Frankly it is the first fall in many, to many, years that I'm in a position to sit by the lake and enjoy the season. Trees many be muted, but the sounds, smell, and feeling of the day is still wonderful. It's also a touch sad too.
Why sad? Because in a few days it will be my 11th wedding anniversary, and sitting her, on the shore of Winton lake, I'm reminded of so many Falls of the past on the shores of Lake Winnepesaugie with Earl. We honeymooned there, on purpose, and went back time and again. We'd even talked about getting a house there. Last time we were there together was so hard on me, because I KNEW we'd never be back there. I hate knowing the future sometimes.
So, as I sit here enjoying the day, I''m struck by much I've lost, and yet what I've gained. The pain of loss, so real, and so lasting. All I have left are the memories, and the longing to have Earl actually whisper the word Ducks, with that tone and laugh that spoke volumes. Our own little inside joke. One I can still giggle about, but really can't share the same way... So I sit here, on this perfect day, alone, crying into a palmtop... Just another day, here in Women's Country.
In the immortal words of Orlan, "I can't believe how much this hurts."
3 comments:
It's not bad to hurt, as long as we are not consumed by it. Some memories are painful, but we wouldn't want to be without them. I hope you came through your sad afternoon and are holding on to all the good that has happened. Hugs.
That you can still enjoy the season, even with the wistful feelings of times past it brings, gives me hope that someday, you'll be making happy new memories to add to those you mention here!
Dry your tears, beautiful, and listen to the rustle of the leaves and savor the cool crispness of the air. Soon enough the holidays will be here, and the clock of a New Year will begin ticking.
One in which I hope I'll be blessed to visit you many more times!
alan
Hey Roni! No, thankfully I'm NOT being consumed by the pain. Oddly enough I'm looking forward to a point in time when I'm sharing a day like this with someone else, making new memories! I'm actually glad I'm being able to start reclaiming some of the good memories out of all the mess of bad and pain. That bodes well for my future!
So, yes Alan, one of these days, I'll be making new memories, in fact, as much as this was a mixed one, it too is a new one, all my own. For that I am very grateful!
Sam
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