Happiness

I'm still youn enough to appreciate the time I have left before me, and old enough to understand the gift I've been given. I really know what's important now, what's most meaningful about life, what's most important. This world will eat me up and finish the job Earl starte if I try to go back to anything like what I was doing. PTSD, GAD, Depression are all warnings to change, grow, heal and finally live a real, healthy life that I can look back upon and not see constant, painful loss, death and destruction.

My heart, mind, soul and health are important, my happiness is vitl to my health. Not optional, not secondary, not something that would be nice if I can get it. Something that makes the hard work, the pain worht it. My happiness is vital, job one and everything to me. If I, when I, have healed enough that I begin to consider sharing my life WITH someone, my happiness needs to be as important to them as it is to me. Their happness also has to be as important to them as mine is to me.

Never again will I get sucked into believing that eventually all the hard work will be worth it. No longer will I see the goal, the "pay off" to be worth all the hard work and sacrifice. My life, my health depends on happiness, the journey IS my life and my happiness. Never again will I bee foolish enough to focus all my energy, all my strength on the prize. I need to enjoy a bit of each day, draw peace, health, light and happiness to my life. It has been said time and again that you take nothing with you when you go, that passing from this wolrd is the great equalizer. I know better and while true that nothing physical goes with you, ite not the material that is important.

Health, happiness, how one feels overall about life is that remains. I know this to be true, deep in my hesrt of hearts, in my soul I know this. There will be days along the road that leave much to be desired, darkness, pain, and loss but as my Mother told me time and again, the darkness is required for contrast. I've had plenty of darkness, pain and dischord. Never again will I allow someone to drag me into the darkness to live there hpoing for some sun, light and happiness at journey's end.

Anger? What do I do with it . . .

So tonight at about seven I got very angry at the whole state of affairs for those who are blessed or cursed depending on ones outlook with this partic . . .

Oh bullox. Yeah, the whole ts state of affairs has me upset, but honestly that’s not it. I’m just tired, sick and tired of a lifetime of pain, and rightfully angry. Now what in bloody hell am I supposed to with that? Okay, so I’ve calmed some, I still feel somewhat angry. The whole bloody world has been simply rotten to me, my father and husband both abused me, work was a hell I wouldn’t wish upon anyone and I’m angry.

So now the question is what do I do with it? Really, what in the name of all that’s holy do I do with this anger?

Where will she be . . . Tomorrow . . .

I just want to state for the record there is NO reason for this world, this life, to be this hard. I'm so damaged from nearly a decade with Earl that I can't even walk around the block by myself, have not been outside the house without someone with me in almost a year, and I'm working hard on healing.

The ongoing saga with the Social Security Administration? Not good, they are bound and determined to have me sue them into the stone age and I'm ready to oblige. They are discriminating against me and have trampled my civil rights in the some major ways. They have also exposed me to additional danger for no other reason than the are hideous, vile, creatures who lack even a fiber of decency or sensitivity in their heartless, soulless bodies. Mind you that's the nicest thing I can think to say about them. Oy!!!

So where will I be? Probably same old place, same old life, dreaming of just a little more. Now thankfully the dreaming has morphed into a little bit of serious thought. One of these days I'm going to be able to leave the house, and drive to places I've always wanted to see. Go hiking around Sedona (and mayhap heal some too) and soak up the history, energy, views, and peace of the wide open desert. One of these days I'm going to buy a used minivan, set it up to go camping, and see the country one campground at a time. One of these days I'll finally leave the east coast behind me for good and go home to Denver or perhaps find someplace new like Arizona. Time will tell.

Like I needed another test to tell me something I already knew . . .

So I'm a total girlie girl (Duh!) but this is yet another test that has different questions, but comes up with the same result.

You Are a Total Girlie Girl

You love looking good, and wooing men with your womanly ways. You're so feminine, men are in awe of you ... which is a very good thing.

How Girlie Are You?

Mental Illness and medications

Okay, so as if having a birth defect isn't bad enough, more than plenty to deal with, I'm dealing with the specter of having a brain that is actually a bit off. Now I've not been formally diagnosed as bipolar, but I'm on meds that treat it and they seem to be helping. Having a "mood disorder" whatever it may be named is something like "emtional epilepsy" periodically the brain just kinda jumps track and starts playing tricks on one. Trust me it is NOT anything close to fun.

Inherited, learned, or the result of too many years of abuse is anyone's guess, but the simple fact is I'm NOT enjoying this, or the realization that I may needs meds for the rest of my life. I can hear some regular readers of my site thinking, what the frell is she talking about? She's going to be on meds for the rest of her life anyway? Sure, this is true, correction of my wonderful birth defect involves a lifetime supply of meds, so what are a couple more? Well honestly I don't know, but somehow having to take meds everyday to prevent your own mind from betraying you is a touch hard to deal with.

Betrayal, something I have had way too much experience with in my life, and something I'd hoped to put behind me. Sure, simple enough it is to isolate oneself from people that can hurt you. Trivial really for those who like the life of a hermit, just don't go anywhere, do anything, or talk to anyone. Done. So what to do when periodically the whole world goes wonky and your left wanting to die to get away from the pain? You take meds thats what, because while all the external pressors in your life remain the same, and you're living exactly the same life you were, it becomes more or less alien to you. The only way back is to re-balance brain chemistry to something easier to live with, hence medication.

Happy New Year!

Wow, somewhat had to believe that 2005 is gone, and it's now 2006!!! It is my great hope that 2006 is a MUCH better year for everyone. I've certainly had enough negativity and pain to last me several lifetimes, and honestly I seriously doubt I deserved it!

72 Hour Hold

Today is one I'd much rather forget about, let alone retell, but it is representative of some of the madness and confusion in and around my life.

I'd been feeling pretty good for me, depression held back a bit, and that anxiety, fear and panic also limited some all by medications. Better living through chemistry a friend of mine used to say. So, having finally managed to complete my name change, signed, sealed (both ways) and delivered to me by UPS overnight I decided that since my last few trips to the Social Security Administration office went well, I'd get the paperwork started.

I went in armed to the teeth with more documentation than the website claims they need in order to change my Social Security number. Earl, and his parents, are violent, nasty, evil people who making lying such a habit they don't know what turth is anymore. Worse still, because of their connections in Wall Street, they think they are above the law. They have said, on more than one occasion, since the day Earl and I announced our engagement, that he'd be better of if I were dead. They've also said that they can, and just might arrange that. So, I need some healthy space, and protection from these "evil-doers" and the Justice Department says that a name, and SSN change is the way to go.

Now changing your SSN isn't easy to start with, and one used to have to present an impossible amount of paperwork to even try to get it changed. In fact the only people allowed to change SSNs are the survivors of domestic violence. In 1998 by executive order from then Vice President Gore, the rules were changed to make it a bit easier on us, survivors that is. I went with more information than they required, and tried to get the ball rolling.

What a completely wretched mistake, a horrible, painful experience that were I not already scarred for life by my ex-husband, this would have done just as well. I have enough problems, and an existing fear, terror of "authority figures" and the woman I got stuck with 'Mrs. L------' of the  SSA was about as caustic and dangerous as any one person can get. I wonder if she knows Earl? Anyway dealing with her attitude, and the EXTREMELY offensive track she took was significantly more painful then having ACID poured onto my raw, exposed nerves.

I left hysterical in tears, fighting to see through the tears, pain and overwhelming desire to "put a more permanent end to my pain" than I could handle. I mean seriously, I was suicidal and wanted nothing more than to die and get it over with. I managed to fight it long enough to drive the fifteen or so miles to my therapists office where I spent more than an hour trying to save my life. Finally, composed enough not to be a threat to myself (or anyone else) I went home with orders to take a tranquilizer and take a nap. She (my therapist) called my sister-in-law and told her what had happened and asked her to wake me and check up on me when she got home from work.

I took my pill, but made the critical mistake of calling the SSA tollfree number to find out what happened, and all the pain came rushing back. In seconds I was hysterical in tears, and the woman there decided I was a danger to myself or others. She called the local police, had them rush to my house with the lights on, thankfully, no sirens and take the phone from me to let the folks at the SSA know they were there. The patrolman who showed up was patient, nice, and not there to make me feel worse, BUT he was required to either take me willingly to the local rubber room or hold me there until the medics could come and take me in. He said if I go willingly with him, I could get evaled and possibly sent home that night, if the medics took me I'd be in for a three day hold. What's a girl to do? I went with him and even gave him a shorter route to the hospital he'd never have thought of. He was impressed and surprised wanting to know how long I've been living here. Not long I said, I just spend too much time studying, in this case, maps . . .

Thank Goddess!!!

I got up this morning and called my lawyers office to see if there was an actual tracking number for the package he was going to send yesterday. Wow, there actually is!!! I went out to UPS online, and it says the package is out for delivery . . .

Then, without so much as a hi, how are you, the UPS guy shows up driving a rental truck and just leaves the package between my storm door and the front door. Not knowing the rental was them, and not actually seeing a guy in brown walk up, I figured just in case, I'll check and see who/what this was. I honestly thought it was going to be another Chinese menu, which sucks because I'm not the only one here that prefers my home made Chinese/Japanese/Thia food to delivery.

Sitting quietly between the two doors, looking for all the world like a kitten who'd been nosy and got stuck, was the UPS overnight letter!!! Finally, really, signed, sealed DELIVERED my new name!!! I didn't even need to go within 300 miles of the court house!

The waiting continues . . .

Well today was the day Jay was suppose to overnight my decree . . . Waiting can be such a pain sometimes!

Omigoddess!!! Finally!!!

Today the phone rings, caller id says it's my lawyer Jay, I groan and answer it certain he's going to have more BS reasons he cannot complete my name change anytime soon. I'm just waiting for it, after him putting me through hell on the phone about creditors and rights, I figure the excuse is coming. He said he ran around court much of the morning and the afternoon, and miracle of miracles EXACTLY like I said it would happen, my name change is done!!!

He said it was going to take them a few days to get everything typed up and finished, and everything would be ready on Wednesday. Did I want him to overnight the decree to me? Oh, yes, without question if you don't mind I'd love it if you overnighted it!

So now, I wait!!! Knowing that he's lied to me in the past, not certain I can believe until the paperwork is in hand, I wait . . .