Sunday, February 11, 2007

Need and Needy people . . .

Okay, so I have no idea who, if anyone ever reads this. I imagine that once I finish building my website, this will get read more, but who knows.

My whole life I've been the "go to girl" for everyone around me. Needy people seem to flock to me like bugs to light, and until recently I've been there for them. All the time, every time, without fail, right to the point of dropping what I was doing to hold their hand or whatever. I've always been everyone's Mum, dealing with problems, making magic happen, being a shoulder to cry on.

So, let's see, what do I have to show for it? My husband, the one man who actually listened to me, let ME vent and cry on his shoulder, is dead and gone. April it will be a year he's gone, May it will be three years he's out of my life. Turned out he was an abusive Momma's boy who got the hook into me so hard he about broke me yanking me out of the water.

Tonight I need to talk to someone who knows me, cares about my heart and soul, my feelings and is willing to listen and I don't know, maybe even give me a hug. So I have this long line of people banging down the door to talk to me, let me cry on their shoulder, give me a hug and say hey girl, you're doing good!

Not exactly. My little brother is a morose, depressed, miserable, cripple who's only getting worse by the day. He'd LOVE it if I were to call right now, so he could be mopey and depressed all over me, talking about how much his life sucks because his foster Mum just died on him and I'm not there. He's wallowing in his own pain, simply refusing to celebrate his Mum's life. I spent two hours on the phone with him Friday, walking him through some good memories. What did I accomplish? Nothing, nada, zip, zilch, zero!!!

Friend of mine, and I'm not even so sure sometimes is also more lost in her pain than anything else in life and getting on the phone with her is painful. I mean really, I get the whole "transition is such a pain in the bum" thing. If anyone knows, I think it would be me. People just seem to forget, I've been there, done that, burned the T-Shirt. I KNOW! I'm post transition, post op, post old life and working hard on building a new one. I even went as far as making calls in her area, talking to people there, in the interests of finding her some help. So she sends me this e-mail about how much life sucks, and how no-one will talk to her. Sure, if you don't pick up the phone they won't! Don't call them, sit there being miserable, and tell yourself no-one wants to talk to you. I know, I've been there too. So I'm supposed to get on the phone with her, listen to her wallowing in her own pain, threatening to vanish and over-react? Fine, GOOOOO!

You know I still have a heart, a life, feelings of my own, past of my own I have to deal with. Transition for me wasn't about gender after all. Yeah, I've changed that, gone from men's country to being a permanent member of women's country. Wonderful, marvelous, spiffy! In the grand scheme of things I'm thankful my battle with gender is over. Insides, outsides, all say the same thing, I look, sound and act like the person I am. Splendid! Shiny!!! Good for me!

Really though it was about freedom! Freedom to be, act, speak and feel like ME, not someone the world expected me to be. I'm a woman, I'm moving on with life, alone but not usually lonely. Sometimes however a girl needs someone to talk to, a shoulder to put her head on, maybe even spill a tear or two if the mood struck me. No-one. Just no-one I can call who knows it is okay to have a weak moment now and again, let the FEELINGS flow, run out, wash over, through and out of me. No-one to give me a hug, to LISTEN to me, my heart and soul and be there for me.

Nope, not having a pity party, just a bit tired and cranky. I've been working so hard, for so long, I wouldn't mind a damn break for a bit. I did the impossible, survived suicide, the death of a spouse, the death of my brother, having people stalk me, and so forth. Goodness, gracious me, been to hell and back fighting to survive. Did even more impossible stuff, got my SSN changed, on to disability in the first go round, no appeals or bull shit, and changed my life in so many ways people who used to know me don't.

So today, I'm alone and lonely. Tomorrow I have to go get on another waiting list, and another, and so on to try and find someplace to live I can afford. Good Fraking luck. So, there's a list of people I can call who NEED me, but who does a girl call when she needs someone? How do I get my needs met without having to first meet everyone else's first??? Cause I know now that never works. So what's a girl to do? Don't know. What I am going to do is take my meds, have a bagel, watch an episode of Stargate SG1 and get some sleep.

Tomorrow's just another day . . .

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