Wednesday, November 15, 2006

Communications, Mental Illness and growth . . .

I'm not even close to perfect. I'm just a girl dealing with a lifetime of stuff that has been, shall we say, less than favorable. A lifetime of abuse specifically, and of course my own internal issues have left me with problems, and plenty of them. My growth and changes have left the lions share of people around me lamenting the loss of the person I was. Not a week goes by that I don't find myself reminding folks I've known for years that I'm not HIM. That guy they knew, for better or worse, is gone.

Because these are people I care about, and the effect years of abuse have had on me, quite often I try too hard to please other people. I know this to be a problem and I'm working on it. I try to keep track of myself, how I relate to the world, and how I communicate. I am dealing with Mental Illness and this makes things more difficult for me, and the folks around me, but hey, I'm trying. I'm working hard on growth, healing and recovery where possible.

Some people, too many people, try to blindly PUSH through things to avoid change and growth. Some people seem to feel, subconsciously, that it is MY job, MY problem and that I should change to fit into their own bit of brokenness. I'm sorry, but I've long since outgrown, or burned out, on the obsessive NEED to be right and have all the answers. Even to the stupid s5it no one really thinks about or cares.

Case in point, the government is stupid and at many levels a very simply run organization. Cost matters, and in many places they nickel and dime things to death. The Food Stamp program is one such instance where this is seen to be true. Someone I know just started, as part if her own journey of healing and growth, on Food Stamps. Great, wonderful, awesome, she's getting some much needed help.

No one cares, or gives a flying pig when or why the FS program will prorate the amount available. Reality check here; You start in the middle of the month, they give you only as much as days remain in the month. NO ONE except maybe the person getting FS gives a flying fig that the portion of the month BEFORE FS started the person may not have had much to eat. The government doesn't CARE, you were NOT their problem then, so of course they are going to prorate it.

Me I had to sit through a lecture of why it is stupid and even somewhat insensitive. I had to sit, biting down on my tongue to keep from saying something, anything, because it would have served only to fuel this persons wrath and brand of brokenness and use me as the target. I don't really fracking CARE! Damn it girl, you are broken, need to be on disability so you can focus on healing and growth, not just beat into your own and everyone else's minds why you are so broken.

Communications is as much learned as innate, nature and nurture combine to form a matrix that gives us some direction and then life is the process of growth, change, learning and so forth. The definition of insanity for many is doing the same thing time and again expecting a different response. Men and women have two completely different styles of communication and at times it is, in my experience, like speaking two very different languages. Those of us "gifted" with Gender issues understand the torment of trying to be someone we are not.

Some people, for whatever reason, just refuse to heal and grow. This includes but is not limited to picking a damn gender. Just pick one, go there, and be done with it. Worse yet, find a way to communicate that WORKS and go with it, some people, know, down to a horrific level of detail EXACTLY how gender communications works for BOTH genders and can switch back and forth with an ease that makes those of us stuck with one or the other envious.

REFUSING to pick a language, a style of communications that people can relate to is what brings me to this level of frustration. Sitting right on the fence teasing BOTH sides with language and communications that works for neither is just cruel. BULLSHIT you don't think in one or the other, you've shown, time and again you can. Refusing to because its HARD? Come off it, grow up! Life isn't easy, isn't meant to be, and like anything, the rewards are there.

You're broken enough, without having to prove it constantly! Sitting halfway between worlds and taunting both is simply MEAN, NOT easy. Well, I sit corrected, yeah, it's easy to pick on the crippled kids. But when you are the one crippled and you come off all pompous, high and mighty and then manage through double talk to get everyone hooked on what you are saying and trying to keep up, we eventually tire of this. Get over it! Really! Male, female, pick one already! Don't sit between like you are some super being who knows better than everyone and hit us because we can't keep up or even follow you more than half the time.

Get over the dissection of everything into atoms leaving crap everywhere! Stop breaking it down to math and actually try to live for a change. Talk WITH people, NOT AT THEM and see where that can take you. When you are faced with someone who admits she's not perfect, doesn't know everything, and is WORKING hard on healing and growth, DON'T KICK the shit out of her every change you get.

I'm terrified of speaking, of saying ANYTHING because NOTHING I say is ever good enough, right enough, accurate or perfect enough. I live in the real world, I avoid the news, I KNOW WHAT I'VE seen, lived, am trying to survive. I really don't give a flying pig about libertarian dogma, and it is dogma. You have it burned so deep into you somehow you are incapable, or unwilling to see WHAT ACTUALLY IS, before you go ripping it to shreds. I'm sure . . .

I'm sure I meant to finish this, but it will have to wait I guess . . .

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