Friday, November 28, 2008

Not the usual Thanksgiving conversation...

So we're sitting around after dinner, talking, having a great time, and My brother looked at my sister-in-law and said "Mom looked at me earlier and said 'Be you never imagined you'd be here did you?'"

She never imagined him to be the guy he is, the kind of Dad he is, and thinks it's cool. Which honestly it is. He's very involved in Sam's life, I mean he basically works at home and is a stay at home Dad, which is so awesome. But more than just taking care of Sam, he's engaged, and involved, he and Sam horse around together, and they have a whole lot of fun. I know I have as much fun watching the two of them play as I enjoy playing with my namesake. My brother is open, and available, and emotionally connected. So of course Mom mentioned that, and he wasn't certain what that meant, so we explaining to him about how he's exceptional for a guy, emotionally accessible, engaged in his relationships, connected. Of course we added in the appropriate disclaimers and said not like your "femmy" or anything, not emotional like a girl, so there's no reason to worry. He said good, cause I just can't imagine myself as a girl. I couldn't resist and said;

"Well that's good, because you know I'd fully support you if you did, but I'd have a hard time wrapping my mind around you being a girl!"

Without missing a beat he came back with "Now you know MY pain!" and of course we all started laughing. My sister-in-law paused and looked at him and said, "Well no, not really." and then to me "You know I know about your past, but I just can't imagine you as a guy." Which isn't really surprising, since she never new me all those years ago. My brother chuckled and said "Yeah, at this point, even I have trouble imagining you as a guy, and I knew you then."

I'm kinda looking forward to getting into the storage locker and digging out the wedding video... MY wedding video from well over a decade ago. I figure I'll bring it up for one of our movie nights and embarrass my Bro a bit. Why? Cause toward the end of my wedding he's obviously feeling no pain. At this point, I have trouble imagining me as that Starfleet Officer and a Gentleman kind of thing. Playing that part, the wrong part, at my own wedding. Plus it'll give my sister-in-law some idea of the guy she never knew.

Otherwise, we had a great time tonight, then again we usually do when we get together. My namesake, he's growing like a weed, and is smart as a whip. At one point he was sitting on my lap, and I started massing the top of his head and messing up his hair. I was really amazed when I stopped, and he took my hand, put it back on the top of his head, making it clear he didn't want me to stop. He's like the smartest one year old ever, and gets bigger every time I'm up there. Might now sound like much, but Thursday night is dinner and a movie night. We hang out, telling jokes, eating, and watching movies. So I'm there pretty much one a week at least.

My brother says I'm just biased.

I hope your Turkey Day was great too.

Now in the immortal words of Jack Killian at KJCM in San Fransisco;

"Good night America (and the rest of the world) where ever you are!"


Claudia said...

My thanksgiving was really bittersweet, but this is really awesome. I'm glad to hear that your family and those around you have moved on to this point. Then again I know your alot further along than I am, but it still brings me a bit of joy to read this tidbit about your life, thanks for the post. :D

Samantha said...

You know I was just thinking about an additional post, that I'll probably get to on the 'morrow. It struck me how far I really am from where I was just five years ago. When we were talking earlier in the evening I'd said to Val that I'm amazed at how far I've come in such a short time.

Ironically, my original plan had me just going full time this year, but I've already been full time legally for four years already. This time four years ago I was in school, studying for my Clinical Hypnotherapy Certification. Come December I'll have been a Suma Cum Laude graduate for four full years. Me, not the person I once was.

My life is full of people who've moved on as you say, and new friends and family who never even knew that person I used to be. They've heard the stories, my brother spent a great deal of time telling my sister-in-law about our past. As I said to her earlier, I remember it all, I was there for it, but I don't really have an emotional context for it. I'm not even connected to my own past beyond so far. It really was like a different lifetime.

I know at times it looks like this impossible battle, one that stretches on into the future as far as you can see, but believe it or not, it's an illusion. Five years ago I reached the point when the years of self delusion, and working, fighting too hard for something that couldn't really be came crashing down around me. I'd already lost pretty much everything, and I'd thought, everyone.

I had nothing left to lose and everything to gain, so like so many other things in my life, I put myself into it. My life depended in ways on transitioning, something finally for me, that I was doing for no other reason than to make MY life better.

It kept me going, alive and working on surviving. I look back now kind of amazed myself. Five years can make an amazing, astonishing difference in a life.

One of the things my Bro and SIL were thankful for today? That I chose to move near them instead of other places on my list. I have friends and family scattered hither and yon, some where even fighting between them over having me move near them. I could have gone back to New England, Colorado, PA, NY, NJ, even CA, and Ohio "won" specifically in some respects because my family HERE WASN'T driving me crazy and getting into the petty fighting.

Yeah, it's nice to be wanted, perhaps for some even fought over, but I didn't want and need more fighting in my life. And the people I love here weren't fighting. So it was so nice to hear them say they were thankful I moved here, wow, it was awesome.

I guess my much belabored point is this. Five years ago I was in way more trouble even than your have been, and in five years time I'm in a whole new place in life. Yeah, I may be "further" along, but it's only time Sara. The one think I most needed, and served me best, was my need to hang on, and build a new life, one built on truth, on hard work, and healing. A life built around my heart and soul, to nurture and protect me for a change, and live, laugh and love in a whole new way. What I needed most was heart. Thankfully I've got that.

"This little light of mine, I'm gonna let it shine..."

You know, while you're a bit behind me, I know you're going to make it, because what you most need to catch up, you have girl; Heart! Miles and miles of heart!

So maybe in terms of time you're behind me, but in terms of heart I feel like you're walking next to me. Next to Me, Veronique, Karyn, the other Sara, and so many other women. You're walking with us Sara, and we're here to help. I'm looking forward to the day when I look at your blog and see you still posting after five years too, and hearing you remember and marvel at your own progress.

Who knows, maybe five years from now we can all meet one day, have a kind of our own family reunion and marvel how far we've all come.

You my dear have your whole life in front of you, and where ever your road may lead, I think you're going to be doing better and better all the time...

I'm glad I could post, and glad I can share a bit of the future that's waiting for you.

Bet you didn't know I kind of envy you did you? I wish I'd had the strength... No, I had that, the heart and self respect that you do when I was your age. If I had, I'd be celebrating so many more years behind me, and my life would have been so different. I turn 44 this year, I'd have loved to have done this 20 years ago. I knew then, but still I fought to hold onto what everyone else thought I should be, and be doing.

So you, you're just amazing! You go girl!

~K~ said...

Hey Sam I'm so happy to hear you had such a great holiday! YAY!!!

I think it's tough to put into terms behind me or in front of me because everyone has a different point of view of what that is. What it can simply be said is that we are finally living, not surviving but actually living. Once you hit the point of self acceptance what is there beyond that.

Anything beyond self acceptance becomes gravy because what really matters is what we know to be true in our hearts. Being true to ourselves.


I'm sorry to hear your thanksgiving was bittersweet and I do hope that you find some joy in just being who you are but like Sam said. There's a whole bunch of us willing to extend our hands and be there.I'm finding so much solidarity in my trans sisters it isn't funny. There is no acceptance with these people because we just are. No more, no less.

So, if you ever need to talk and blow of steam, like Sam I'm here you can contact me if you like