Merry Christmas!

Wow, Christmas??? Or is it Saturnalia? Signs littered about the landscape in these parts say;

"Jesus is
the reason for the
Season"

Really? Wow, and here it thought it was for millions of people to go spending money they don't have, buying stuff other people don't need or can't afford and otherwise acting like manaics, running hither and yon over the aforementioned landscape being rushed and exceptionally rude because someone else might get to where ever they are going and scoop all the best deals first.

Okay, so maybe that is a somewhat fatalistic and dark view of things. For me, the Holidays are about getting together with people I love, eating too much food, and having a quiet day to ourselves without all the pressures of the outside world. 2000 years dead carpenter the reason? Okay, I guess it is better than rampant, abusive commercialism gone mad.

I had a quiet, very relaxed and enjoyable day with family and friends. Yes we exchanged presents, the old run of thumb, something they would want, but not necessarily buy for themselves as a way to say; "Hey, you know I think you're really special!" Lots of great food, hanging out, enjoying our time together, catching up on things we might not otherwise get to in the day to day rush of life. A day to appreciate who and what I DO have in my life, and not focus on what I don't. So, in some ways, a day much like Thanksgiving, only without the unique madness my sister brings to things.

So in other news . . . Well first, does anyone actually read this on anything like a regular basis? I don't know, I could just be talking to myself here . . .

Anyway, I'm back in Jersey. I left Colorado on the 13th, took a fairly easy, slow drive across country taking three days. Jumper one, now completely, legally mine in every way, did a great job. I stopped over four times in three days for rest, and even stopped in St. Loius to take pictures of the Arch. The pictures, well I'll get some up here in the next day or so. I'll probably also fill in some of the details of my trip.

The traveling isn't quite over yet, I have to head up to upstate New York on Saturday to spend some time with my little brother. I'm not sure how I feel about that quite yet, but we'll see. Not quite as far a drive as Colorado or even close, but still gonna be a tiring day.

So that's enough for the moment, time to actually have something to eat I think.

Yeah, so I was up early, that was a mistake!

Either that or spending the entire day with my sister doing her gender conflicted version of shopping was, maybe both. She's the only person I know who can spend an hour fondling socks trying to decide which ones to buy. She's also so fraking obsessed with her own unique twist on "reality" that she MUST buy another pair of shoes, ones she wasn't going to buy in the first place, just so that there will be SIX pairs of shoes instead of five, because God and Goddess forbid we don't get the buy one, get one half off deal for all of them. Mind you she was only buying three pair when we started, and I bought two. Nuts I tell you!

We wandered all over hells half acre and then some to even find the shoes in the first place. Me, I found a decent pair of Merril knockoffs for 22 dollars, and a nice simple pair of plain black pumps. Now I can go back to wearing skirts, I have shoes to go with!!! Yay!!!

I did way, way, to much today, including a brief, and not terribly successful foray into a mall. Not just any mall, but one that the last time I'd been there was more than ten years ago with Earl before we married. We were window shopping for rings, and found one in Nordstroms that we liked. Personally I think I handled things amazingly well and only broke down hyterical crying once while we were eating lunch at Subway.

My sister got to talking about patterns and behaviors, how people who live long enough in horrible situations pick up bad habits and so forth. She then proceed to launch into a blow by blow description of how O'Brian on DS9 was sentenced to 40 years in prison, then they did this whole compressed time thing so that he lived out the entire 40 year sentence in a handful of days. Somehow I'd missed that one (thankfully) but her going into great and gory detail managed to remind me of what it's like to be in prison for years on end. Not like I'd know anything about that, and she realized what she'd done way too late. I was toast.

Living in 'gender prison' is bad enough, but THAT isn't what came to mind. I've been officially diagnosed with 'Post Traumatic Stress Disorder' sub classified as 'Prison Camp Survivor' because of my life with Earl. Yeah, it really was that bad and then some. So I lost it right there while eating lunch, and all because I was "eating too fast" and how that wasn't healthy. Mind you, I've slowed down quite a bit of late, working on getting away from the behaviors beaten into my head and heart around Earl and his parents. My sister who knows EVERYTHING (just ask her) then launched into the whole thing and the DS9 episode I'd missed. She assured me that at the end of the show they'd managed to "deprogram" O'Brian and he was fine.

Can they do me next?

Regrettably, no such technology exists in this time and space. Sucks to be me! I hate this, I really do! By the "end" of the day I was so screwed up I was jumping at everything. Now however I have a hankering for some corn. Yeah, just a dish full of hot corn! I'm so tired I think I'm going to head off to bed at TEN tonight, which is right around the corner. Maybe I'll dream of a life without the agony of my past, the limitations on my future, and the damage simple talking can do to me, let alone going out in public.

Holy Frak! I'm up!

So my sister just wandered through and woke me up because she was going to McDonalds to bring back some breakfast. She also thought that since I'm trying to get on something like a better sleep schedule, getting up and 9:00 would be a good idea.

For the record this is the first time I've been up before 10:00 am in over a year. I'm SO NOT a morning person. Now I have to get my brain started, which I suppose is why I'm writing, though honestly I don't think it is working all that well.

Ah, food!

Getting to bed earlier and other tidbits. . .

If you've been here before, you'll probably notice the change to the template. Yup, changed it! Long since overdue kind of change too! This is brighter, a bit more welcoming, and for it's cool affect, feels warmer to me. This also gives me a layout of simplicity that I'll be able to change out the image for one of my own.

Had a bit of a craving for something apple, cobbler, pie, strudel, whatever. So I just ran over to Albertsons and picked up a nice piece of strudel, came back here, poured myself and ice cold glass of fat free milk, and had a piece of yummy strudel. Once upon a time I'd have had more than a glass of milk, several in fact, and ate the whole thing. Not anymore!

I've accomplished more the last several months than I thought I'd be able to. I've put the last of my ghosts to rest, finally finished starting my life over, and have managed to get all the paperwork to catch up with me. I drove out here in a car that was "mine" in that it is the same one Earl and "I" bought new in '99 but it wasn't in my name, it was in his. Same with Driver's License and Insurance. Nothing illegal, but it still FELT weird and just off.

When I drive back across the country to spend the holidays with family, nothing out of sorts, everything exactly correct and legal. Old what's his name and Earl will finally really be the past, and this place I know and love is once again mine to treasure. The last week has been good, and while driving around Denver I'm not being confronted by the ghosts of the past as much. I've made Denver mine again, home once again to my heart and soul, perhaps more so than ever before. The mountains, sky, and air once again embrace me, welcome me, hold me close without smothering me.

She was born in the summer of her 27th year,
coming home to a place she'd never been before.
She left yesterday behind her , you might say she was born again,
you might say she's found a key to every door.
("Rocky Mountain High," John Denver)

Profound, but true. I moved out here all those long years ago on the promise of meeting "HER" and while I opened some wrong doors between now and then, I did find HER, I found ME!

It's now 23:59 and I'm going to do something utterly nuts for me. I'm going to take my pills and hit the sack. If I'm lucky I'll be asleep before one am, which for me will be a minor miracle. Good night all! My the ghosts of all my yesteryears sleep in peace for once . . .

Wow, this is different . . .

MY journey has, as anyone who knows me, or has read enough of my blog knows, been somewhat different than that of many women. Today, the last bit of past, or "real life" that tied "him" to the earthly plane vanished into thin air.

Inspections in hand I made my way back over to DMV today and finished the paperwork legally making my car mine. Due to the nature of my journey, "HE" had to sell me my own car and then of course the whole normal thing associated with buying a car. Registration, Title, Inspection and so forth. Today I finished all that making the car legally ever more mine!

I waited on line at DMV and miracle of miracles I wound up at Dawn's window again. She looked up and said;

"Hello Samantha, I was just thinking about you. I was just thinking to myself I wonder if she'd printed swatches and what you you decided? Now here you are!"

Talk about personalized sevice. "Wow, Dawn you have a really good memory!"

"Honestly, you helped with that, when you were in yesterday, it was right at the end of the day and you were so nice and patient when MOST people are in a hurry. You made my day yesterday, I'm not used to people being nice to me, after all I'm just a DMV clerk who makes everyones life harder, just ask them! So, the big question in my mind is what DID you decide?"

I smiled and said; "My Nanna always said it was nice to be nice, and I agree. No point in making your life harder, you didn't do anything wrong. Frankly you made things simpleand painless yesterday, so I think you're doing a great job. As to swatches, yup, I printed them and decided I'd have to repaint the car to get the breast cancer plates. I have plenty of other BC pink ribbon stuff, including this (and held up my wrist with the bracelet I have) and I figure I really can't afford to have it painted.

So, Designer plates it is, cause everyone has the other ones, plus the designer plates have purple, my all time favorite color." So, designer plates it was and off I was to take the old plates off the car and put MY plates on! The old ones had been on long enough that I had trouble getting the rear plate off, but it finally came away and on went the new one! Miracle of miracles they even printed the title right then and there so I don't have to wait for it to show up in the mail. That of course went right into the safe when I got back to the house. It is something of an interesting feeling, it's not my first car, yet it feels like it is. I feel like I'm a teenager getting my first car, despite the fact that I'm 42. Legally, it IS in fact my first car, which means paying higher insurance than "HE" was for a while. Could be worse though, if I were male just getting a new license and car, my rates would be even higher. So, I'm a brand new driver with my first car.

"HE" had a good driving record, and I'm confident I'll have a good one in due time too. I'm glad I took drivers ed, and took it seriously, I'm an even safer, and more careful driver than "HE" was. What's the old saying? Familiarity breeds contempt? So, yeah, the last of that old life is now firmly behind me! It's all at once a really good feeling, and really strange too!

Late starts, sleeping, and so forth . . .

So today was interesting. I managed to get up, and out of the house, but not soon enough to get everything done in one day. I stopped at the bank, then Pepboys for some fuel system additive/cleaner and then a tank of super unleaded. Drive around a bit, and then into DMV at 4:30. Got temporary plates until I could get the car inspected, Dawn at DMV was very nice and helpful. We chatted briefly while she get the paperwork going. I'm trying to decide "designer plates" which are pretty, and Breast Cancer plates, which have the benefit of being one of my favorite colors (pink) but will probably clash with my car.


I said I'd have to print out some swatches and hold then next to my car. Dawn was amused because her boyfriend wouldn't get that but she's had a similar conversation with hundreds of women. Then, temporary plates in hand and off I went to the inspection station. For some odd internal screw up with the computers they had to run my car three times, each time it passed just fine, but it still took more than an hour. By then DMV was closed for the day.

Now, sleeping is something I'm not good enough at, and all at once too good at. Takes me far too long, even with meds, to get to sleep, so I commonly go to bed way too late. Then, THANKFULLY, the meds keep me asleep eight hours which is fine unless you go to bed at SIX. I've done it with, and without sleep meds, and I love my meds.

The problem of course is then when its time to get up I take a bit of time to "spin up" the drives before I can jump even off the bed. Okay, so maybe I watch too much Galactica (is there such a thing?) but otherwise the point is apt. So today, I finally dragged arse out of bed and got going. Bummer! If I'd gotten a bit eariler a start, I might have finished everything today!

M U S T, G e t t o b e d e a r l i e r !

What is with people anyway?

Self absorbed, lazy trolls who have nothing better to do than hang around places they aren't wanted or welcome, and people who want to spend ours of the phone talking to me about complete rubbish WHILE they try to convince me to move to Erie, PA?

I spent the day getting things done, and working on having something of a life. My little brother has nothing better to do than dream of things that are NEVER going to happen. I understand being needy, I think. I don't understand wanting to spend time on the phone talking about pie in the sky delusions, and having someone who is SO needed he's trying to get me to move to a backwater place like Erie, PA? I mean really, someone get him some smelling salts, he's passed out and is dreaming or something.

Today I spend the day on changing phone service, getting my drivers license and buying new insurance for the car so that I can register it tomorrow, or at least start the process. My brother on the other hand is dreaming of a Laptop he's not going to get, that he can't use because he's paralyzed and I doubt he'll get the voice recognition working. He has the nerve to spend fifteen minutes telling me what a STUPID plan my new phones were, despite the fact that they are a third the price of my existing service, and when I finally get a word in edge wise, he simply says, "Oh, sorry" as if that makes up for his being an overbearing know-it-all!

Of course this is when he's not telling me all about the laptop he's expecting someone else to buy him. I don't care that it is magnesium alloy, or that it has a dedicated "skype" connection jack for a handset. Big deal! Then of course his ongoing pipe dream that the mean people at housing are going to give him all this money for wrecking something that he didn't really own in the first place. I mean really, listening to this madness at times is nothing short of insanity run a muck. He's supposed to be being treated for his bi-polar disorder, but I honestly wonder if he's taking his meds, or being medicated correctly.

Then of course there is the simple fact that he's obsessed all at once with someone who no longer exists, and a new sister he's not trying to get to know, just control. Seems his home health aid was listening when I was talking to him earlier, and she decided that I should move out to Erie too. This of course got Dre started on th whole move thing again. Oh, yeah, you could afford like 800 a month for a house. I just don't understand people and money, really I don't! What is that child smoking anyway. I'm having trouble paying attention sometimes, and he's dreaming about the house I'm going to buy in Erie?

I know he and his brother could talk for endless hours about complete bullshit and a hodge podge of stupid part numbers, specifications and technology crap that just makes my head hurt. Who the FRAK cares, give me tools that will do what I need them to, and not require a phd in techno-babble bullshit. When is he going to get it through his head I'm not his brother? I have a laptop that does what I want and need it to really well. You know what, that's about all I can, or care to say about it. Yeah I could get into all the features and performance, but who really cares?

So, that's me eventing for a moment, not really pretty . . . SUCK!

Stay off the sidewalks she loose!

So at 13:20 mountain time I started the car and began my road test. At 13:35 I was done, and THIS TIME, got a perfect score. The examiner looked at me and said, wow, I'm not used to people making this much improvement in a few short days. I said, hey, I wrote down everything you said last week three times so that I would remember it and NOT do that again. She reminded me I failed for only one thing, I said yeah, but why take chances! So I'm now a licensed driver!!! The sidewalks are no longer safe people I'm telling you.

Primped. preened and ready!

Head to toe I'm clean, exfoliated, mosturized, conditioned, hair free legs and so forth. Time now to do my teeth and my makeup (what little I wear) and be on my way. Ny sister asked me why was I worrying about my legs if I was wearing slacks and quite simply its because I know better. I don't feel quite as clean if I don't shave my legs, and that just throws off my whole Feng Shui for the day. Yeah, I'm worried about what I look like even the parts of me no-one can see today. I can feel it, and it will bother me. Not one of those things I can really explain, its like going out of the house without a bra. Ick! Sure I can and have done it, but the girls just bounce around no matter what I'm doing. So I guess the simple way to say it is I'm making sure I'm balanced, harmonious, clean, feeling and smelling good, and at peace. Now I go blowdry my hair upside down and get dressed . . .

Wish me luck, I'm going to need it!

So I have to remember to watch all my signs (like a hawk, they do tricks!) seriously, for changes.
Bear to the right when making left turns.
Stop before all stopsigns and line, then proceed slowly into th intersection.
Check blind spots BEFORE making changes.
15mph in school zone.
Do not signal too early.
Stay right of yellow lines at all times.
signal after street but before turn.
Watch left turns.

These are the most important things I can think of at the moment so here I go!!!

Ha! I'm ready now . . .

. . . I think? So I went to another area today with conditions similar to the test area, and drove around for hours. In most states if you practice in the test area, they take your permit for a year and you cannot get a license. So, I found a similar area and did everything by the book, keeping a close eye on the speed and keeping it five under the limit in the school zone. Felt like an idiot driving 15mph through the roads, but it had to be done. I needed to know exactly what it felt like, so in my bones I'd be able to help keep the speed right. Stop before the line, and stop sign, then inch forward and move through the intersection etc . . . Tomorrow I'm going to be as close to damn perfect as I possibly can be.

I've done my nails, my hair, laid out the perfect outfit to have my picture taken in, everything. I know, I can hear you asking, what the frell is this woman talking about. Well for me, I like leaving nothing to chance, and every little bit helps. Its a confidence thing, if I look my best, I feel better than if I'm frumpy. Plus I so want a good picture on my drivers license, only way to do that, I prep! I'm going to send this, then probably hit the sack, get plenty of sleep so I'll be refreshed and rested. Get up early, have a good breakfast, lit it digest, put a final coat of pain on my nails and then go. I'll meditate for ten minutes before the test so I'm being nice and zen about it, and then just do it! This time I'll get it right!!! The perfect outfit is important because it frames my face properly on the bottom, nice crossdyed purple against the skin, a suede plum jacket over the top, just the right amount of framing to pick up on my coloration and I'll be good to go. Silver necklace for a bit of pop, and fine elongated teardrop leaf earrings in a shiny purple that works with the blouse, and green details to bring out my eyes. Just a light touch of Raspbery tint lip gloss, and a light dusting of powder on freshly exfoliated skin. Thankfully I don't need much makeup to look good, and natural!

Happy birthday to me!

So it was three years ago today that I started this journey and I've come a long way in a short time. I'd started with what I thought was going to be a ten year plan to finally being me, and now three years later I'm post-op and legally ever more female! Damn, time sure flies sometimes! Do I have any regrets? Yeah one. . . I should have done this so many years ago!

Amazing what you can accomplish when you put your heart and mind into something that means so much to you. Amazing the freedom and peace I feel now, the way I've come out of my chrysalis a lovely butterfly free to take to the skys instead of stuck a prisoner of the crushing gravity of my previous life.

FRAK! One stupid mistake!

So today I went over to a place across the street from DMV that will let you take the test in their car with having to schedule the test and bring your own car. The one problem is that I failed this test because I was two miles an hour over the speed limit in a school zone. TWO! This place has a zero tolerance policy and DMV and the local police check drivers tests for this. So I have to go back next week on tuesday and retake it. I'm going to go five mph UNDER this time just to be safe, because I so want to get this done.