet even through the darkness your spirit still shines bright & reaches far & wide. I am so pleased you are making progress.
Bless you

Samantha said...

Hiya Deb, sorry it took me so long to reply, I got distracted by things going on.

Thank you for your comment, though I don't know how much wisdom there is, after all, it's just my life. Buddha I'm not.

You know if it weren't for that light you speak of, I'd be dead. Darkness, oh yeah, spent plenty of time dealing with that. Lived in the dark for a long time, guess it's why I can see so . . . oh my, what I said. That just dawned on me. Seriously, I have preternatural night vision, and it just dawned on me, I spent so much time as a wee one in the dark that it probably does explain my night vision. So "don't read in the dark it will ruin you eyes" was yet another bit off bull my father abused me with. Great.

Anyway, thanks for your kind words, and I'm glad you can find some helpful nugets hither and yon in my prose. How you doing girl? Gosh, I just realized I haven't been to you blog in a while. I have to fix that.