Sixty Miles per gallon highway!

Jumper one started freaking out on me a few weeks ago, so I took her into Firestone and had them do a pretty decent overhaul/upgrade. Nearly a grand later she was purring like a new born kitten again. They didn't look at the battery connections, which landed me in a bit of trouble last week. Battery hadn't been charging and when I went out to start her up, grrr, grrr, click, click, click. Oy!

Today was almost spring like, so I pulled those connections today, cleaned them pretty completely and replaced them. I was going to wait till one of my neighbors came home and get a jump, but then decided I'd try it myself with just Reiki. She came right up, and I figured okay, take her out for a run so I could get the battery good and charged up. It was a nice day for a drive, and I'd really not seen what the new highway mileage was since the upgrades, so I set course for Dayton and ran her up and back.

61.2 Miles per gallon highway with just me in the car doing 70. Woot! I think a camping trip in Colorado is in my near future. Spring time in the Rockies? Hello, it's me! Seventy five dollars in gas to get to Colorado and back, to spend some time in my mountains isn't such a high price to pay! Who knows, maybe I'll be really crazy and make it a bit longer trip and head out to Muir Woods and Napa for a little bit, with a stop in CO of course.

Time will tell.

All in all, not a bad day, and really nice mileage from a ten year old car with 82,000 miles on it.

Life, The Buddha, and Sound Bites.

The Buddha says we spend our lives pretending to be someone else. The question of course becomes then who was the Buddha pretending to be? Maybe the Buddha was pretending to be the Buddha, which considering his history is actually correct, as he was born a prince. Of course it begs the question, who are we each pretending to be?

As Detective "Doc" Reese on Life said tonight: "Maybe I'm just pretending to be myself?"

Which made me think. The person I was pretending to be was popular enough, actually pretty popular really, but he was distant and disconnected from folks. He was amusing and not exactly pretending to be some sort of alien superhero. He'd never hurt anyone except in the line of duty (His words, not mine) and he wasn't joking. He was everything, everyone I couldn't be, and was (though I'm still not certain how that worked) super human. For those familiar with Stargate SG-1 and the race of symbiotic beings known as the Tok'ra, he was exactly that.

The great joy in my life now, the great freedom, is that "I'm" not pretending to be anyone save maybe myself. Unlike my snake, I'm not perfect and I don't try to be. As someone imperfect and growing into my own life, now that it is mine and mine alone, I find it interesting to see how people see me. While I was swapping email with a good friend of mine, who's views I respect and trust, she said:

"Besides, you may have anxiety that would put a squirrel to shame, but you are vivacious and fun and get along with people."

I read it a couple of times to be sure I'd read it right, and when I thought about it, it really was a surprisingly good sound bite about me. My sister-in-law added "kind" to the list when I mentioned Christine's comment. Having spent so many years hiding, terrified I'd never be accepted, let alone that people would want to be around me, it's kind of nice. It's also so very different than the past. It's taking some getting used to, but it is well worth it.

When and where possible, I try to live a life close to the teachings of Buddha, because it just makes sense. And I've long since given up pretending to be someone else, and you know, It's nice to find out that I'm doing a great job of not doing. In working to touch my own life with kindness and love, I'm being really messy, so it's getting all over the place. There are worse things I could be doing with my life. After so many years of trying too hard, and not really making it, I'm glad to find life easier and more fulfilling just being me. It's almost counter-intuitive when you think about it. For all the bad things and pain he brought to my life, I can't help but be amused by something he used to say: "You know, when you try to be funny, it just doesn't work. When you're not trying however you're so funny and great to be around."

Yeah, right. Problem was, it was kind of all or nothing. And neither of us were ready for that kind of investment in life. My life. But it really wasn't my life then. I'd willingly given it up when I was a child in exchange for the safety and protection that this alien superhero could provide. So now, for better or worse, it is mine and I'm not soon going to allow someone to take it from me again. Be it the person I invented to protect me, or someone I thought, believed even, loved me. Life is just a bit too precious to throw away.

Snowy Tuesday's and Doppelgangers...

Today was fun, and different. First of all, for the second Tuesday in a row, we are getting some serious snow. It's been snowing all day, and it's expected to continue. What started out as a watch, has been escalated by NWS to a Warning with expected totals in excess of eight inches. Yeah, as if last Tuesday's storm wasn't enough? People just south of me are still without power and have been since LAST Tuesday or there about. Last week, well that was so much fun. Four inches of snow, then two solid inches of ICE on top of that, and finally, six inches on top of that when all was said and done. Needless to say, we didn't go anywhere.

We? My sister-in-law drove out here from New Jersey to see my new house, and spend a week seeing the sites of Cincinnati. We spent a goodly portion of the time inside watching movies and TV as the snow fell. Thankfully we DID manage to do some of the things she wanted to on Thursday of last week when the temperature went up a goodly bit. Some of the most important things to her were to see the stretch of I75 I call Stargate Mile, and she wanted to at least walk from Ohio to Kentucy, to Indiana. Now that's not as strange as it sounds, since I live in the Tri-State area, in the southwestern corner of Ohio, and those two states CAN be walked to from my part of Ohio. So we got those things done, which made her happy, and after I towed her ouyt of the parking lot where she got her car stuck, she made it back home safely. So we had a week of hanging out and it was pretty good. Obviously I didn't post much or anything then.

So today, before the snow got to bad, I had to run some errands. Like getting the bills for the month out, buying some stamps, and picking up some groceries before I got snowed in for the next two days. Yes, I grew up in New England, and so far what we;ve had here doesn't even really count as snow. The folks around here, well a whole bunch of things they may be, New Englander's they aren't! So during and after a snow, I give them a wide bearth.

Anyway I'm on line in the post office to buy some stamps and from behind me I hear "Hey Sam, how are you?" As I'm turning to see who it is, I see Tony from Firestone standing there with a big grin. Not one to ignore people I said "Hi Tony! How goes it?!" with a big smile on my face. Mind you I have no idea who he is except that his jacket says Tony with the Firestone logo on it. He presses on with "Wow, you look amazing, you haven't aged at all, how did you do that? For that matter what are you doing here? I haven't seen you since College."

I turn my head quick looking for Alan Funt from candid camera and cautiously say "Why thank you, I take good care of myself when I can, good living you know and a regular glass of white wine. That's said I think you have me confused with someone else?"

Oh, Sam, I'm hurt! You don't remember me? We went to college together, I kept trying to get you interested in the soccer team but you weren't into sports? Wait, if you're not the Sam I know, why did you turn right around and say 'Hi Tony!' the way you always did? If your not my friend Samantha, how did you know my name and answer to 'Hey Sam' when I walked up behind you? You look and sound like my friend Sam? So who are you then?"

Wow, I'm someone else's Dopple? So we talked a bit, and I finally showed him my ID to prove I wasn't his friend Sam from School. All my life I've been mistaken for other people, or people feel like they've known me for years, but I figured, what with such a radical change in my life, I'd leave those days behind me. So while the line moved up we talked and he told me about his firend Sam from school. How we could be twins and that I look and sound just like her. It was just so funny to me, and such an out of the blue thing. He found it amazing that there were two beautiful women named Samantha in the world that looked like we could be twins. I just couldn't help but be smiling (though I tend to do that anyway) ear to ear as he talked about his Samantha (different last name) while we waited on line. This was a major first for me. Obviously I didn't bother to mention that when he was in College I was pretending to be a 40 year old guy. Didn't want to rain on his trip down memory lane.

So the old saying is we all have a twin somewhere, turns out mine is named Samantha too. I can hear "It's a small world" playing in the back of my head as I get ready to send this. So here's hoping you've all been having a great day!

I'm a little bit sad tonight.

My first lucky bamboo plant, around three years old, is very sick. In the hope of saving her, keeping her alive, I've had to propogate her pretty extensively. Mind you I already have two cuttings that are thriving, so God and Goddess willing, these will survive, spread new roots, and go happily into new pots.

That's a nice, comfortable "PC" way of saying I had to cut off all her shoots, and start them rooting, and cut the main stems off from the root system, and try to get them to root too. From the small little pot she started in three years ago, I'd already re-potted her once, and I noticed tonight that she seemed root bound, and that rot had set in. It was more instinct than anything that had me smell her gravel. There was a strong smell of death and decay there.

So I went to work in a fever, cutting, digging, washing, praying and lavishing the pieces of this once tall plant with Reiki. My clue should have been two days ago when I thought she looked more like a tree than a houseplant. Way, way too big for so small a pot. So, now I wait and see. And Pray. It's hard not to be impacted by this emotionally, she was, is, family to me, and I'd put her in harms way. Perhaps not deliberately, but she suffered nonetheless. So I'm a little bit sad tonight. I know all things, live, age and die, but this, well it just wasn't what I'd wanted.

I'm steeling myself with the thoughts that the cuttings will take, the stems, will sprout new roots, and I can go on from there.

Got this from a friend...

...and thought it was really good. Much of it for many of you will be common sense, but I've learned sense is seldom actually common. So I thought I'd share.

The Lotus Touts must leave your hands in 6 MINUTES. Otherwise you will get a very unpleasant surprise. This is true, even if you are not superstitious, agnostic, or otherwise faith impaired.

1. Give people more than they expect and do it cheerfully.
2. Marry a someone you love to talk to. As you get older, their conversational skills will be as important as any other.
3. Don't believe all you hear, spend all you have or sleep all you want.
4. When you say, 'I love you,' mean it.
5. When you say, 'I'm sorry,' look the person in the eye.
6. Be engaged at least six months before you get married.
7. Believe in love at first sight.
8. Never laugh at anyone's dreams. People who don't have dreams don't have much.
9. Love deeply and passionately. You might get hurt but it's the only way to live life completely.
10. In disagreements, fight fairly. No name calling.
11. Don't judge people by their relatives.
12. Talk slowly but think quickly.
13. When someone asks you a question you don't want to answer, smile and ask, 'Why do you want to know?'
14. Remember that great love and great achievements involve great risk.
15. Say 'bless you' when you hear someone sneeze.
16. When you lose, don't lose the lesson.
17. Remember the three R's: Respect for self; Respect for others; and Responsibility for all your actions.
18. Don't let a little dispute injure a great friendship.
19. When you realize you've made a mistake, take immediate steps to correct it.
20. Smile when picking up the phone. The caller will hear it in your voice
21. Spend some time alone.

A true friend is someone who reaches for your hand and touches your heart.

Now, here's the FUN part!

Send this to at least 5 people and your life will improve.

1-4 people: Your life will improve slightly.
5-9 people: Your life will improve to your liking.
9-14 people: You will have at least 5 surprises in the next 3 weeks
15 and above: Your life will improve drastically and everything you ever dreamed of will begin to take shape.

25 Random Things

I'd like to thank my friend Karyn for bringing this idea to my attention. Karyn did her own on her blog. Karyn you rock!

1. There are currently seven plants in my living room window.
2. I never imagined I'd wind up living in Ohio.
3. I am a survivor.
4. I am an artist.
5. I am an empath.
6. Relationships and people are more important to me than things.
7. I pay 100 dollars rent every month on a 10x10 Storage locker in New England.
8. I'm going to donate at least half the stuff in that locker to charity when I get out there to clean it out.
9. I love the ocean, and beaches, especially under a full moon.
10. I meditate.
11. I don't do it often enough.
12. I have lived a long time, in many different states of being.
13. I love the number thirteen and have no fear of it. Friday the 13th is usually a great day for me.
14. I used to take bike trips from NY to Boston, the kind of bike where I was the motor. Seriously.
15. I love being in the water. Swimming, floating, boating, whatever.
16. I love Winter Park, Florida. It's a wonderful little town to window shop, have lunch, and go to the Tiffany/Frank Lloyd Wright museum.
17. I love the Rocky Mountains, and Colorado in general.
18. I spend enormous amounts of time reading. Everything and anything under the sun.
19. I love the colors Purple, and Pink.
20. Despite everything I've been through, I once again have hope in my heart. So like the proverbial box, I shut it just in time to keep hope in.
21. Despite the violence and betrayal my late husband heaped on my weary soul, I'm once again looking forward to maybe sharing my life with someone.
22. I love working with wood, and am currently stripping the wood in my friends Yacht so that I can re-finish it.
23. I love cleaning, may sound insane, but I love taking something yukky and making it clean.
24. I'm an emotional girl, sometimes time I laugh, sometimes I cry, sometimes I do both and I don't know why.
25. I'm learning to finally put some boundaries and limits in my life, and it's THE most expensive lesson I've ever had to learn.

Can I touch your hair?

So as I've mentioned before, Thursday nights are Movie night with the family.  Thursday nights of late have also involved a neighbor who comes over to hang out with Val and I.  My brother can only take so much estrogen all at once, so he retreats to his office.  Anyway C---- is amazing, outgoing, exceptionally bright and mature for her age.  She's thirteen going on forty and in many ways reminds me of me when I was that age.

Usually I'm just really relaxed and laid back on Thursday nights.  My hair is so often in a ponytail that C---- remarked a couple of weeks ago that she'd never seen me with my hair down.  Tonight I was running late and drove up to the house with my hair up in a towel.  My poor namesake doesn't deal well with hats on people, so I Walked with my hair up in a purple "Turbie twist" towel, and I didn't get the warm welcome from him I usually do.  Normally, I walk in, and he lights up with a big smile and starts laughing, clapping and doing a little dance.  It's such a shame he doesn't like me...  Anyway, Thursday, with my hair up, he took one look at me and started crying.  Mind you two hours earlier we were on the boat playing.  Realizing the problem, I took my hair down, it was mostly dry anyway, fluffed and flipped it back into place.  I didn't really think much about it from there.  Sam was suddenly happy to see me and showed it too.  C---- on the other hand just looked at me wide eyed and said:

"Oh my God, your hair is so shiny and, well amazing!  I wish I could just flip and fluff like that!  It looks so soft, can I touch it?"

I was a little surprised and said sure, if you want to.  She then came over and proceeded to pet my hair.  I mean seriously just petting it, running her fingers through it having a good time...  I'm kinda used to it by now, I run into hair envy surprisingly often.  Just not often is the whole petting it part.  She was just awed by it, because it's "amazingly soft" as well as good looking, and it's nice and long.  The kind of hair my younger sister always dreamed of having.

When I was a kid, my younger sister said my hair was wasted on me, because it was perfect girl hair and I'd never grow it long enough to do it justice.  Her hair was coarse, too thick (according to her) and too curly.  She wanted long wavy hair that was soft, fine, and shiny.  I honestly wish she'd lived long enough, and been healthy enough to really meet her sister.

Needless to say, we had this whole conversation about haircare, styling products (or the lack thereof) and how to get your hair soft.  From there we went into shaving legs, and other such topics.  C----'s Mom died a whole bunch of years back, so she doesn't have any real female role models in her life.  Val and I got elected it would seem.  It's kinda cool being a big sister of sorts, though technically I'm more than old enough be her Mom.

Old ways and "obsolete" technology.

When the going gets tough, the tough fall back on what works...

I am once again at a point in my life that I'm stripping again. Yes, behind my pretty face is a stripper with a heart of gold and a body with plenty of go left in it. So I'm stripping again. Back when I was in school I turned to stripping, and for a while I was making awesome money. Yup, stripping! Now at 44 it's good to now I still have it in me to take it all off...

Hey, hold on there a minute, where did YOUR mind go?

I'm spending the night on my brother's yatch, so all I have to blog with is my blackberry. It's easier than driving the 32 miles back to my house only to then have to drive out here again tomorrow. Cause I'm stripping at the Marina. And while honestly I'd love it if I were doing the kind of stripping you were thinking of because I love to dance, it's not that kind of stripping. My brother's yatch is all stained and varnished wood. It's also thirty plus years old and looks it. People don't like this kind of stripping anymore, so it's hard to find folks who do it these days. When you do find someone to do it, they want a fortune.

When I was a wee one, I followed my granparnts around like a puppy watching everything they did and learning. My granfathers both worked in wood with their hands. One made things and just painted them, the other made furniture and put serious old world finishes on them. Handrubbed oil and so forth. He also refinished wood of any kind and shape. Stripping the old finishes off and then putting new ones on... Even floors.

So all the Mahogany on my Brother's boat? Yup, I'm stripping it and going to refinish
it when I'm done! See? I'm a stripper! And just as proud as if I were taking off my clothes!

So, now, be honest, how many thought I meant the other kind and stripping? It's okay if your mind went there, you can tell me. Frankly while not everyone thinks so, I think sexwork of all kinds between consenting adults is just fine.

In other news, the day after my seven mile, 24 minute ride I felt . . . Wonderful! Still no pain afterwards, but I'm way more limber and flexible than I was! I'm really digging it, cause getting down to sit onthe floor and back up is WAY easier and no longer painful. Circulation has improved pretty significantly as well. No pain, but plenty of gain! So I'm looking forward to doing more. As for upper body, no worries, I'm getting plenty of a work out with the power sanders taking off the top layers of 30 year old varnish. I hope you had as much fun reading this as I did writing it.

My Mom was so smart . . .

. . . considering how young she was.

I'm five years older right now than my Mom was when she died, which is such a strange thing to think of, let alone say. When I was growing up, years before she left the physical plane, she did her best to impart to me, wisdom that was well beyond her years. Since my Mom was one of the most important people in my life, and because I wanted to grow up to be just like her, I took what she said seriously. I lost her way too young, and it took me so long to get where I am, that I still don't feel as old and wise as my Mom always seemed to me when I was little. Even now that I'm five years older than she was when I lost her.

My generally bright and sunny disposition I got from her. Her optimism and belief that deep down, people are good, and that magic is alive and well in the 'verse I've taken with me. For her the fact that magic was real and worked, wasn't even a question, and while it was never talked about openly, it sure was used.

So she was smart, cool, and the best part of my youth.

In other news, I went back to the "Y" today and did 7 miles in 24 Minutes. Today, I felt like I accomplished something because I could feel it this time. Then again I found out the machine goes up to at least level 13, which made me work a bit harder. Usually the day after I work out, I feel it as my muscles adjust, after the last time I didn't feel anything, even the day after. So hopefully, tomorrow I'll feel it too. It'll mean I'm doing something right. Or at least something that's challenging my muscles. Tune in tomorrow for an update.

Just being.

"I think being a woman is like being Irish... Everyone says you're important and nice, but you take second place all the time."
— Iris Murdoch

"Just my luck, I was born an Irish woman..."
— Me.

Today was a pretty good day all in all. I found out for example that despite my feeling at times decrepit and old, I'm not as bad off as I thought. How so you ask? My new health plan comes with free YMCA membership. Pools, Sauna, Gym, everything. Today I managed to convince myself to actually use it. I figured I'd start with something simple and fairly easy, so I sat down on the stationary bike and blinked. It had a cockpit display that looked harder to fly than a Cessna, and I actually flew one of those once. Turns out, it was actually very easy to use. So following Preventions recommendation I started out really light on level one and quickly found myself a bit frustrated. I was hardly moving. Level two, then three, four, five and so on until I started feeling some resistance at level eight. I don't know how many levels it has, but I found the whole thing slightly amusing. Twenty years since I've done any serious biking and here I am at level eight (whatever that means) and cycling along nice and steady.

I should have brought a book. After 20 minutes and six miles later I was bored. Just sitting there pedaling away, and boredom, not fatigue got to me. So, I wandered back to the locker room, changed and left. As I was driving home, it started to sink in how much I missed cycling. How good I felt afterward, that rush of feel good drugs the body makes. Years ago, like twenty, maybe a few more than that, I rode everyday. I'd get up in the morning, ride ten miles or more, go about my day, and then ride another ten or so at the end of the day. On weekends I'd do some serious rides, like from Danbury, Connecticut to Boston, Massachusetts. I wish I could say I was joking, but no, it was around 300 miles round trip and I usually took about 14 hours one way to make the trip, which of course gave me time to hang out in Boston. Plus in those days I was crazy, pure, unquestionable, unbiased, nuts. I'd get on the highway and take the highway to Boston. It was shorter and more direct, plus I'd do most of it in the dark so I wouldn't get in trouble. Yeah, like I said, crazy.

Anyway, that was, over twenty years ago, and I had no right to expect to do six miles of decent riding in twenty minutes averaging about twelve miles an hour. Mind you I'm not complaining, not hardly, it also bodes well for getting into shape faster and easier than I thought, and dropping the weight I want, and need to lose. I'm looking forward to spending more time there, and swimming! Multiple indoor pools! Awesome!

Other than that I did a bunch of running around, getting things done, nothing earth shaking going on. I came home to find a bunch of stuff I'd ordered had come in, and the warranty replacement for the aerobed I'd ordered had also come in. This way, when Ellie comes out to visit at the end of the month, she'll have a comfortable bed to sleep on., not just a sleeping bag on the floor. Probably one of those things I'd ordered that thrilled me most where the Cubic Zirconia earrings I got at Amazon. Dirt cheap, I mean they are after all just carbon compressed down into diamonds right? "Real" diamonds are just too expensive to bother with these days, at least given the rest of my very relaxed, country girl look. Fact is however I love the sparkle, some pure "shiny" as Kaylee on Firefly would say, a nice counterpoint to my laid back country girl look. It's a nice look. Shiny in the ears, proper manicure of nicely buffed, clear coated natural nails, and a hint of lip gloss says there is more to this woman than a simple country girl look.

It was an overall simple laid back day, finished with some chicken, red and yellow peppers sauteed in Garlic and EVOO over angel hair pasta and a glass of iced green tea. Clean, clear, and light but filling and oh so very pleasing.

Probably most excitement I had all day is talking to my sister who's been in the hospital dealing with some health issues all week. She sounds oh so much better it did my heart good to hear her voice, with a calm she hasn't had in a while. A long while. She's need to do this for a good couple of years, well since I was out there two years ago, but couldn't bring herself to do it. I think this is going to be a turning point for her life, and that makes me very happy.

One amusing part was I decided to spoil myself with a movie night by myself. Some incense, scented candles, soft lights and a good movie with my diner. So I stopped into my local Blockbuster to get a movie. Mind you I'd not been there in about two months for various reasons and when I walked up to the counter I got a smile from Shawn. He scanned my movie, and I said "Oh, I'm sorry you need my card" and reached into my purse for my wallet.

"No problem Ms. Q, I've got it, I just looked you up in the computer."

I was kinda stunned. "Wow, that's so cool, you remember my name?" I said with surprise on my face.

"Yeah, Samantha Q. Easy to remember your name, every time you're in here you smile and make me feel like I'm not just some idiot behind the counter taking your money. You remember my name when you're in, why shouldn't I remember yours?"

"Well it's easy to remember your name, you're the only Shawn here" I replied "but I'm just one of how many thousands of customers that come through here every week? And please, no need to be formal, you can call me Sam or Samantha. Keep calling Ms. Q and I'll have to start calling my Mr."

It was very cool, and proved once again there's nothing better than being nice to people in stores and such. They don't like their jobs any more than the rest of us most of the time, and they have plenty of twits to deal with. So, I'm always nice, I make a point of it. It is for me, every bit as good as leaving a good tip for good service. I still leave a good tip for good service when it's warranted, because that's important too.

(In most states, employers GET AROUND minimum wage, by making tips part of the pay. Frankly that's just sleazy in my opinion. In Jersey for example, employers in restaurants get away with "paying" waitresses TWO DOLLARS an hour because it's expected they get tip money. So next time you decide NOT to tip because someone's just doing their job like you have to, remember, tips are PART of their job. If you don't leave a reasonable tip, you're taking money out of their pockets and telling them they aren't worth anything. So remember to tip your waitress, PLEASE?" The only time it's acceptable nor to tip, or to leave a small tip, is if the waitperson did a terrible job. Okay, sorry about that, lecture over. It's just something I'm passionate about. If you can afford to "reward yourself with a night out at a decent restaurant with waitstaff, you can afford a decent tip. If you can't afford the tip, well you probably shouldn't be eating out. But that's just my opinion.)

All in all, a completely remarkable day because it was unremarkable. Yes, I started this journey in a hostile and unforgiving land where I didn't know the rules, let alone understand what thinking there was behind them. I didn't belong anywhere, I was feared and respected because I'd built this shell of power and attitude. I was then, truly every bit a stranger in a strange land. Years of isolation and distance from everything wore on me, and suddenly the expectations and rules outside me, really meant nothing but ongoing pain and trauma. Every day was a fight, this epic battle between what was expected and my own nature. Five years ago I decided I could take no more and set out to claim my birthright, a journey I knew not how long it would take, if I'd even live to see my destination, let alone find something like peace, growth, progress, belonging and inclusion.

Now, I'm back home, where I should have been from day one, years of impossible dreams and yearning for freedom have blurred into everyday life. The impossible then is what just is now. And you know, I really like it. Now I have time to work on the long standing ghosts of a life tortured and move on, but the start of it all, the most horrific and painful part of my life has been pretty much corrected. Sure there is one last bit, the "cherry" so to speak on top of the cake I need to get finished, but for now, I'm "Just being!" It can hold me for a little while as I focus on other things. How I'll afford to finish, I know not, but I have a reason to be hopeful now, because I've come this far across and terrible desert.

I'd like to thank Karyn, Veronique and Lori for being the genesis of the title and concept for this post. I wanted to share this wholly unremarkable day so that folks who are walking a similar path know that the destination can, in fact, be reached. If I can do it, anyone can. It's not about gender, sex, parts, clothes, hair, nails, shiny or anything else. It IS in fact about freedom. Honesty with the one person you can least afford to lie to in life, yourself. No, I'm not saying it's easy, or will happen overnight like I dreamed of as a child. But it can happen, it will happen, you'll reach a point of ordinary, of real life, of just being . . .

More than that, who can ask for eh?

If you can't be honest with yourself, and live your life for you, you really aren't doing anyone else any real favors.

Just being all in all was, and is, easier than what my life used to be.