Wednesday, March 25, 2009

Life, Love and Validation.

So since validation seems to be the theme of the week, I'll toss my two cents into the hat. I'd round up for inflation and cost of living, but it's not that big a deal at this stage in my life.

The local lake I regularly walk around, and boat on in the nicer weather is open again for the season. Well, the lake hasbeen open, but the boat house to rent boats and sell fishing supplies was open. So I stuck my head in to see if the rates were the same from last year (they are) and noticed something that just seemed so wrong. It was a fishing pole with a reel (spinner?) that had little flashing diodes as you wound it. I looked at the guy behind the desk and said is that for real, or just something to make you look? He got all animated and said, no they really come like that, here, look at this one and leads me over to a rack of them and hands me the electric hot pink one. It too sparkled and flashed when you spun it. He says to me "and look, it's pink, so that you'll easily be able to tell the difference between your's and your boyfriend's." Nice of him to assume I'd be fishing with a boyfriend I don't have right?

So I walked about a mile, laughing to myself that they make them in pink now too, and the way he just took it for granted I'd want the pink one. Sure, he assumed that I'd want the pink one, but I know some women who hate pink. Me, I don't fish, I don't eat them, I don't do the whole catch and release thing, but it might be nice to just sit there casting and slowly reeling it in. Well I can't say I don't eat fish like ever, cause truth to tell, a good tuna or salmon roll is better than a fillet sometimes, and of course throw some on the grill and crumble it in a salad, oh yum! As to the act of fishing, truth to tell, it's a trick I picked up from a certain Air Force General. He loves the relaxation of fishing, without there being any pesky fish in his pond.

Sitting here, I slipped into a bit of a fun earlier. When I was talking to my sister I said I was feeling a bit of a funk and she said "Cold or Blue?" I said "Cobalt, maybe even midnight blue!" I always get extra down during the spring, I don't know why, but it's not usually my favorite season. Fall is the one for me, especially in New England. Oddly enough not even because of the famous fall colors. When you grow up and live in New England for as long as I did, the color is, well, pretty and all that, but there is this quality to the air I simply adore! Yes, I'm strange, I love the smell of a New England fall more than the colors.

So while I was in my funk, I was thinking of one of my favorite quotes from Camus:

"A loveless world is a dead world, and always there comes an hour when one is weary of prisons, of one’s work, and of devotion to duty, and all one craves for is a loved face, the warmth and wonder of a loving heart."
Albert Camus

That speaks to me on so many levels, especially on the note having someone special in my life. Don't get me wrong, I love my family and friends, but sometimes not having anyone to go walking with, hanging out with, someone watching my six, while I watch his, gets old. As bad as he was for me in so many ways, I miss Earl. So yeah, I'm steaming along, fighting the good fight so to speak, but sometimes being alone sucks. I still talk to Earl, but it's not the same as a hand to hold while walking, not the same as having someone to wrap their arms around me and hold me. I know one day, when I've healed some, and can start looking at sharing my life with someone again, I won't be so alone. In the meantime, being a widow just sucks sometimes. So me, I'm feeling weary...

At least I'm not Woolly right? You know, what Tim Robbins was singing about in Bull Durham? "When women get woolly . . ." Geeze, I mean really, I shave what little hair I have on my legs. But Woolly?

So one last question to the blogosphere? Has anyone hear from Sara at Sara's Navel? I don't have her email adess and it seems like her blog is gone. It's been four months since she posted last (not that I'm keeping score) but I'm hoping she's okay! He, cool, I got to use blogosphere in a sentence! Never imagined I'd do that!


Ange said...

Something going on with fish today.

And I've got it into my head that we need to put a koi pond in down by my garden. I'll be researching that throughout the day. :)

We noticed pink poles (hmmm) a year or so ago. Mostly Princess poles for little girls. Haven't gotten one for Pickles yet, because like you, I like to toss the line in without any bait.
It's been awhile.
Sounds nice.
So maybe just a pond I can stare into instead. It's where my mind's been lately.

alan said...

Some of the marketing today is rods and reels, pink handguns, pink synthetic stocks for rifles! I haven't seen a pink ranger knife yet, but I'm sure there is one somewhere!

We used to get the contract to build Mary Kay award cars, always painted Mary Kay pink. With the mix of fluorescent, sodium, mercury and incandescent bulbs in the plant you'd always think your eyes were playing tricks on you and it must be whit until you managed to find a white car to look at...

I do fish when life and family permit...don't catch a lot, but do love to fish!


Debbie K said...

Dear Samantha
I hope you keep fighting your funk, & keep up that good fight.
You have a very warm heart that so deserves to be loved.
Bless you.
Debbie x